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2 EXORCISE THE DEMONS:DISPELLING MYTHS ABOUTPUBLIC SPEAKING

Negative stories we’ve told ourselves and repeated over time are the primaryobstacles to reaching our full potential. When we clear the path, we canexpress ourselves without barriers.

In my days as a film and television director, I knew the moment an actor walked onto the set if she was going to have a bad day—and potentially make everyone else miserable. Her “tells” were a particular look in her eyes, the way she carried herself, and the way she connected with or retreated from others.

After coaching hundreds of executives, I can now predict how female speakers will perform in front of an audience. And it’s not what women say that gives them away. It’s what I observe as they walk from their seats to the front of the room. The strong speakers look determined; they exude purpose. There’s energy in their stride. They smile, and appear to have a genuine desire to connect with the audience. The opposite is also true. When a woman lacks confidence, it’s as if aliens have taken over her body. There’s no fire in her eyes. She walks slowly. Nine times out of ten, she’ll grip her notes while speaking as if her life depended on them. When I see a speaker who is prepared and capable, but clearly uncomfortable, it drives me crazy because I know it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’ve been a communication and presentation trainer for more than fifteen years. My clients are executives—from those entering the job market to seasoned professionals breaking into the C-suite (senior managers who have “chief” in the title, including chief executive officer, chief financial officer, or chief operations officer).

Although a handful of women seek coaching to go on the speaker circuit, most want to improve their communication or presentation skills to generate more business, be seen as leaders in their industry, or raise awareness for their favorite organization.

Over the years, I’ve been fortunate to train and observe women who were wonderful, dynamic presenters. Not all speaker fears and anxieties are evenly distributed. However, there are mannerisms and behaviors that are exhibited by an inordinately large percentage of women speakers. And anyone who wants to reach the pinnacle of his or her career needs to identify, examine, and deal with these issues.

When a woman lacks confidence, it’s as if aliens have taken over her body.

HOW DOES THE AUDIENCE PERCEIVE YOU?

Although many women are extremely competent and experienced professionals, too often their speaking persona telegraphs exactly the opposite—someone insecure in her knowledge, perspective, or physical presence.

For example, when asked to address a group of strangers or colleagues, do you suit up and become more formal? Does your voice tend to flatten out, displaying less animation and emotion than in normal conversation? Do you bury any indication of your unique personality or expressiveness under what I call the mantle of authority? Attempting to become what you think a professional looks and sounds like is the surest way to ramp up anxiety. It can also distance you from the audience, because you’ll be perceived as less than genuine.

Attempting to become what you think a professional looks and sounds like is the surest way to ramp up anxiety.

When standing, do you resist moving in a space, preferring to position yourself behind the lectern or perhaps even clutching it? If you do move, do you find yourself rocking back and forth, crossing your arms or legs, and sticking your hands in your pockets? All of these nonverbal messages telegraph your discomfort and reluctance to have the focus on you.

When delivering a presentation, do you overprepare, spending an excessive amount of time and energy on getting the subject matter just right and agonizing over the outcome? Not wanting to make a mistake, do you default to reading or memorizing your content instead of working off an outline? Does getting every word or phrase right have a higher priority than connecting with the audience?

I observed an insurance executive with a death grip on her prepared text as she read every word. When I took the paper out of her hands, she was forced to connect with the audience because she didn’t have a script as a crutch.

Now, if you thought this executive was addressing a packed auditorium or conference, you’d be mistaken. She was presenting an overview of her services at a workshop of only eight colleagues—but still thought she needed her security blanket to come across as a seasoned professional.

Although young women today can feel more equality and respect than baby boomers, this feeling often changes after they’ve had a child and are returning to the workforce. Then, like their older counterparts, they feel great pressure to achieve, stay current with their skills, and be the good girl who never makes mistakes. They’ve accepted that to be successful, they need to work harder and exhibit more professionalism than their male counterparts. The pressure they put on themselves can be paralyzing, but many women don’t believe they have options.

Striving to be perfect, women study and earn grades that reflect our hard work. We imitate male colleagues and do our best to blend in. An executive from a major toy company asked me how to succeed with her all-male team. The issue was that these men regularly went out after hours for tequila shots. The female executive didn’t like tequila or heavy drinking, but still wanted to be accepted. I suggested that she be self-effacing, mock her white-wine spritzers, and then offer to be the designated driver. Many times, however, the solution isn’t that simple.

I’ve seen hundreds of talented women regularly put in long hours, join professional organizations or committees, and take every opportunity to demonstrate their commitment to career and company. But many of these same women are reluctant to speak out.

When public speaking is unavoidable, these women tend to craft presentations that are polite, generic, and middle of the road. They take a nonconfrontational position to avoid being challenged. In other words, regardless of all their experience, massive preparation and agony over what to say, women practically guarantee that their talk will be mediocre and forgettable.

But that isn’t the end of their pain. Before delivering their presentation, these women find conflicting thoughts vying for their attention and keeping many of them up at night. Their concerns are: “What made me think I could do this? What if someone asks me a question I can’t answer? If I take a contrary position, will I be perceived as too aggressive, too ambitious, or not a team player?”

Although we do our best to deflect negative judgments and assessments from others, the strongest critic often resides within.

If your public speaking isn’t as effective as it could be, or you haven’t achieved what you believe is possible with your career, you can’t always blame someone else. What we tell ourselves can be equally damaging. What we believe becomes the truth. So let’s dispel the myths that negatively affect our behavior, so we can move on and resume our path to success.

