Читать книгу Blossom Street - Debbie Macomber - Страница 48

CAROL GIRARD

Carol stood in the doorway of what would’ve been the baby’s nursery, and her eyes fell on the empty crib with the mobile dangling above it. Tiny zoo animals hung from a small umbrella with a music box attachment. She didn’t know why she was torturing herself like this. Nothing was going to change.

Doug came and stood behind her. “I’ll call and arrange for the department store to pick up the furniture.”

“No … don’t. Please.”

“But …”

“I made an appointment with an adoption agency.” She said the words in a rush, as if to convince him that this was the logical next step.

She felt Doug tense.

“We can’t give up now,” she implored. She couldn’t forget her need for a child. She’d tried. She’d had to accept the fact that there would be no biological child for her, but she couldn’t entirely let go of their dream. “I want so badly to be a mother. I need to be a mother. Just like you need to be a father …”

Doug’s shoulders sagged and he didn’t speak.

“I have to do this,” she pleaded. They’d discussed adoption any number of times, but always as a last resort. Carol had held on to this last thread of hope, and yet she’d feared Doug’s reaction. He’d been so quiet lately; she could feel him withdrawing from her emotionally and she couldn’t endure it.

“You’re sure you want me to go to an adoption agency with you?” he asked.

“Of course! It’s important that we prove we’re good candidates as adoptive parents.”

Her husband’s mouth thinned.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think having a crib and a change table is going to sway an agency to choose us as potential parents.”

“I know, but it can’t hurt. I want the agency to see that we’re ready, and that we could take a baby at any time.”

He turned away from her, walked into the living room, and stood in front of the large picture window that overlooked Puget Sound.

“You don’t want to go to the interview?” Carol asked as she joined her husband. They stood side by side without touching. Like Doug, she kept her gaze trained on the waterfront.

“How much is this going to cost?”

Carol didn’t have an answer for him. The initial interview required a five-hundred-dollar deposit and as for the actual adoption, she didn’t know. “It costs as much as it costs,” she said. Whatever it was, she didn’t care.

He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Do you have any idea how much we’ve already invested in this quest for a child?”

She didn’t and furthermore it didn’t matter. As far as she was concerned, money was of little consequence. “Not really.”

“There’s a limit,” Doug said starkly, “and frankly I’ve reached it.”

“All right, then,” she snapped. “I’ll go back to work if that’s what you want. The only reason I didn’t suggest it earlier is because I thought the adoption agency would prefer a stay-at-home mother, and that might put us closer to the top of the list. But I’ll go back to work if you want me to.”

Doug turned to face her. “This is exactly what I mean,” he shouted. “We’re no longer a couple. Everything we do revolves around a baby. We used to laugh together, go out, have fun.”

“We still do,” she countered, but when she searched her memory, she realized he was right.

“I’ve been as patient with this whole process as I can stand.” Anger vibrated from him. “It costs too damn much and I—”

“In other words, money is all you’re worried about?”

“If you’d allow me to finish,” he said slowly, enunciating each word, “you’d have heard me say that the emotional price is too damn high.” He shook his head. “I can’t stand seeing you go through this pain and turmoil when the procedures don’t even work—injections five times a day, seeing the doctor every forty-eight hours…. It’s taken over your life. Our lives.”

She agreed the toll on their emotions, especially in the last few months, had been extreme. One day she was filled with despair and the next, riding a wave of hope and optimism. That was when she’d assumed Rick’s baby might be available to them. The only avenue left open to them now was adoption. They had to try. Doug couldn’t mean they should stop!

“Now you want to drag us through yet another emotional quagmire and, Carol, as much as I love you, I don’t think I can do it.”

“You have to,” she cried.

“Why?” he shouted. “Why is it always about you and your need for a baby?”

In all the years of their marriage she’d never heard Doug use this tone of voice with her. “I—it’s for us.”

“Not more than five minutes ago, you admitted the baby was for you. It’s all about your need to be a mother. You, you, you. What about me, Carol? What about my needs? What about my wants?”

