Читать книгу Awful Auntie - David Walliams, Quentin Blake, David Walliams - Страница 13

Now how did Aunt Alberta come to have a Great Bavarian Mountain Owl as a pet, I hear you ask. To answer that, I’ll need to take you back in time once more, to before young Stella was born.

Soon after Alberta had lost all the family’s money at the tiddlywinks tables of Monte Carlo, Europe was thrust into war. Chester joined the army as an officer, and was awarded a chestful of medals for his bravery on the battlefields of France. Meanwhile his sister also enlisted, and found herself fighting in the forests of Bavaria as a machine-gunner. Unusually for someone who was British, she chose to fight on the German side. Alberta’s only reason was that she ‘preferred the German uniforms’. She felt she looked smokin’ hot in one of the German army’s spiked helmets, called Pickelhauben. You can judge for yourselves…

One thing she had often done as a child was to steal rare birds’ eggs. Alberta knew that the Great Bavarian Mountain Owl was one of the rarest birds in the world. So when she spotted one nesting in the forest where she was posted she climbed the tree and stole the egg out of its nest. Then she sat on it until it hatched, and named the little owlet ‘Wagner’, after her favourite German composer.^*

The war ended soon after. Alberta had been fighting for the losing side, and the prospect of being sent to a prisoner-of-war camp did not appeal. So she stole a Zeppelin, one of the huge German military airships. With the little owlet Wagner safely under her arm, she took to the air. At first all went well, she piloted the Zeppelin hundreds of miles over mainland Europe. However, while flying over the English Channel with the white cliffs of Dover in sight, disaster struck. The metal spike on her helmet burst the huge gas cell above her. Instantly the Zeppelin started violently spurting hot air. The airship was really nothing more than a giant balloon after all. It farted its way across the sky at terrific speed, before crash-landing into the sea with a PLOP.

Alberta just managed to swim to shore, the owlet (still larger than the average owl) perched precariously on her head.

Once safely back at Saxby Hall she began training the bird. Wagner never knew his real owl parents, but quickly accepted Alberta as his mother. Indeed the woman would feed the owlet live worms and spiders from her mouth, passing them from lip to bill. As Wagner grew, so did the treats. Soon she would feed him mice and sparrows she had caught in traps. Food became a reward, and over time Alberta had taught her owl a number of impressive tricks:

– Fetching her slippers.

– Flying a loop-the-loop.

– Aerial reconnaissance (a military term she had picked up when fighting in World War One, which meant spying from the air).

– Dive-bombing children’s kites.

– Stealing old ladies’ knickers from washing lines.

– Dropping stink-bombs from the air at the village’s summer fete.

– Delivering a letter or parcel within a hundred-mile radius.

– Duetting with her on her favourite German opera arias. This was painful to listen to as Aunt Alberta was an even worse singer than the owl.

– To use a special owl urinal when having an owl pee.

– To swoop on kittens and devour them in one gulp, bones and all.

– To make an apple strudel.

‘Owling’, ‘Owlery’, ‘Owlcraft’, ‘Owlistry’, ‘Owlography’, ‘Owlosophy’, call it what you will, Alberta became an expert.^*

Soon she and her beloved Wagner became famous in owling circles. They even started doing photoshoots for specialist bird of prey publications, such as My Owl, Just Owls, Owl!, Owls Owls Owls, Owls Only, Mature Owls, and Owling Monthly: The Magazine for Owls and their Admirers. Once they even appeared together on the cover of Twit-Woo!, very much the Hello! magazine of the owl world. Inside there were twelve pages of ‘at home with’ photographs, and a lengthy interview where they talked about how they had met and their hopes for their future together. Of course Wagner’s answers were all in squawks.

Alberta and Wagner. Wagner and Alberta. It was a very close relationship.

The pair travelled everywhere together on Alberta’s motorcycle, with Wagner in the sidecar. Both had matching leather flying helmets and goggles.

What was more unusual still was that Alberta and Wagner also shared a bed. When Stella would bring her aunt her nightly glass of sherry, Alberta and Wagner would be tucked up together in matching striped pyjamas reading the day’s newspapers. It was a bizarre sight. Another time Stella heard the two of them splashing around in the bath together. It wasn’t natural, it wasn’t right, and it definitely couldn’t be hygienic. Especially not for the owl.

However, this closeness between man and beast was not without purpose. For all this time, Aunt Alberta was training her owl to obey her every command. Even to do unspeakable evil.