Читать книгу Dr Velascos' Unexpected Baby - Dianne Drake, Dianne Drake - Страница 6

CHAPTER TWO

SHE’D eaten a little dinner, not so much because she’d wanted it but because she’d needed it. Something about holding little Ana Maria in her arms that afternoon had filled her with a longing that scared her. That, added to the dread of what she was here to do, made her meal a necessity, but not an enjoyable one. And now, hours later, she was tired of tossing and turning, and she simply couldn’t sleep. There were too many unwanted thoughts galloping through her mind, keeping her awake.

This was so hard, knowing that she was about to face the worst thing she’d ever faced in her life. Until now, she’d been able to blot out her sister’s death, pretend this trip to Peru was merely a holiday where she could take a stroll through the countryside, mingle with the people, eat the cuisine, see the sights. But it wasn’t that at all, and the nearness of what she needed to face in order to heal herself was pounding at her.

She wanted to do this, but could she? Could she open Rosie’s clinic and make her sister’s dream a reality? Being someone who always took the sure, steady path, the way she did, this seemed almost crazy. Rosie had been the one who had taken the risks, who had looked at life as an exciting mountain to climb. Bella, though, had been the one who had stuck to the flat paths, who hadn’t veered off.

But she was veering in a big way now, wasn’t she? It was terrifying but it seemed right, fulfilling Rosie’s promise this way. If that’s what she decided to do.

Bella was worried about Ana Maria, too. And about Gabriel, who probably didn’t need someone like her worrying about him. Yet she worried anyway, wondering why she’d latched on to the two of them almost immediately. Possibly her need for something that made some sense in her life? Something that made sense in the middle of something so confusing? Treating a sick child made so much sense to her. But Bella didn’t dismiss the possibility that fixing on Gabriel and his daughter was a distraction because she knew herself, knew how she’d wanted to avoid the obvious. Once she stepped into her sister’s dream, took it on as her own, her sister would be gone forever and she couldn’t face that, wasn’t ready to face that.

Whatever the case, there were too many reminders around her of how fragile life could be. She understood that now, more than she had any other time in her life. She was pretty sure Gabriel did, too, and he coped by being distant. She coped by…well, that was the problem. She wasn’t sure how she coped because she hadn’t allowed herself that yet.

Oh, she was strong enough. It had become a requirement with the way she and Rosie had grown up orphans from an early age, being tossed into so many situations where they had been tolerated but not loved the way children deserved. She’d been strong in medical school, too, and in her medical practice. It was easy, being strong, but lately she’d wondered if that strength had been a sham. Because deep down, when it had counted, she hadn’t found any of that strength she’d thought would be there. “You’re a fake, Arabella Burke,” she said, looking at herself in the mirror as she paced by it for the twentieth time in the past few minutes. “A great big fake who didn’t even know she was faking. Which makes you pretty pathetic, doesn’t it?”

She didn’t stay at the mirror long enough for the image in it to reply. The truth was, she didn’t need conciliatory words, or more of the lie she’d been telling herself all this time. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the strongest of them all? Why, it’s Bella! Bella, the queen of self-deception.

Rather than taking on a heated debate with herself, Bella pulled on her pink chenille, floor-length bath robe, stepped into her pink bedroom slippers, and headed to the hall, determined to pace up and down until she was exhausted. A nice brisk walk, in a place without the mirror image waiting to taunt her, was good, she decided as she set off, her footsteps silent on the thick, padded carpet.

Five minutes of power-walking from one end of the hall to another didn’t have the desired effect, though, because Bella felt none the worse for her near-marathon pace. But as she was about to set out on her second round by tackling the stairs, the elevator doors at the other end of the hall whooshed open and a young man in neatly pressed gray slacks and a maroon jacket scuttled out, heading straight to the first room on the left. She watched with mild interest, not because it was interesting as much as any diversion was good. It did seem awfully late to have room service delivered, though. Probably some other poor soul who couldn’t sleep, asking for a glass of warm milk.

Warm milk! Why hadn’t she thought of that? Perhaps its soothing effect would help her. Besides, it seemed much more appealing than running up and down the hotel stairs in her pink nightwear, trying to wear herself out. “Excuse me,” she said to the room attendant, trying not to be too loud about it.