“I—”

“For the last … dear God, how many years has it been? Five, six? The entire focus of our lives has been on getting you pregnant. That apparently isn’t going to happen, so fine, let’s deal with it and get on with our lives.”

“But …”

“I don’t want to adopt.”

The world all but exploded in pain and disbelief. “You don’t mean that.” Was Doug telling the truth? He couldn’t be. He was emotionally drained. She understood, because she’d hit bottom herself, but she’d recovered and Doug would, too, given time.

“I do mean it.”

“But … you just told me we could go to the appointment with the agency.” Carol was counting on that.

“You go. I don’t want to.”

“But … why?”

“Because I can already see what it’s doing to you.”

She’d never known Doug to be so unreasonable. “What exactly is it doing to me?”

“We have to prove to complete strangers that we’re worthy of being parents. I feel like a beggar singing and dancing, cap in hand. All so someone I don’t even know will like me enough to consider me father material.”

“You’ll be a wonderful father!”

“Would have been,” he muttered.

His words scored deep wounds in her heart. Would have been.

“I can’t do this anymore, Carol. I’m not the man you think I am. I want out.”

“Do you want out of the marriage?” she asked through numb lips, hardly able to say the words.

“No. I vowed to love you and I do.”

“You make it sound as if this is some promise you made and regret,” she said bitterly. “Would you have married me if you’d known I couldn’t have children?”

His hesitation was just long enough to supply the answer.

Her pain was so intense that for one unbelievable moment the room went dark and she started to sway.

Doug’s arms came around her, and he buried his face in her shoulder. “I was crazy in love with you when we got married and I’m just as crazy in love with you now. I want us to stay married, but I can’t live like this anymore.”

“I … I can’t have a baby.”

“I know and I accept that.”

“No, you don’t.” He might be saying it, but deep down he’d always resent the fact that she couldn’t give him children.

“I do,” he said sharply, “but I need you to accept it, too. Let go of this, Carol. Accept the fact that we just weren’t meant to be parents.”

“But we could be someday. If we put our name in with the agency, then—”

“Then what? Three, four, five years from now—if we’re fortunate—we might be chosen as worthy recipients of an infant? Do you realize I’ll be forty-four in five years’ time? I’d be sixty-two when our child graduated from high school.”

Carol hid her face against her husband’s chest. Her emotions reeled with the impact of what he’d said. Doug was right. It was time to surrender this need. She’d never been a quitter, didn’t know how to give up. Everything she’d ever set her mind to, she’d accomplished. Except for this … Her effort to have a child had become the focus of her life; more than that, it had become the purpose of her life. Her clenched-teeth determination was ruining their marriage.

Doug released her and walked away. Carol stood frozen and miserable, shaking with a combination of too many emotions, but mostly defeat.

The front door opened and she whirled around. “Where are you going?”

“Out. I need to think.”

“When will you be back?” Her eyes begged him not to leave her, but she refused to ask him to stay.

“I … don’t know.”

She nodded and turned back, hands to her mouth.

“We both need to think this through, Carol.”

She nodded silently. The choice was clear. Either she renounced this need or she ruined her marriage and both their lives in the process.

It was nightfall before Doug returned. Carol sat in the darkened living room, curled up tight on the sofa with her arms circling her knees.

Doug came slowly into the room. “Are you okay?”

She wasn’t yet, but in time she’d adjust. “I cancelled the appointment with the adoption agency.”

He thrust his hands in his pockets. “You can deal with that?”

She nodded. She had to accept that there would be no baby.

Doug sat down across from her and leaned forward, bracing his arms against his knees. His shoulders drooped.

“Where did you go?” she asked.

“A walk.”

“For three hours?”

He nodded.

“Do you want anything to eat?”

He shook his head.

“I phoned Bon-Macy’s. They’re coming to collect the baby furniture next week.”

He stared down at the carpet. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I am, too.” Sorrier than he’d ever know.

Doug extended his arm to her. “We’ll be all right, just the two of us.”

“Yes,” she whispered as her fingers clasped his. It was true. It would be true.

It had to be true.