Читать книгу Her Forgotten Cowboy - Deb Kastner - Страница 15

How could God do this to them?

Tanner gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. He was trying to control his breathing so he didn’t scare Mackenzie, but it wasn’t easy to do. The air was coming in gasps and burning his lungs.

How could God let this happen to one family? It was almost more than he could bear.

He felt as if he were on some kind of nightmarish merry-go-round and he didn’t know how to get off. He’d been half expecting to be served with legal documents soon, since his communication with Rebecca had been completely cut off—which he now regretted and for which he privately admitted at least partial responsibility. If he hadn’t hung up when she’d reached out to him...

Instead of acting like a rational, mature adult, he’d let his anger, ego and pride get the best of him.

And now this.

Now he knew why she hadn’t returned his phone calls and texts. She’d been in the hospital recovering from a horrible car crash.

She—and their baby. He still wasn’t certain what to do with the knowledge that they were expecting a child.

At the moment, all he could do was feel perplexed.

And amazed.

No matter what their past, it gutted him that Rebecca had been injured, could even have been killed. Thank God He’d taken care of them and things hadn’t been worse than they were now.

Rebecca still suffering from the many physical injuries she’d sustained—and their unborn child somehow still safe in her womb.

Oh, dear Lord. Their baby.

And Rebecca’s apparent amnesia—

What was he supposed to do about that? It was all so surreal. He didn’t think things like that happened in real life. That was the stuff of television detective shows.

He pulled his truck up next to the ranch house and let Mackenzie out of her car seat in the back of the dual cab. He couldn’t help but smile when she wrapped her trusting little arms around his neck so he could help her out of the vehicle.

The moment her little feet hit the ground, she squealed and went straight toward the herd of goats, her favorite ranch animal in all the world, she’d told him on multiple occasions. She held her hands out wide as if to hug the nearest goat. She giggled hysterically when one of the larger goats grabbed ahold of the hem of her shirt in its mouth and tugged.

The silly goats got into everything and drove Tanner crazy, but at least they kept the grass around the house under control.

It had been Rebecca’s idea to get the herd in the first place. Like Mackenzie, Rebecca also loved those mischievous animals and often saved the dinner scraps for them—or at least, she’d used to, before she’d left him.

Before the accident that took her memory away.

Minutes later, Peggy arrived with Rebecca. For the longest time, the three of them stood in front of the house without speaking, watching Mackenzie play with the herd of goats.

Rebecca looked around wide-eyed, her expression filled with almost childlike wonder as she took in the scene—Mackenzie playing with the goats, and the chickens clucking in their coop, reminding Tanner that they hadn’t yet gotten their midday meal. Tanner’s small herd of horses milled about in a nearby pasture, and another small pasture on the other side of the ranch house contained Rebecca’s most beloved small herd of alpacas.

After visiting a wool festival and getting to meet live alpacas, she had gotten this crazy idea into her head that she wanted alpacas of her own. She’d done her research and then presented her idea to Tanner. He’d never been able to deny her anything, so before he knew it, they were proud owners of a half-dozen alpacas, which she’d carefully grown in numbers. Rebecca would gather their wool and spin it, often spending her evenings knitting by the fire in the winter and out on the front porch in the spring and on mild summer nights.

He watched her expression when her gaze landed on the alpacas, feeling as if his heart stopped beating as he waited and hoped for even the smallest sign of recognition. But to his surprise, her face tightened with strain. Her lips pressed together tightly and her brow furrowed over her nose. She brushed her hair back, only to have the locks fall forward again a moment later.

Peggy’s gaze met Tanner’s and she gave him a brief nod. She’d noticed Rebecca’s odd reaction, too.

“Let’s go inside and get comfortable, and then we can chat,” Peggy suggested airily, as if they had invited a good friend over—a guest, and not her daughter and his wife. “Rebecca, do you prefer coffee or tea?”

Coffee, Tanner thought. He used to tease her that she liked a little coffee with her cream and sugar.