He acknowledged her with a nod as the hotel door at which he stood cracked open and he handed in a covered tray. That’s when she heard it…the sound of a crying baby in the room. Naturally, her attention fixed on that as the attendant backed away from the door and the man inside thanked him.

Gabriel Velascos! She recognized his voice but she wasn’t fast enough to get to the door before he shut it. A couple of loud raps remedied that, and a second later he opened the door to her, immediately blinking his obvious surprise. “Do you have built-in radar?” he asked, his voice more weary than stiff. His eyebrows did raise as he took in her pink nightwear.

“Maybe I do.” He was dressed in jeans, and an unbuttoned white cotton shirt that proved a startlingly sexy contrast to his dark skin. Bare feet, mussed hair, the total image of him caused Bella to step back when he opened the door all the way. She shouldn’t be harboring these kinds of thoughts for him. He had been widowed only three days, for heaven’s sake! A man in mourning. He probably hadn’t even had time to bury his wife yet.

Hormonal reaction, she decided. Biological clock ticking hard and fast. A particularly pointless ticking for a woman who was on a road with an uncertain ending to it. Or maybe she was finally tired. “I heard Ana Maria…”

“She’s been crying for the past hour, and I can’t get her to sleep. I had room service bring me sugar water because I thought she might be hungry, and if that doesn’t work…” He shrugged.

Bella went straight to the crib where Ana Maria was having a royal fit, and picked her up. “Is it your tummy again?” she practically cooed, running her fingers lightly over Ana Maria’s belly to check for any distention. None found. Then she felt her cheeks and forehead for a fever and, again, none discovered. “So far, so good,” she said softly, raising the baby to her shoulder, then giving her a light pat on the back. Ana Maria rewarded the effort with a healthy little burp.

“That’s it?” Gabriel sputtered. “That’s all it was?”

“Just a gas bubble. Babies need a little help getting them out, you know.”

“I know that,” he snapped, then immediately shook his head impatiently. “Sorry. I’ve been going crazy worrying about her, and all she needed was a burp. That makes me look pretty stupid, doesn’t it?”

Bella laughed. “Not stupid, just inexperienced. And don’t take it personally. I think you’re a little overwhelmed right now.” She really wanted to ask more about his situation, about his wife’s death, but it wasn’t her place. And she knew from experience that so many questions hurt. People had asked about Rosie, trying to be kind, of course, but the pain had been unbearable. Still was.

“A little overwhelmed is right. And I’m sorry I’m always snapping at you. It’s just that every time you’ve caught me so far I’ve been at my worst.”

Something with which she commiserated as she hadn’t exactly been at her best lately either. “Believe me, I gave up making assumptions and judgments a long time ago. You’re having a bad time right now and I understand completely.” She glanced sideways at Ana Maria, who’d gone right to sleep with her head on Bella’s shoulder. “I think she’s OK,” she whispered.

Gabriel stepped forward to take Ana Maria, but Bella shook her head. “I know you told me you didn’t need my help, but I think you do. So why don’t you go sleep for a few hours, get yourself rested to face all the things you’re going to have to take care of tomorrow, and I’ll take care of Ana Maria, since I’m wrestling with a bout of insomnia anyway? This will keep me from walking the hall all night.”

He studied her for a moment, taking in her pink slippers and moving upward. When he reached her face, a warm smiled flickered across his lips, and for the briefest moment his eyes were so gentle, so…so deep. Then the worry came back, and along with it the scowl he seemed to wear all the time. “I appreciate this, Arabella. It’s been rough, and unexpected. From the time I got word that Lynda had died…” He broke off, swallowed hard. “You’re right. I do need to sleep. So maybe if I can grab a couple of hours my disposition will improve.”

“Your disposition is fine.”

“My disposition is lousy, and you’re too kind to mention it.” He smiled wearily. “But thank you for trying to make me feel better. So, are you sure you don’t mind doing this?”

“I don’t mind,” she said, lowering Ana Maria into her crib. This was what she did after all. She took care of children. That’s how she defined herself, the way she felt safe.