PUBLIC SPEAKING MYTHS

Myth #1: You’re Born a Great Public Speaker

Did you master law, accounting, interior decorating, banking, or fitness training overnight? Of course not. The entry fee in any field requires education, certification, and often a degree. Why do we think that being proficient at public speaking or communication is something we’re born with? Or, that the first time we stand up in front of an audience or potential client, we will receive rave reviews? Please!

Becoming a great presenter takes commitment, introspection, inviting critical feedback, making mistakes, and incorporating lessons learned. This is why I won’t let a client complete an exercise if she begins with a traditional opening or reports on her topic from a 1,000-foot level—instead of investing herself in the subject and making it her own. As a former director, I know to nip a bad performance in the bud. The last thing you want is for a client to embrace an outdated mode of approaching her material, and have that scored into memory. At the same time, I need to be positive and encouraging, because I am asking the speaker-as-performer to move outside her comfort zone. I’m acutely aware that no matter how difficult and uncomfortable it may seem at first, the outcome is well worth it. And once learned, the new behavior is what characterizes seasoned veterans and successful professionals.

In Outliers: The Story of Success, author Malcolm Gladwell quoted neurologist Daniel Levitin as saying that “ten thousand hours of practice is required to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert—in anything.”³³ Fortunately, it doesn’t take 10,000 hours to become a great communicator. As a trainer, I’ve seen vast improvement in only a few sessions or workshops. Because many standard business presentations are truly awful, the bar is set so low that even small differences can make speakers noticeably better than everyone else. Trust me—if you have an important presentation coming up, you’ll be motivated to improve quickly.

This process brings back memories of alpine skiing. I had a real attitude about anyone who preferred downhill over cross-country. My arrogance was obnoxious. I’d hold forth that the sport of downhill skiing—if you could call it a sport—was more style than substance. Besides, if you wanted exercise, why ride a chair to the top of a mountain and let gravity escort you downhill?

But whenever I went cross-country skiing, I’d purposely seek out the highest hill, ski straight down, and then herringbone up to the top, just to ski down again. My friends laughed and asked me why I didn’t put on real skis and find a real mountain. When I finally took their advice and skied down a run at Purgatory Resort in Durango, Colorado, I couldn’t believe how much fun it was. That first morning I made fifteen runs on beginner trails. After lunch, and a couple of glasses of wine, my friends persuaded me to tackle intermediate slopes.

As I took the chairlift up the mountain, I knew I was in trouble. The enormous moguls were terrifying, the slope was incredibly steep, and huge patches were covered in ice. I managed to get off the chair and stand at the top of the run. But without lessons, I had no idea how to navigate the mountain or use the edges of my skis to turn or slow myself down. My heart pounded in my ears, and the fear was palpable. My whole body stiffened, even though I knew that would only increase the possibility of injury.

Fear is a monstrous inhibitor, whether you’re facing a steep slope or a critical presentation. It can shut you down or persuade you to avoid a new experience. One of the biggest obstacles holding women back when it comes to public speaking is anxiety. If you avoid speaking because your heart pumps faster, your mouth goes dry, or your brain tells you to run, the fear will keep you from reaching your full potential. Consequently, it’s all the more satisfying when you face your fears head-on.

If you avoid speaking because your heart pumps faster, your mouth goes dry, or your brain tells you to run, the fear will keep you from reaching your full potential.

There’s something exhilarating about being on the edge, not totally in control, yet so focused that the problems of the world fade away. That afternoon, on my first intermediate run, I made it to the bottom, a bit bruised and battered but in one piece. And I committed to learning the necessary skills so that I could ski more challenging slopes and enjoy the experience.

Over the next few years, with instruction and lots of practice, I became a capable intermediate skier. Had I stayed on the bunny slope and never pushed myself, I would have missed some of the greatest memories of my life.

To become outstanding presenters, we need to push ourselves to take risks—even if we sometimes fail. That includes giving a talk without PowerPoint, speaking extemporaneously (or with only a few minutes to prepare), and moving from behind the lectern to face the audience with nothing between us and them.

Start by making simple changes. Since the audience pays attention to verbs, make a conscious effort to incorporate strong, active verbs when engaging an audience, describing your process, or telling a story. For example, “helped,” “worked with,” “assisted,” and “tried” are weak verbs. We can’t picture their function, and we don’t associate them with definitive, decisive actions. Stronger verbs include “implemented,” “designed,” “executed,” and “persuaded.” Use active verbs to be seen as a powerful professional.

Clients tell me they often use general, imprecise words or phrases to be polite and inclusive, or because they believe the audience understands their meaning. But unless the listener can picture what it is you’re saying, I guarantee that you’ll lose their attention. Just because you think you’re clear doesn’t mean that anyone else has the same idea or definition of a concept. Define terms that might be unfamiliar to someone in the audience. Use concrete language and visual specifics to describe your concept, product, or services. For example, can you picture “opportunity,” “creative problem solving,” “brand,” or “the vision for your company?” Exactly. So the next time you hear yourself use a generality, follow it up with “like,” “such as,” or “for example.” In the future, replace every generality with a specific example. When we see it, we’re much more likely to believe it.

Once you commit to incorporating new techniques into your speaking, you can take a page from Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell. He wrote that individuals who are seen as quick thinkers or have rapid cognition employ “training, rules, and rehearsal.”³⁴

I’ve yet to meet anyone who was born a great speaker. But I’ve coached and trained hundreds of professionals who approach speaking as a learned skill they can always upgrade and improve.

Use concrete language and visual specifics to describe your concept, product, or services.

