Читать книгу From Medicine to Miracle: How My Faith Overcame Cancer - Dr. Self Mary - Страница 6

‘Trust you, Little Lady, to be different!’ exclaims Mr Peach. ‘I wouldn’t have expected anything else from a doctor’s daughter, though!’

I look into the eyes of an expert. He gives me a broad smile and turns to my father who has brought me to hospital. They begin an earnest conversation in hushed tones, using unfamiliar words. I listen for a while, not wanting to be excluded. I hear snatches of words that sound important but I don’t know what they mean. I do not really understand the atmosphere of alarm I have created since I told my dad about the lump on my leg.

I just feel relieved they have not mentioned the dreaded ‘C word. I push the thought from my mind. I don’t know anyone young with cancer. Seventeen-year-olds don’t get cancer, so I switch off and daydream. I seize the opportunity to examine the room of this kind and clever doctor whom I already hold in the greatest of awe. Tall, strong and imposing, he seems to fill the room completely and yet his manner is so gentle. I like to be called ‘Little Lady’. It means he sees me as an adult. Yet underneath the surface I am as scared as only a child can be.

It is Boxing Day 1982. We are in Mr Peach’s office at the Victoria Hospital, Blackpool. It is large and square with a solid desk in the centre. A grinning life-sized skeleton stands sentinel in the corner. Interesting pictures of bones and joints line the walls. I recognize some of the names from my years as a nursing cadet in the St John Ambulance Brigade and I look dreamily around as I long for the day when I, too, will have an office like this.

Mr Peach wakes me from my reverie as he approaches, swinging a small metal hammer. Instinctively, I draw back, my eyes wide with alarm. He laughingly explains: ‘It’s a patella hammer – to examine your knees. Hop on the couch now and let’s see that leg of yours.’

Gingerly I stand and limp over to the examination area. My left knee is now so painful that my ‘hop’ is stiff and awkward.

Deftly, Mr Peach examines my knee. He tells me what he is doing and I feel proud when he acknowledges that I will have to learn to do this soon. He knows I want to be a doctor. I flinch as his hands encounter the lump I discovered on my leg two days before. I see a concerned look spreading over his face and my heart misses a beat. Why is everybody so twitched about this thing?

‘So tell me how you found this, then,’ he asks me, prodding my knee.

‘I went for a jog, and when I came back my leg was hurting. Then I noticed the skin was red and warm and I could feel this lump.’

‘So it has never hurt you before, then?’

‘Yes, maybe a couple of times over the last few months, but it has never hurt as much as this before and I only noticed the lump on Christmas Eve.’

I think back to the first time I became aware of the throbbing pain in my knee …

It was a perfect autumn day, although late in the season. The sort that stands out in the memory with all its bright colours and bonfire smells. All Saints’ Day, 1 November 1982, and my younger sister Helen – known as Hellie – and I took a break from revising for our examinations. We had been working companionably at our studies, she for her O levels and me for my A levels, for many months now. We had settled into a pleasant routine of sitting together, surrounded by our books, taking turns to make each other hot drinks. We had grown very close since our older sister, Frances – who I call Franny – left for physiotherapy training college. We had earned some time off so Mum and Dad planned this half-term trip to the Lake District for a treat. We awoke with an impatience and urgency to be away from the dreaded revision, only to be told by Mum and Dad: ‘We’ll leave straight after Mass.’

Hellie and I looked at each other conspiratorially. She is much braver than me, so she always does the talking.

‘Oh, Mum,’ she moaned, ‘do we have to go to Mass today?’

‘Yes,’ Mum replied, in her no-arguments voice. ‘It’s a holy day today.’

Hellie and I pulled long faces at each other before she started to dig me in the ribs, fighting for the most room at the mirror to complete her tedious make-up routine. She can be very vain and spends ages looking after her appearance. Laughing together, we set off for Mass and then to enjoy our day out.

We knew that trying to dodge Mass was a long shot anyway. My family are Catholics, really strict Catholics. Our lives have been punctuated by Holy Communion and confirmation services and Holy Days of Obligation for as long as I can remember. We are never allowed to miss Mass, ever. It is written in tablets of stone. We all go to the eleven o’clock service every week, no exception. Especially now that Martin, my big brother, has stopped going to church and there has been a really big deal about it. He says that there is no such thing as God and my mum is very upset about the whole thing.