“Then I promise I’ll be nicer when I wake up.” He made a cross-my-heart gesture. “And better with Ana Maria, too.”

Bella smiled at Gabriel, but didn’t say a word as she settled herself into the chair next to the crib. But she did watch him wander into the bedroom of the suite. He’d be a good father given some time and confidence, she thought. Once he got used to it.

Sleep came fast, and hard. He didn’t dream, although he’d thought he would. Didn’t have thoughts of his sister to keep him awake. Once he’d slumped into bed, that was it. He was out cold. But not for long. It had been only three hours, and he was awake again. Now he was being bombarded by the thoughts he’d wanted to avoid, the feelings he’d wanted to dismiss.

He was angry, damned angry. Lynda shouldn’t have died. She had been young, strong, healthy. Sure, women died in childbirth. But why his sister?

He could have been there, should have been there. Maybe he could have done something, seen something. Gotten his sister to a hospital somewhere.

Pacing over to the window, Gabriel pulled back the heavy curtains and looked outside. The city was dark now. And it seemed so…small. When he had been a boy, Iquitos had been the world. It had had everything. And on those few trips when his parents had brought him here, he’d been exposed to amazing culture and things he hadn’t even known existed in this world. But now the city seemed tiny, compared to Chicago. That was home now, and held everything he wanted. Large medical practice, nice condo on the lake, great lifestyle. He couldn’t even imagine living in a village like Lado De la Montaña again, let alone a city such as this. When he had been young, that life had been all he’d known. It was all in his past though, and he couldn’t go back. Didn’t want to go back. Which meant Ana Maria would be returning to Chicago with him since his mother wasn’t physically able to raise a baby and there was no one else. Not even the child’s father, Hector.

“Hector doesn’t want the child,” his mother had told him. “Nor does his other wife, Estella. They have three daughters already and Hector wanted Lynda to give them a son. That’s why he married her, to give him the son Estella could not. But since Lynda did not, Hector has refused to take this child in and Estella wants no part of raising another woman’s daughter.”

It didn’t make sense to him. How could a man simply give away his child that way? But that’s what had happened. Hector had taken Ana Maria straightway to the village priest, signed the papers giving up custody, and walked away. Probably to find another wife who would might give him that son.

Gabriel had never liked his sister’s marriage arrangement. But in the villages it wasn’t uncommon for the men to have two wives at once. Lynda had been Hector Ramirez’s second wife, one who’d come into the marriage a good ten years after Hector’s first marriage. Oh, he’d tried arguing his sister out of it, but she’d told him that he lived in a different culture now, and his ways were not hers. Hector was a good man, Lynda had contended. He’d make her a good husband.

Yeah, well, what kind of good man abandoned his child after the death of the baby’s mother?

Gabriel continued staring at the empty street below for another few minutes, trying not to think. But there was a little girl just outside his door he couldn’t take his mind off. And a woman tending to her who’d captured a fair share of his thoughts, too. Arabella seemed to be clinging to Ana Maria as if she was a lifeline, what was her story anyway? He thought about asking her, then thought better of it. How could a man who didn’t know enough to burp a baby take on another person’s problems? The answer was simple—he couldn’t.

But he did wonder about Arabella. And worried a little because, come morning, when he and Ana Maria returned to the village, what would she do?

Curiosity got the better of him and, after fifteen minutes of restlessness, Gabriel crept to the bedroom door and peeked out to the sitting area. The room was so quiet he didn’t want to disturb either of them. As he started to pull his door to, he heard Arabella whisper, “She’s just fine. Sleeping like she should.”

Opening the door again, he stepped out, but barely moved past the frame. “Are you OK?” he whispered. “Can I get you anything?” It was an awkward moment between them, the two of them in the near-dark. But what was even more awkward than the moment was the feeling coming over him. It was like…like this was the way it was supposed to be, with Arabella and him watching over the baby. And it was very nice. Disquieting, but pleasant.

Or maybe it was merely an aversion to responsibility, and Arabella presented the easiest solution for the moment. No need to romanticize that, was there? She was good at a task he didn’t accept as his own yet. That’s what it was. He was simply stalling the inevitable.

