Читать книгу God's Broken Lil' Baby - E. Jay Ford - Страница 14

Chapter 20

20 All Love Ain’t Good Love

It’s a Thin Line between Being in Love and Being a Fool

Love is crazy thing;

it could make you scream or make you sing.

Compromise, confusion, and insecurity—

are you thinking with your heart or our mind? Not sure I see.

You’re doing the things you said you would never do,

finding out you are not the person you thought you knew.

Hurt or happy? It doesn’t matter; it’s out of control.

It’s got a grip and won’t let go.

Crossing that line is an easy thing to do

because it’s a thin line between being in love and being a fool.

It started off like any other day. It was the Fourth of July weekend. Baby Girl was about six months at the time. I was living in Compton, California, with Man Of The House and his wife. They weren’t my real aunt and uncle, but they were longtime family friends from when I lived in California as a child. Boyfriend and I had been married for about ten months when I moved to California to be with him. It was not a happy ten months, but I signed up for this dumb shit, so I was going to try to see it through. We had got into it a lot before he was reassigned to Barstow, California. I believe he was trying to leave me, but I wasn’t smart enough to read the signals. I followed like a dumb ass. The first two months we spent in East St. Louis, Illinois, in two separate homes. Then he was shipped to basic training for two months. He came home after basic and was immediately sent off to Germany for six months. After the Germany tour, he came back rude and disrespectful and a pain in my ass. Not to mention, cheating his ass off with all the little chickens that didn’t pay his ass no mind in high school. He thought he was the shit. I still saw that stale ass little nerd I fell in love with my senior year of high school.

My daddy and his people lived in Pomona, California. It wasn’t that far from Compton where I was staying, but my people didn’t have enough room in their house for me and my baby. We had to wait on housing from the military, and so I went to California for that wait so I could immediately move in when the papers were signed. Needless to say, I didn’t last long enough to even get that far. As I said, it started off like any other day. He was in Compton with me for the holiday weekend. He came with one of his white Army buddies from the base. It was a four-day weekend because of the holiday. He would come visit the baby as often as he could while we were there. It was a little bit of a drive, but he made the trip faithfully. We had decided to start this weekend at the beach. Being from the Midwest made visiting the beach a big deal. We had gone to the Santa Monica Beach because it had the pier. It was a great day until once again, he got into one of his moods.

The beach was disgusting. It wasn’t like it used to be when I was a child. There was trash everywhere and needles all in the sand. The water was beautiful, but with every wave, you could see the debris of what washed up on the sea. With all this being quite evident, Boyfriend still felt it was okay to put Baby Girl’s feet in the water. I was not having it. When he first made the suggestion, I thought he was kidding, so I kind of blew it off. He started walking toward the water, and I panicked. Not only was the beach a cesspool of disease, but also the Baby Girl hadn’t had any immunizations at this point because of the moving and my lack of handling my responsibilities. I warned him of this, but Boyfriend, being the asshole he was, put her in the water. I went crazy on his ass. We were creating a whole scene on the beach, and in the commotion, Baby Girl’s binky fell out her mouth and was washed away in the ocean. This was a big deal because she was a binky baby. She did nothing without that damn binky. It was a terrible habit that I had created for her, but at this point, it was too late to stop. We had already lost the two other binkies she had. This was our last one. I was irritated as fuck now and wanted to smash his mothafuckin’ head in. When Baby Girl realized the binky was gone, she immediately started to scream her head off. It was time to go.

On the way home, she finally cried herself to sleep. I was calm by the time we made it home. I took her into the house and put her to bed. When I came out of the room, everyone was drinking and laughing and having a good time, so I decided to join. I told Boyfriend that at some point, we would have to go and get her a binky. He said something slick, so of course, I responded twice as slick. Everybody began to laugh vigorously. I was pretty funny when I wanted to be. He didn’t think I was, at least, not at that moment. He was embarrassed and pissed because he knew some of what I was dishing was because of earlier that day. We sat for a few hours, but I knew Baby Girl would be up looking for that damn binky soon, so I had to go to the store. It was also getting dark, and we were a block over from the Piru Bloods, and you didn’t want to get caught after dark accidentally going into any of their territory. No one was allowed on Piru Street without their permission, and if you miss your turn and end up on that block, shit could be bad.

