Читать книгу Falling For Her Army Doc / Healed By Their Unexpected Family - Dianne Drake - Страница 14

“NO, IT’S NOT your fault,” Janis said, handing Lizzie a tiki cup filled with a Hawaiian Twist—a drink made of banana, pineapple, and coconut milk. And, yes, she’d even put a paper umbrella in it—not that Lizzie needed a tiki cup, a paper umbrella, or even a Hawaiian Twist. But Janis loved to make island favorites for anybody who came to her office, and today this was the favorite.

So Lizzie took a drink and, amazingly, it made her feel a little bit better. It didn’t ease the headache, but it gave her a mental boost.

“It’s not like I haven’t taken a patient out for a walk before.”

“Well, that’s why we built the hospital here,” Janis said, sitting down in a wicker chair across from Lizzie.

They were on the lanai outside Janis’s office, as a perfect tropical breeze swept in around them.

“I know—to take advantage of the location. And the gardens. Because we want our patients to experience paradise. And I do truly believe there are curative powers in simply sitting and enjoying the view. And, in the case of some of our patients, when the memory is gone, they can still find beauty in the moment.”

“Sometimes you’re too soft,” Janis said. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing, considering most of the patients we treat, but for Mateo I’m not sure it’s a good thing. He’s a strong man, with a strong will, and right now that will isn’t working to his advantage. I think he’s trying to find his way around it. Get a foothold somewhere. Honestly, there’s something in Mateo that just isn’t clicking.”

“Do you think he’s trying to take advantage of me? Hoping I can do something for him?”

“He could be. It’s always a consideration with some of our patients.”

“Well, he seems harmless enough to me. And it’s not like anything is going to happen between us.”

“Just be careful of Mateo. I haven’t figured him out yet.”

“Nothing’s going on,” Lizzie stated. “We’ve crossed paths for weeks, and this evening I just… It was a walk, Janis. That’s all. Except for the drinking, everything was fine.”

“Everything except you gave in to your sentimental side and he used it against you. Be careful, Lizzie. I’ve seen it happen before and it never turns out well. And you’re better than that.”

Janis was right. She was better than that. But it wasn’t showing right now. Yet she wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t take another walk with Mateo if he suggested it. Why? Because he was attractive? Because when the real man shone through she liked him? Because she was in the middle of her own crisis and Mateo was a distraction?

“Why don’t you go ahead and start your holiday early? Get away from here. Forget us, forget your patients, and most of all, forget Mateo.”

“There’s no one to cover for me.”

“The locum arrives in the morning. We’ll put him straight to work while you sleep in or sip a mimosa on your lanai. However you choose to spend your days off, Lizzie, they start tomorrow. I need you back at your best and, while I have no complaints about your work, you seem so distant lately. Take the time…get it sorted.”

Forget Mateo? Easier said than done. But with any luck, and two weeks of rest ahead of her, she’d get much more sorted than Mateo. Her dad. Her life. Putting things into perspective.

Now, that was something she was looking forward to.

In her life she worked, she slept, and every Saturday morning she went surfing, if conditions were right. That was it. All of it. And even though she owned her house she’d never really settled in, because she had been so up in the air about her dad.

Was this the place for him? Did he have the best caregiver? Did he need more? Should she enroll him in a day program a few times a week even though he wouldn’t have a clue what it was about?

She’d taken care of her dad for five years before he died, and all her energies outside work had been devoted to him.

Of course, she’d been contacted about great facilities all over the country that would have taken him in and made his last days meaningful. But what would have been “meaningful” to him? Her voice? The familiarity of his old trinkets and clothes? The chicken and rice she’d fixed him every Saturday night that he’d seemed to enjoy, when his enjoyment of other foods had gone away?

He’d had so little left, and there had been nothing any of these facilities could have done to make him better, so why deprive him of things he might remember?

Which was why she was here. He’d always wanted to retire to Hawaii and spend his days sitting on the beach, or planting flowers. That was what she’d given him when they’d moved here…the last thing she could recall that he’d ever asked for.

Now, here she still was, not sure whether to stay and live with the memories or go and start over someplace else. She really didn’t have a life here. All her time had been taken up by work or her dad. Then, after he’d died, she’d filled in the empty hours with more work. Now it was all she could see for herself, and she wasn’t sure she liked what she saw.

So maybe it was finally time to settle down, turn her house into a home, and start working on some of those plans she’d made when she’d moved here.