Rather than whispering across the room and risk disturbing Ana Maria, Bella came over to Gabriel’s door. “I think maybe I should be asking you how you are. With everything you’ve been through, someone needs to be taking care of you.”

“Are you always so…generous? I’ve taken up your entire day, and now your night, and here you are asking me how I am.” She was a woman used to giving, but one, he suspected, who never took. He wondered if she even knew how.

“Trust me, I didn’t have much of a day or night planned for myself that having you take it up interrupted anything I wanted to do.”

“Why are you here, Arabella?” he asked, even to his own ears sounding much more seductive than he’d intended.

“In your room, or in Peru?”

Ah, she was good at the art of avoidance, too. He was more curious now than he had been but he’d respect her privacy, if that’s what she preferred. Grant her the same space she did him. “Look, just so it won’t seem like I’m prying, I checked your credentials earlier.”

She arched her eyebrows, but didn’t say a word.

“I found out you’re a very good doctor, in a highly regarded medical practice in California.”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all I needed. Because of Ana Maria.”

“You can’t be too careful these days, can you?” She smiled, and it was such a soft smile it gave him goose bumps. “And just so you’ll know the rest of the story, I’ve resigned from my practice, which leaves me time to explore different possibilities for my career.”

“What kind of possibilities?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I suppose I’ll know it when I see it.”

More avoidance. He was more curious now than just a moment ago. Apparently there were secrets behind all that sadness in her eyes. So, on that rather obvious cue it was time to shift the conversation. Or let it drop—which he didn’t want to do yet. The truth was, he liked talking to Arabella, even if it was more of a one-sided conversation, with him doing most of the conversing. “Do you like Peru?” He asked for a lack of something better to say.

“I hope so.”

Odd, again. “This is your first time here?”

Glancing down at the floor, Arabella nodded yet said nothing, leaving Gabriel to wonder even more what it was about Arabella that drew him in. She was so vulnerable, like she needed someone to protect her. Yet she was strong, maybe even a little defiant. So, did she have someone in her life to protect her, someone who saw her needs even more keenly than he believed he was seeing? Did she have someone back in her own room who wondered why she was spending the night in another man’s room, or perhaps someone who understood why she was compelled to do it? Because he understood. Even without knowing much about her, what he’d come to understand was that she was totally giving, a woman who couldn’t look the other way when she saw need.

Truthfully, he did feel guilty, like he was taking advantage of that. Sure, he’d turned down her offer at the clinic, but when he’d found her at his hotel door there was nothing in him that could have or would have turned her down a second time. He wanted to think it was because he was intrigued by the lady. But his own motives here were suspect, even to him. Or maybe overwhelmed was a better way to describe it. “It’s OK that you’re here, isn’t it?” he asked, sounding like a selfish dolt, as this was the question he should have asked right off. Except he’d been totally preoccupied by his own problems at that moment and hadn’t even thought about Arabella other than what she could do to help him. But now he wanted to know. “No one’s going to be angry that you’re here in my room and not somewhere else…with someone else.”

She laughed. “No, I don’t have anybody back in my room waiting for me, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Did it come out that awkwardly? Because I was trying to be subtle.”

“Yes, I’m afraid it did. As awkward as anything I’ve heard in a while.”

Gabriel chuckled, then immediately cut if off for fear he would wake Ana Maria. “So, then, how does one go about asking personal questions without being too personal about it? Because I do want to respect your privacy, but I’d also like to satisfy my own curiosity.”

“Ask, and I’ll answer. Or not.”

“OK, are you married?”

“No. Not married, not seriously involved. No children. No future plans in any of those directions. And no more questions on that aspect of my life. So, next question?”

In the dark shadows he could barely make out the brief smile on her lips. Stunning. Lips he would have kissed under different circumstances…a thought that caused him to take a step back. “Would you rather have the bed?” he asked, awkwardly again, then clarified it. “Alone.”

“Under the circumstances, I think you need it more than I do. I’m fine in the chair.” She took a step backward, too. “And I think we should be quiet now. I don’t want Ana Maria to wake up.” She took another step, and turned around. But before she returned to the chair by the crib she turned back to Gabriel, studied him for a moment, then smiled. “Thank you for letting me do this. It makes things better for a little while.”