Myth #2: Only Experts Deserve to Speak in Public, and I’m Not One

Becoming an expert is a time-consuming, arduous process that only a select few achieve in their respective fields. I applaud experts. But I don’t want or need to become one. Although every industry employs experts for research and analysis, we typically don’t form strategic alliances with them. And in my experience, few experts rise to the top of organizations.

In addition, I’ve rarely listened to an expert who succeeded in persuading an audience, especially when the goal was to influence others to take an action or change their behavior. Experts are known for being objective, fact-based, and analytical, so their presentations tend to appeal to the intellect. After all, it’s an expert’s job to inform, educate, and convey information.

Of course, education and information can comprise a portion of any talk, but not its entirety. It’s crucial that you carefully select which data to incorporate, choosing only what supports your argument or premise, rather than rattling off figures and statistics that bore or cause the audience to feel overloaded by too much information.

Also, an exclusively objective talk doesn’t include the speaker’s opinions. As an expert, the presenter carefully builds a case and reports the facts or supporting arguments without featuring her perspective. Interestingly, when a speaker does take on the role of an expert, she’s asking the audience to debate, question, and even disagree with the content she presents. In psychology, this is called “priming.”³⁵ Is it any wonder that women who strive to be experts are fearful of how they’ll be perceived? It’s like encouraging an audience to mentally (and sometimes verbally) tear apart your content. Talk about pressure!

Instead, when a speaker commits to convincing her audience, there are a myriad of tools she can employ. She can be passionate about her topic. She can target her comments to what is relevant to her audience. She can tell stories. And she can add her own perspective based on her experience, observations, or beliefs.

When you choose a role other than expert, it doesn’t matter if someone disagrees with you. It’s only one person’s opinion versus yours. I’ve enjoyed listening to great speakers who are competitive, goal-oriented, and intentional. They understand how these traits serve them. These same traits have to be subsumed if you take on the role of an expert. And of course, there will always be someone smarter or more experienced than you.

The good news is that most of the boring, long, and forgettable presentations I’ve listened to were delivered by speakers who believed they needed to be an expert before they had the right to address an audience. Don’t make that mistake. Take the pressure off yourself. You and your audience will be grateful.

Myth #3: It’s Unprofessional to Include My Values, Experience, or Perspective When Presenting a Business Topic

Somewhere along the line, it became pro forma to leave our opinion or perspective out of presentations, essays, and negotiations. I think habit and the fear of being judged drives this condition for women.

Perhaps it was passed down from one generation of business executives to the next. Or we copied speakers who were cautious or boring. Or we didn’t want to be challenged. Regardless of where we learned it, we accepted the message that to be taken seriously, we needed to be as objective as possible. This form of communication no longer serves us.

When training women clients, I carefully listen for how they assemble their content. If they go on too long or sound as if they’re delivering a clinical report on their topic, I’ll interject and ask for an “I” statement. It’s valuable for the speaker to include her perspective or tell me why she took a particular course of action. Including your take on a subject is not self-aggrandizing. When a speaker shares her unique perspective, the audience understands why it’s important to her and will more readily buy in.

When a speaker shares her unique perspective, the audience understands why it’s important to her and will more readily buy in.

There was a study conducted in the mid-1990s that’s still relevant today. Published as Self-Presentation Impression Management and Interpersonal Behavior, the study by Mark R. Leary determined the two most important factors required for a speaker to achieve a high likability quotient.³⁶ The first is that the speaker needs to reveal something about herself (or her perspective) in her opening remarks. And the second is that her presentation should be tailored or customized to the audience.³⁷

What fascinates me about this study is that even when someone disagrees with you, she’ll be more receptive if you risked sharing your take on the subject. I’ve noticed, whether the topic is economics, women’s health, or immigration, when a speaker presents a compelling, well-constructed argument and includes her own perspective, she has my attention. I’m impressed (and more easily swayed) because she’s courageous enough to take a public stand. In other words, I like her more.

Women have told me that their challenge is to be seen as respected professionals. As a result, they’re fearful that revealing something about their experience or perspective will somehow reduce their credibility. It’s the opposite. When you open up and give your opinion—as long as it’s thoughtful and relevant to the topic—you’re more likable, you’ll be taken seriously, and you’ll be seen as a leader. Here’s an example of a client we worked with at Eloqui who wanted to move into upper management.

Bobbie* was an analyst for one of the world’s largest technology firms. She came to us because she hadn’t been promoted in years and she felt that her career had stalled.

Every month, Bobbie was responsible for delivering the numbers and reporting on the effectiveness of two payment-process systems so her superiors could decide which to roll out to their customers.

Over five coaching sessions, we did our best to persuade Bobbie that in addition to delivering the numbers, she should include her professional opinion. Bobbie wouldn’t budge. She argued that we “didn’t understand her technology firm and advocating for one position over the other just wasn’t done.”

When we finally convinced her that she had nothing to lose, Bobbie gave her supervisors a compelling argument about why, from her perspective, one system was preferred over the other. One month later, Bobbie was promoted to a managerial position.

All this time, her superiors had been waiting for Bobbie to express her opinion and take a stand—they wanted to be sure she was capable of leading.

I understand Bobbie’s dilemma. We’ve worked at companies where the corporate culture doesn’t support or encourage innovation—except within extremely narrow parameters. I’m paraphrasing, but the thinking goes something like this: “There is the (company name) way. The company has a template to be followed for career advancement. There is a specific profile of what an executive looks and sounds like at the company.” If there’s no flexibility in how you communicate your message, it’s worth asking yourself whether the company you’re at is the best place for you to grow and develop your unique skills.