“I’ll call you in a few days and let you know how it’s going,” she said to Janis as she headed out the door. “And maybe I’ll have a party. A vegetarian luau.”

“With lots of rum punch, since they won’t be getting roast pig?”

Lizzie laughed. “Sounds like a plan. And if you get swamped, let me know. I’ll come back.”

“I know you will—which is why I’m going to ban you from the hospital until you’re back to work full-time. Understand?”

Janis could be hard. In her position she had to be. But, as her former med school professor, and now her friend, she was the best. In fact, she’d been the one who’d offered to take her dad, when his Alzheimer’s had been on the verge of becoming unmanageable at home. She’d even come to the mainland to help her make the move.

“Then how about we meet up at The Shack every few days and you can tell me all the gossip?” Lizzie suggested.

“Or maybe you could hang around there by yourself…meet a man…preferably a nice blond surf bum. How long’s it been since…?”

“Too long,” Lizzie said. “For anything. No details necessary.”

“Then definitely find yourself a surf bum. A nice one with an older brother for me.”

Lizzie was thirty-four, and Janis had twenty years on her, but with her blonde hair, and her teeny-bikini-worthy body, Janis was the one the men looked at while Lizzie was hiding in the shadows, taking mental notes on how to be outgoing.

“I thought you liked them younger these days?” Lizzie teased.

“I like them any way I can have them.” She smiled at Lizzie. “Seriously, take care of yourself. And keep in touch.”

“OK and OK,” she said, then waved backward as she walked away, intending to head back to her office, tidy up, then leave.

But before she got there she took a detour and headed down the wrong hall. Or the right one, if her destination was Mateo’s room. Which, this evening, it was.

“Well, the good news is I get to start my holiday early,” she said to Matteo, who was sitting in a chair next to the window, simply looking out over the evening shadows of the garden, and not sound asleep in bed, as she’d expected. “So, this is me telling you goodbye and good luck.”

“What? No more dates at The Shack?”

“First one was a total bust. With me it’s one strike and you’re out.”

“But you haven’t seen the real me. When that Mateo Sanchez emerges, do I get another chance?”

Lizzie laughed. “I’m betting you were a real charmer with the ladies. One look into those dark eyes and…”

“Do you like my eyes?” he interrupted.

She did—more than she should—and she’d almost slipped up there.

“Eyes are eyes. They’re nice to use to get a clear picture of when you’re being played.”

“I’m not playing you, Lizzie.”

“It doesn’t matter if you are or you aren’t. I’m off on holiday now, and once I’m outside the hospital door everything here will be forgotten for two whole weeks.”

“Including me, Lizzie?”

“Especially you, Mateo. So, if you’re not here when I return…have a good life.”

He stood, then crossed the room to her before she could get out the door. He pulled her into his arms. He nudged her chin up with his thumb and simply stared into her eyes for a moment. But then sense and logic overtook him and he broke his hold on her and stepped away.

“We can’t do this,” he whispered. “I want to so badly, but I never should have started this, and I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” she said, backing all the way out through the door, and trying to walk to the hospital exit without showing off her wobbly knees.

Whatever had just happened couldn’t happen again. She wasn’t ready. Her life was in a mess. But it was one more thing to be sorted in her time off.

Was she really beginning to develop feelings for Mateo?

Or was Janis right?

Was he looking for a foothold? Someone to use?

Was he playing her?

She didn’t want to believe that, but the thought was there. And so was the idea that she had to shore up her reserves to resist him, because he wasn’t going to make it easy.

He wasn’t sure what to think. Didn’t even know if he cared. Still, what he’d done was stupid. Going against hospital policy. Drinking a little too much, dancing to prove…well, he wasn’t sure what he had been trying to prove.

Had he been the doctor of a patient like himself he’d have taken it much worse than Janis and Randy had. In fact, all things considered, they’d been very calm. Or was it the calm before the storm?

Lizzie wasn’t here to defend him now, and he missed her. Not just because she’d seemed to take his side, but because he genuinely liked her. Maybe even missed her already. Right now, he didn’t have any friends, and she’d turned out to be not only a friend but someone he trusted.

Except she wasn’t in the picture now. He was on his own and trying to figure out what would come next in his life.

“None of this is what I planned,” he said aloud to himself as he looked out the window.

Five years in the military, then find a good surgical practice somewhere in a mountainous area. Or maybe near canyons or desert. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d wanted, to be honest, but those were the areas that were tugging on his mind, so maybe that was what he’d wanted pre-amnesia. Not that it mattered now.