I am the middle of five children born to my parents over eight years. My youngest brother, Adrian, is four years younger than I. He is very shy but a talented musician. Martin is the eldest and four years older than me. When we were children he teased us all the time and mercilessly persecuted my sisters and me by torturing our dolls and teddy bears. He is twenty-one and in his second year reading chemistry at Manchester University. Franny is two years older than me and in her second year at college. She has also caused an almighty stir in our family because she has been going to a different church. It is not Catholic, it’s Anglican. My mum and dad are very upset. They do not approve of the vicar, who is called Tony, and whenever Franny comes home there are lots of rows. But I quite like Tony; he seems to help my sister a lot. She tells me her whole life has changed since she got to know Jesus. I am very close to Franny. We share a love of sport. For years now we have gone along to gymnastics lessons and walked home together after athletics practices.

Hellie, who is fifteen, is different from Franny and me. She is dark-haired, extremely attractive and very vivacious. Sometimes Franny says Hellie is the beautiful one, I am the clever one and she is the courageous one. Just now, getting over breaking up with my boyfriend, Martyn, I wish I was the beautiful one. He is a third-year sixth-form pupil so he is older than I am and I would say that he is certainly a great deal more street-wise. I was so surprised when he took an interest in me. I don’t feel that good about the way I look and he is a bit of a catch. When he asked me out I couldn’t believe it. At first I just wanted a boyfriend but I soon loved being with him. I think I was probably already in love with him. When he asked me to go a bit further than just kissing, I was shocked and pleased at the same time. But – and there is always the ‘but’ – I knew it was wrong. So that’s how it finished and now, well, I miss him dreadfully. It has been a bit of a blow to my pride, so since we broke up I have been putting all my energies into entering medical school.

My dad is a general practitioner. There is a special bond between us. When I was born, he saved my life. He has told me the story many times.

‘You were awkward from the very beginning,’ he begins when he recounts the drama. ‘Your mum went into labour unexpectedly on the ante-natal ward and then your shoulders got stuck. I was visiting and I had to deliver you – a good job, too, or you would have died.’

‘What happened next?’ I always ask.

‘Well, you weren’t breathing so I had to resuscitate you. It was the most stressful moment of my career, trying to get a tube down your tiny wind-pipe.’

‘But I made it!’

‘Yes, and that’s why you are called Mary. I called you after the Virgin Mary, to whom I prayed while I was trying to save your life.’

My mum is also wonderful. She is everything you would want in a mother. She is gentle and loving, but she has this way about her. It is impossible to argue with Mum. She is wise and kind and everybody loves her. Sometimes my sisters and I look at her old photographs, admiring her figure and her curls. She was so beautiful, and still is. Her eyes are clear blue and honest, her smile takes over her whole face. The earliest memory I have is sitting in her laundry basket, listening to her playing the piano and singing to me. My mum is a beautiful singer and she leads the church choir. My dad adores her. She has devoted her whole life to her family and she is, as my dad frequently tells us, the heart of our home. Although we are sheltered, I know my parents love us a lot and I have never wanted for anything. Yes, I would say we are very close.

We have lived in Blackpool all our lives. We children all attended a church primary school and went on to Catholic secondary schools. I became a proud pupil of Layton Hill Girls’ Convent. The downside to this has been the total absence of boys from our life. I am just not equipped to deal with a boyfriend and I blame the system for that. What do you say to a boy when you don’t know anything about them? The only thing we have ever been told about sex was one lesson when Mrs Pollock drew a pretty bad picture on the blackboard. She said that it was a man’s penis but really it could have been anything. I can’t believe she used to be a nurse! So, as far as boys go, I am embarrassingly shy and I never know what to say to them. I guess they find me pretty boring, really.