Rebecca’s gaze shifted to Tanner and then back to Peggy.

“I—I don’t know.”

“Coffee it is, then,” Tanner said, jumping in to relieve Rebecca’s discomfiture. “Don’t worry. I know just how you like it.”

Rebecca nodded, her copper eyes turning glassy with tears.

Tanner’s chest tightened. What had he said that would make her start crying? They were talking about coffee, not their breakup. Her tears had always had a way of punching him right in the gut, and despite the time and distance that had been between them, that much hadn’t changed.

He was only trying to help, but he’d somehow made things worse.

Over coffee.

Peggy and Rebecca settled in the living room and Mackenzie dug into her toy box in the corner. She’d quickly warmed up to Rebecca and was now showing Auntie Rebecca this and that, chattering about her favorite toys while Tanner made coffee in the kitchen.

Rebecca dutifully exclaimed in delight as Mackenzie exhibited her very favorite doll.

The tension, which seemed to have eased somewhat when Tanner was watching from the kitchen, immediately rematerialized the moment Tanner entered the room.

“Here,” he said, offering a mug to Rebecca. “Taste it and see what you think.”

Rebecca sipped at the coffee, which was a light mocha color due to all the cream and sugar Tanner had dumped into it. Her expression relaxed.

“This is really good. Thank you.”

Tanner let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. Everything else in their lives had changed, and he hadn’t been positive that wouldn’t have included Rebecca’s taste in coffee, as well.

Did amnesia even work that way?

He really was clueless, and didn’t have the slightest idea where to start.

He looked around, wondering where to sit. Rebecca was seated at one end of the couch, while Peggy was in her usual spot in the only armchair. That left him with the choice of awkwardly sitting on the other side of the couch or choosing the rocking chair, which had been a favorite of Rebecca’s when she was knitting mittens and hats from alpaca wool. He’d only started using the rocker recently, when he needed to calm Mackenzie down from an anxiety attack or rock her to sleep.

He and Rebecca had bought that rocking chair when they’d first started trying for a family, certain they’d be using it to rock their newborn within the year. How young and naive they’d been back then. Tanner never would have guessed that the desire to start a family could also ruin one.

When month after month the negative pregnancy tests taunted them, Tanner had subconsciously grown to despise that piece of furniture as a constant reminder of what had never been. And then after the stillbirth—

But at the moment, it was either the rocker or the couch, and he knew he would never be comfortable sitting right next to Rebecca. He settled in the rocker and took a sip of his coffee, welcoming the scald of hot liquid as it burned down his throat.

All three of them were looking at each other, but no one spoke. The tension and uneasiness was so palpable he could have sliced it.

How did one even start a conversation like this?

“So, Rebecca,” Peggy said tentatively, relieving Tanner of having to be the first to speak. “Why don’t you tell us what you remember.”

* * *

What did she remember?

A big, fat nothing.

It was all she could do to remember what she’d had for breakfast this morning, although in the past month her short-term memory had made significant gains. It was impossible to describe how lost she felt. It was almost like someone coming out of a coma of many years and finding her life to be completely different than she recalled. She remembered her childhood up to a certain point and then there was nothing but a big, fat murky cloud shadowing her memories.

She’d returned to Serendipity in the hopes that seeing what ought to be familiar people and places would trigger her memory, but all she was getting was a throbbing headache for all her efforts.

She pulled out her cell phone and opened her notes.

“My friend Dawn helped me with this,” she explained. She didn’t miss the resentful look that passed between Tanner and her mother. Neither appeared happy with the knowledge that the notes she was consulting came from Dawn.

Why was that?

“Is that who you’ve been staying with? Dawn Kyzer?” Mama asked, with a surprising edge to her tone that hadn’t been there before.

Rebecca was startled by their negative reaction and responded a little defensively. Dawn had been her best friend all her life. She remembered that. Which meant her mother would have known that, as well. And though she didn’t know the reasons behind the choices she’d made, she’d clearly gone to live with Dawn after her breakup with Tanner.

