Читать книгу Divorce Happened to Me: A Biblical Guide to Divorce Recovery - Dr. Scott Wilson - Страница 5

“When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it;

for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed.”

Ecclesiastes 5:4

One would not argue that society’s idea of marriage today is much different than it was some twenty, thirty, or even fifty years ago. When speaking of marriage in generations past, one would have no need to clarify that it was between a male and a female. Neither would they have to clarify that it was a monogamist relationship. Yet, the idea of marriage today is that of a temporary serious relationship rather than the permanent bond which God intended. Many men and women stand before a congregation of their family, peers, and a clergy man and repeat vows of commitment to love and cherish in sickness and in health, but in many cases, both parties should stop there. Many continue on to say those famous words, “Till death do us part,” but sadly the gravity of that commitment is sorely misunderstood and underestimated. In our country, over fifty percent of those who say, “Till death do us part,” end up parting long before death.

If you have picked up this book or have it given to you by a friend to read, then most likely your life has been affected by a failed marriage. I want to begin by saying to you that I’m sorry. I too have suffered the pain and agony of divorce in my own life, and it is a horrible and terrible thing to endure as an individual, but even more so as a Christian. It is because of the pain and agony that I experienced during my divorce that I felt impressed of the Lord to write this book in order to help other Christians who are suffering in a similar way as I did.

Throughout this writing, we are going to look at many things that will help you along your journey. The overall purpose of this writing is to encourage you and give you hope that God can, will, and still desires to use your life for His glory. Nevertheless, it would behoove us to call ourselves Christians and fail to look into the pages of Scripture to see what God teaches us about marriage and divorce. So let us begin our journey with the first husband and wife, Adam and Eve.

As we consider the first marriage in history, it is interesting to think about how it came to pass. God created a creature from the dust of the earth, breathed life into it, and called His creation man. God then gave him a formal name by calling him Adam and placed him in a utopia known as the Garden of Eden. While in the Garden, Adam was responsible for working the Garden and tending to the beasts of the field. Adam lived in a land of perfection, surrounded by a flawless creation. If this wasn’t enough, he also enjoyed perfect fellowship with the Lord in the cool of the day. So it is safe to say that Adam had it as good as any man could have it. He lived in an amazing place, had plenty of work to for an amazing boss, and he had perfect fellowship with God. Despite all the blessings that surrounded Adam, God said of him, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18).

This verse of Scripture reveals several things to us. First, it was God who recognized and initiated man's need for a relationship beyond a relationship with his Creator. Second, it teaches us that it is natural and good for us to have affection and relationships with other human beings. In order to meet this need for affection that God saw in Adam, He created another creature and called it a woman. “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:21-25). So God, having seen Adam’s need, provides him with Eve, and here we see the first husband and wife.

Of course, we all know that Adam and Eve's marriage was far from perfect. Eve yields to the temptation of the serpent and not only eats of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but also encourages Adam to eat of it. They both disobeyed God’s command and brought forth the curse of sin into the world. Yet, when we think of marriage and what marriage was intended to be, there is no greater place to begin studying than its origin. Despite their disobedience, we can glean some valuable truths about God’s divine design of marriage from Adam and Eve.

Notice several interesting things we see here in this first marriage. First, Adam says, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.” Adam is saying that she is a part of him. He is saying that there is no Adam without Eve and no Eve without Adam. Together, they are one flesh and one body. It is clear that Adam’s idea of marriage is in harmony with God's idea for marriage, because we read in Mark 10:8, “And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.” “Twain” is an old English word that means “two.” Christ Jesus taught His disciples that the bond of marriage was to be so close that the twain, or the two of them, should be one flesh or one person.

This also teaches us that marriage was intended to be a lifelong commitment. If two become one flesh, how can they be separated from one another? Imagine if you took a glass of regular Coke and a glass of regular Dr. Pepper and poured equal amounts into a separate glass. Even though they are two entirely different flavors, now they are mixed, and they are one. There is no way to remove all the Coke without removing the Dr. Pepper or vice-versa. The glass of mixed cola will always be joined together. That is how God intended marriage to be. It was designed to be two separate people coming together to make one husband and wife. This principle of marriage being “one flesh” bears with it the clear idea that this merged union was not intended to be broken.

