Читать книгу The Bright Way - Diana Rowan - Страница 10
ОглавлениеThe creative quest is one of the most thrilling journeys we can take. Yet it can also feel overwhelming at the outset. I understand this because I lost touch with my own creativity for decades.
Adrift starting around the age of ten, I only regained my bearings in my early thirties. Despite years of musical study and accomplishments, I felt as if I was clawing around in darkness for a thread of security. Those nightmarish fears performers have? You’ve already seen that I endured them in public: suffering major memory lapses onstage, throwing up before performances, feeling humiliated as I shook like a leaf in front of hundreds of people, running offstage, refusing to go onstage — among other horrors. Performance anxiety is one of the most traumatic and seemingly mysterious problems artists endure. This fear isn’t just theoretical; it was physically, emotionally, and spiritually crushing.
Years of teaching confirm for me that our stories reflect one another’s. My guess is that you already relate to much of what I’ve shared. Allow me to continue weaving our stories together so that you can walk this path of transformation with me.
How did I find myself in such a predicament in the first place? My creative journey started optimistically, as many journeys do. I took up piano at age eight. My delight in playing, practicing, and generally being around the piano as much as possible made it clear right away that I would become a professional musician. Perhaps you have joyful early memories of creative encounters, too? As I entered the magical world of music, everything became hyper-real for me. Regular life seemed less vivid, less true, while the musical world bathed me in something golden, bright, eternal. I was home.
It didn’t take long for this reverie to fade. Yes, I was following my bliss, but the ride got rough, and fast. The pressure of exams, recitals, and competitions crushed the joy out of everything. I started avoiding practice, fearing lessons, agonizing over whether I had the exceptional talent to be a professional musician. Maybe you recognize some of these feelings?
Nonetheless, I persevered. I loved music; surely that was a sign that I’d been chosen as gifted? How impossibly cruel life would be if that were not so! But the fears made me doubt my abilities. Were my fears warning me that I didn’t “have it”?
I hoped the fears would fade with time, but they grew worse. The more I accomplished, the higher the stakes became. The battle was relentless. My performance anxiety infected all areas of my life. My short fuse blew small disagreements into major showdowns. I took offense at even the most innocent comments and interactions. I lost trust in my body’s ability to heal itself, became deaf to its signals, and even began to see it as my enemy. In all areas I tortured myself about the ever-present prospect of making public and private mistakes. If any of this sounds familiar to you, I send you a beam of love to fuel your courage going forward.
Casting about for a lifeline, I grappled for that treasure trove of knowledge others seemed to possess. Those in-crowd people who create and perform with joy — why was I so different from them? I needed to exit this vortex, and fast. Performances cropped up regularly. The next exam was always around the corner. And, ironically, the intensity was only going to increase as I got more accomplished. I needed to show up with confidence and inspiration, not as the pathetic figure of weakness I embodied. My ears rang and my eyes watered. I went from vortex to black hole, endlessly craving and swallowing positive feedback, which vaporized instantly. There was no relief. The pressure kept mounting. Nothing made sense. I felt the greatest of fears: that I was alone.
Finally, during my second semester as a music major at the university, I couldn’t bear it any longer. I quit music cold. I was only eighteen years old and believed the life I had hoped for was already over.
Retreat
My self-imposed exile from music lasted four long years. I worked in the health field, mostly in social welfare and psychology settings, and studied classics, a favorite subject for me in high school. Among the places I worked was a battered women’s shelter and hotline; the front desk of the Berkeley Free Clinic, which provides healthcare to the homeless; and a halfway house. As I witnessed people suffering the extremes of domestic violence, poverty, addiction, and ill health, I noticed a common thread connecting them all.
They all wanted to experience joy and belonging, just like everyone else. Whatever their particular circumstances, in all cases their personal power had been obliterated. How could they reclaim that power? I didn’t have an answer then. But these fellow travelers in life told me that finding at least one answer was a quest I couldn’t refuse. They directed me to my starting point: the knowledge that reclaiming your power is essential to human fulfillment. Yet I remained mystified about how to take on what seemed an outlandishly large mission.
Still separated from my music making, whenever I’d hear even so much as piano Muzak in the elevator, I’d burst into tears, stabbed by the pain of loss. If you are living with this kind of pain right now, I hold you in my heart. Your pain is real, and you need to listen to it. Your pain is not your enemy; it is pointing you toward a better way, a better life.