“You haven’t been to your cognitive therapy group,” Randy Jenkins said from the doorway.

He was a short man with thick glasses, who wore dress pants and a blue shirt, a tie and a white lab coat. He didn’t look like he’d seen the inside of a smile in a decade.

“Haven’t even left your room. You’re way past the point where your meals should be served to you on a tray in your room. But you’re refusing to come to the dining room.”

Because he didn’t want to. Because nothing here was helping him. Because he wanted his old life back, whatever that was, and he was pretty sure it didn’t involve sitting in a group with nine other memory loss patients talking about things they didn’t remember.

“And what, exactly, will those prescribed things do for me?” he asked, turning to face the man.

“Give you a sense of where you are now, since you can’t go back to where you were before.”

“Where I am now is looking out a window at a life that isn’t mine.”

“Do you want to get better, Doctor?”

Mateo shook his head angrily. “What I want is what I can’t have. And that’s something you can’t fix.”

“But there are other things you can do besides be a surgeon.”

“And how do you think I should address the obvious in my curriculum vitae? Unemployed surgeon with amnesia looking for work?”

It wasn’t Randy’s fault. He knew that. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. But he was so empty right now. Empty, and afraid to face the future without all his memories of the past.

“Look, sit in on a therapy session this afternoon. Then come for your private session with me. I’ll have my assistant look for some training programs that might interest you and—”

“Training programs? Don’t you understand? I’m a surgeon.”

“No, you’re not. Not anymore. I’ve had to report you to the medical licensing board and—”

“You couldn’t have waited until we were a little farther along in this?”

“You’re not in this, Mateo. And that’s the problem. Your license as a surgeon will be provisionally suspended, pending review and recommendations if and when you recover. I had to do it or risk my own medical license.”

He’d worked so hard to get that. Spent years and more money than he’d had. Even if he couldn’t operate, at least he had the license that proved he’d achieved his lifelong goal. He’d been somebody. But now he didn’t even have that.

“I guess we all do what we have to do, don’t we?” he said.

“It’s nothing personal. And, for what it’s worth, you’ll probably still have your general license to practice, because at the end of all this there’s every likelihood you’ll be able to find a place in medicine, somewhere. But you’ve got to cooperate now.”

But if he cooperated that meant all this was real. And he wasn’t ready for that yet. Which was why he fought so hard against everything. Once he admitted it was real, he was done. Over. Nothing to hope for. Nothing left to hold on to. Not even that thin scrap of resistance.

Two days had gone by and she was already feeling better. She’d boxed up a few of her dad’s belongings, which she’d been putting off for too long. Read a book on the history of Kamehameha, which had been sitting dusty on her shelf for two years. Done a bit of surfing and swimming.

Even just two days had done her a world of good, and as she headed off to the little stretch of beach at the front of her house, a guava and passionfruit drink in her hand, she was looking forward to more relaxation, more time to figure out if she should stay here or go somewhere else and start over.

Her plan had always been to go back home to upstate New York, but little by little this tiny patch of land she owned on Oahu had drawn her in. Her house was all glass on the side with the ocean view. It was large, but not too large…comfortable. Her dad had planted flowers that still bloomed in the garden and would for years to come, and the thought of leaving those brought a lump to her throat because he’d loved them so much in the last good days of his memory.

Her job… Well, that was one of those things she needed to rethink. It was good, but she wasn’t sure it was where she belonged. She liked working there, loved working with Janis, but the whole fit seemed…off. Maybe because her dad was gone now. Maybe because she was alone. Or maybe those thoughts were simply her fatigue taking over. And, since she wasn’t one to make rash decisions, she was going to let the job situation ride. Work through to the end of her contract, then see how she was feeling.

Stretching out on a lounger, Lizzie sat her drink on a little table topped with a mosaic of beach shells that her dad had collected and let her gaze drift to the waves lapping her small beach. She owned a beach. An honest-to-goodness beach. Even the sound of it impressed her a little, when very little else did these days.

“It’s a nice view,” came a familiar voice from behind her.

“How did you know where to find me?” she asked, turning to see Mateo standing just a few feet away with a duffle bag slung casually over his shoulder.

“Went to The Shack. Asked. They knew you and pointed me in the right direction.”

“So, I’m assuming that since you’ve got your duffel you’re no longer a patient?”