There’s another compelling reason for adding your own perspective or experience, especially at the beginning of a talk. Speaker anxiety typically peaks a couple of minutes before and during the first few minutes of a presentation. One of the best ways to mitigate anxiety is to speak about something from your own experience that you know well.

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* Stories in this book are based on real experiences, but client names and other identifiers have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy.

One of the best ways to mitigate anxiety is to speak about something from your own experience.

A few years ago, I was asked to address the Ventura, California, chapter of the National Association of Women Business Owners about finding your authentic voice. The event was held at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California, and was the first time I’d be delivering a keynote without my partner, David. I was comfortable with our tag-team routine, but going solo was new territory. Even though I was familiar with performance techniques to reduce anxiety, I worried that a quavering voice might plague me.

For my opening, I decided to tell the story of the first time I went skydiving. The rationale was that if my voice shook or my throat went dry, I could easily fold those symptoms into what it felt like before a jump. Every speaker needs a safety net.

While still in my seat, I mentally took myself back to the experience so that I could convey the immediacy of the jump. Even though it was many years ago, I felt the knot in my gut, heard the sound of the howling wind in the open cockpit, and saw the brightly colored parachutes of those who jumped before me. I knew that recalling these sense memories would give my opening story an added richness.

Just as I took the stage, lunch was served.

Without the expected wind-up of “Thank you for having me” or “Let me tell you a story,” I started with:

“The noise was deafening. The wind howled. Being the smallest, I was last in line. I scooted on my butt toward the giant gaping plane door . . .”

All the clanging of silverware abruptly stopped. I had the audience’s attention. They were surprised at how I started, and curious about what I would say next.

I felt an immediate confidence boost, and the synapses in my brain fired. Rather than getting every word right, I made the audience picture what it was like jumping out of a plane. Once they could imagine it, I made the link with how skydiving is similar to overcoming a fear of public speaking and finding your authentic voice.

This speech was a turning point for me. During the rest of my presentation, I was excited, not anxious. Rather than striving to be perfect, I redirected my attention to the audience to connect and convince them that they, too, could experience what I had. Of all the comments I received after the forty-five-minute talk, the majority were about skydiving and how the women couldn’t imagine making the jump—but they could imagine public speaking because at least it wouldn’t kill them! Even though it was my story, it touched a nerve with the audience.

Myth #4: It’s Not Ladylike to Rock the Boat

Don’t let fear prevent you from challenging the norm or consensus.

Years ago, a few television series experimented with alternatives to self-contained programs that wrapped up each episode’s narrative arc at the end of thirty or sixty minutes. Back in 1981 the series Hill Street Blues pioneered the concept of character-driven dramatic television. Over multiple episodes, the show’s creators broke the mold by fracturing linear story lines, exploring the flawed characters’ lives, and depicting a gritty urban environment. The series won twenty-six Emmy Awards.

The writer David Milch, who also co-created NYPD Blue, told the New York Times, “There’s a saying in all writers’ rooms—it’s either fear or faith. You’re either trying to satisfy your guess about other people’s expectations, or you’re working through the genuine and authentic possibilities of the material.”³⁸

By choosing the latter, Milch, his partner Steven Bochco, and others exhibited chutzpah with their willingness to risk millions of dollars and their careers. Standard operating theory in the entertainment industry is to create material with an eye on audience expectations, and typically repeat what has worked in the past. Today, whether it’s Penny Dreadful, Billions, or my favorite series, Ray Donovan, many shows now continue storylines and character arcs over multiple episodes. And they use teaser clips to entice audiences to watch next time.

Unfortunately, in the entertainment industry, there are still few opportunities for women to direct television or films. As of 2015 only 18 percent of first-time episodic television directors were female.³⁹ Recently, the Directors Guild Association reported that only 6.4 percent of the 347 feature films released in 2013 and 2014 were directed by women, and just 3 percent of the 212 films with U.S. domestic box-office grosses greater than $10 million were helmed by women.⁴⁰ There are even fewer examples of women directing action films, since that’s typically considered a man’s territory.

But a handful of female directors have broken the mold. I cheered when Kathryn Bigelow won an Academy Award for Best Director in 2010 for The Hurt Locker.⁴¹ Bigelow was the first female director in history to win this award. I applauded the decision to have Kimberly Peirce direct the remake of the cult favorite Carrie in 2013 with a $30 million budget.⁴² And although the Academy of Motion Pictures didn’t nominate Ava DuVernay for her direction of Selma, the movie about the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I appreciated the bold move of giving the storytelling responsibility of this film to a relative newcomer.⁴³

Most people don’t know that DuVernay was rejected seven times by the Sundance Institute before she broke through and won the festival’s directing award with Middle of Nowhere. I appreciated her frankness when, giving a talk on women in Hollywood, she said, “So often in this industry we wait for permission. We wait for someone to tell us it’s OK to do something. Sometimes you have to create your own systems, your own structure.”⁴⁴ DuVernay did just that when she founded the African-American Film Festival Releasing Movement in 2011 to distribute black independent films. She didn’t wait for anyone to hand her anything.

In business, male executives are expected to make changes. I’ve coached many male CEOs and managing partners who are exhilarated when given the chance to put their own stamp on a project. They’re competitive and want to be acknowledged for their bold moves. They know that what’s risky and trend-setting today may be tame and the new norm in just a few years.