Looking back, I see as clear as day that I was disconnected from my true self and, as an inevitable consequence, disconnected from my power and creativity. How did I discover all this on my own? I didn’t! Despite having believed I was alone in my struggle, it turns out that clues and quiet assistance had been present all along.
Your pain is not your enemy; it is pointing you toward a better way, a better life.
Enter the Allies
Take heart. I discovered that my allies had been gathering around me my entire life, and I’ve found this to be true for almost everyone. You have far more support eagerly waiting in the wings than you know. We’ll be finding out who and what your supports are soon. Who and what were my allies?
My parents were still college students when I was born. I enjoyed being the novelty only child among the young, wild Dublin intellectuals of the ’70s. My father became a diplomat for the Irish government when I was three, giving me the opportunity to grow up all over the world, moving countries every four years or so. I got firsthand experience of the wondrous variety of ways that cultures encourage and interpret human creativity.
You have far more support eagerly waiting in the wings than you know.
This alliance of cultures illuminated new possibilities for me, which I will share with you throughout our journey together. As my creative journey matured, I learned how to incorporate these new perspectives. For example, by moving to California I encountered African music masters who introduced me to a playful freedom where “wrong” notes are understood simply as what chose to show up at that moment. Touring with bansuri maestro Deepak Ram, I witnessed the unabashedly spiritual foundation of Indian music, where surrender to the divine is second nature. Living in Cyprus and Iraq and traveling all over the Middle East, I participated in the ecstatic communing of that region’s music, where the self, the ego, is not the focus. These were the oases I strung together to form a new continent of creativity. Eventually these diverse influences coalesced into an ethos I could live by. Each of these influences is mighty in its own right; together, they form a lifeline guiding me through today’s labyrinthine world.
My most pointed ally intervention came from my mother. At twenty-one, I was three years into my music-abandonment period. I met Phyllis — I’ve always called my mum by her first name; my parents’ college friends addressed her that way, which I copied before she realized what was happening — for an afternoon drink. We convened at the prophetically named Orbit Room in San Francisco. At the crossroads of five busy streets and encased in massive glass windows, the place feels like you’re floating in space and time. And that’s where I was, lost in space, tethered to the world only by an as-yet-unseen star.
Phyllis got to the point: “What happened to you and music? It used to be everything to you.”
A couple of glasses of wine in, I began to weep. Lost years weighed on me, failure leered, desire rose in me, only to be dashed: “I’m too old to go back.” Phyllis looked at me incredulously. In my mind, you needed to have won a piano competition by my age to even imagine having a professional career. That was out of the question, with my shattered nerves. Case closed.
Quietly, Phyllis said, “You’re only too old if you think you’re too old.”
You’re only too old if you think you’re too old.
I don’t know why this got through to me, but something clicked right there and then. My limited thinking suddenly felt like chains I had locked on myself. The contradiction was untenable: here I was trying to help other people — some of them old enough to be my grandparents — to reclaim their power while privately destroying my own. I surrendered. The fact was, as crazy as it sounded, I was choosing this path of misery. I confessed to myself that my perception was out of whack more than any degree of accomplishment or “talent.” If I changed my mindset, which thankfully I had seen other brave souls do, it could change my experience. . .and changing my experience would change everything! Could I have another chance at my life?
As I gained a tentative toehold back in the music world, the how of which I’ll share with you later, I didn’t abandon my work in shelters and continued on as a volunteer. I remember teaching piano to a gentleman in the halfway house in San Francisco’s notorious Tenderloin district. Despite struggling desperately with addiction, when he picked out his bare-bones blues during lessons on that big old donated Hammond organ, he lit up, fueled by his own steam for the first time in a long time. The energy in the room changed palpably as his true power sparked to life. I remember a woman who had suffered major depression for forty years telling me with amazement that playing harp was more effective than any of the dozens of strong medications she’d relied on to remain in this world.
Experiences like this convinced me that reconnecting to our creativity is one of the mightiest healers, even if we’ve hit rock bottom. These courageous people reminded me of creativity’s sheer strength and that we can all access it even in the direst of situations. Through these people’s eyes, I saw that creativity’s most powerful function is not to impress or please others. It is to return you to your true self.
Creativity’s most powerful function is to return you to your true self.
Now in my early twenties and hungry to maintain my newfound yet precarious strength, I began to study the practices of great artists and thinkers, as well as cultural movements of the past. I was astonished as a vast network of intertwining philosophies that have been all but lost lit up my consciousness. These forgotten philosophies — many tapping into the power of nature herself, such as traditional Celtic beliefs and the transformational insights of ancient Egypt — married with inspiring global creative practices, such as the Indian classical music model of apprenticeship, to birth my philosophy, the Bright Way creative path you are about to embark on.
