Читать книгу This Is Not the Life I Ordered - Deborah Collins Stephens - Страница 22

“It's been twenty-three years since my husband, John Zimmerman, died of Stage 4 glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer,” says Jan Yanehiro.

“He was forty-six; I was forty-seven. We had been married for twenty-two years. Our children were twelve, ten, and six years old when we lost him. I'm pleased to say that the children grew up to be fabulous adults and I am still working (and loving it) at seventy.

“And for the record, yes, I think about John—often. I miss him especially when I realize how many special moments he missed in our children's lives—driver's licenses, prom dates, acting in school plays, attending swim meets and Lacrosse games, summer jobs, high school graduations, college graduations, post-college jobs, and our daughter's wedding. Tears spring to my eyes in unexpected moments—moments like right now as I write this.

“Two and a half years after John died, I remarried. The marriage lasted ten years and ended in divorce. Someone once asked me which was harder, to lose a husband to death or divorce? Without hesitation, I answered: Divorce! Okay, maybe without the exclamation point, but divorce was harder.

“Death is final. There's nothing you can do about it. John didn't want to die. He felt sure he was going to beat brain cancer. He didn't. Divorce is hurtful, scathing, and full of betrayal. That betrayal cuts so deep that, even ten years later, I am only beginning to feel that the wounds are less deep. I think that means that I'm healing. One curious person asked me why I had gotten a divorce. My answer was simple: He cheated on me.

“If I sound so firm, so sure, so clear as I write about this now, I wasn't then. It took me years (and years) to process the divorce. I am still embarrassed to say I am divorced! I find it hard even to admit who filed for divorce. He did. I feel like such a wimp that I didn't do it first.

“It's been eleven years since I moved out of our home—a move I made against everyone's best advice, including my divorce attorney. My ex-husband filed for divorce and moved into the guesthouse. Each day, each night, each week, I was a mess and my self-esteem hit rock bottom. Jackie told me I was acting like an emotionally abused wife. Of course, I denied it. Me? No, not me. I had a career in television; I had three children and three stepchildren. I was on a corporate board. Abused?

“The short answer is yes, I was. To be clear, there was no physical abuse. But emotional abuse? Yes. When I got an email from my ex, I felt nauseous and was scared even to open it. I could feel my heart pounding when I did. What does he want now? What is his new demand? Arbitration? Settlement? How did I fail this marriage? When your self-esteem slips to below zero, it's amazing what a simple email can do to you.

“It's been nine years since my divorce became final. It took me two years to get the divorce, and it cost me $250,000. (I didn't have that kind of money, so I borrowed it.) And I wasn't even asking for alimony. We had signed a post-nuptial agreement about a year before the divorce because he claimed he wanted to protect his company. Foolishly, I signed. During the divorce, his attorney brought up that business was bad for the company and my ex was actually contemplating asking me for alimony!

“A year ago, I paid off all the borrowed money for my divorce to attorneys, mediators, accountants, and real estate appraisers. In the end, I just wanted to be done! Done with all the hurt, uncertainty, and anger. A good family friend, Larry Howell, gave me great advice: ‘If you want it to be done, you make it be done.’

“Did I leave money on the table? Probably. Do I feel everything was fair? No. What did I get? I got half of the value of the home I had invested in. But I reached the point where I could say to myself: I feel pretty darn good! Finally. On most days, I feel like the happiest single woman in all of San Francisco! I turned seventy years wiser. I can't say seventy years old, because I don't feel old. I mean, not old like we thought we would be . . . wrinkled, gray, bent over, wobbly, babbling souls. Sure, I have wrinkles and I am gray. However, my hairdresser makes sure I return to my ‘natural born’ color every five weeks!

“I feel I am just hitting my stride! Gosh, it feels good to say it and to feel it as well. My three children are all grown up. And I'm mighty proud to be their mother. On the morning John died, I made two promises. I promised John that I would make sure our children grew up happy, got an education, and lived their lives. And I promised myself that my children would not use the death of their father as an excuse for anything in their lives.

“My first-born, Jaclyn Mariko Zimmerman, is thirty-six, living and thriving in Berlin, Germany. Jaclyn is one of the bravest women I know. She lives fearlessly in a foreign land and creates her own job opportunities. Full speed ahead for my first-born!

Jenna Reiko Zimmerman is thirty-four years old. After ten years in New York City producing shows for the Food Network—she worked on seven Emmy-nominated shows and was herself nominated for an Emmy as one of the producers of Guy's Big Bites—she moved back to San Francisco. On her second day there, she met a young man named John Robinson whom I adore and who fits in perfectly as another member of our ‘J-crew.’ (My late husband John and I gave all our children names that start with the letter J.)

“My son, JB (John Blake) Zimmerman, is thirty and living the life of a bachelor in Santa Monica, California. He graduated from the University of Arizona and always knew he wanted a career in television and movie production. Like his dad (who was a CPA), he loves movies. The two of them watched movies together in the den from the time JB was about two. JB is working for several production companies that are defining what Millennials and Centennials want to see—short-form, online, and 24/7.

“The silver lining to my divorce is my two stepchildren, Meredith and Christopher Eves. I may be divorced from their father, but I choose not to be divorced from them. Meredith is married to a most wonderful person, Conor Flynn. They have two adorable children, Kieran and Gigi, and live in Connecticut. Chris is working in Los Angeles, making his mark on music videos.”