Another truth we glean from this first marriage is the principle of leaving and cleaving. As Moses records the events of the first marriage, God inspires him to write, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24). In Adam and Eve’s case, they had no earthly mother or earthly father to leave, yet God tells us that, from the beginning, His plan for marriage is for men and women to leave and cleave. In order to have a biblical marriage, men and women must leave their mothers and fathers and cleave or take hold of their spouse. We see that Moses’ insight was inspired by God, because it is exactly what Christ taught His disciples about marriage: “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?” (Matthew 19:5). This principle of leaving and cleaving can be difficult for many who have a close relationship with their parents. A spouse’s failure to transfer their trust and confidence from their parents to their partner can be a recipe for disaster and is clear disobedience to the teaching of Scripture.

So we see in this first marriage that marriage is to be between a male and a female. It is to be such an intimate relationship that the two parties actually exist as one human being. It is a binding of two people that is to be unbroken, and that it is God's plan for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. What insight we have into God's idea of marriage from God's union between Adam and Eve! What contradiction we see to the idea of marriage that is held by so many in today’s society. If we want the blessings of God on our marriage, we must labor to keep it in line with the model He set forth.

It is clear from what we've seen in Genesis that marriage is to be an unbroken covenant between two people, but what are the intricacies of this covenant? When a man and a woman come together and determine that they not only love each other, but that they desire only to love that person in this life, they enter into two covenants: a State Covenant and a Divine Covenant.

When most people think about the commitment of marriage, they think about their commitment to their government or what I call the “State Covenant.” This covenant is upheld by the local and federal government. When you stand before an ordained minister and declare your vows, you are vowing to the state and the witnesses present that you will honor and uphold the bonds of marriage. It is because of this covenant that you are required to have a marriage license. This shows to the government and others that you are legally bound together as husband and wife.

Even though all are familiar with the State Covenant, many fail to consider or are unaware of the Divine Covenant that takes place at the time of marriage. When you said, “I do,” to your spouse, you were also saying, “I do,” to a Divine Covenant with God. Just as the government looks at you as husband and wife, God the Father also looks at you as husband and wife. God sees you as some man’s wife or some woman’s husband, and unlike the state, the Lord does care if you honor your vows.

God gives us insight in his Word concerning the importance of upholding our vows: “If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceeded out of his mouth” (Numbers 30:2). “When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed” (Ecclesiastes 5:4). God says when you make a vow you are not to break it, but rather you are to pay that which you vowed. In essence, when you said, “Till death do us part,” God intended for you to remain with that person until death do you part. That is why it is so important to do all that you can to uphold your vows. This is why, as a child of God who labors to walk in obedience to the Lord, you have a heavier burden to bear than that of a non-believer.

I can say to you with all confidence that God hates divorce! Divorce is the disobedience of a vow made to Him. It is clear that God's divine design for marriage is that it be a lifelong covenant. Another reason God is so opposed to divorce is that He understands the great pain and suffering that accompanies it. Yet, no matter how much our Lord hates divorce, it is no match for how much He loves you. Yes, God hates divorce, but He loves you! I love what the Apostle Paul wrote to the church at Rome in Romans 8:38-39, “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Your divorce might have separated you from your spouse, but it can never separate you from the great love of the Lord.

Chances are, if you're reading this book, you sincerely meant what you said when you said, “I do,” but evidently, your spouse did not and now you’re faced with a dilemma. It's is not a dilemma with the State, because they don’t care whether you're married or not, but rather your dilemma is with Christ. You made a vow to the Lord that you would love this one person forever, and now that person is gone. So what do you do?

The first thing we must do is continue to follow Christ. If you’ve trusted Christ Jesus as Savior, you’re not alone. You have a Heavenly Father who desires to help you. If you’ve never placed your faith in Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, then that is where you must first begin. You cannot receive God’s help if you have not received His Son. If you’ve never been saved, I invite you at this moment to accept Him as Savior.