Last year the school merged with the Catholic boys’ grammar, St Joseph’s, where my brother Martin used to be a pupil. Now it is called St Mary’s Roman Catholic High School. Hellie and I have both become interested in the recently formed ‘God Squad’ at school. There has been a big religious revival. It used to be regarded as pathetic to be seen at lunchtime Mass but now it is considered fashionable. It is all very exciting and loads of girls hang out in the chapel, singing and practising new songs. Sometimes I have gone to youth meetings with the God Squad. The last one was really fabulous. There were young people from all different types of churches – not just Catholics. Somebody got up to speak and told us about how Jesus had helped them through all kinds of problems. It made me think a lot about my own faith. Then, at the end, they asked people to go forward if they wanted to know Jesus, but I was too scared. I thought I might get laughed at. So I just stayed there with the God Squad instead …

So, back to All Saints’ Day and our trip to the Lake District. The golds and yellows of the autumn leaves were just about turning to a burnished copper as we trudged through the leafy lanes of Ambleside. The thrushes were devouring the bright red berries. My sister and I kicked through the fallen piles of horse chestnut and sycamore leaves, searching for conkers and helicopter seeds.

I think I looked around with a different focus that day. I could almost see the hand of a magnificent Creator all around me. The colours, sights and sounds of autumn seemed more vivid, more beautiful than ever before. Maybe to outsiders my life seemed to have everything and to be perfectly happy, but sometimes I felt an emptiness. I had heard that the love of Jesus could transform lives and turn them around – and how I wanted that to happen! I was aware of a hunger inside me, a need to link in some way with God.

I was deep in my thoughts as we passed a tiny village church, the sort that is photographed for guide books and postcards. I noticed a creaking mossy lychgate flanked by two huge yew trees. The crumbling gravestones were covered in a tangle of ivy and weeds. Here and there a couple of vases of bright dahlias cheered up the graves.

‘I’ll catch you up,’ I shouted to my sister, and ran down the path between the headstones. Cautiously, I pushed open the heavy oak door. The grating sound made by the rusty hinges startled the jackdaws gathered in the steeple. Inside was dark and cool; the only noise I could hear was the distant cries of the frightened birds. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the shade and I took in my surroundings. The autumn sunlight flooded in through the stained glass windows, pictures of the saints in reds and blues dappling the stone floor in many different hues. I headed towards the altar and, as I did so, a beam of sunlight streamed in through the side window and fell on the golden cross which had been arranged as the centrepiece of the sanctuary.

I knelt close by and seemed to be bathed in a warm golden glow reflected from the cross. The peace and silence of this place was almost palpable.

‘Jesus, if You are real, if You are there, take my life and transform it, too. Use me, Lord, for Your service.’

I didn’t really know what I meant by it. It’s the kind of prayer they say at these youth meetings where everybody seems so happy and joyful. As I stood to leave, I felt a pain shoot down my leg from my knee. It was so painful that I drew my breath in sharply.

‘That’s strange,’ I remember thinking. ‘I must have strained my muscles. Too much jogging!’ I limped slowly out of the church but by the time I caught up with my sister the ache had disappeared.

I visited Franny the following weekend and she invited me to accompany her to the friendly and welcoming church she had become part of. We have always been taught, at school and at church, that there is only one truth and that is Catholicism. I know really I should pray she will see the light. However, my sister used to be really unconfident and shy and now she is a mature young woman with a joyful and carefree spirit. She is so enthusiastic about Jesus and her church that I am puzzled why everyone is so perturbed by it. But that is what it’s like, being a Catholic.

I had never been to a different type of church. But off we went to the evening service on Bonfire Night and, as we huddled together around a large bonfire, Pastor Tony told us we can know God through Jesus and be reborn into a new life. Suddenly it all seemed to make sense. At the end he asked those who wished to know Jesus to go forward. This time I got up straight away and Tony smiled at me warmly as I went towards him to make my prayer. I asked the Lord to forgive my past sins and to come in and be a part of my life and that was when Jesus became a real person to me. At last I had found the way to God.

But, as I stood with Tony and he prayed with me, I remember becoming aware of an intense and throbbing pain in my left knee. The pain has not really gone away since but life has been so good I have hardly noticed it. Compared to the joy of becoming a committed Christian, it seemed insignificant. I felt as if my life was complete.

After I got converted in this way, I decided to move in from the fringes and mix more with members of the God Squad. Recently my life has revolved around folk group practices, going to chapel and other Christian youth events.