“Randy Jenkins made the recommendation this morning that I be transferred and your friend Janis dropped the axe.” He shrugged. “So here I am.”

“Then you’re on your way to another facility?”

Mateo shook his head. “My transfer is back to California, where I was before I came here. It didn’t do me any good then, and nothing’s changed so it’s not going to do me any good now.”

This wasn’t good. Too many soldiers returned home with PTSD and other problems and ended up on the street. Suddenly, she feared that for Mateo.

“What are your plans?” she asked, not sure she wanted to hear them.

“Don’t have any. When they said they’d arrange a transfer in a couple of days I arranged my own.”

“Meaning you’re homeless? Or do you have a home somewhere?”

She didn’t want to get involved. Shouldn’t get involved. But he didn’t deserve this, and it wasn’t his fault that he’d lost the life he’d known.

“No home. Sold it when I went into the Army and used the proceeds to buy a house for my mother. It’s in Mexico, and I’m not a citizen there. To get my veterans’ medical benefits I have to live in the States. Meaning until I leave Hawaii I’m a beach bum. But before I take off to…let’s call it to ‘discover myself,’ I wanted to thank you for being so kind to me and trying to help. I appreciate your efforts, Dr. Elizabeth Peterson, even if they were wasted.”

“And what now? You walk off into the sunset? Because that’s not where you’re going to find yourself, Mateo.”

He shrugged. “Do you really think I’ll find myself if I’m admitted to an eight-bed ward and assigned to therapy to which I won’t go, until I’m deemed so uncooperative they put me away in a home, give me drugs, and let me spend the rest of my life shuffling through the halls wearing bedroom slippers and existing in some kind of a stupor?”

“It’s not that bad,” she argued, even though she knew that in some cases it could be.

But for Mateo…she didn’t know. He wanted something he wouldn’t get back and he was stuck in the whole denial process. For how long, she had no clue. She was a personal care physician, not a psychiatrist.

“Could you go stay with your mother for a while?”

“I could, but she still doesn’t know what happened to me and I’d rather keep it that way as long as I can.”

“Well, I admire the reason, but how long do you intend on keeping up the charade?”

“To be honest, I don’t know. Haven’t thought it through that far, yet.”

Everything inside Lizzie was screaming not to get involved, that Mateo wasn’t her problem. But she felt involvement creeping up, pulling her toward the edge.

She thought of that day her dad had wandered off, just a year ago. If only someone had found him in time… And while Mateo wasn’t at all in the same condition there could be just as many bad consequences for him as well. So, swallowing hard as she pushed aside all the reasons why she shouldn’t do it, she did it anyway.

“Look, there’s an ohana unit on the other side of the house. It’s small, but no one’s using it, and you’re welcome to stay there a couple of days until you get things sorted.”

“This is where me and my bad attitude would usually take offense or say something to make you angry or hurt your feelings, but I’m not going to do that. I didn’t come here looking for help, but I’m grateful you’re offering. So, yes, I’d appreciate staying in your ohana. Because I don’t want to be out there wandering alone, trying to find something I might not even recognize. I don’t like being this way, Lizzie. Don’t like being uncooperative…don’t like hearing half the things I’m saying. But if I do get to be too much for you to handle, kick me out. You deserve better than what I know I’m capable of doing.”

“I don’t suppose you can cook?” she asked.

He chuckled. “No clue. But if you’re willing to take a chance with an amnesiac surgeon in your kitchen…”

For the past two days there had been nothing incoming, meaning nothing outgoing either. No imposed time limit on life or death. One less death to record, one less chopped-up body to send back was always good.

Passing the time playing cards with his best buddy Freddy wasn’t necessarily what he wanted to be doing, but there wasn’t anything else. And it was always interesting to see the many ways Freddy cheated at cards. Some Mateo caught. Many he did not. He could see it—Freddy palming one card and trading it for another.

“Cheat,” he accused his friend. All in fun, though.

“Prove it,” Freddy always said. “Prove it, and when we get back I’ll buy you the best steak dinner you’ll ever eat.”

Problem was Mateo couldn’t prove it. Freddy was just as slick in his card-playing skills as he was at being a medic. The plan was that after they returned home Freddy would finish medical school and eventually end up as Mateo’s partner.

But tonight, there was no plan, and Freddy was pacing the hall the way he did when he got notice that someone was on their way in. In those tense minutes just before everything changed. Activity doubled. The less injured soldiers stepped aside for the more injured.

