Читать книгу Thursdays at Eight - Debbie Macomber - Страница 14

JULIA MURCHISON

“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.”

—Colette

January 25th

List of Blessings

1 The security of order. Everything neatly in its place. Yarn arranged by color to form a rainbow effect in the store.

2 The welcome feel of my mattress after a long day on my feet.

3 Music and the way it nurtures me.

4 Zoe’s snit fits when everything doesn’t go exactly as she wants it to. Could this daughter of mine be taking after me? Never!

5 My customers, eager to create something lasting and beautiful.

I haven’t been feeling well for weeks, and with my newfound determination to take care of myself physically, I’ve made an appointment to see Dr. Snyder, even though it means I’ll have to leave the Thursday breakfast group early. The last time I saw Dr. Snyder was November when I had that dreadful flu bug and was flat on my back for an entire week.

I guess I haven’t fully recovered from that virus. I assumed I’d feel better after the holidays, but I don’t. In fact, I seem to be more tired now than ever. I can’t seem to get enough sleep. Twice last week, I went to bed before Adam and Zoe did.

Peter, who almost never complains, mentioned it at breakfast this morning. But this is more than exhaustion. I’m constantly running to the bathroom. Could be I’ve developed a bladder infection. I certainly hope not.

My whole system is out of whack. Even my period is late. I’ll be forty this year, but I didn’t expect menopause to hit me this early. If it did, though, I wouldn’t complain.

Reading this, it almost sounds like I’m pregnant. It’s been so many years since I had the kids, I didn’t put it together until just this minute. But that’s impossible. I’ve been on the pill for years, and with the flu and the busyness of the season, Peter and I haven’t been that active sexually.

After Zoe was born, Peter intended to have a vasectomy, but because we were both so young, the doctor advised us to hold off making that decision for a few years. We talked it over and agreed to wait. I went on the pill once I’d finished nursing, and all concern vanished from our minds. Five years later, Peter made an appointment for the vasectomy; I can’t remember why he didn’t go through with it. He’d gone in for his preliminary exam, but after discussing it with the specialist, he decided he wanted to think this through more carefully. So I continued taking the pill. Which is ninety-nine percent effective…

I’m not pregnant. I couldn’t be. I’m methodical about my vitamins and my birth control pill. I don’t miss. Ever. I refuse to think like this. A pregnancy now would be a disaster. I’m finished with the baby stage and couldn’t imagine going back.

No need to borrow trouble when a baby simply isn’t a possibility. Besides, I’d know if I was pregnant. I did with Adam and Zoe. Both times, within ten days of conception, I sensed the changes in my body. It felt as though everything inside me had welcomed this new life taking shape. There’s no celebration happening now.

I’m ending this right here because I can’t deal with what I’m thinking. I am not pregnant. I don’t want to be pregnant and I refuse to torment myself with something that has only a onepercent chance of being true.

“I don’t need a urine test,” Julia insisted, meeting Dr. Lucy Snyder’s unyielding gaze. “I already told you a pregnancy just isn’t possible.”

Dr. Snyder rolled the stool closer to the examination table where Julia sat, clutching the paper gown to her stomach, her bare feet dangling.

“The pelvic exam suggests otherwise,” Doc Snyder said quietly.

“I can’t be pregnant.” Julia didn’t know why she felt the need to argue when a pregnancy was now almost a certainty. The queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach had nothing to do with morning sickness and everything to do with her state of mind.

“With the pill, there’s always that slight risk,” the doctor murmured.

Julia adamantly shook her head.

“You say you never missed a pill? Not even once?”

“Not even once!” Julia cried, fighting back emotion so negative her voice actually shook.

Dr. Snyder read the chart. “What about when you had that flu virus?”

“I took my pills,” Julia said.

“You kept them down?”

“Down? What do you mean down?” Julia asked.

“According to the chart, you suffered projectile vomiting for three days.”

Julia’s forehead broke into a sweat. “Yes…And I didn’t eat solids for a full seven days.” Her stomach hadn’t tolerated anything other than weak tea and a few sips of chicken broth.

“I’d like you to have a urine test,” the doctor said. “Just to be sure, one way or the other.”

Numbness was spreading through Julia’s arms and legs as she nodded. Dr. Snyder patted her shoulder and quietly slipped out of the room.

If she was pregnant, Julia could pinpoint the night it happened—after the tremendous success of her first yarn sale. She’d been incredibly happy. Adam and Zoe had spent the night with her sister, and Julia and Peter had celebrated with a rare evening out, followed by an incredible night of lovemaking.

After providing the nurse with the necessary sample, Julia slowly dressed. Her fingers trembled as she fastened the buttons of her blouse. She’d just finished when Dr. Snyder came into the cubicle with the results.

Their eyes met, and in that instant Julia knew the awful truth. It was what she’d dreaded most. She was pregnant. Whatever Dr. Snyder said after that was a complete blur. She walked out of the office in a stupor and toward the parking garage.

The next thing Julia knew, she was at Benjamin Franklin Elementary, the grade school where Peter had been principal for the last four years.

“Mrs. Murchison, this is a pleasant surprise,” the school secretary said warmly.

For the life of her, Julia couldn’t recall the older woman’s name, although she’d been working with Peter as long as he’d been at Ben Franklin. Linda Dooley, she remembered. It was Linda.

“Is Peter available?” Managing the question demanded full concentration on Julia’s part. Her head continued to buzz, her mind skipping from one irrational thought to another. She’d left Dr. Snyder’s not knowing where she was driving or what she was going to say or do once she got there. Obviously, she’d made a subconscious decision that Peter, her calm and reasonable husband, would supply the answers.

“You go on in.” A look of concern came over Linda. “Is everything all right, Mrs. Murchison?”

Julia shook her head. Nothing was right. Her entire life was off-kilter. She didn’t want this baby, didn’t want to deal with this pregnancy. Churchgoing, God-fearing woman that she was, her reaction would have shocked all who knew her.

“Julia?” Peter stood when he saw her. “What’s wrong?” He left his desk and placed an arm around her shoulders, then gently guided her to a chair.

Julia sank down gratefully. Her legs had lost all feeling, and she felt on the verge of collapse.

Peter appeared to sense the gravity of the situation without her having to say a word. “What is it?” he asked. “Your mother?”

Julia shook her head again.

“Sweetheart, tell me.”

Her eyes and throat burned with the need to cry, but she refused to allow it.

“You saw Dr. Snyder?” her husband prompted.

She nodded wildly. “The flu…” she managed, willing herself not to weep. Tears humiliated her. She wasn’t like some women who used tears for effect. Nor did she look particularly fetching with red-rimmed eyes and a runny nose.

Peter’s hands clasped hers. “It was more than the flu?”

Julia whispered, “Yes…”

“It isn’t…cancer, is it?” Her husband had gone pale at the very word.

“No, you idiot!” she shouted, knowing even as she spoke how unreasonable she was being. “I’m pregnant!”

Peter stared at her blankly as though he hadn’t heard or, like her, didn’t want to hear.

“Don’t look at me like this is a surprise or anything,” Julia snapped. He was to blame, dammit! If he’d gone ahead with the vasectomy, they wouldn’t be facing this situation now.

“Ah…” Peter straightened and buried his hands in his pockets. “Were we planning on having a third child?” If this was an attempt at humor, she wasn’t laughing.

“This is all your fault…”

His frown slowly evaporated into a soft, teasing smile. “You’re joking, aren’t you?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

“No…” He hesitated, confusion in his eyes. “You’re really pregnant?”

Julia swore to herself that if he dared to smile again, she’d slap the grin off his face.