Does the same standard apply to female executives? Ursula Burns, CEO of Xerox and the first African-American woman to run a Fortune 500 company, has an unaffected, no-nonsense presentation style. Her message on telling it like it is can be a beacon for women: “I realized I was more convincing to myself and to the people who were listening when I actually said what I thought, versus what I thought people wanted to hear me say.”⁴⁵

Burns also uses wit and self-effacing humor to play down her accomplishments. “One of the things that I was told early on is that you should never let them see you sweat. I remember hearing that and saying: ‘Oh my God! I think that they have to see you sweat.’”⁴⁶

Lori Garver, former deputy administrator of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), is another woman who has the courage to make tough and often unpopular changes. Garver shared her perspective in Stop Playing Safe: Rethink Risk. Unlock the Power of Courage. Achieve Outstanding Success, by Margie Warrell: “People have grown to understand that they know exactly where they stand with me.”⁴⁷ She didn’t say that her colleagues always liked where she stood on issues, but at least there was no confusion.

Myth #5: Women Are More Effective Behind the Scenes

When David and I conduct interactive public workshops or trainings within companies, 90 percent of the time the men volunteer first. Women will participate eventually, but only after reading the room. I’ve even had to “voluntell” some women to be out front. If I had to guess the reason for this reluctance, I’d say it’s that women tend to avoid being impetuous. Women don’t want to put themselves out there and do it wrong. They’ve internalized the expectation that if they can’t be perfect, then they don’t want to be exposed, vulnerable, or subject to criticism.

The only time I see women go first is with an exercise that gives participants seven ways to close a presentation. The instructions are that if someone else has chosen the closing device you wanted, and speaks before you do, that choice is now off the table. Since women prepare as much as possible and typically don’t like being put on the spot, they’re often the first to volunteer—but only so no one else chooses their closing device.

I can’t think of one valid reason why men are better leaders, ambassadors, or public speakers. But each of these jobs requires putting yourself out front and having the courage of your convictions.

One Friday night our synagogue invited an elderly gentleman to give a talk on the Dead Sea Scrolls. The subject held little interest for me and the gentleman was shuffling very slowly to the lectern. I wondered how to leave discreetly before he began to speak.

Had I left, I would have missed one of the most compelling and informative presentations I’ve ever heard. His passion for the subject made the time fly by. I chided myself for making an assumption that because he was in his eighties and slow on his feet, his speaking ability was diminished. I never made that mistake again.

If every speaker had a similar style, the audience would soon be deathly bored. The solution is to be authentic and invested in your material. It’s fine to admire a dynamic speaker. But if your style is more reserved and thoughtful, then that’s what an audience will respond to—because it’s genuine.

Audiences can tell if you are trying to be something you’re not. Personally, I’m turned off by motivational speakers. They seem phony. Their gestures are often exaggerated. I’m not sure what they really believe. Because their delivery sounds canned and rote, it’s obvious this talk is a repeat.

To be a persuasive speaker, engage with the audience by allowing moments of insight and inspiration to emerge. Be present. Strive to come across as connected to your topic and the audience, as opposed to reciting, memorizing, or reading your material. Take active steps to break the fourth wall, the imagined barrier between the speaker and the audience. You can do this by crossing downstage (moving at an angle toward the audience), asking a question, or interacting with audience members.

Take active steps to break the fourth wall, the imagined barrier between the speaker and the audience.

Women often tell me they feel inadequate because motivational speakers sound polished. So I ask them, “Did that speaker move you? Did he tailor his talk to you? Was the speaker genuine?” If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” then don’t waste your time trying to emulate that individual.

Thank goodness more and more women are taking the stage and being role models for how to be authentic in front of an audience—whether they’re politicians, film directors, or authors. Yes, we’re still underrepresented in almost every arena, but the times, they are a-changin’.

In the twenty-first century, female comics are succeeding on a par with male comics. Their social observations and multifaceted characters cover the full gamut—from the raunchy humor of Lisa Lampanelli and Sarah Silverman to the triple threat of Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, and Amy Poehler. More women are viewing comedy as a viable career, despite being vulnerable and exposed when they deliver stand-up routines to live audiences. Note how many successful male comedians, including Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld, returned to live stand-up precisely because it requires a direct connection with the audience and fine-tunes their skills. For the same reason, I encourage women to stand up and speak in as many venues as possible.

Two of my favorite comic pioneers are Tig Notaro and Amy Schumer. Notaro turned her cancer diagnosis into one of the funniest stand-up routines in recent years. Schumer is simply unstoppable. She has done HBO comedy specials and reached superstar status—she won a 2015 Emmy Award for her series Inside Amy Schumer and starred in the feature film Trainwreck.⁴⁸ Schumer finds humor in the mundane and speaks to audiences as if we’re all having a drink together at a neighborhood bar. Nothing is off-limits for her. As a spokesperson for millennials, she proves that feminists can swear, shock, and make lurid sexual references while still being outrageously funny and somehow normal. What I particularly like about Schumer is that she’s redirecting her self-deprecating humor onto society. She’s my kind of woman.

There are still too many female politicians from the same cookie-cutter mold, but others give me hope. Take Harvard-educated lawyer and politician Wendy Davis, for example. As a state senator, Davis stood in her trademark pink sneakers and used a thirteen-hour filibuster in the Texas legislature to fight for a woman’s right to choose.⁴⁹

Regardless of your political views, consider the ups and downs of Hillary Clinton’s career. For decades Clinton worked behind the scenes, as well as front and center, constantly under the glare of the public spotlight.

As a young lawyer, she was appointed by President Jimmy Carter in 1977 to serve on the board of the Legal Services Corporation, which she later chaired.⁵⁰ She co-founded Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families to support the rights of women and children and was the first female partner at Rose Law Firm.⁵¹ The National Law Journal included her in 1988 and again in 1991 on its list of the 100 most influential lawyers in America.⁵²

As first lady from 1993 to 2001, Clinton was excoriated for her outspoken opinions, for her health-care agenda, and for standing by her husband, President Clinton, during his extramarital affairs.