Sometimes they lined up in tribute, saluting as the medical team rushed through the door, pushing a gurney carrying the latest casualty.

“Stop it!” Mateo shouted at his friend. “Don’t do that! Because if you do they’ll come. Stop it. Do you hear me? Stop it!”

But Freddy kept on pacing, waiting…

No, not tonight. Mateo wanted to make it three nights in a row without a casualty.

“One more night. Just one more night…”

Outside in the back garden, on her way to take fresh towels and linens to the ohana, Lizzie stood quietly at his door, listening. He’d excused himself to take a nap while she’d stayed on the beach to read. Now this.

It hadn’t happened in the rehab center, but something here was triggering it. Perhaps getting close to someone again? Close to her?

She thought about going in and waking him up. Then decided against it. If he was working out his demons in his sleep, he needed to. Besides, he was here as a friend, not a patient, and she had to take off her doctor persona or this would never work.

But it worried her. Because she knew the end of the story. Mateo’s best friend had been killed in the raid that had injured him. Mateo had been pulled from the carnage and taken to the hospital, resisting help because he’d wanted to go back to save his friend. Except his best friend couldn’t be saved.

While she wasn’t a neurologist, she wondered if some deep, buried grief over that was contributing to his condition. Certainly the head injury was. But not being able to save his friend…? She understood that profoundly. Because in the end she hadn’t been able to save her father. It was a guilt that consumed her every day.

“Sleep well?” she asked, watching Mateo come through the door. Cargo shorts, T-shirt, mussed hair. She liked dark hair. Actually, she had never really thought about what she liked in terms of the physical aspects of a man, but she knew she liked the physical aspects of Mateo. Strong, muscled…

“Bed’s comfortable, but I don’t feel rested. Guess I’ve got more sleep to catch up on than I thought.”

Sleep without nightmares, she thought.

“Well, the folks at Makalapua weren’t happy to find out where you are. Apparently, you got out of their transportation at the end of the circular drive, when the driver stopped to enter the main road, and then disappeared.”

“Transportation? Is that what they call it?”

“Makalapua owns a limo for transporting patients and families when necessary.”

“And it also owns an ambulance, Lizzie. That was my transportation. Ordered by my doctor. They came in with a gurney, strapped me down to it, and shoved me in the back of the ambulance. I was leaving as a patient. Not a guest. And I’m tired of being a patient.”

Lizzie sat down on the rattan armchair in her living room and gripped the armrests. “An ambulance? I don’t believe—”

“I may have amnesia,” he interrupted, “but I still remember what a gurney and an ambulance are. Oh, and in case you didn’t hear, I was to be escorted straight onto a military medical plane and met at the airport in California—probably with a gurney and an ambulance there, too.”

“Did you get violent? Is that why they did it?”

“Mad as hell, but not violent.” He sat down on the two-cushion sofa across from her but kept to the edge of it. “I’m guessing a couple of them are mad as hell right now.”

“They only want to help you, Mateo.”

They only want to help you.

We only want to help you.

I only want to help you.

Words she’d said over and over for years. Before, they’d sounded perfectly fine. Now, they sounded deceitful.

“Well, restraining me rather than giving me a sedative was preferable, but they were sending me to the place I specifically asked not to be sent.”

“You’re still Army, Mateo. On inactive duty. That means your commanders make the call and—”

“It’s out of my hands.” He shook his head in frustration. “I’m theirs until they cut me loose.”

“Something like that. And you knew that’s how it would be when you went in. When the military and veterans’ hospitals didn’t work for you, you were given a chance to recover outside the normal system. So, from what I’m seeing, they really were trying to help.”

And now he was in no system but, instead in her ohana.

“Look, let me see if I can work something out with Janis. Maybe we can get you transferred somewhere else. Maybe another private hospital.”

“Or maybe I should just go grab my things and wander on down the beach. The weather’s nice. A lot of people move from their homes to the beaches during the hottest weather. Maybe someone will take pity on me and give me a meal every now and then.”

“You’re not going to live on the beach, Mateo. And I’m not sending you off on some journey to search for something you might not even remember when you find it.”

Visions of her dad getting out and wandering around alone were the essence of her nightmares. And she’d even had a live-in caregiver who hadn’t always been able to keep track of him.

“So for now you stay here, and we’ll see what we can figure out.”

“But the military…they know where I am?” he asked.