Jesus Christ loves you so much that He died on the Cross of Calvary for your sins. He was buried in a tomb and rose the third day victorious over death, Hell, and the grave. He did that so you and I might be saved from eternal damnation. According to Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” All men are sinners, and according to Romans 6:23, that sin has a price: “For the wages of sin is death.” The payment for our sin is death, separated from God in a horrible place called Hell. That’s why Christ made a way for us to escape this torment. Romans 5:8 says, “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ died on the Cross for you! He not only died, but resurrected the third day. He did all this so that you could spend eternity with him in Heaven. He purchased the gift of salvation for you.

Yet, like any other gift, you must receive it. How do you receive the gift of salvation? Romans 10:9 teaches us that you simply ask the Lord to forgive your sins: “If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” Have you received the gift of salvation? If not, I invite you to cry out to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you of your sins and accept Him as your Lord and Savior. The first step to our recovery is to continue to follow Christ, and in order to rely on Him, you must first possess Him. I hope, if you’ve never trusted Christ, you’ll trust Him today. So the first thing you do is continue to follow Christ, but what else do we do?

Fortunately for us, our God is omniscient, simply meaning He's all knowing, and knowing what was in man's heart, He gave instruction to help us in the instance we are faced with divorce. According to the Word of God, there are two acceptable reasons for divorce: adultery and abandonment. In essence, God says that if your spouse committed adultery or abandoned you because they were an unbeliever, then you have scriptural grounds for divorce. That doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce, but it means that if there can be no reconciliation, then a divorce is permitted in the sight of God. Let us look at these two clauses in more depth.

The first permitted reason for divorce given in Scripture is for fornication or adultery. We find our scriptural basis in Matthew 19:9, where God says, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso married her which is put away doth commit adultery.” This verse bids some explanation. Note the words, “except it be for fornication.” Fornication is an old English word used for adultery or incest. It is translated from the Greek word which is where our society gets the term pornography. In the original language, it means illicit sexual intercourse, adultery, homosexuality, or any extramarital sexual involvement. In this passage, the Lord is saying that one of the two scriptural reasons permitting the divorce of your spouse is if they have committed fornication. If your spouse has committed any form of fornication or adultery, then according to Scripture, you have the right to be freed of your previous marital vows. You can also now freely remarry without being guilty of spiritual adultery.

One question you may be asking is what qualifies as fornication? Some would argue that there must be sexual intercourse for it to be qualified as adultery, while others yield that any intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex outside of marriage is adultery. In Matthew 5:28, our Lord said this about adultery, “I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Now I certainly don’t think that a lustful look qualifies as a scriptural reason for divorce, but I do think that there is a principle here to follow. All sin and fornication begins in the heart and mind. James teaches us that in James 1:14-15, “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.” Lust being conceived means that it formed in your mind and was delivered into your hands.

Everyone who’s ever committed adultery first thought about it before acting upon it. While I don’t think the thought of adultery qualifies, I think any action taken to fulfill the thought does. An example of this would be a man who finds a female co-worker attractive. They start off with idle chatting that quickly turns into flirtation conversation. Then they begin to have “business lunches” together to spend time with one another. In my mind, that man or woman is cheating on their spouse. Any behavior with a member of the opposite sex that you keep hidden from your spouse because of shameful conversation or activity, in my interpretation, is cheating.

Again, is that qualification for scriptural divorce? I don’t know. Is it “official” fornication when they hold hands, kiss, go on dates, or hold one another? Scripture doesn’t spell out where the line is, but I can assure you one thing: if the line is ever crossed, both parties know where it is. If you are the one engaged in it or if you’re the victim of your spouse engaging in fornication, you’ll know where the line is. Simply know that if your spouse is unfaithful and guilty of fornication, you have the spiritual right to be free from your marriage vows.

The second scriptural clause for divorce is found in I Corinthians 7:12-15: “If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us peace.” Here the Apostle Paul explains that if a Christian is married to an unbeliever and the unbelieving leaves or departs, then the believer is free from the bondage of marriage. Both parties are to labor to remain together in hopes that the unbelieving will come to the knowledge of salvation, but if the unbelieving party departs, the believing party is free to let them depart. I want to stress again that this does not mean that the believing party has to divorce the unbelieving party; it simply means that if no reconciliation can be made, then the believing party is free from their vows in the sight of God.