After her husband left office, she decided it was her turn. Instead of returning to law practice, she ran for office in New York and won, becoming the first former first lady to be elected to the U.S. Senate. In 2008, she ran for the Democratic presidential nomination. When she lost, she accepted the position of secretary of state—the first former first lady to hold a federal Cabinet-level position—and turned it into a platform to speak out for women’s rights around the world.⁵³ In a 2012 Gallup poll, she was voted the number-one most-respected woman in the world with 21 percent choosing her and only 5 percent choosing first lady Michelle Obama.⁵⁴

Still, Clinton is seen as polarizing and viewed as a lightning rod by many people. The rap on her is that she’s not likable. But there’s always a price to pay for being visible and out front.

How do you want to be remembered? And what do you want to accomplish during your lifetime? It may require a thick skin and a short memory, but women give birth, for heaven’s sake. We can handle it.

Myth #6: I Need to Be Polished and Perfect to Be Taken Seriously

I’ve seen too many women overprepare and overrehearse their presentations, hoping this will reduce their anxiety and enable them to live up to their expectations—as well as those of others. Sometimes the effort can backfire.

Naima held an executive position at a major medical-device company. She was tasked with delivering a keynote to her entire division. A lot was riding on this presentation, so Naima hired a speechwriter and spent many hours producing a well-crafted and comprehensive speech. She rehearsed and rehearsed, so that she barely had to reference her notes. She felt ready and confident.

After Naima finished, she thought, “I nailed it!” Her boss followed with his remarks. Unlike Naima, he more or less winged it—moving through the audience and speaking off the cuff.

About a week later, Naima was shocked when the evaluations came in. Her marks were in the eighties (out of 100), while her boss received marks in the nineties.

Although she didn’t understand, I knew exactly what had happened. The audience didn’t feel connected to Naima. One of the comments was, “We didn’t know who she was or what she wanted from us.”

After this presentation, Naima became my client and never again worked from a script, only a cue sheet and outline so her authentic voice could come through and she could more easily connect with her audience.

When I see a speaker like Naima, who reads or memorizes her material, I know there’s work to do. There’s an inevitable disconnect. The speaker is in her head. Her eye contact suffers and her voice sounds like she’s reading, which results in a presentation that sounds stilted and dull. By reciting her text, rather than speaking in a conversational tone, she is perceived as someone who doesn’t own her material.

Audiences don’t trust presenters who are too polished or perfect. They prefer speakers who are a bit rough around the edges, speak in a genuine voice, and are doing their best to engage an audience.

Audiences don’t trust presenters who are too polished or perfect.

There may be another principle at play. Women can be overly concerned about appearances—being judged by, competing against, or wanting to be accepted by other women. Women more than men notice what’s in style. Unfortunately, once we sharpen our powers of observation, women can be overly self-conscious about weight, hair, wardrobe, and fitness level.

These assessments are honed during our teenage years and set the stage for a lifetime of concern. No matter how smart we are, we’re bombarded by messages from the media, our peers, and even our parents that tell us we also have to look feminine, sexy, and youthful.

With so much pressure, women play into the hands of the fashion industry. Men’s suits, shirts, and shoes can last a decade, but many styles of women’s clothing are obsolete in one season. Skirts can go from just below the knee to mid-calf to mini in the blink of an eye. Celebrities like Beyoncé, Britney Spears, and Jennifer Lopez have their own clothing lines because they know their fans will copy what they see them wear.

Whenever we observe and compare ourselves to others, nine times out of ten we come up short.

By focusing on image over intelligence, style over substance, and being nice instead of effective, women set themselves up for failure. Too many women believe they can never be knowledgeable enough, polished enough, or perfect. It’s time to overcome centuries of programming that says our value is diminished if we don’t fit some impossible standard.

Myth #7: Public Speaking Is for Public Figures

If we believe the only individuals qualified to speak publicly are those who promote their agenda, sell their goods and services, or are standouts in their field, most of us would never walk onstage or address an audience.

Many women are reluctant to speak if they haven’t reached the top of their field or don’t have a mission. They also tend to have an aversion to the idea of “selling.” But the old-fashioned way of selling doesn’t work for anyone. The best way to convince someone to do business with you is to build a relationship, express a genuine concern, and put yourself in her shoes. Top salespeople form strategic alliances that benefit both parties. They’re authentic, they’re great listeners, and they ask probing questions. Even when it’s difficult, they do what’s best for the client.

The same holds true for public speakers. The outstanding ones are authentic and genuinely seem to care about their subject. Their tone is conversational, rather than professorial or affected. Audiences feel as if the speaker is having a dialogue with them, even though they are separated by a stage, conference table, or PowerPoint presentation. The best speakers share what’s true for them and want the audience to take away something valuable.

What are you passionate about, experienced in, or driven to share with the world? After training every personality and communication type, I know anyone can learn the techniques for delivering powerful presentations. But what transforms speakers from ordinary to extraordinary is the desire to reach more than one person at a time. Sometimes a dramatic event can motivate us to change course when we least expect it, as in the case of Ashley:

Ashley was an accomplished fitness trainer, long-distance runner, and athlete. Then the driver of an SUV ran a red light and smashed into her motorcycle. Ashley’s leg was almost ripped off and if it wasn’t for a Good Samaritan who used his belt to stop the bleeding, she would have died.