Better? He wanted to ask what was better, but he didn’t. With all the mixed-up feelings rushing through him just now, he was safer not knowing.

“Damn,” he muttered, as he dropped back down into bed. There were too many complications, and he hated complications. All he wanted was to go back a few days in time, to when Lynda had been alive and happy about her pregnancy, when his life had been just the way he’d planned it. When he hadn’t even known Dr. Arabella Burke existed.

Well, maybe that’s the one thing he would have changed in all this confusion—meeting Arabella. He was glad he had because she was interesting. Outside her obvious physical attributes, and she’d been blessed with more than her fair share, she was smart, compassionate, dedicated. But her sad eyes bothered him, much more than they should have. Much more than he wanted to allow, but he really didn’t have any control over that. Even as he drifted off to sleep again, that’s the image that stayed with him—those sad, sad eyes.

“She’s doing well this morning?” Gabriel asked. He wandered over to the crib and looked down, only to find Ana Maria looking up at him. It was hard looking at her, remembering all his sister’s plans. She’d been so excited when she’d called him with the news of her pregnancy, and every time they’d talked after that she’d been so full of expectation, talking about having more babies, saying how good she felt even though her belly was big and her ankles were swollen. So he still had a difficult time looking at the baby because there was always such an overflow of bitter-sweet memories. “No more upset stomach?” he asked, trying to sound clinical about it.

“She had a very good night. Slept like she should have. I think she’d probably like something a little more substantial than the sugar water in her stomach this morning.”

“Well, I’m on my way down to the front desk to pick up the formula. Señora Hernandez, from the clinic, rang me up a few minutes ago, and she’s waiting downstairs. So, do you mind staying here a little longer?” The truth was, the logistics of handling a baby and doing everything else that needed to be done befuddled him. He’d told the nurse he’d be right down before he’d even considered that he would have to deal with Ana Maria somewhere in that arrangement, too. And carting a baby around while he tried moving several cases of formula wasn’t practical. But he wasn’t disposed to planning ahead the way he needed to now. Wasn’t even in the frame of mind to think of it yet.

It ever there was someone who wasn’t cut out to raise a child…

“We’ll be just fine here,” Bella said. “Take all the time you need. And I think I’ll give Ana Maria a bath. Do you have any clean clothes for her?”

Clean clothes? He’d picked up diapers yesterday, but of all the stupid things he hadn’t thought about clothes! “I, um… No clothes.”

Bella laughed. “We’ll make something work. Don’t worry about it.”

But he had to worry. That was the problem. There were so many things to worry about now, even if he didn’t know what they were. “This won’t take long, then I’ll go out and buy some clothes. Um…would you mind making me a list of other things you think she’ll need?”

“Sure, I’ll have it ready when you bring the formula back to the room. And don’t worry about how long it takes. I don’t exactly have a set schedule here, so my time is whatever I want to make of it, and right now this is what I want to make of it.”

“In case I didn’t mention this before, you’re too good,” he said, hurrying out the door. Waiting at the elevator, he tried concentrating on his mental task list, but Arabella kept distracting him. He didn’t really date much, and he didn’t date for long because he hated getting out of commitments, and anything more than two or three dates turned into a commitment. But he was doing well in his practice, loving the lifestyle and not in a particular hurry to change it. Still, with Arabella he saw permanence and commitment, which should have scared him to death. Yet it didn’t, and all he could do was think that when his life settled down again, he might look her up. The distance from Chicago to San Francisco wasn’t that far, after all.

More evidence of crazy, mixed-up emotions, he decided. His life was suddenly out of control and, subconsciously, Arabella presented a good solution. Jumping too far ahead of himself the way he was didn’t mean anything more than a little panic attack. In a life that now had to be lived from moment to moment until he could figure out the best way to manage all parts of it, there were no future plans other than getting through the day. Especially future plans that included permanence and commitment.

But honey-colored hair and green eyes certainly attracted him like he hadn’t been attracted in a while…like he’d never been attracted before, actually, and that had nothing to do with plans or futures or babies or anything else. And for the life of him it didn’t seem all that crazy and mixed up, which proved just how crazy and mixed up it really was.