“I was driving, but Dawn was in the car with me when the accident happened. Thankfully, she only received a few bumps and bruises. She stayed by my side in the hospital and has cared for me ever since.”

“Then we owe her for that,” her mother acknowledged begrudgingly. “Although she should have called us and let us know what had happened.”

Tanner didn’t respond, but it was clear he didn’t like Dawn. Rebecca searched her mind for why that might be, but no explanation came to her.

She was an amnesiac, but that didn’t mean she was stupid. Dawn had obviously refused to come with her to Serendipity today, and now Rebecca could see why. There was some kind of rift between her husband and best friend, and she suspected she was the root cause of it. And her mother was right—Dawn should have reached out and let them know Rebecca had been in an accident instead of telling the hospital she was the only person Rebecca had.

Rebecca watched as Mackenzie carefully and methodically set up an entire ranch scene of stuffed animals, all the while humming a joyful tune under her breath. She positioned two horses, a cow, a pig, four goats and what Rebecca thought must be a llama in what Rebecca belatedly realized was with the same organization as Tanner’s ranch. The little girl was brightly chattering away at the animals, making sure they knew they were in the right place and why. Rebecca couldn’t help but smile as her heart warmed toward the preschooler.

Reluctantly, Rebecca turned her attention to the adults in the room.

“How long ago was the accident?” Tanner asked, gesturing to her ankle boot. “Tell us more about it.”

She blinked in confusion and once again consulted the notes on her phone.

“It’s been a month now. I was in the hospital for two weeks, the first of which in the ICU.”

“Two weeks?” Peggy echoed. “Oh my.”

“And your memory? It’s not improved since then?”

“That’s hard for me to gauge,” she pointed out adroitly. “My short-term memory has its moments. I call it Swiss cheese. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don’t. I am having better success retaining an entire day’s worth of memories, but they don’t always follow me into the next day. I make copious notes about everything, mostly hoping to stimulate the fog in my brain. My long-term memory is completely AWOL ranging back to my early adulthood.”

She paused. There was one question she’d been wanting to ask ever since she’d first encountered her mother at the community center. She had gathered her mom was staying with Tanner and helping with Mackenzie, but was that because—

“Mama?” Her voice was dry and she coughed to dislodge the emotions jamming her throat. “At the community center—I didn’t see—didn’t see—”

She couldn’t finish her sentence as tears once again filled her eyes. At this point she couldn’t seem to stop bawling and sniffling no matter which direction the conversation went. She pressed her palms to her eyes, not wanting to disturb little Mackenzie with a frightening outburst.

Her mother reached for her hand and gently stroked it in both of hers. “Your father passed away several years ago. He had a massive heart attack when he turned fifty.”

“Oh, I—” Rebecca hiccuped and sniffled some more. Tanner stood and reached for a box of tissues. He set the box next to her and pulled a couple out, handing them to her.

“Th-thank you. When I first saw you today,” she said to her mother, “I had this flashback to you and Dad dancing in the kitchen.”

Her mother laughed softly. She’d clearly had time to grieve and the memory was a pleasant one. “Oh, he was always doing that with me, silly man. He’d put a rose between his teeth and tango me from one end of the kitchen to the other.”

Rebecca remained silent for a moment as the information and accompanying emotions washed over her. In her messed-up brain, her father had still been alive and well. To find out he wasn’t—

Tanner cleared his throat. “He walked you down the aisle at our wedding.”

Rebecca’s eyes widened at the sensitivity of this man who was her husband. How could he know how important that would have been to her?

“He did?”

“You bet he did,” her mother said. “I’ve never seen a prouder father than he was when he handed off his only daughter to a man he respected.”

That man was Tanner—the man she’d chosen to separate from.

“You should have seen how nervous Tanner was when he came to your father and me to ask for your hand in marriage,” her mother continued. “It was the cutest thing.”