“Of course they do. I called them because you’re not free of your obligation and they had to know. Like I’ve told you before, I play by the rules. But they’re not going to come and take you away from here, Mateo. At least not yet. All they wanted was to know where you were and what you were doing. I told them you were going into outpatient care in a few days.”

“That’s what you think I’m going to do?”

“That’s what I know you’re going to do if you want to stay here. Janis approved it and, for the record, it’s your last chance. After this the Army takes you back, and they’ll be the only ones with a say in what happens.”

Finally, he relaxed back into the sofa. “These last weeks it’s like someone’s always doing something to me, and most of the time not even consulting me before they do it. You’re the first one who’s ever told me beforehand what would happen, and I appreciate that.”

“So…you mentioned your mother doesn’t know about your current condition? Why is that? Is there some way she could take over medical responsibility for you until you’re through this?”

He shook his head adamantly. “She has advanced diabetes. Arthritis. Partially blind. The less she knows, the better off she is. Like I said before, I do call her every day, and as soon as I’m free to travel I’ll go to see her. But I don’t want the stress of knowing what I’m going through anywhere near her. She deserves a better life than she’s ever had before and I’m not going to deprive her of that.”

“Which makes you a very good son.”

She recalled how, in her dad’s decline, she’d tried to keep so many things away from him—things that would cause him stress. So she certainly understood what Mateo was doing, and even admired him for that. It wasn’t easy. She knew that.

“I remember when my mother became a citizen in the US. She’d studied for weeks, worked hard to learn the history, the language, and I think the day she was sworn in was one of the proudest days of her life. Making a new life isn’t easy, and she did it for me.”

“And you?”

“I was too young to realize all the sacrifices she was making to give me a better life. I don’t think I appreciated it the way I should. And my mother… I don’t want her worrying about me. It’s the least I can do. And she’s happy back in Mexico, living near her sister, proud of her son the…the doctor.” He nearly choked on the words.

She thought about the life her dad had made for her. That had never been easy either, but it had always been good. And he’d put aside many opportunities because he’d chosen to be a father first.

“Anyway, what’s next, Mateo? What do you want to happen or expect to happen?”

He chuckled, but bitterly. “Look, Lizzie. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m sure that’s obvious. But I’m not going to impose, and I’m not going to expect you to be my doctor while I’m here.”

“Like I could be your doctor,” she said. “That would require ethical considerations I don’t want to think about. Doctor brings patient home for special treatment? Nope, not me. I can be your friend, even a medical colleague, but not your doctor. So, my friend, I want to take a walk down to The Shack and ask them why they thought it was appropriate to tell someone where I live.”

“Then what?” he asked.

“Then guilt them into free shrimp burgers. They’re so good. But no beer. And no dancing on the table.”

“In my defense, it was only a couple feet off the ground.”

“You have no defense, Mateo. Absolutely none. And if I catch you up on a table, and I don’t care how high it is…” She pointed to the chaise on the lanai. “That’s as far as you’ll go. I might toss you a pillow and a plate of food every now and then, but if you dance on a table I’m done.”

Mateo laughed. “You know, from the first moment I saw you walk by my hospital room I knew you were a real softie. Your threats don’t scare me, Lizzie. You haven’t got it in you to make me sleep out there.”

Unfortunately, that was true. Something about Mateo caused her usual resolve to simply melt away.

It wasn’t like him to think only in the moment. At least, he didn’t think it was like him. He’d looked at his calendar and seen that he’d made notes about plans well into the future. Some things still months away. That was certainly a personality trait he didn’t remember—especially now, when he was basically on the edge of living rough and not particularly worried about it.

Was that because he knew he could count on Lizzie as his backup?

Mateo looked at his half-eaten shrimp burger and wondered if he even liked shrimp. Had he been allergic his throat would have swollen shut by now. He might even be dead. But he wasn’t, and his throat was fine.

Subconsciously, he raised his hand to his throat and rubbed it.

“You OK?” Lizzie asked him.

She was sitting across from him at a high-top for two, looking like an Irish lassie who simply fitted in here. Red hair wild. Brown eyes sparkling with gold flecks that were highlighted by the glow of the citronella candle on their table. The brightest, widest smile he’d ever seen.

“Just wondering if I have allergies.”

“According to your military records, you don’t.”

“You really know more about me than I know about myself, don’t you?” he asked. Realizing she had access to his life while he didn’t felt strange.