So, who was this stranger who’d stepped into his life and become so important in what had taken no longer than the blink of an eye? Apart from what he’d been told about her medical qualifications, who was Arabella Burke?

“Dr. Velascos,” Nurse Hernandez said, extending her thin hand to him. “I’m assuming you know what this is about, that Melaina Juarez suggested our meeting?” She also extended a thin, nervous smile. Señora Hernandez was older, probably close to his mother’s age, with black and gray-streaked hair pulled back into a tight knot, and she wore a starchy white uniform like he rarely saw on nurses these days.

Gabriel took her hand and noted her firm shake. Judging by her grip, she was a woman who meant business. Judging from the tight expression on her face, she was well ready to get on with it. “I was aware that they were helping with the arrangements, yes. And thank you for coming, Señora Hernandez. Although you didn’t have to bother. I’d have been happy coming to you.”

She cocked her head slightly to the left, frowning. “That’s not necessary, Doctor. Considering the circumstances of the arrangements we usually make, it’s our aim to make this transition as easy as possible on you.”

Something was wrong here, and he didn’t like the way the warning hairs were standing up on the back of his neck. “What are we talking about, Señora Hernandez? The baby formula?”

“Not formula, Doctor. The adoption of your niece. Melaina Juarez informed us that you’re involved in a very difficult situation over your sister’s death, and that you might be agreeable with allowing us to find a proper home for the child. Ana Maria is her name, I believe?”

Gabriel took a step backward, opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again for several seconds before he tried, once more, to speak. “What the hell are you talking about?” he sputtered. “I never indicated to anyone that I wanted someone to adopt my niece!”

“But didn’t you tell Nurse Juarez how you never expected to have a baby in your life, and that you didn’t know what to do? Melaina indicated that you didn’t want the child.”

Had it seemed like that? Yesterday was such a blur he couldn’t remember. But there had been conversation while Ana Maria had been under observation for those few hours, and maybe something he’d said had been misinterpreted. Or perhaps he’d been overcome by the whole emotional roller-coaster, and saying something he hadn’t meant. “You’re correct. I didn’t expect to have a child, and no, I’m not thrilled about making the change in my life that will be necessary, but you’re mistaken if you think I’d give away my sister’s baby. Because I won’t!”

“I know this is a trying time for you, Doctor. But let me make it clear what we do. We place children in good, loving homes where children are wanted. Our waiting lists are long, our clients worthy and we do an extensive search of their backgrounds. For people such as yourself, it’s an ideal situation.” She handed him a packet of information. “I’d like you to consider what we have to offer your niece. Getting her into a nice, stable family situation where she’s wanted, and doing it at such a young age, is to her benefit. So, please, just read the brochures, and I’ll contact you in a day or two.”

“I’m not letting anybody take Ana Maria!” Adoption wasn’t a solution he’d considered, wasn’t even a solution he liked. Not for his flesh and blood. But if worse came to worst? Could he turn over Lynda’s child?

Not a chance in hell! That answer came to him in a fraction of a second, which surprised him because he hadn’t realized his feelings were so strong. But they were. Something else would work out, but it would have nothing to do with giving Ana Maria to strangers. Even the thought of that made him sick to his stomach. “Look, I appreciate your coming here like this, Señora Hernandez, but I don’t think…”

She laid a comforting hand on his forearm. “It’s too early to think, Dr. Velascos. That’s why we urge our prospective clients to take all the time they need. It’s a serious situation, giving up a child, and we certainly don’t want anyone making a decision they’ll later regret. So, please, just read the information. That’s all I’m asking you to do right now.”

Gabriel drew in a sharp breath. Too much, too soon. He wasn’t prepared to deal with any of this yet. “I know you’re only doing your job, but I’m not going to have anyone adopt my niece. Whatever Melaina Juarez might have thought I meant was incorrect, and I’m sorry for any inconvenience I’ve caused. I was under stress and I may have said some things that were mistaken as an intention to give away the baby, but that’s certainly not what I’m going to do.” It seemed abominable, but there was no need being brutal to the woman.

“It’s never easy, Dr. Velascos. But think about what’s best for Ana Maria.” She stepped back. “I have appointments in a few of the villages near Lado De la Montaña over the next few days, so I’ll be back in touch with you in due course.”