BRIGHT WAY ACTIVITY
Who Supports You?
Just as my many allies have helped me, I hope to be your ally as we traverse this Bright Way together. What other allies have been quietly gathering around you? Take a moment to reflect. Who has been silently supporting you over the years? Even someone who gave you one word of encouragement counts.
When I consider my allies, I realize they all have a common quality: they are purveyors of growth. They believe we can grow and flourish at any time, any place. Limitations, as much as these sage allies acknowledge them, are treated as opportunities for growth, not permanent states or indictments. Who in your life has believed in you and pointed out your constant potential for growth? You may well have a fleet of guardian angels that you never noticed before. Write these names and energies down, for your eyes only.
During the unavoidable challenging moments this school of life throws at us, look at your list of allies and feel heartened. You may even feel inspired to deepen your relationship with them, now that they have emerged from the shadows!
If no one or nothing pops to mind, try this exercise: stand up, close your eyes, and feel your feet firmly planted on the ground. Sense each foot in complete contact with the ground. Spread your toes out confidently into the earth. Notice the implicit trust that you’ll stay rooted to the floor rather than fly off. Feel Mother Earth’s unconditional support of you, her gentle presence holding you. You don’t have to grasp for or earn this support. Simply because you are alive, Mother Earth is here as your constant ally. Gather strength from her love.
Heart Connection Practice
In this spirit of recognizing allies and honoring connection, now is the perfect time to tap into your heart energy as a prime source of strength, intelligence, and wisdom. Though this may sound like a lifelong quest, I promise that it’s possible to get in touch with your heart energy right at this moment. Your heart, your ultimate ally, is always with you. We’re discovering more and more about how much the heart really knows. This was clearly understood in the past with the “cardiocentric” views of ancient Egypt and Greece, which place the heart as the primary seat of intelligence. Let’s reclaim this ancient wisdom!
Your heart, your ultimate ally, is always with you.
We Are Here in Love
Try this heart-connection practice now. Close your eyes and think of someone, something, or somewhere you love unconditionally. Easy choices are family members, pets, holiday spots, or anything noncontroversial and joyful for you. Fill yourself with the image and energy of this being, this object or place. Breathe deeply. Feel your heart warm. Allow the sensation in your chest to expand like an infinite balloon. Keep breathing. Keep loving. Keep warming.
If you can’t think of anything you love unconditionally, try this: put your left hand over your heart and close your eyes. Pause. Connect to your heart’s beating. Let a few breaths sink in. Repeat out loud, “We are here. We are here in love. We are love.” Feel your heart courageously pulsating, your steadfast friend. Feel its unconditional love as it gifts you life itself.
Now open your eyes and notice how you feel. Do you feel more hopeful, loving, trusting, strong? Whether or not you do, take heart: you’re already well on your way simply by initiating this practice. You’ll learn how to connect with your heart energy more fully in step one. Practice even now as you read these passages by keeping your heart energy open and engaged. This is your path. Trust your heart as your mind and spirit’s surest ally.
BRIGHT WAY ACTIVITY
First Love
Do you remember the moment you first fell in love and connected with your art (which could be anything from painting landscapes to baking cakes)? Do you remember getting lost in an activity, that thrill of total engagement? How did you feel about yourself? Did you feel strong, excited, or another intense sensation? Write down your memories from these moments, as emotionally and viscerally as possible.
There are many benefits to writing down your feelings and thoughts, from greater insight to increased follow-through. Keeping a creative diary will be one of our main tools on our journey, and you’ll learn more about this artistic ally in the “Bright Way Spiral” chapter. For now, write in whatever is handy, and we’ll collate your work in the diary shortly.
The Principle of Sacred Reciprocity
Your human creativity enables you to wield massive power, a power that affects almost every element and living thing today. How you use that power is up to you. Sometimes people fear that when they open the creativity floodgates, terrible things will be unleashed, as in the myth of Pandora’s box. They cite the creation of the atom bomb as one of the worst examples of this. They see it as the ultimate example of creativity gone wrong, of creativity in service to life destruction rather than life affirmation.
I understand this valid concern. I’m grateful when people bring it up because it ushers in a key principle of the Bright Way. There is a way to ensure you create from a place of positivity, heart-centeredness, and life affirmation rather than life destruction. It’s a technique I use every day to guide me toward creating with love, not fear. What is this creativity safety valve? It’s called Sacred Reciprocity. The energy of Sacred Reciprocity weaves through every page of this book.
