Читать книгу Poison in the Pen - Dora Amy Elles - Страница 11

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All over Tilling Green there were houses where people were going to bed or were already there and asleep. At the Manor Roger Repton gave something between a yawn and a sigh of relief as he laid down keys and money on his dressing-table and took off his white tie. By this time tomorrow the whole damned fuss would be over. What was the good of worrying? Pity you couldn’t always help it. Valentine was bound to marry some time, and how could you tell how any marriage would turn out? Take his own—He shied away from that. No good thinking about things that didn’t bear thinking about—Get back to Valentine. There was no reason why it shouldn’t turn out all right for her. Gilbert wasn’t the first young fellow to play about a bit before he settled down. And the money was tied up all right—no playing ducks and drakes with it. There had been enough of that with poor Eleanor and that fellow Grey. Pretty, fragile creature Eleanor. The going had been tough for her, and she had just given up. He wondered how it would have been if they had married. Everyone said it wouldn’t do, so he went off to the East, and she married Grey. But not at once, not for quite a long time. And Grey was a rotter. Stupid affair the whole thing. But Valentine would be all right with Gilbert. They were going to miss her, and—they were going to miss the money. He began to think about how badly they were going to miss the money.

His sister Maggie thought the evening hadn’t gone so badly after all. Mrs Glazier was a really good cook, and everything had been very nice. Of course they would probably not be able to go on having her after this—or would they? Roger always did talk as if they were all going to the workhouse next week. Papa did too. They didn’t call them workhouses now, but the principle remained the same. If you hadn’t enough money you had to keep on thinking about it, and that was so very tiresome. It was a pity that Valentine was getting married. Marriages didn’t always turn out the way you thought they would. She might be very unhappy, as her mother had been. She might have wished she had stayed as she was. Gilbert was a very good-looking young man, and some day he would have a title, because poor Lady Brangston had gone on having daughters, so he would be Lord Brangston when his old cousin died. There wouldn’t be any money, but Valentine had enough for two. Charming young men didn’t always make the best husbands. She would have liked to get married when she was a girl, but nobody asked her. And perhaps it was safer not to have a husband at all than to have one who turned out badly like Valentine’s father who had broken poor Eleanor’s heart and spent quite a lot of her money.

She took off the amethyst necklace which had been her mother’s and put it away. The stones were a lovely colour and it was a handsome necklace. She could remember her mother wearing it with a dress of lilac satin cut low upon the shoulders and trimmed with a lace bertha. Women had good shoulders then. Mamma’s had been very smooth and white. The necklace had looked very well. Her own neck was too thin for it. She put it away with a sigh, lifting the three trays of an old-fashioned jewel-case and laying it out carefully on the padded satin at the bottom. The folded piece of paper was on the next tray. Only a little piece of it showed under a heavy bracelet set with carbuncles. She put out her hand to the torn edge of the paper and drew it back again, but in the end she lifted the bracelet and unfolded the crumpled sheet. Someone had written on it, the letters clumsily formed, the lines slanting awry.

After a time she folded it again and put it back with the bracelet to hold it down. Then she replaced the other two trays and locked the box and put away the key.

Valentine Grey slipped out of her pale green dress. Mettie Eccles had said to her, ‘You shouldn’t be wearing green, you know. It’s unlucky.’ She stood with the pale floating cloud of it in her hand and thought from what long, long, long-ago ages these superstitions came down. Green was the colour of the Little People—the fairies. They couldn’t bear you to wear it, especially on a Friday, because Friday was the day of the Redemption and they had no part in it——

She hung up the dress and went to the dressing-table to take off her pearls and lay them down. Her hand went up to the clasp and dropped again. There was a letter fastened to the pincushion with the brooch she had worn that afternoon, a little diamond feather, very light and sparkling. The envelope was the sort they sell with Christmas cards. It was very tightly stuck. The writing was large, and thick, and awkward. She didn’t know it at all. She picked it up, tore it open, and discovered another envelope inside, a small grey one. There was no writing on it.