He didn’t say yes, he didn’t say no. And maybe he should have. But the image running through his mind as Señora Hernandez walked away from him was one where she was taking Ana Maria with her, and that caused such a sudden and unexpected pain in his gut he couldn’t speak. Couldn’t utter a single word.

“Breakfast?”

Bella nodded. “I called room service. But since I didn’t know what you’d like, I had them bring several different things.”

He looked at the cart full of sweet rolls and various juices and tea, but he just didn’t have the stomach to eat any of it.

“And they brought up the formula, too.”

She pointed to where the stack of cases was sitting next to the door, but he was more interested in watching the way she stood at the window, rocking Ana Maria back in forth in her arms—the perfect picture of motherhood. It made him sad, and angry all over again. Not at her, but at…everything. And the baby formula was just another reminder of how his life was changing in ways he couldn’t control. “I don’t know what I would have done without you, Arabella, but I can’t keep depending on you the way I’ve been doing. We’ve taken up too much of your time.”

“I have nothing but time. And I thought you wanted to go buy some baby clothes.”

He looked at the way she’d tied Ana Maria into one of his T-shirts. There were so many things he needed to do, and shopping for baby clothes was only one of them. “We’ll manage.” Easy to say, but not easy to do.

“Why don’t I stay here for a little while longer? Taking care of Ana Maria makes me feel like I’m back in my element, and I’ve needed that.”

Under the circumstances, the best he could do was offer Bella a stiff nod. Now that the formula was here, it was suddenly all about the days ahead of him. He was on the brink of raising a child. There was nothing to put off any longer. This was his new reality, his new life, and he was drowning in it.

“Go run your errands, Gabriel,” she said gently. “I think it’s all catching up with you and maybe getting out for a little while, taking a walk, clearing your head, will do you some good.” She handed him the list. “I called the front desk and was told there’s a little mercantile two blocks over that will have everything Ana Maria needs.”

“You always think of everything, don’t you?” Another time, another place, she could have been the one to change his mind about so many things. “Look, Arabella, I appreciate this more than you can know. It’s all too new to me. Nothing I’d planned for, nothing that I’d really wanted at this point in my life, nothing that really fits into my lifestyle, and it’s going to take some getting used to.” He pulled the adoption agency papers from his pocket, crumpled them and tossed them at the trash can next to the door. Then he stepped forward. “This won’t take me long.”

“Go do your errands, Gabriel. Take all the time you need. We’ll be just fine here.”

“Thank you,” he said, reaching out to brush her cheek. He wanted to touch her, to feel the softness of her skin, but he caught himself in time and pulled back. Then Gabriel walked out the door, shut it firmly behind him, took five steps toward the elevator, and slumped against the hall wall, breaking out in a profuse sweat. Shaking hands, tight chest, wobbly knees, sagging shoulders…it was all finally beginning to sink in. This was happening to him. Really happening to him.

As if on cue, the baby started crying the split second Gabriel closed the door, to which Bella responded by pacing back and forth across the room, cuddling and rocking her. “It’s going to be just fine,” she reassured the infant. “Your daddy will get over his jitters and the two of you will get along just fine. I know it’s tough not having a mother. I didn’t have one for very long. But you’ll have a good life with your daddy as soon as he calms down.” Was Gabriel a man who’d counted on his wife doing all the parenting? Was that why he was such an emotional mess when it came to the baby? Or perhaps he hadn’t wanted a child at all. He’d said something about not planning on this? So maybe there’d been problems with his wife over her pregnancy then, when she’d died, the remorse over it had set in. They could have argued the way she and Rosie had argued that last time…

That was a bitter guilt she understood very well.

She’d done everything but cope with her sister’s death these past weeks and, even now, when she was on the verge of coming face-to-face with the hardest thing she’d ever had to do in her life, she was avoiding it every way she could. Including getting involved with Gabriel and Ana Maria. That’s why she recognized that Gabriel was avoiding the inevitable right now, because she was the expert at it, a virtual master of pretexts and avoidance.