There is a sense of euphoria within the God Squad. We all feel that our lives have changed radically since we came to know Jesus personally. It is all about warmth and acceptance towards each other but, outside the group, we keep very much to ourselves. All the God Squad have been spending huge amounts of time singing and praying together and hanging out in chapel. It has begun to affect our work and everything. For the first time ever, I have got behind with my essays and homework. The thing is, it is meant to be all our lives we give to Jesus, not just a part of them. A lot of the girls try really hard and compete with each other by their attendance at Mass and folk group practices. Some of them are now praying in tongues. It basically means that they speak in this funny language. I suppose it sounds like gibberish and anyone listening would think that was what it was. They say it makes you feel all warm and peaceful. In fact, some of the girls have fallen over while praying. I mean, can you imagine? If Sister Maureen came in she would have a fit! She is our headmistress, and very prim and proper.

In all honesty, I have to admit to being a little confused by the fact that being a Christian does not make life trouble-free. Although I am filled with a tremendous love for Jesus, I do feel disappointed that I have lost a boyfriend and my marks at school are suffering because of doing all this religious stuff.

Just before Christmas, I decided to be more serious about keeping my body as a ‘temple of the Holy Spirit’ as it tells us to do in the Bible. So I worked out a strict regime of exercise, which means jogging two or three times a day. I am dieting now and I don’t eat anything unhealthy. All my breaks and lunchtimes are spent in chapel and I have friendships only within the God Squad. I go to Mass daily and I have also started reading scripture. I have not yet received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. By that I mean that I don’t yet pray in tongues or fall over or anything like that. I guess it is only a matter of time. I am so excited at the prospect; then I will be able to win back my brother and sister for the Catholic Church. That will really impress the God Squad. I have read in the gospels about the apostles receiving the Holy Spirit, performing miracles and converting thousands. We heard about another God Squad which converted the whole of their school and this is our mission now. Over Christmas we set ourselves the task of trying hard to convert our friends and families.

When the holidays started I was filled with a sense of well-being and contentment. My work picked up, my body seemed healthy and strong and I had this new faith, too. Then, on Christmas Eve, I had a conversation with my older brother, Martin. As usual we were arguing about Christianity and I was trying to convert him back.

‘Christianity is just a crutch for the weak,’ he said disparagingly. ‘And what about earthquakes and tidal waves and famine?’

I defended my corner as I have been taught in the God Squad: all things have a purpose and good comes out of anything, even bad stuff.

‘I bet you wouldn’t say that if it was you!’

‘What do you mean?’

‘If you were suffering. Say you had cancer or something. You wouldn’t be so keen then.’

‘Yes I would! But, anyway, that won’t happen, I won’t get cancer. Now I am a Christian, God will look after me. He won’t let bad things happen to me.’

My brother laughed at me and walked off with that annoying ‘big brother’ air of superiority. Actually, I felt he had won that round. I tidied away my books, looking forward to the enjoyable Christmas break I had promised myself. But I was disturbed by my brother’s comments. I pondered the whole question of suffering for a few minutes.

‘No, bad things won’t happen to me,’ I decided. ‘Not now, not ever.’ And I ran out of the room, filled with joyful anticipation. I thought that this would be the best Christmas ever!

A little later, Martin sought me out. It was late and icy cold. ‘Do you fancy a jog?’ he asked.

We often run together when he is home from university. I think he is quite proud of the fact that he has a sister who can almost outrun him and he takes my training as seriously as his own. He knows I have a big competition ahead. I have already represented my school and now I have a trial for the town cross-country team.

I groaned at the thought of leaving the warmth of home but sprinted up the stairs two at a time to put my running gear on. We fell into step together. The only sound I could hear was the rhythmic pounding of our training shoes as the frozen grass crunched beneath our feet. My heart soon slotted into the rhythm and I felt vibrant and alive. I tingled with the exertion of exercise and the euphoria of working my muscles.

When we got home, the heat inside the house made our faces glow. I became aware of the pain in my knee again while dressing after a hot soapy bath. I ran a hand over the smooth line of my muscles. I prodded around where the pain was and noticed the skin felt different. Even after the bath, I could still feel that my left knee was hotter than the other one and it seemed swollen.

Franny was curled up on the bed reading a textbook in preparation for her physiotherapy exams.

‘Franny, could you have a look at my knee?’

‘Is it still hurting you?’

‘Yes. I think the muscle is in spasm or something. My knee feels swollen. It feels like a lump.’

‘Yes, you’re right. It feels hot, too. The skin is red, look. You’d better show Dad.’

I expected him to say it was growing pains – all adults seem to use that cover-all excuse these days – but Dad spent a long time examining my leg. He even got out a tape measure and measured round my leg to see how swollen it was. He seemed distracted.