It is important for us to note that, in both cases, the Lord does not hold the innocent spouse responsible for the sins of their mate. We must all give an account for our sins as individuals. God does not judge the innocent spouse. God knew what was in man when He created him. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” The Lord also knew that Satan would use divorce as a way to destroy His servants and their usefulness for Him. It is for that reason that God included these two exceptions for divorce in his Word.

The Lord made a way for those children who remained obedient to Him to continue serving Him, by including these two conditions for divorce. Despite the Lord’s clear instructions regarding the two clauses for divorce, there are still those who would attempt to discourage and disregard those of us who have suffered from divorce. We’ll talk extensively about this in future chapters, but rest assured, my brothers and sisters, that if God is accepting of you and your situation, that’s all that matters.

There is one more issue that needs to be addressed before we move forward and that is the issue of divorce occurring without adultery or abandonment taking place. It is quite possible that you are reading this book and this is your situation, and if so, I hope to encourage you. There is much debate among scholars regarding this issue of initiating divorce without the biblical grounds to do so. The main argument surrounds the state of the one who wrongly initiates a divorce and then remarries someone else. The question is: is that person committing adultery?

The foundation for the argument derives from Christ’s statement in Matthew 19:9 where He says, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso married her which is put away doth commit adultery.” If you’ll notice, this is the same passage of Scripture we used earlier to prove the first scriptural clause for divorce which is adultery. As we read the words of Christ, it is imperative that we put them in the proper context. In Matthew 19, Christ is being questioned by the Pharisees about divorce. As they question Him, they reference Moses’ permission of divorce in the Old Testament. Christ’s response in verse 8 of Matthew 19 is that divorce was only permitted because of the “hardness” of their hearts.

Christ told the Pharisees that, even though divorce was permitted, divorce was wrong and not what God intended for marriage. The “hardness of your hearts” that Christ mentioned is key to understanding this passage. Christ is telling us that the condition of a heart that accepts divorce without a biblical reason is a heart that is “hard” and not in proper fellowship with Him. As you move forward into verse 9, the emphasis is the same. Jesus is saying that divorce, “except it be for fornication,” is an act of two hearts that are not in proper fellowship with the Lord, and the end result of remarriage after such an act is adultery. The emphasis Christ is trying to make to the Pharisees and to us is that marriage is a holy institution that should be honored and not taken for granted. He is teaching us that divorce outside of biblical grounds is a direct result of a hard heart that refuses to yield itself to God’s help. In essence, the Lord is saying any issues outside of adultery or abandonment could have been resolved and the marriage saved if both parties would have humbled themselves and allowed Christ to help them.

The question we must ask ourselves is if remarrying is committing adultery, then can I ever be right with God again? The answer to that question is yes! Is adultery sin? Yes it is. Is adultery the unpardonable sin? No it is not. When someone initiates divorce without Scriptural grounds and then marries someone else, the new marriage is considered an act of adultery because of the violation of the Divine Covenant made in the previous marriage. Even though the State Covenant is broken, and in the eyes of society you are legally divorced, in the eyes of God you are still married to your previous spouse. Therefore, entering into a relationship with someone else is viewed as an adulterous act in the sight of God. Once this act of adultery occurs, it permanently separates what God had joined together. It breaks the Divine Covenant and also breaks the vows taken in the previous marriage. At this point God no longer recognizes your previous spouse as your mate.

So if remarriage is an act of adultery does this mean that I must forever live in adultery? No. The new marriage only remains adultery until both parties seek forgiveness and restoration for breaking both the Divine Covenant and the vows from their previous marriage. It is important to remember that we are dealing with a divorce that did not have reason to occur in the eyes of God—simply meaning that it was a divorce not based on infidelity or abandonment. Divorce without biblical grounds is a sin, just as adultery is a sin, and is not to be taken lightly. As we noted earlier, divorce without biblical grounds is the act of a hard heart that is not in right fellowship with God. Nevertheless, both the sin of divorce and adultery from remarriage can be forgiven if genuine repentance is sought. Even though the new marriage may have started with an adulterous act, it doesn’t have to remain or end in adultery. If both parties seek forgiveness for their actions, then God will put away their sin and bless their marriage.