“It’s not easy, forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do,” she said to the baby. Did he love his baby? Maybe he blamed for her mother’s death? “I know you don’t understand what I’m saying, but be patient with your father. He’s dealing with a tragedy no one’s ever prepared for. When you lose someone like he has…like I did…you lose part of yourself, too. Then it becomes so hard getting up in the morning to face the normal things you’re supposed to. People stare at you and whisper, they pity you and they mean to be kind, but it hurts so much and you have to put on this brave face and pretend that you’re doing well when everything inside you wants to crumble. You don’t know what to do, yet life has to go on even when it doesn’t make as much sense as it used to.” She sighed. “So that’s why you have to be patient with him. Your daddy’s starting over again, and his footing isn’t very sure yet.” Like hers wasn’t. But something about holding Ana Maria made it seem better. Maybe it was because she already missed her medical practice, missed the one solid thing in her life that had never let her down, other than her sister, and Ana Maria reminded her of that stability. “You just wait. It will get better gradually, and pretty soon neither of you will remember the first few clumsy days.”

Pacing over to the door, Bella was about to turn and pace back to the window when she glanced down at the papers Gabriel had tossed at the trash can and missed. After she’d bent to pick them up, it had been her intention to throw them away, but what she saw caused her to pull Ana Maria to her chest even more. It was an adoption pamphlet. No! That couldn’t be right. Gabriel couldn’t be… Was he actually thinking about giving up his child for adoption? Giving away his baby and start over? “No,” she gasped, throwing the adoption information in the trash. She’d thought his detachment would disappear once he was over the shock. It was too soon to make this kind of decision—too soon, too reactionary. But she’d been wrong about Gabriel, and this went far beyond not thinking clearly.

She looked at the trash can, wanting to kick it she was so angry. Those brochures were crumpled and intended for the trash, weren’t they? Could he have considered the idea, then changed his mind?

Or maybe he’d already signed the adoption papers and didn’t need the information brochures any longer. It was a thought that turned her stomach.

“Gabriel,” she whispered, the full weight of a sadness she didn’t even grasp dropping down on her as she dragged her way back to the window. It was such a beautiful sight out there, with the neatly manicured gardens below. Beautiful green grass, perfectly sculpted shrubs lining the walkways, flower-beds all done in reds and whites, white wicker benches on the lawn. All of it made so much sense. Went together the way it should. But glancing down at Ana Maria, who’d settled into her arms to nap, she couldn’t find any sense in what she feared Gabriel was about to do. No sense at all.

Just like there was no sense in the way she was feeling over it—betrayed.

“You didn’t touch the pastries you ordered,” Gabriel commented casually an hour later. Entering the hotel room, he wasn’t bogged down by the bundle of packages she’d hoped he might be bringing. Packages full of baby clothes would mean he wasn’t going to give Ana Maria away. But all he had with him was a small bag with a couple of new sleepers in it. Nothing else, and she’d had so many things on her list—receiving blankets, newborn soaps and lotions, bootees. Which only served to refuel all the raw emotions she’d been feeling from the moment she’d found his adoption literature.

No, she wouldn’t do this. Wouldn’t get involved. It was none of her business and she meant to keep it that way. She had her own problems to fix, her own hard decisions to make, and getting involved in his life in any way was just crazy.

Sucking in a sharp breath, Bella squared her shoulders, marched past Gabriel and straight out the door, without so much as a glance backward or a goodbye. Tears welled in her eyes all the way from his room to hers, and she fought them back, biting hard on her lower lip, hoping the pain would distract her emotions.

But it didn’t. Back in her own room, of all the things to do over a stranger, she collapsed on her bed, drew herself up in a ball and cried like she hadn’t cried since the day she’d heard about the airplane crash. She had no right to those tears, neither did she understand them, yet once they started they didn’t stop for nearly an hour. And at the end, when her eyes were all puffy and red, her face blotched, and she was dabbing cold water on herself, she glanced at the distorted face in the mirror, wondering who’d she been crying for. Her sister? Ana Maria? Gabriel?

Or her own broken heart over so many things she knew and possibly some she didn’t?

Bella searched her own eyes for a moment, then bent low over the vanity sink and splashed more cold water on her face. Better that than finding the answer she was afraid she’d discover if she kept on looking.