Sacred Reciprocity is the force that seeks balanced relationship in all things so that healthy life can flourish.
Sacred Reciprocity is a South American wisdom philosophy with parallels in most other cultures and eras. In a nutshell, Sacred Reciprocity is the force that seeks balanced relationship in all things so that healthy life can flourish.
Figure 1. The Flow of Sacred Reciprocity
Sacred Reciprocity represents an equal exchange of energy that is healthy and helpful for all parties involved. You’ve probably heard the phrase “everything is interconnected.” What does this actually mean? Sacred Reciprocity is an elegant way to grasp and act on the aim of honored interconnection in everyday life. The famous Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” echoes the tenets of Sacred Reciprocity. The more you look, the more you’ll find messages pointing you toward Sacred Reciprocity, hidden in plain sight. Let’s look more closely.
We discussed the miraculous power of creativity to reconnect the creator with herself and the world at large. But do all connections lead to life affirmation? What about connections that are toxic? According to Sacred Reciprocity, these are not true connections. Instead they are one-way drains. Sacred Reciprocity is the most reliable tool I know of to assess whether you are in healthy connection.
Sacred Reciprocity is nonjudgmental and clear. It offers this simple yardstick. Ask yourself, Am I choosing love or fear? When we are in Sacred Reciprocity we make decisions from a place of love and enthusiasm. And marvelously, an equal balance of love and enthusiasm will return to us in the big picture.
The scope of Sacred Reciprocity, also known as right relationship, allows it to deal in multiple currencies. That is, time and money are not the only ways to get in balance with our creative work — or anything else, for that matter.
For example, if you volunteer at a hospice center, your work benefits the patients, staff, and visitors. You benefit from the love you receive and the opportunity to practice your skill in a low-pressure environment, to name just a few of the possible gifts you receive in turn. Your volunteer work, then, satisfies a core tenet of Sacred Reciprocity, that the exchange be equally valuable to all participants. Only you can determine what equal exchange is for you. We’ll learn more about this when we discuss the practice of honoring your direct experience.
The scope of Sacred Reciprocity allows it to deal in multiple currencies.
If you have a job you hate, one that drains your soul, no amount of money will make up for this. Why? Because you’re giving away too much of yourself to be in a healthy balance. Further, you’re operating from a place of fear (“What will happen if I give up this soul-crushing job and the steady paycheck that comes with it?”), fear being an additional drain.
There are many permutations of how energy comes into balance. Sacred Reciprocity gives voice to these many dimensions, freeing you up to honor what makes sense for your life both right now and in the long term.
Wisdom traditions of the world have many ways of describing what happens when Sacred Reciprocity is not respected. The original Greek and Hebrew Biblical words for “sin” are amartano and chata, respectively, which also translate as “missing the mark.” In other words, true connection has not been made, and where there is no connection, there is no love. In Hinduism the concept of karma explains how the quality of connection we make leads to either positive or negative outcomes in life. Buddhism takes this perspective: “Every action, good or bad, has an inevitable and automatic effect in a long chain of causes.” Pagan spirituality’s law of return states that what you put out into the world returns to you threefold — emotionally, physically, and spiritually — recognizing many dimensions, Sacred Reciprocity style.
Finally, you don’t have to have a spiritual outlook to live in Sacred Reciprocity: “Humanists believe that this is the only life of which we have certain knowledge and that we owe it to ourselves and others to make it the best life possible for ourselves and all with whom we share this fragile planet.” Sacred Reciprocity applies everywhere, a clear guide for our complex times.
BRIGHT WAY ACTIVITY
Sacred Reciprocity
Take a moment to consider how Sacred Reciprocity plays into your life right now. As we walk this path together, you’ll learn more about this overarching life philosophy; for now, let’s start with a brief environmental assessment.
Think about the three people who are closest to you. Are you in Sacred Reciprocity with one another? If so, your relationships will feel healthy and strong on the whole. (It’s good to remember, though, that perfection isn’t part of Sacred Reciprocity, as relationships are always changing and rebalancing.) If your relationships don’t feel healthy, what currencies might bring these relationships into balance for all parties? Using the Five Love Languages from Gary Chapman’s book by the same name can be a fun place to start: Do you need to add more words of affirmation to the relationship? How about quality time, physical touch, acts of service, or gifts?