There was nothing to frighten her, but a pulse beat in her throat. There was nothing to be afraid of, but her hand had begun to shake. Out of the grey envelope there came a scrap of paper. Words had been pencilled on it in a hand she knew:

‘The old place. I’ll wait till twelve. If you don’t come, I’ll be ringing the front door bell at nine o’clock.’

There was no signature, but she did not need one. The least scrawled word that Jason ever wrote was signature enough. Sense, memory, feeling, shut her in with the sole thought, ‘He’s here.’

It was at its first impact pure release and joy. It was as if she had grown wings and could fly to her own place of heart’s desire. And then she was jerked back without escape, because it was all too late. He had gone away, and she had not known whether he was dead or alive. There are a thousand deaths for the one you love, and in every hour one of those deaths could fall. You could not go on like that, never knowing, never hearing. It wasn’t possible. She was marrying Gilbert Earle tomorrow. Anger flowed in where the joy had been. Did Jason really think he could throw her down and pick her up again just as he chose? Did he think that his world would stand still while he left it to go adventuring? The words came to her with the very sound of his voice. She let herself listen for a moment. A small flame of anger came up in her. ‘He that will not when he may——’ She had been willing enough, and he had gone away without a word. She found that she was holding the paper so tightly that it hurt.

And then suddenly she was tearing it into shreds and scattering them from the window. The anger in her burned for an outlet. Since he had set time and place for them to meet, she would go, and for once, just for once, everything should be clear between them. Let him look at what he had done, let him watch the smoke of the burning and see the utter destruction. And then nothing more.

She took off the long, full petticoat which she had worn under her green dress and put on a dark skirt and jumper. She took off her pale green shoes with the crystal buckles and put on low-heeled shoes with a strap. She tied a dark scarf over her head and slipped into a short, loose coat.

When she opened her door, the passage was empty before her. She came out upon the landing. The hall lay shadowy below. A small low-powered bulb burned there. There is always something dreamlike about being alone in a sleeping house. The daily maids had gone home hours ago. Mrs Glazier, who was the gardener’s wife, had gone back to their cottage. Somewhere on the floor from which she had come Scilla and Roger and Maggie would be sleeping—they were all tired enough. Scilla had hardly waited to say good-night before she went yawning to her room.

As Valentine crossed the hall, the feeling of emptiness and silence came up about her. It was like going down into a swimming-pool and feeling the water rise above your waist, your throat, your chin. Now it had closed over her. She walked in it, leaving the light farther and farther behind until she came to the drawing-room bar.

When she had turned the handle and passed within, there was no more light. She closed the door without latching it, took out the little torch which she had slipped into the pocket of her coat, and switched it on. A narrow beam straggled into the darkness, showing chairs, tables, couches—shapes half guessed at in some uncharted place. She came to the pale curtains and slipped between the middle pair. The other two windows had cushioned seats behind the old brocade, but this one was a door, like the one in Scilla’s sitting-room which lay beyond. As she came out upon the terrace she switched off the torch. She would not need it again. Her feet had taken the way too often for that, by day, by dusk, and in the dark. And tonight it was not really dark at all—low clouds with the moon behind them and everything dimmed but visible.

She went to the end of the terrace and down the steps. A lawn sloped gently, edged with trees. Presently there was a path which went away to the left and wandered among them. There were shadows that came and went as a light breeze moved the branches overhead. The trees thinned away. Here the ground rose to a viewpoint where a great-great-grandfather had set one of those formal summerhouses which the early Victorians called a gazebo. She climbed to it by a path which was overgrown with grass. As she came to the top, something moved in the shadowed doorway. She stood still, her heart knocking against her side.

There were two wooden steps up into the gazebo. Jason Leigh came down them and dropped his hands upon her shoulders. It was all so easy, so familiar, so near the pattern of what had been that she did not feel it strange. The months between them were gone and the gap had closed. They were Jason and Valentine, and they were together. They stood like that without moving until he said, ‘So you’ve come. Just as well. I meant what I said about coming up to beat on the front door if you didn’t. Well, now we’d better sit and talk. The steps will do.’