As I rose to go to the store, he told me to sit my ass down. I laughed because he had never talked to me like that before and I figured this nigga had got to be jokin’. He snatched me down, and I was still laughing. I thought we were playing, so I playfully got of his hold and stood up again. He told me to sit my ass down again. I giggled and headed to the door. He jumped up and asked me had I heard what the fuck he said. I politely rolled my eyes and walked out the door. What I didn’t know was during his visits, he had had a few man talks with the Man of the House where I was staying. Though he was a kind man, he did beat his wife. Apparently, he had schooled Boyfriend and his friend on how to control your woman. I guess Boyfriend had enough classes on this dumb shit and was ready to test it. I was in the midst of this newfound education and didn’t figure it out until it was too late.

He stood up to show me he meant business, and I giggled and ran out the door. I was running and laughing as I saw him coming fast behind me. I knew I couldn’t outrun him, but we were just playing, so I thought, so I didn’t care. I was wrong on a whole other level. He caught up with me and grabbed me with such force, my body froze in shock. He spun me around so fast I stumbled a little. I was still in shock, so I didn’t say a word. He’s yelling, but I couldn’t really hear him because I was in complete disbelief and had stepped clean outside my body. I was thrown by the pain he’s delivering to my body. Next thing I knew he was choking the shit out of me. I couldn’t breathe. I was scared. I saw the people I was staying with just watching, and no one was helping me. He stopped and grabbed me by the arm and dragged me back in the house. No one said a word as he dragged me to the bedroom. I couldn’t believe this shit. After about an hour of arguing, I gave up. I was too embarrassed to let anyone see me, so I just lay down next to my baby, and I went to sleep. This shit ain’t over. He got me fucked up.

The next morning, I was still shitty. He’s talking to me, but I was not answering. Yes, the infamous silent treatment was in full effect. I could tell he felt bad, but I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to fight. I’ve never been in this situation. How could someone who claimed to love you fuck with you like that? He didn’t say he’s sorry, just passed me the new binky he bought Baby Girl. I walked away. He stood up and told me not to walk away from him when he’s talking to me. I’m ready this time, mothafucka. That’s all I was thinking. He yelled again. Bullshit, I was sure but I didn’t give two fucks. I was not listening. I’d blocked his whole voice. I was just waiting on some action. He tried to pass me some CDs and told me to put one on so he could calm down. I took the CD and broke them bitches in pieces. He was pissed. It was on and poppin’.

He grabbed me by the back of my neck and slammed me on the floor, and he was screaming at me. He’s telling me to pick them up in kind of a growl and pushing my head toward the floor as I was on my knees. I picked a piece of one of the CDs I broke, and with every ounce of my strength, I stabbed his with it on the arm he was using to hold my neck. Got his ass. I got up and ran to the living room because I needed more room. He caught me in the hallway, and he pushed me to the ground. He grabbed me by my hair to pull me off the ground. I was screaming in pain. Only ones home were the Lady of the House and her oldest son. She came running out of her room and begged him to let me go. She’s a battered wife, so she did nothing but cry. We could have jumped his little skinny ass. He’s distracted so I broke free. I ran out the door. He’s right behind me. He caught me on the side of the house. That’s when it happened. He’s delivering blows to my chest and side that hurt my whole soul. I’m swinging but he’s faster and stronger. Every one punch I threw, he delivered three. My face was aching from the open-hand slaps. My hero turned out to be the ten year old son of the Lady of the House. He hit the corner and had a bat. He screamed for Boyfriend to leave me alone. He didn’t swing, but it stopped him long enough for me to deliver a blow that shut that bitch down.

Two weeks prior, Boyfriend had surgery. While out in the field of an army exercise, one of his lungs collapsed. He had healed up pretty well, but it left him with breathing problems and one lung. It was still early in the healing process. I took advantage. The second I saw he was distracted, I punched his ass in his chest as hard as I could. That bitch buckled. He went down gasping for air. My only wish at the moment was that I was watching his ass die. The Lady of the House called the ambulance, not for me, though, but for his bitch ass. Fucked me up. She told them he was having difficulty breathing due to recent surgery. By the time the fight was over, his buddy showed up. He rode to the naval base hospital with him. I went into the house and cleaned myself up and tended to my bruises. I looked over at my baby. She slept through the whole thing. What was I going to do? I was thousands of miles from my maternal family. I had no job. I had one semester of college under my belt, and everything I had, he had provided. I just sat there and cried.

It was about 10:00 p.m. when he returned to the house. When he walked into the room, he immediately apologized. I didn’t answer. I was just sitting in the bed holding my knees thinking about all I had been through that day. It wasn’t over by a long shot. No, my nigga, this was far from over between us. You just beat my ass and you sorry? Yeah, you one sorry ass nigga and you are definitely going to be sorry before this is over. I’m young with a lack of good sense and from East St. Louis, Illinois. He had to know. If he didn’t, he’s about to find out. I had to get his ass back. He started talking about the Fourth of July picnic we were scheduled to go to the next day. What in thee fuck was wrong with this dude? Was he for real? I laughed. He was. That was fine with me. I was going to take advantage of this situation and show him that putting his hands on me was the last thing he should have ever done.