“You do understand why I don’t just tell you everything I know, don’t you?”

“So you won’t fill my impressionable mind with fake notions of who I am. I know it would be easy…false memories and all that. But sitting here with a stranger who knows me inside and out, while only a couple of hours ago I was homeless without a plan is…disconcerting.”

Lizzie reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “I’ll bet it is. But if you ever settle down you’ll work through some of it. Maybe even more than you expect.”

He studied her hand for a moment—porcelain-smooth skin, a little on the pale side compared to most of the people at The Shack. Nice hand. Gentle.

“Now that you’re not restricted by any kind of medical ethics with me, tell me how much I can expect to return. Or how much will never return. Can you do that much for me?”

She pulled her hand back. “There’s no formula for that, Mateo. No way to predict. I’d like to be able to give you a definitive answer, but the brain can’t be predicted. You may be where you’re always going to be now, or you may improve. Losing pieces of yourself—or, as I call it, living in a fog—has got to be difficult. I see it, and I understand it, but I can’t relate to it.”

He smiled. “Wish I couldn’t relate to it either. Look, I appreciate you taking me in for a couple of days. I really do need some time to figure out what comes next. But you’re not responsible for me, Lizzie. Just be patient for a little while, and on my end of it I promise no more dancing on the table or anything else. I’ll be cooperative. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

He meant it, too. It was time to figure out his life, and it was nice having a friend on his side to help him. A friend who was patient and caring the way Lizzie was.

“Why didn’t you do that at the hospital?”

“Four walls, a bed, and a window to the world. That’s all it was, and it scared me, Lizzie. Still does when I think that’s all my life might be about.”

“So you refuse traditional help, do everything you can to distance yourself from it, in order to—what? I want to know, Mateo. If I hadn’t lived within walking distance of the hospital, or if a couple of the people who work here hadn’t known where I live, what would you have done? Because so far all you’ve done is walk away. From Germany, from the veterans’ facility in Boston, then in California, and from the hospital here. From—”

She shut up and took a bite of her burger.

“From everything, Mateo,” she said, once she’d swallowed. “And it all adds up to you walking away from yourself.”

“You were going to say fiancée, weren’t you?”

“You remember her?”

“Vaguely. Must have been a short relationship, because she didn’t leave much behind in my head. Except, maybe… She didn’t want to live with someone in my condition, did she?”

“Actually, I don’t know the whole story. It was in your chart, but since you weren’t my patient I didn’t read it. The only things I know about you are what I heard at the weekly patient review meetings.”

“That’s right. By the book, Lizzie.”

“You think that’s a problem?”

“I think in today’s medical world it’s an asset. There are too many people getting involved in aspects of a patient’s care who shouldn’t.”

Suddenly he could feel the tiredness coming on. And the headache. Dull to blinding in sixty seconds. So, rather than pursuing this conversation, he stood abruptly, tossed a few dollars on the table—enough to cover both meals and a tip—then walked away. He wanted to get out of there before the full force of the headache made him queasy, caused him to stagger.

Once away from The Shack, Mateo headed toward the beach, then sat down on the sand, shut his eyes, and tried to clear his head.

Right now, he didn’t care about what Lizzie was holding back. All he cared about was the pain level rising in him and how to control it.

And that didn’t come easy these days. Not easy at all.

She wasn’t going to interrupt him, sitting alone out there on the sand. Mateo was entitled to his moods and his mood swings and it wasn’t her place to hover over him. If he needed her help, he’d ask. Or not.

It was almost an hour later when he returned to the house. When she looked in Mateo’s eyes she saw how lost he was, but she also saw the depth of the man. He was in there—just locked away.

“Look, I’m going out for a night swim, then I’m going to sit on the lanai for a while to relax. You’re welcome to come, or you’re welcome to stay here and read a book, watch a movie—whatever you want to do.”

“You don’t have to feel responsible for me, Lizzie. I can take care of myself.”

“I was just being polite. You look tired, and I thought a swim might make you feel better.”

He looked more than tired. He looked weary. Beaten down. He looked like a man who was fighting with everything he had to get back on the right path. It worried her, even though she had no right to be worried. Still, she couldn’t help herself. There was something about Mateo that simply pulled at her.

“And I was just being honest. I don’t want you disrupting your life for me.”

She smiled. “To be honest, I hadn’t intended on doing that. I just thought it would be a nice way to end the evening.”