He let go of her and they sat, as they had done so many times before. If the moon had been out, they would have seen the slope of the Tilling woods, the Green like an irregular triangle with its bordering of houses, and the trickle of the Till going down through the meadows to join the Lede. There were no lights in any of the houses, but the outline of the Green was visible, and the black mass of the church. Nearer still a faint mist brooded over the lake where Doris Pell had drowned.

Neither of them spoke for a time. Valentine had come here to be angry, to beat herself against the thing in him that could love her and leave her, which could go away but could not stay away. But now that they were here together she could not do it. If he came he came, and if he went he went. There was nothing she could do about it. Only how could she marry Gilbert Earle when she felt as if she were already married to Jason? What was marriage? It wasn’t just the words which Tommy would say over her and Gilbert tomorrow. It wasn’t just the physical bond, the physical sharing. For some people it might be that, but not for her. She felt with a deep inner knowledge that she would never be Gilbert’s wife. And if they had never kissed, never touched, and were never to touch or kiss again, the bond that was between Jason and herself was something that would never change or break.

Out of the darkness at her side he said, ‘What are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know——’

He laughed.

‘A bit eleventh-hour, isn’t it?’

He heard her take her breath.

‘Why did you go away?’

There was a movement as if his shoulder had lifted and dropped again. The gesture came up out of the past, as dearly familiar as the tough lean body, the dark hair, the slant of his brows, the mobile mouth, the swift change of expression from grave to gay. He said, ‘Needs must when the devil drives.’

‘Jason, why did you go?’

‘My darling sweet, there is only one answer to “Why?” and that is “Because.”’

‘Meaning you are not going to tell me?’

He nodded.

‘Got it in one.’

She said in a low shaken voice, ‘Why did you come back?’

‘About time I did, wasn’t it?’

After a little she said, ‘No.’ And then, ‘If you hadn’t come——’

‘You would have married Gilbert and everything would have been all right?’

She took another of those long sighing breaths.

‘No. There isn’t any way out.’

In her own mind she thought, ‘I’m in a trap. I can’t marry Gilbert. I can’t break it off. Not now. Not like this.’

The church began to strike. The twelve strokes fell upon the air with a mellow sound. Jason said, ‘Well, darling, it is your wedding day. What does it feel like?’

She put the flat of her palm upon the step between them and pushed herself up. She felt as if the weight was too much for her to lift. But she was no sooner on her feet than he pulled her down again.

‘No good running away from it, Val. You know you can’t marry him.’

Having pulled her down, he let go of her at once.

Her voice sounded lost as she said, ‘I must.’

‘You know perfectly well that you can’t! I’m not doing anything to influence you. I haven’t touched you. I haven’t kissed you, I’m not making any impassioned appeals. I’m just asking you what you expect to happen if you go through with this marriage. Who do you think is going to get anything out of it? If you’re thinking of Gilbert, I can imagine pleasanter things than finding yourself landed with a reluctant girl who is in love with somebody else. If you are thinking of me, I can assure you that I shall get anything you may suppose me to have deserved. And if you are thinking of yourself—well, I should recommend you to think again.’

She did not feel that she had anything to think with. She put her face down into her hands and leaned forward until they rested upon her knees. She had no thoughts, only feelings. In retrospect the lonely ache when he was gone. Now and here Jason so near that her least, slightest movement would bridge the space between them. In the future beyond these passing hours of darkness a nothingness, a blank in which she could conceive of neither thought nor action.

Time went by. He did not move or speak, but if they had been locked in one another’s arms, she could not have been more aware of him. In the end she lifted her face a little and said in a weeping voice, ‘Why—did—you—go?’

He gave that half shrug again. This time it was followed by words.

‘I had something to attend to.’

She went on as if he had not spoken, or as if she had not heard.

‘You came to meet me here. You didn’t say that you were going away. You kissed me, and you went. You didn’t write. You didn’t come——’ Her breath failed, and the words with it.

He said, ‘It was tough for you. I always told you loving me was going to be tough.’

She got her breath again.

