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How to Know for Sure You Should be Writing Comedy

You know you're a comedy writer if you would much rather be playing “Grand Theft Auto” than be in a book club discussing the works of Teilhard de Chardin. Instead of going to therapy, you ridicule people who do. You can't get through a day without trying to make every person you know laugh. You believe that your sense of humor can get you out of any awkward situation. You joined “Second Life,” where you created not only a Second Life, but a Second Second Life and have contemplated starting a Third Second Life.

If you're a guy, you get little if any exercise and spend too much time indoors – usually online – and you've visited way too many porn sites. You've subscribed to Fangoria since you were a kid, still have every issue, and look forward to passing your collection on to your son and watching your favorite splatter films with him. You have to think twice about whether you would rather make a woman laugh or have sex with her.

If you're a woman, you worry that you'll never find Mr. Right because none of the dullards you meet get your sense of humor. On a date, you have to restrain yourself from making wisecracks and clever observations for fear that the guy will resent that you're funnier than he is. You reject the historically accepted female virtues of modesty and submission in favor of telling a good dick joke. You have to hide the fact that you love gross-out humor, especially fart and bodily function jokes. You have to think twice about whether you would rather make a guy laugh or have sex with him.

Only kidding!

Well, not really. Comedy writers do tend to be a little strange, weird, and off-the- wall. I should know. I'm one of them. Therapy helps. A little.