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THE PAST

GENETICS VERSUS CONDITIONING

I generally stress the importance of living in the moment and not focusing on things that have already occurred in the past. The exception to this is when you are do healing work, like I discuss in my book, Anger Work. That’s when it’s necessary to examine your past in order to work out negative experiences or influences that may have occurred.

Actually, there are two things that have an affect on the kind of a person you have become in the present, as well as how you are living your life. First, genetics, or the genes that we have inherited from our ancestors, determine things like our hair and eye color, how tall or short we are, and certain behavioral traits. While some scientific studies show that genetics determine between 20% and 50% of who we are, I’m personally more comfortable with the lower figure of around 20%.

The second factor is conditioning, which means the way you were brought up and influenced by your parents or the other people who raised you. I believe that conditioning is far more relevant in determining our behavior than genetics. In fact, it’s my opinion that up to 80% of the way we act is established by our conditioning.

The reason I feel strongly about this topic is because giving too much credence to genetics conveys the message that we can’t change many of the things about ourselves that we would like to change. Some of you may have certain misconceptions about inherited traits – for example, thinking that because your father and his father before him had a bad temper, it’s an inescapable family trait. You have heard this since you were a child and likely believe that you have a short fuse because you inherited it. You excuse your behavior by thinking it’s in your genes, right?

Wrong. First of all, it’s possible that there is no genetic component to your temper issue. Much of who you are today was shaped by your upbringing. Secondly, even if there is a genetic predisposition to having a quick temper, it’s my experience that you can change most things about yourself. It may be a lot of work, especially when a particular behavioral pattern has been deeply ingrained in you since childhood. But it is possible.

Let’s look at some more examples of conditioning. Think about your family background. Was your mother a quiet person? Are you? How did your parents view money and possessions? Did you come from a wealthy or an impoverished family? Were your parents religious? Was that a big part of your family’s life? Was education important in your home? How about music? Did your parents play instruments? Do you?

By understanding your past and knowing who you are, you will be able to make effective and lasting changes in yourself. This is how you can get rid of those habits and characteristics that you don’t like, and keep the positive things that you do like.

A lot of people don’t want to deal with their past…which is understandable, especially when they lived through unpleasant experiences. But if you don’t address the negative things that happened to you, it’s like stepping on a rusty nail and covering it with a Band-aid. If you don’t clean it out properly, it can get infected. And if the wound is serious enough, it can fester to the point where it compromises the health of your entire body.

Emotions work the same way. You may think that your old emotional wound no longer impacts you. Unfortunately, it can have a lasting effect on your life, unless you acknowledge it and heal it. For example, the old emotional wound you have tried to bury may have led to a negative habit. As strange as that sounds, it’s true. Here’s an example of what I mean:

What if your parents were alcoholics, and your childhood was marred by bad experiences involving their drinking. By now, you may have already worked out the difficulties you experienced growing up in that environment. You’re not attracted to alcohol, and you’re not trying to find a mate who is an alcoholic. But because of your upbringing, you may still be conditioned to meet people at bars or clubs. To change your conditioned pattern of socializing in places where alcohol is served, I suggest that you go other places to meet people, like spiritual centers or churches. Join community volunteer organizations or the Audubon Society or Sierra Club. Go camping or on hikes. Spend your Saturday helping with environmental clean-ups, or anything else that will get you outside and into nature. Of course, adjust my suggestions to fit your interests. The message is that meeting different kinds of people in more desirable places is an important way to change your old conditioning and reprogram your mind.

Another way to change your old patterns is to bring new people into your life. That’s another benefit of joining new organizations. That’s not to say you have to disassociate yourself from everyone you know. But instead of seeing the same people you’ve seen consistently for years, bring new people into your life who aren’t used to seeing you in your old environments, and find new social outlets. That includes your family members, who may continue to treat you in the conditioned, dysfunctional ways you were treated as a child. So again, you are getting new conditioning and you’re changing the old patterns.

Don’t forget that you must first address the old wounds and bad memories, before you can heal from your deeply ingrained conditioning. I created my Anger Work book as a tool to help you in your own healing process. Please use the steps and lessons found in this book to cleanse your wounds from the past. Then, you can make new, better choices. Eventually, you will reach a point where you will respond to situations instead of reacting to them. The distinction I make between reacting and responding is this:

When you react, you handle the situation according to your old conditioning. You impulsively blurt out the first words that come to mind, or take whatever action pops into your head first. This is often not the wisest course of action.

When you respond you take a moment to notice your impulses, and consider other possible responses. You judge reasonably which option will better serve the end result that you would like to see in the situation. This brief pause, sometimes only seconds long, allows you to make more appropriate choices. These choices build on each other to take your life in a healthy direction. Achieving the self-control necessary to make choices about your own behavior that align with what you want out of life is a big part of becoming holistically healthy.