There are those who hold to the belief that someone who remarries after a divorce without biblical grounds is in adultery for the duration of the new marriage. I disagree with that position. If that view is true, then those individuals could never again have a right relationship with God because they have no way to make restitution with the Lord. They cannot divorce their new spouse because that’s sin, they cannot kill their new spouse because that is sin, and they cannot kill themselves because that is sin. There is no way for them to ever be in proper fellowship with God again. If that view is correct, then anyone who gets divorced without biblical grounds can never again serve God, join a church, and so on because they are living in continual sin. Their life would be useless in the service of God, and spiritually, they could only exist on earth until they enter into eternity. Divorce without biblical grounds and then remarriage may limit you from holding certain positions in some churches or denominations, but it does not mean that you can never be in proper fellowship with God. My conviction is that that view does not line up with the nature of God, the principles of Scripture, nor does it line up with the way God dealt with King David.

Let us consider King David of the Old Testament. David was a man after God’s own heart. He is known by many as the Sweet Psalmist of Israel. There is no question that David was a follower of Jehovah God. David was not only a follower of God and a king, but he was also a husband. He was a mighty servant of the Lord, but he was also a sinner like you and I. In 2 Samuel 11, this mighty man of God enters into an adulterous affair with a married woman named Bathsheba. Not only does he engage in adulterous behavior, but he also gives the order that causes her husband Uriah to be killed in battle. The result of David’s adulterous affair with Bathsheba is an illegitimate child.

So here is David, a follower of God who finds himself surrounded by a multitude of sinful choices. Does God say to David, well you had a good run but you messed up and I can’t use you anymore? No, instead God sends his Prophet Nathan by in 2 Samuel 12 to confront David about his sin. Through Nathan, God tells David that there will be permanent consequences for his actions and his sin, including the loss of the unborn child that was conceived during his affair with Bathsheba. Yet, in verse 13, David confesses his sin and says, “I have sinned against the Lord.” But note what Nathan says, “The Lord also hath put away thy sin.” David paid for his sin with Bathsheba with the loss of children and additional suffering on his life, but God forgave his sin and restored him to fellowship. Not only did he restore him to fellowship, but he also allowed him to take Bathsheba as his wife, and he blessed that union with the birth of a son named Solomon. Solomon would be chosen by God to be the successor to David’s throne and was also part of the lineage of Christ the Messiah.

What I want you to see is that just as God restored David, He can restore you even if your divorce was not based on biblical grounds. Like David, there will be some lasting consequences and battles you must face, but God can restore you and use your life if you’re willing to genuinely repent and seek reconciliation with Him.

Our time on this subject has only been a quick overview of what God teaches in His Word about marriage and divorce. There are multitudes more that we could discuss on this topic, but that is not the purpose of this book. Our purpose in this chapter was simply to remind you of the seriousness of marriage as well as how God views marriage and divorce. Many marriages end that could have been saved, if only two people would work together and seek common ground in Christ.

I'll be the first to tell you that I loathe divorce. No one wins in a divorce, and everyone you love ends up with a battle scar. When two people go through a divorce, it's like throwing a rock into the middle of a pond. It may have made the biggest splash where it went in, but the ripples carry throughout the entire pond all the way to the bank. I would encourage those of you who have recently been separated—regardless of the length of time of the separation—to seek reconciliation if there is any hope of doing so at all! The Bible says, “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10). Don’t let your own pride stand in the way of God working a miracle in your marriage.

With that being said, it's quite possible that, like me, you sought reconciliation, but were left with no hope. If that’s the case, then know that just because you're divorced doesn’t mean your life is over. Being divorced doesn’t have to define your life; it's simply something that happened to you. Part of the reason I felt that God led me to write this book was to help people realize they're not alone. I promise you, God is still on Heaven's throne and He still wants to use you and bless you beyond your wildest dreams. Continue to put yourself in His hands and let Him guide you and direct your life.