After thirty-five surgeries and three years of physical therapy, Ashley made a remarkable recovery. Although the doctors said she’d lose her leg, Ashley fought valiantly to keep it. What’s left of her leg is deformed, but bears her weight. She still tires easily, limps at times, and has reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome—which she describes as searing nerve pain. But Ashley is determined and hardworking. Even though she’d never been on a public stage before the accident, she’s now committed to sharing her story on the speaker circuit.

Ashley’s determination to overcome these obstacles motivated her to conquer her stage fright. Over three months of training, she progressed from a passionate but unstructured amateur to someone who can command the stage and adapt her material to the audience. She has become a role model for young people, business professionals, and anyone suffering from physical or psychological trauma. To me, there’s no better example of how someone’s passion propelled her to achieve what she believed was impossible.

Many women are great connectors, nurturers, and storytellers. Coincidentally, these are also terrific attributes for memorable public speakers. So rather than changing who you are to fit an arbitrary mold, why not redefine what makes a dynamic speaker and apply your strengths to being onstage?

When I directed film and television, I was very comfortable working behind the scenes. I had no trouble directing (some would say bossing) large technical crews, professional actors, or businesspeople. I knew what I wanted and how to ask for it. Being on set was where I belonged; whenever I was away, I couldn’t wait to get back.

But if asked to deliver a speech to a business organization, I panicked. To say I was out of my comfort zone was an understatement. However, there was one time I couldn’t get out of giving a talk to members of the local Chamber of Commerce on how video could advance their businesses.

For months, I agonized over this fifteen-minute talk. Every morning, I thought, “Why did I agree to do this?” I didn’t sleep the night before the speech. That morning, my chin sported a giant zit, and my hair had a life of its own. I looked and sounded like a zombie. I managed to get through the talk, but I have no idea what I said.

Years later, I was networking to grow our then-fledgling communication business. A member of a local Chamber asked me to speak to her group about unique self-introductions or colorful stories that would attract others to their business. My earlier Chamber speech flashed across my mind, but this time it made me smile.

I still had a dilemma. I don’t like lecturing or when people lecture me. Yet that was what I’d been asked to do. My instinct was to coach listeners to rethink how they introduced themselves or described their services. I remembered the old axiom from the film business: “Never work with kids, dogs, or amateurs.” Still, my gut said I could make it work.

That morning, I gave a brief opening on how to set yourself or your firm apart with a self-introduction and did a quick overview of the concepts from cognitive science on how to be memorable. Then I went around the room and asked various professionals to give their pitch and describe what they do.

My favorite was Charles, an interior designer who dutifully listed his services and sat down. With a bit of probing, I learned that Charles was one of HGTV’s designers, chosen to overhaul a family’s kitchen. But the family had disintegrated the morning the TV crew arrived to film the completed renovation. The husband, contemplating divorce, went out the night before and didn’t come home. The wife was still sleeping when Charles arrived. After he woke her up, she was in no mood to talk about her new kitchen and refused to be on camera. No one in the family was wearing the agreed-upon Hawaiian shirts that matched the kitchen’s new decor. Sophisticated Charles didn’t get the memo. He conducted the tour for the film crew by himself, feeling ridiculous in the Hawaiian shirt.

The audience was mesmerized. Charles’ credibility skyrocketed. By describing the train wreck that was supposed to be his big break, he opened the door for other professionals to share their stories.

That day I realized my gift is to facilitate. Taking on that role quieted the critic in my head and, for the first time, I felt that I was making a real contribution to my audience. Unexpectedly, I also got the group’s highest evaluation for a speaker, which made me laugh because they did most of the talking. The best advice I can give you is to find what you do best and then translate that talent into how you craft a presentation.

Myth #8: Audiences Will Judge Me Harshly

The only way to be seen as the go-to person in your field is to speak publicly. I can’t tell you how many times someone has pulled me aside and bemoaned the fact that So-and-so has advanced beyond her, even though that person is much less talented or qualified. Well, So-and-so took advantage of every opportunity to speak at conferences, be on panels, and network in the community. That’s how she moved up in the company or industry.

But that’s not the real issue. Many women won’t speak in public because they believe the audience is expecting them to do poorly or even fail. I’ve learned over the years that you never know what the audience is really thinking. If people are on their phones, they could be checking their email—but they might also be taking notes or texting great reviews of your talk to colleagues. If you see someone with a negative expression on his face, he could be hungry, tired, or processing what you’ve said. Or maybe he had a fight with his boss before coming to your talk.

Deena, an authority on software who worked for the industry’s largest player, experienced severe stage fright. She was giving a presentation on a large stage when she looked out and thought she saw several people judging her with negative, condescending expressions.

Traumatized, she froze and couldn’t continue. She left the stage and considered herself a failure. She retired from the industry and went back to school to become a therapist who specialized in career counseling.

Deena’s story is unfortunate because no one should have to be in front of an audience without a safety net. It’s the equivalent of the actor’s nightmare about going onstage naked. All eyes are on you, and it’s humiliating. And when you feel the piercing gaze of hundreds of eyes, it can throw you off your game or, at the very least, make it impossible to think on your feet or deliver your best material.

Try these techniques if you lose your place when speaking publicly.

First, recap your presentation—even if you’re only minutes in. The audience will think you’re being considerate, and won’t know you’re allowing your brain to catch up. Just don’t reveal what you’re doing by saying, “To recap . . .”

You can also do what we call the meaningful glance. Whenever you lose your place, pause. Take a few steps in any direction while looking thoughtful and away from the audience. This technique buys you precious time to remember where you were or, when necessary, regain your composure. It can also make you seem brave. After all, how many speakers trust silence in front of an audience for a full three to five seconds?

