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PERFECT BEHAVIOR
By Donald Ogden Stewart
Illustrated by Ralph Barton
A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises
Regretfully not all the images from the original edition could be retrieved.
DW
Contents
CONTENTS
Chapter
I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP
A Few Words about Love—Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab—A
Silly Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make Them—A
Well Known Congressman's Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish
Bath—Cards and Flowers—Flowers and their Message in
Courtship—"A Clean Tooth Never Decays"—Receiving an
Invitation to Call—The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone
Girl's Horrible End—Making the First Call—Conversation and
Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The Proposal Proper-The Proposal
Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the
ex-Clergyman's Niece.
II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS
The Historic Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher
Girl's Experience with a Traveling Salesman—The Bride-to-Be—The
Engagement Luncheon—Selecting the Bridal Party—Invitations and
Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the Groom—"Madam, those are
my trousers"—Duties of the Best Man—A Demented Taxidermist's
Strange Gift—The Bride's Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt
Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some
Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda—The Rehearsal—The
Bridal Dinner—A Church Wedding.
III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL
Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around
Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail—
Good Form on a Street Car—In the Subway—Fun with an Old
Gentleman's Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a Subway—Travelling under
Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in
His Lower Berth.
IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA
Listening to a Symphony Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy's
"Apres-midi d'un Faune" and four gin fizzes on Uncle
Frederick—"No, fool like an old fool"—Correct Behavior at a
Piano Recital—Choosing One's Nearest Exit—In a Box at the
Opera—What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old
Victrola Records.
V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS
Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky
on Goldfish—The College Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily's
Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a
Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes—A California
Motion Picture Actress's Bad Taste—Good Form for Dry Agents
During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead.
VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS
Selecting a Proper School—Account of an Interesting Trip Down
the Eric Canal with Miss Spence—Correct Equipment for the
Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New York—A journey Around the
City—Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in
1858—The First Days in the New School—"After Lights" in a
Dormitory—An "Old Schoolgirl's" Confessions—Becoming
Acclimatized—A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets.
VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS
Golf as a Pastime—What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His
Niblic—An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice—"Shoot you
for your ear trumpet, grandfather!"—Correct Behavior on a
Picnic—A Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato
Chips—Boxing in American Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur
Boxer—"He didn't know it was Jack Dempsey!"—Bridge
Whist—Formal and Informal Drinking—A jolly Hallowe'en
Party—Invitations—Receiving the Guests—How to
Mystify—Games.
VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS
Correspondence for Young Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full
Dress Suit by Mail—Letters to Parents—A Prominent Retired
Bank President's Advice to Correspondents—Letters from
Parents—Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York—Letters
to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A Correct Form of Letter to a
Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for
Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love
Letters—Correspondence of Public Officials—-Letters to
Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.—Invitations,
Acceptances and Regrets.
IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS
Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children—Removing
Stains from Gray Silk—A Child's Garden of Etiquette—Etiquette
in the School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New Jersey Lady Did
with Her Olive Seeds—Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner
Table Conversation—"It Seems that Pat and Mike"—Balls and
Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags.
A Word of Warning and Encouragement
CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP
A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE
Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently connected in some way with the custom of "love" between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the history of etiquette that when "love" first began to become popular among the better class of younger people they took to it with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the etiquette of courtship.
Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your company "father." So many young people seem to think it "smart" to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are certain, as soon as you hear her say "Hello, father" to your employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship.
CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM
Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction. Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of savoir faire (correct form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not au fait (correct form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands with my friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde (correct form) this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person who is being "introduced" then extends his (or her) right ungloved hand and says, "Shake." You "shake," saying at the same time, "It's warm (cool) for November (May)," to which the other replies, "I'll say it is."
This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of course you know Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, "I didn't get the name," at which you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner several times, saying at the same time, "Well, well—so you didn't get the name—you didn't get the name—well, well." If the man still persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone.
The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as follows:
Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, and go there on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady's house in several places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, you say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the sidewalk." If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, "I realize, Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother." At that you should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the name on the calling card is generally sufficient for identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint.