Sacred Reciprocity honors what is sacred to the relationship as a complete ecosystem; so discern which currencies have value in your particular ecosystem. Honor what has value for you.
Sacred Reciprocity: Collaboration, Not Competition
By its very nature, Sacred Reciprocity fosters a spirit of collaboration rather than competition. We spoke earlier about how connection drives human creativity. This book is an example of collaboration across time and space. When I review all the energies that have come together to make this book possible, it’s clear that very little would have happened if a stance of competition had prevailed. So how can we invite more collaboration into our lives?
For many, the workplace is the venue of most competition and strife. If you’ve been struggling to feel more fulfilled and creative in your job, how can you apply Sacred Reciprocity so that connection is restored? How can you be in greater Sacred Reciprocity with your coworkers, your customers, and your vendors?
Take this stance: create win-win situations. When you negotiate, try to understand what the other side wants and what has meaning for them. Ultimately, what currency has value to them? Acknowledge and try to meet those needs within Sacred Reciprocity, remembering that for balance to be attained, you must benefit, too. So when you draw up a contract, spell out the benefits to both sides. When you write an email, be sure to start with a pleasant acknowledgment so that you’re giving as well as taking or requesting.
BRIGHT WAY ACTIVITY
One Small Act of Kindness
It’s true that we live in a competitive society, so sometimes it’s up to us as individuals to go against the grain and get collaborative energy flowing. Today, try one of these techniques: give a stranger a smile, say thank you with meaning, make eye contact. What other small act of kindness can you perform to show people that we’re all in this together?
Go big picture. Look beyond the surface and give something that has genuine meaning for you, no matter how tiny it may seem to the outside world. It could be as small as making someone a cup of tea. Step aside from linear time: Sacred Reciprocity isn’t impatiently transactional, and it can be rebalanced at any time. You have much to offer this world besides money and time, both of which can be in short supply on occasion.
Besides showing you what you genuinely value, Sacred Reciprocity also highlights the many valuable energies you possess inside. Examples could be your compassion and enthusiasm, both of which have the power to turn around someone else’s day when you share them. Take a moment to turn the kindness toward yourself, and acknowledge the beautiful qualities you possess inside.
Sacred Reciprocity even applies to things we might consider inanimate. For example, how do you approach:
•Your musical instrument / tools of your art? Do you embrace them as respected allies, or do you grab them as objects to do your bidding? Meet your instrument in a spirit of Sacred Reciprocity, and whole new dimensions of artistry, support, and motivation will open up to you.
•Food and cooking? That’s always a challenge for me until I acknowledge where all my precious ingredients came from. I think of the people, places, and elements that came together to make this moment and this dish possible. Magically, when I remember these sources in this way, I’m able to connect from a place of positivity and stop feeling as if cooking is merely a mundane task to be performed.
•Other things in your environment that perhaps you can increase your Sacred Reciprocity with?
Creativity and Sacred Reciprocity: The Fuel-Fulfillment Loop
While the concepts explored here may seem lofty, it’s easy to know on a heart level when we are creating in Sacred Reciprocity. When we marry creative engagement with Sacred Reciprocity, we experience the heart-centered sensations of faith and courage. These can only be felt via direct experience. This is why active engagement in life is key. No amount of reading can substitute for experience. It would be like trying to describe the taste of an apple to someone who’s never eaten one, as my mum once said.
When you’re in Sacred Reciprocity, you’re functioning from and sharing your highest self. Your true self comes from a source, however you define that mighty energy, whether as God, spirit, higher power, or life force. Your creativity gives form to this great life spirit. Given the magnitude of this, your creative urge must be fulfilled, and your message must be heard, even if by only you.
Your creative urge must be fulfilled, and your message must be heard, even if by only you.
A void opens in our hearts when we ignore our creative voice. This hole often gets filled with external activities and expectations misaligned with our true selves. We fall prey to the mercy of goods, substances, and other people, immersed in fearful living. We’ve all been there and will be there again. Yet there are reliable routes out of this dead end. The Bright Way is one of these routes.
Throughout human civilization we have pondered whether the universe is friendly or hostile, or perhaps even indifferent. Living in Sacred Reciprocity, we affirm that the universe is friendly. We know the universe as our beloved collaborator, a perspective that in itself can transform our life for the better. Allow in the positive energy that wants to reach you: lower your shield of fear. Imagine yourself as a solar panel, effortlessly attracting sunny energy. This is available to you right now. We’re in this together. My story is your story. Let’s make our stories shine bright!