With that she went upstairs, changed into her swimsuit—a modest one-piece, black, no frills, nothing revealing—and went straight to the beach alone, leaving Mateo watching some blathering documentary on her TV.

Too bad, she thought as she dipped her toe in the surf. He might have enjoyed this. And she might have enjoyed doing this with him.

She was stunning, even though she was trying to hide it in that swimsuit. But her kind of beauty couldn’t be hidden. Not the outside beauty, and not the inside beauty.

This was a huge imposition, him living in her home. He knew that. But so much of him wanted to get to know her and, while ending up here really hadn’t been his intention, when good fortune had smiled on him he hadn’t had it in him to turn his back on it.

He moved along the beach from where Lizzie had entered the water. He wanted to join her, but he didn’t want to impose. Yet he’d wandered down here, not sure what he was hoping for. Another invitation? Perhaps nothing?

In all honesty he had no right to think anything or want anything, in his condition. But watching Lizzie… It gave him hope he hadn’t felt before. Maybe something in him would change. Or something would reset and at least allow him to look forward.

Unfortunately, Lizzie coming into his life now was too soon. He could see himself with her, but not yet.

Sighing, Mateo shut his eyes. All he could see was Lizzie. Her face. The way she looked at him. Sadness. Compassion. She had the power to change a man. The power to change him. And maybe that was good. He didn’t know, but it felt right. Felt like he was ready.

She’d been on his mind constantly, and he’d thought of little else other than Lizzie from that first moment in the hospital, when she’d walked into his room, sat down in the chair opposite him and hadn’t said a word. Not one single word. She had smiled as she’d watched him, but she hadn’t talked, and it had got to the point that it had been so distracting, even annoying, that he’d been the one to break the silence.

“Why are you doing that?” he’d asked her.

“Sometimes you learn more from observing than talking,” she’d told him.

“And what did you learn from observing me?” he’d asked.

“That you’re not going to be easy for your doctors.”

Mateo chuckled. Prophetic words. He hadn’t been. Still wasn’t. And she’d known that simply by observing him.

“There’s a shorter way back to the house,” Lizzie said, sitting down beside him on the rock where he’d been sitting for the past half hour.

“I didn’t hear you coming.” He scooted over to give her room.

“But I saw you sitting here. I used to sit here back when my dad was getting bad. I was looking for answers, and even though there were none I always went away with a sense of calm. Back then, calm was good.”

“This whole area is nice. Not sure I found any calm here, but the view is amazing.” He slid his hand across the rock until it was just skimming hers. “The only places I’ve ever lived were congested…loud.”

“Sounds like a tough way to live life,” Lizzie commented.

“There are a lot of tough ways to live life, Lizzie. Some we choose, some we don’t.” He stood. “Anyway, it’s been a long, unexpected day, and I’m ready to see if I can get some more sleep. So…” He looked at her, then shrugged. “Care to have me walk you home?”

Lizzie smiled, then stood and took his arm. “I always did love a gallant man. Just never knew they existed outside of fairy-tale books.”

“Well, consider me a poor and humble prince who’s at your beck and call.” He gave her a low-sweeping bow then extended his arm to her.

“Poor?” she asked, as they made their way along the path. “I saw your financials when you were admitted. You’re not wealthy, but you’re certainly not poor.”

“Then maybe poor of spirit?”

Lizzie laughed. “Somehow I doubt that. I think you’re a man with an abundance of spirit. It’s just that your spirit is in hiding right now.”

Mateo was testing her like he’d done in the hospital with everyone else he’d encountered. It was the same, but different, because now he was living in the real world, which called for real coping skills instead of avoidance.

He’d get the hang of it. She was sure of that. But what he wouldn’t get the hang of was using her as his enabler. Once she’d enabled her dad too much for too long. In doing that she’d denied the obvious—that the next corner he turned would be worse than the one before. And the one after that worse again.

Well, not with Mateo. He was testing new legs, so to speak. Taking new steps. Learning new things to fill in the gaps. As much as she wanted to make it her battle, it wasn’t. For Mateo to get better, find his new direction, he had to take those steps by himself, fight his way through to something that fit.

She could be on the sidelines, watching, maybe holding out a supporting hand. But it was his destiny to control. She had to keep telling herself that. His destiny, not hers.

But it wasn’t easy walking into her house by herself, going up the steps to bed alone. No, none of it was easy. In the morning, though, depending on what Mateo did or didn’t do tonight, she’d decide what she would do. Or would not do.