‘Mmm, it is definitely inflamed,’ and he checked the measurement again. ‘Is it very painful?’

‘Well, it does hurt. It’s hurt a couple of times over the last few months but I just thought that it was too much running.’

‘I see. We will need to get it checked out after Christmas,’ he said quietly as he left the room.

I looked at my watch. It was almost time for Midnight Mass, the high spot of Christmas. I pushed worries about the pain in my knee to the back of my mind and concentrated on getting ready for church.

Midnight Mass is a compulsory tradition in our family. We fill an entire church bench. My brother Adrian, at the organ, struck the chord of the first carol and I heard my mother’s beautiful voice leading the choir. We three sisters sat next to my dad while Martin switched off and looked bored. The church was decked festively with holly and red candles and a huge tree, the crib laid at the foot of the altar as it has been for every Christmas I can remember.

A priest led the procession into church and carefully placed the statue of the sleeping Jesus in the manger, nestling in the straw between the stone figures of Our Lady and St Joseph. The Mass was beautiful and seemed to mean so much more than it did last year. But now I know what it is all about, you see. I am expecting something more from Christmas this year. I have asked God to use me – I don’t know how, but I know that He always answers our prayers. Maybe lots of people will see the truth about Jesus or something like that. So this is what I thought about during the Mass, in between stretching out my sore leg to try and get rid of the discomfort. My dad looked at me and I thought maybe he was cross at me for fidgeting, but then he whispered and asked me if I was all right. I nodded, but by the end of the service I was in a lot of pain.

Somehow, Christmas Day itself was a bit of a let-down. Franny was ill in bed with flu and my brother spent the whole day at his girlfriend’s house. The rest of us had to go to Mass again while my mum cooked Christmas dinner. Mum was a bit worried about Franny being ill and upset about Martin not being home, and Dad seemed preoccupied, too. Franny made a brief appearance when we opened the presents which were piled under the tree. I felt a bit sad because there wasn’t one for me from Martyn. My parents bought me a gold cross and chain. It was very pretty and delicate and I put it on straight away. ‘I’ll never take it off,’ I told them.

I stretched out my leg again and Dad noticed.

‘Is it still hurting you?’ he asked.

‘Yes, it’s very sore tonight,’ I said, as I winced in pain.

He told me that the following day, Boxing Day, he would ring Barry Peach, an old friend of his from medical school and an orthopaedic surgeon at our local hospital.

‘What’s an orthopaedic surgeon?’

‘A specialist doctor – someone who looks after bones and joints.’ I filed the information away for medical school …

Sitting here in Mr Peach’s tidy office, I replay in my mind my last run with my brother. The examination has now been completed and X-rays of my knee carried out. With a theatrical gesture, Mr Peach pins the picture up on a white illuminated box fixed on the wall in front of me.

‘See here, Little Lady,’ Mr Peach is pointing at the box, ‘this is the problem, just here.’ I look at the outline of my knee joint, labelling the bones for practice. ‘Patella, tibia, fibula and femur,’ I whisper under my breath, and Mr Peach smiles. And I see it – a large, white, hard lump, sitting on my bone in the wrong place.

‘A limpet,’ I think to myself. ‘It looks just like a limpet clinging to my leg.’

My mouth is suddenly dry and my palms begin to sweat. I feel hot and cold and very, very scared. My heart is pounding in my chest as if it will burst. The voices of my dad and Mr Peach seem to recede into the distance.

‘O God, don’t let it be cancer,’ I pray, more fervently than I would have thought possible. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that the Limpet is cruel, ugly and evil.

I lean forward and peer at it harder. Maybe by looking hard enough I can wish it away. I inspect my enemy and prepare myself for the fight ahead, for a fight I know there will be. Somewhere, deep inside, I know the Limpet will change my life beyond recognition. A terrifying and unknown beast, I realize it has the power to kill me. I know what it is. It is a tumour. It is Cancer with a big C. I’m dying.

‘I am too young, Limpet,’ I cry inside and I see I am hopelessly ill-equipped for this battle. I am a novice, a frightened soldier facing war for the first time.

‘Why? Why me? Why now?’ I ask despairingly.

The Limpet remains coldly and complacently silent.

God doesn’t answer me either.