Читать книгу Doppelgänger - Drndic Dasa - Страница 5

PUPI

Translated by Celia Hawkesworth

It is drizzling but he cannot move.

I can’t move.

Small, fateful, pasts grow in his head. They get mixed up with the drizzle, which is the present.

Most of the rhinos in the world are black. There are grey ones and white ones as well, the white ones are rare. There are fewer and fewer rhinos. They are an endangered species, there are more and more endangered species, that is why there are ever fewer of them. They are disappearing.

He is disappearing too.

I’m disappearing, says Printz. His name is Printz.

Rhinos take on the colour of their surroundings. They blend. In cities, their surroundings are grey.

I’m blending, says Printz. I’m in the city and I’m blending. I’m standing in the zoo watching the rhinos. Everyone can see that. There’s no one here. I’m alone. My name is Printz.

He is in the city, Printz is.

He is in the zoo, watching the rhinos. They are big animals, fat and rough-skinned.

People think they are dangerous animals, ugly animals, but they aren’t. Rhinos are no danger to people. I’m no danger to people. Rhinos can be a danger to each other, not to people. They can be a danger to themselves because they destroy each other, destroy themselves. Rhinos are tame and self-destructive. Rhinos aren’t bloodthirsty. They’re wild beasts, heavy beasts. I’m no longer heavy, I’ve shrunk. I was handsome, oh, how handsome I was. And big.

Rhinos run at a slow trot, when they run. When they run, they wobble. Their great bodies sway from side to side in slow motion, they sway. Look at them swaying!

Rhinos are like big waves so that scares you, I’m not frightened. The rhinos down there below me are very big. That’s all.

Printz stands on a ridge, looking at the two rhinos down below, in their enclosure. It is late autumn. The colours are autumnal, dreary.

I’m watching the rhinos. They’re big.

Printz would like to tell someone something, there is no one.

I would like to tell someone, anyone, I’d like to tell someone: I buried Mother today. Mother is called Ernestina, we called her Tina, there’s no one around.

Shout. Shout to the rhinos down below, they are down there, in the hollow.

Zoos are not a good place for outings when it’s late autumn and cold and you’re burying your mother. I feel alone.

He is not alone. He has a father.

My father is old and sad. I’ll take him on a trip.

And he has a brother.

My brother’s no good now. I’ll take my father a long way away.

But no, Printz is not yet alone. Printz’s dense solitude is just coming into being. Behind it there is darkness.

My solitude is budding, says Printz. I feel my solitude budding, I can see my solitude budding, that’s why I take deep breaths.

Printz takes deep breaths on the ridge, watching the rhinos while his solitude swells.

This is like an enormous tomb, where the rhinos live, mother doesn’t have a tomb.

The funeral was enough to freeze your feet.

The crematorium is behind muddy fields because it is new and unfinished. But the furnaces are all right, they work. The furnaces work perfectly. The cemetery is behind the crematory. It is an old cemetery, orderly. It is the third crematorium in the city. It is a big city.

The hall is like a mausoleum, a church, the ceilings are high and painted, it is cold inside. When the music stops playing the coffin disappears and the people look up at the painted ceiling because they feel uncomfortable. Down below are the ovens. Here they do not let the fire lick a glass cabinet in front of everyone, as there are no glass cabinets here. Where the fire burns, in the glass cabinets, the corpses lie in open coffins like jewels in expensive boxes.

In America, they light a fire that fizzles. It’s a gas fire, that’s why it fizzles. I’ve seen it.

Printz had been in America, working.

The flame blazes, blazes, blazes, soft music is played (by request), the deceased person bends at the waist, slowly rises, rises, rises and sits, nicely made-up. Deceased American people have nice hairdos and cardboard shoes. So, the American deceased people sit in their nice new coffin until it twists like a burned-out match. They sit in a fine interior of white, pink or red satin. If it is a man, he sits in satin as blue as the sea or sky. That is the way it is from birth. Recently yellow has been introduced, for the sake of equality. Now deceased people glow gold, as though bathed in sunshine. That looks dazzling. Biblical.

What about the eyes of American deceased people? Do the eyes of American deceased people watch? Do they see the beauty of their own departure?

There are no data about the eyes.

Here there is no transparency. There is no watching. Mother is nailed up. The coffin is cheap. There is music, someone makes a speech, Mother disappears, Mother burns but no one sees. Mother is ash.

The urn stays in the depot for five years.

That comes later. Father is still alive.

The depot is large like a warehouse, with white tiles for the sake of hygiene. A store of urns, a store of the dead. Here, within reach.

That comes later. In this city there are two rhinos.

This city used to be handsome, it is not now. It has grown old. It has let itself go. It has been let go, allowed to fall to rack and ruin.

I was handsome once as well. I’ve let myself go, I’m ruined.

Printz was handsome, he still is, he has let himself go a little. He has not yet been ruined. He will be ruined later on. He will be allowed to be ruined. He will let himself go. Fall to rack and ruin.