Another performance technique when you start feeling insecure is to make your presentation critical to you. Amateur actors and speakers vainly attempt to make their material more important to the audience, but that’s not nearly as effective as upping the ante for yourself. My partner, David, once shared a technique he learned during his time as a professional actor. When an actor wants to make the chemistry believable in a love scene onstage, the obvious technique would be to exhibit desire as he pursues his partner. But, if he says to himself, “I’ll die if I don’t get her love,” then the entire dynamic changes.

Like Deena, it can be paralyzing for any speaker to look out at an audience and believe she has lost their attention. If, at the same time, her internal critic is yapping away and wreaking havoc, she’ll assuredly crash and burn. There’s no way to be in the moment—either in a theatrical scene or with an audience—while entertaining negative thoughts.

But you can reduce or eradicate the judgment you believe is being directed your way. First, find the friendly faces in the audience. (Readers, when you’re in the audience, be one of those friendly faces that a speaker sees.) Rather than trying to make direct eye contact, look at someone’s forehead. No one can tell the difference, and you’ll be less likely to interpret someone’s expression as negative.

If you sense a better way to persuade or move your audience, change your content or delivery on the fly. You can think on your feet, especially if you’ve shut off that critical voice questioning your ability.

My favorite technique is to be competitive. Put your full attention on turning around the naysayers by committing to your material. Tune out any negative energy you feel. Show the courage of your convictions. Project confidence and know that you can’t please everyone.

Myth #9: Public Speaking Isn’t Necessary to Be Successful

Every professional needs strong speaking skills. Executives at almost every level at Mattel, our client for many years, give dozens of presentations annually. They pitch to partners including Disney and DreamWorks, to buyers from stores like Walmart, Target, and Toys“R”Us, and to their own teams and upper-level management.

It’s no different in the retirement industry for Tuyen. She travels all over the country delivering presentations to her strategic partners, who include investment advisors, retirement specialists, and certified public accountants. Since her company frequently foots the bill for transportation, hotels, and meals, her supervisors need to see a return on their investment. There is no free lunch for this executive.

Even attorneys, who used to sit back and service clients who came to them, now need to pitch for new business. No transaction is a given, and each and every pitch requires a well-crafted presentation. Although every professional needs strong speaking skills, consider the legal industry, where women now constitute 47 percent of law school graduates.⁵⁵ That’s the good news. Gender equality stops there. As of July 2014, male attorneys make up 66 percent of attorneys nationwide, while only 17 percent of equity partners in law firms are women, and the women who do make partner earn substantially less than their male counterparts.⁵⁶

Is it any wonder that female attorneys are leaving the legal profession later on in life?⁵⁷ But what if a female attorney is committed to succeeding regardless of external pressures, failing to make partner, or the many other hurdles she has to jump over?

Meredith clerked for a judge during law school and then interned at a prestigious firm, which hired her when she passed the bar. She works an average of sixty to seventy hours a week and forgoes a personal life (including taking vacations and having children) because she’s focused on her dream of becoming partner.

After eight years at the firm, Meredith believes she’s ready. But to attain partner status, Meredith needs to do more than work hard and win cases. She must be a superstar who also sits on charitable boards and networks to form strategic alliances. Most important, she must also be a successful rainmaker who constantly brings in new business.

All of these activities require Meredith, who’s inherently shy, to develop strong communication skills and give presentations that establish her as a go-to person in her practice area.

It’s not just attorneys who feel the pressure to work 24/7. Everyone is feeling the time crunch. When the recession hit in 2008, companies stopped hiring, leaving the remaining staff overloaded and overworked.⁵⁸ Nearly all of our clients—whether they’re associates, managers, human resources directors, or vice presidents—express frustration about what they have to do because their company is understaffed and they lack the time to accomplish their duties. Not surprisingly, giving presentations tops the list of stressful job-related tasks.

When any professional tells me she doesn’t know how she’ll find the time to give presentations, but appreciates that she needs to, I believe her. If you want to differentiate yourself and advance in your field, you must give talks on your area of expertise.

So whether you’re a real estate attorney who speaks on what the downtown area will look like after it goes through a building boom, or you’re a trial lawyer who wants to become a media resource when celebrities run afoul of the law (I do live in Los Angeles), successful lawyers know how to give compelling presentations.

Shelly attended an Eloqui workshop years ago. From the moment I met her, I could tell she was determined to succeed. A labor and employment attorney, Shelly represented business owners. She counseled them on everything from employee hiring and firing to how to avoid sexual-harassment claims.

Shelly didn’t have the high level of speaker anxiety that I typically see with women. She was active in her community—she sat on corporate boards and spoke at fundraisers for the organizations she chaired. She came to us to increase her effectiveness, become more visible, and be promoted within her firm to achieve a commensurate salary.

Five years later, Shelly returned for more training. She brought her law partner, Jim, to sharpen their skills presenting as a team. She also hired a marketing consultant to feature her accomplishments at the annual review. I remember her disappointment when her firm failed to increase her compensation package.

But Shelly didn’t let their decision hold her back. Within eight months, she and Jim set up their own firm. To build their business, they gave free seminars and invited existing and potential clients.

Two years after opening their doors, the firm has more than 1,000 clients. Shelly and Jim have added six attorneys and are enlarging their offices for the third time. Their entire business model for attracting new clients comes from speaking in the community.

Myth #10: I Can Play It Safe and Still Achieve My Goals

After fifteen years of running Eloqui, David and I frequently deliver keynotes at conferences and retreats. Our clients come from industries including information technology, insurance, legal, energy, and manufacturing. We certainly aren’t authorities in any of these fields.