I went to the bathroom and put on one of my sexy night gowns. The night was young and quiet, and I was about to turn this into a whole other direction. After I changed into the cutest little pink nightie, I went to the kitchen and got a butcher’s knife. I slowly walked back into the room with the knife behind my back. It was completely dark. I smiled and whispered as seductively as I could and asked him if he was ready. You could tell he was, or was he? I climbed on top of him like I was about to ride him. I leaned forward slowly rubbing the beautiful mini afro he had at the top of his head. I loved his hair, but tonight, it was going to aid and assist in a very dangerous mission. He moaned and lightly placed his hands on my hips. I flinched a little. I hadn’t, until that very moment, realized how his touch would never be the same to me. The second stroke across his hair I moved quick. I grabbed that shit hard and whipped that knife right to his neck. He quickly realized he wasn’t getting pussy tonight. His world was about to be rocked but not like he thought.

I immediately started crying, and the words started coming out without thought.

“You mean vindictive bastard. I don’t know what made you think you could put your hands on me and you were going to get away with it. I am going to kill your ass and make you bleed from every inch of your body but not before I let you know what you have done to me. You taught me through your military training which one of these veins in your neck to cut and cause bleeding that would end your life in minutes. I advise you not to fuckin’ move or I slice that bitch. Do your best to try not to breathe because if I think you are trying to make a move, I slice. You put your hands on me and thought that shit was okay and it’s not. You have bruised my body, my heart, and my mind. I hate yo ass, and the sight of you gives me a rage that I didn’t even know existed in me. You have changed my life forever. For this very reason, yo ass has got to die.”

At that very moment, I saw his ass cry for the very first time and let out a scream that woke everyone in the house. Everybody ran to the room and froze when they saw my mental state. The Lady of the House was the only voice I could hear for some reason. She was trying to talk me out of cutting his fucking neck. I heard her but why in the fuck would I listen to her? She got her ass beat on a regular and did nothing. I was not even almost about to live like that. She was outside her damn mind. She kept telling me to calm down and be cool. She tried to me realize what would happen if I went through with it. That didn’t phase me one bit. It would have been worth it.

At that very moment, Baby Girl started to cry. I could hear her from the other room. That made me cry harder. The Lady of the House begged me to listen to her cry. If I went through with this, I would never hear that cry again. I would be away from the only thing in this world that loved me no matter what. I didn’t know what to do. If I let him go, he would think what he did was okay. If I killed him like I wanted, they would surely lock my ass up for life. I stopped. I got up. Do you know what that bitch ass dude did? He called the fuckin’ police on me. He had one little knick on his neck from the knife, and he wanted to press charges. Even worse, he called the military police from the nearby naval base. When they showed up, they put me in handcuffs. As they were taking me away, I told him they would be back to get his ass. See, in the military, abusing your wife is a major offense that could get you locked in the brigade for the remainder of your time in the service and a dishonorable discharge. While you are in the brigade, the wife will still get your check and your benefits. Yeah, you didn’t know I knew that shit. I was far from a dummy. He stopped them. Military men have a bond and I knew when I said that shit, they would change this shit up, so they started working some shit out. They let me go.

The next day was the picnic. We went to put on a façade and make like everything was okay. It was about a hundred degrees, and I had on this long sleeve shirt to hide the bruises so no one would ask any questions. Earlier while he was in the bathroom taking a shower, I got the phone and hid in the closet and made the hardest phone call I ever had to make. I had to call my mommy. I wanted to go home. By this time, my mommy and siblings had relocated to Indianapolis with the rest of the family. She was living with Favorite Auntie. I was in tears telling her how bad I was beaten. Favorite Auntie got on the phone and told me to secretly pack one bag and hide it. She told me to pretend that everything was fine. She purchased me a Greyhound bus ticket and told me it would be at the bus station waiting on me. The next morning, I was supposed to get up, see him off to work, and catch a cab to the bus station and get the hell out of there. That was exactly what I did.

My first marriage happened way to young in my life and not because of my age but because of my mind-set. That didn’t mean that I deserved what happened. It just meant that I did what a lot of these poor dumb young girls do: walk into some shit they think they have grown enough to do and find out the hard way—you weren’t ready. I learned to listen to those trying to help me make better decisions. I sure in the fuck didn’t want to learn not another lesson that way ever.