“Aw. Do you have to call me cute?” Tanner’s cheeks turned red. “Let’s not go quite that far. Babies are cute. Puppies are cute. Cowboys are...rugged,” he finished lamely.

Rebecca and her mom chuckled at his vain attempt to save his ego.

Privately, Rebecca thought Tanner was both rugged and cute. He had the rough skin of someone who spent all his time outdoors and worked with his hands, but the scruff on his face couldn’t quite hide the twin dimples in his cheeks.

She looked back and forth from Tanner to her mother and once again changed the subject. There was so much she needed to know.

“Is Mackenzie...?” Her voice trailed off.

“Your niece,” Tanner answered, sounding surprisingly patient given the circumstances. “My sister’s girl. I’m her temporary guardian right now. If you had stayed—” He choked on the word and didn’t finish his sentence.

They stared at each other for a moment without speaking. His gaze was saying so much, and yet there was nothing she could translate into words. She wondered if there might have been a time in the past when they could communicate that way, able to speak without words. At some point they must have been madly in love with each other. He’d asked her to marry him and she’d accepted, and she couldn’t imagine marrying someone she didn’t love with every fiber of her being.

So what had happened between the I do’s and today?

She wished she remembered what had broken them up. But maybe her brain wasn’t ready to handle that much knowledge yet.

And yet it was the one question she most wanted to ask but was most afraid of voicing.

“So, you don’t remember anything about—what? The last few years?” Mama asked. “You seemed to recognize me right away when we met earlier.”

“Yes, but it wasn’t exactly how you look now. Like I said, I get little flashes of memory sometimes, but they only serve to confuse me. I remembered you and Dad dancing. That’s why I recognized you.”

Once again, she consulted her notes on her phone. “My short-term memory is spotty. It’s getting better every day, but I still occasionally forget things right after hearing or doing them. My amnesia appears to have completely erased several years of my life. The doctor says I will get better with time and that the best way for me to snap out of it is to immerse myself in the life I once knew, what’s most familiar to me.”

“I guess it makes sense then that you remember Dawn, who was your best friend since elementary school, and obviously you recognized your mom. But with me, you came up a complete blank, because I didn’t come on to the scene until later on,” Tanner observed bitterly.

“I’m sorry.” She didn’t know why, but she felt the need to apologize, even though none of this was her fault. But he sounded so hurt that she didn’t remember him.

“Why’d you come back here?” Tanner asked, resentment rising in his tone. “Since you remember Dawn, why didn’t you just stay with her?” She couldn’t blame Tanner for his bitterness. They had been separated, so it was logical for him to ask why she’d search him out. And she only realized as he asked the question that her presence here wasn’t fair to him.

“Because my driver’s license still says Serendipity.”

“And your last name is Hamilton.” It wasn’t a question and Tanner didn’t phrase it that way. He hadn’t said still Hamilton. That made Rebecca more curious than ever as to what their relationship had been like before it had gone wrong.

Her gaze locked with his. “Yes. It does say Hamilton. But the person I remember is Rebecca Foster.”

His brow lowered and his jaw ticked with strain.

“I’m here because this is where I have the best chance of triggering more recent memories, and at this point, I’d do anything to get them back. But I understand this isn’t going to be easy for you. If you want me gone, I’ll leave.”

“Of course you won’t leave,” Mama exclaimed. “You have to stay with us. Let’s not forget you and Tanner are about to have a baby together. Isn’t that right, Tanner?”

Tanner continued to stare at her, his blue eyes sparkling with pain and anger.

Her breath caught in her throat as she waited for him to answer. Her whole world revolved around what he was about to say. If he sent her packing, which he had every right to do, how would she ever remember how things used to be?

But it really was his choice to make. It was his life she was barreling into after months apart, after who knew what had happened to tear them apart in the first place.

He blew out a breath and shook his head, an action that belied his next words.

“Yes, Rebecca. You should stay.”