‘People can’t just go away like that. And come back. And find that nothing has changed. If you are too unhappy you just can’t go on.’

He said without impatience, ‘You knew I came, and went, and didn’t write.’

Again she went on as if she hadn’t heard him.

‘I got a letter. Someone wrote it, but I don’t know who it was. It said there was a girl, and that was why you went.’

‘I can’t tell you why I went. There wasn’t any girl.’

‘There were three letters altogether. They were—nasty—as if slugs had crawled on them.’

‘Anonymous letters are apt to be like that. You could have had more sense than to believe what they said.’

Her head came up.

‘I didn’t! Jason, I didn’t! But the slime got on to everything.’

He said with something that wasn’t quite a laugh, ‘Try yellow soap and a nailbrush!’ Then, with an abrupt change of manner, ‘Val, wake up! You can either believe in me or not believe in me. Whichever you do, you’ve got to do it blind. Your anonymous letter writer didn’t produce any evidence, I take it? Well, I’m not producing any either. If you believe in me you believe in me, and that’s that. If you don’t believe in me, we make a clean cut here and now, and I wish you joy. As I remarked a little while ago, it is your wedding day. Or not, as the case may be.’

She cried out at that.

‘You haven’t even said you love me!’

His voice did not change.

‘If you don’t know that without being told, there aren’t enough words in the language to get it across.’

And all at once she did know it—deeply, surely, and with certainty. He had gone away and said nothing. He had come back, and he would say nothing still. Perhaps the same thing would happen again. Perhaps it would happen many times. Perhaps she wouldn’t be able to bear it—she didn’t know. But she did know that he loved her, and because of that she couldn’t marry Gilbert Earle. She got to her feet and stood there below the wooden steps, looking up at him as he rose too.

‘I must go. It won’t be my wedding day, Jason.’

She went down the hill alone, as she had come. She knew what she was going to do, but she did not in the least know how she was going to do it. They had parted without a kiss, without a touch. What was between them was much stronger than kisses or the touch of the flesh, and she had so nearly betrayed it. She was like the sleep-walker who awakes suddenly on the sheer edge of some frightful fall. Another step and her foot would have been over the edge. The space of a few hours and she would have been Gilbert’s wife. Everything in her shuddered, and then sprang up exulting because she had waked in time.

She came on to the terrace and back through the door which she had left ajar. As she passed between the folds of pale brocade and drew them close behind her, the darkness in the room was like a solid wall. She couldn’t see to take a single step, she couldn’t see her hand before her face. She turned her head a little to the right and saw, cutting the darkness, one bright streak. The door into Scilla’s sitting-room was ajar and there was a light there.

She moved towards it without thought or plan. It drew her and she went towards it. When she was about a yard away she stopped, because someone was speaking, there in the lighted room. It was Gilbert Earle, and what he said was, ‘Scilla, what is the use?’

And Scilla laughed.

It was a slow, lazy laugh. She said, ‘Darling, I wasn’t really thinking about things being useful.’

They must have been very close together. The two voices came from the same place. If they were not in one another’s arms, the voices would not sound so close. He said with a kind of groan, ‘We’ve been over it all before.’

‘And you wouldn’t face it.’ There was a light flavour of contempt in her voice.

He sounded as if he had drawn back a little.

‘We always knew it couldn’t last.’

‘You always meant to eat your cake and have it, didn’t you, darling? In fact, to put it bluntly, you always meant to have Valentine’s money.’

‘I’m very fond of her.’

‘But just a little fonder of the money.’

‘You’ve no right to say a thing like that! I couldn’t afford to marry a girl who hadn’t something of her own.’

‘You couldn’t afford to marry me?’

‘My dear girl, there’s no question of my marrying you.’

She said quite softly and sweetly, ‘Roger would divorce me—if he knew.’

It had all passed too quickly for Valentine’s thought to take hold of it. There was a shattering sense of shock. She turned round and groped her way towards the other door. Her outstretched hands touched nothing until she came to it. She had made no sound, and she had not stumbled.

She passed through the hall and up the stairs to her own room.