Читать книгу Nig-Nog and Other Humorous Stories - Edgar Wallace - Страница 5
2. JIMMY'S BROTHER
ОглавлениеI feel I should like to know Jimmy's brother. I picture him not unlike Jimmy, though leaner and a thought more wiry, with an air of profound profundity and wisdom, and the softest of Scotch accents which need not be reproduced.
I fancy, too, that the whole of his regiment must be wiry, solemn men, either possessed of a sense of humor and jealousy concerted or else void entirely of that virtue and most earnest in their several contemplations of things.
Jimmy himself gives you the impression that he is forever on the verge of laughter, yet is repressing that natural and proper desire lest he waste valuable time which might be employed in telling you a good story.
He has a flat in town, somewhere in the Temple I should imagine, for just as ballast is counter to buoyancy and even balloons are associated with sandbags, so does the joyous heart seek for bleakness of habitation.
Jimmy's brother is, as I say, very serious, as all young Scotsmen are, and looks upon life with solemn eyes, conscious of the beauties of vision and at the same time apprehending all the wastage of its undeveloped natural resources.
He is such a man as would stand speechless before the glories of Niagara Falls, frozen solid in a bitter winter, and would make rapid calculations as to the amount of ice that could be cut, the cost of its transportation, and its profit when delivered c.i.f. New York.
He is like all earnest men, a soldier, paying fleeting visits to town, where he discusses the army in a way which would make the scant hair of the high command rise up like little anti-aircraft guns pointing menacingly to the heavens.
Jimmy got a phone message the other day and recognized the voice of his brother.
"I'd like to come round and see you on a very important matter," said the voice, and Jimmy said, "Come along," albeit cautiously, being prepared for the worst.
Jimmy would never be surprised if his brother came to his flat leading an elephant that he had found wandering about, for he was notoriously fond of animals, and, indeed, the request which the brother had to make when he eventually arrived was startling enough.
Jimmy's brother, burnt of face and wearing the soiled khaki of a blameless life, came into Jimmy's office.
"And where the devil do you come from!" asked Jimmy in his most elderly brotherly tone.
A man, a wicked soldier, had gone on leave and spent many days beyond those specified on Army Form B.260 in riotous and possibly licentious living, and he had been arrested by an unsympathetic constabulary in the act of giving a gratuitous display of bomb-throwing, the improvised grenade being a quart pot, and the entrenched enemy being a somewhat terrified landlord crouching behind the counter. Therefore, Jimmy's brother had been sent up "with a lance- corporal to bring the criminal back to judgment.
"Well?" said Jimmy, on guard.
"Well," repeated Jimmy's brother, impressive to the last degree. "We have got him in London, but we were allowed three days to bring him from Liverpool to the camp, and we have done it in one."
He paused as though expecting Jimmy to read into this bald and uninspiring statement all that was in his mind.
"Well" said Jimmy again. "I suppose you are taking him back to camp?"
"We were allowed three days, and we have done it in one," said Jimmy's brother deliberately, "which means we have two days to spare, and we don't get many spare days in Kitchener 's army; so we have decided to stay in town."
"But," protested Jimmy, the horrible truth dawning upon him slowly, "what is going to happen to the prisoner!"
"That's just it," said Jimmy's brother. "We have got to do something with him." He leant across the table and... "Do you mind looking after him for a couple of days?" he asked, with the nonchalance of one who was demanding a light for a cigar.
Jimmy gasped and said many things which he probably regretted at a later stage, but he told his relative where he would see him before he took charge of this youthful delinquent.
"He is quite a nice chap," protested Jimmy's brother, "when he's sober. Keep him away from the drink. He'll do little jobs around the house." He grew enthusiastic. "He cleans silver," he said suggestively.
But Jimmy would have none of it, for he had no silver that required cleaning.
"Where is your prisoner, now!" he said.
"He's with the corporal," parried Jimmy's brother.
"But where f" insisted Jimmy.
"They're at a picture palace in Regent Street," pleaded this emissary of the crown. "Be a sport and lend us your coal cellar for a couple of days."
But Jimmy was adamant, nor was another friend whom Jimmy's brother was able to beat up any more willing, though it was discovered, in the course of skillful cross-examination conducted by Jimmy's brother, that the friend had an available bathroom.
"What do you want a bathroom for?" urged the young military gentleman passionately.
"To keep my coals in," said the other sardonically.
Eventually Jimmy's brother went down disconsolate, and spent the whole afternoon searching for his prisoner and his superior officer, the two having left the picture palace before he arrived. They were eventually run to earth in a music hall near Piccadilly Circus, and the imprisonment difficulty was got over by taking a couple of rooms in a small temperance hotel in Bloomsbury, the prisoner being locked in one, and his two comrades occupying the other.
The next morning the prisoner protested.
"A11 the time I am away from the regiment," he said truculently, "I am losing my pay. I want to go back to camp at once."
"You shut up," said Jimmy's brother.
"Haven't you any sense of decency?" demanded the corporal.
"We are going round sight-seeing," explained Jimmy's brother, "and if you behave yourself you can come along, but you will have to pay your own bus fares."
Whereupon the prisoner broke into such a wealth of vile and violent language that they compromised on the question of fares.
Jimmy's brother is a sentimentalist. No less was the corporal, for I gather that they were both Scots.
They found a great tenderness of mind in the vast spaces of St. Paul's Cathedral, though the prisoner, who was a southerner, could do no more than stand with a cynical sneer on his lips, passing remarks about statues and tombs, sarcastic and uncalled for.
It was in the crypt that the man's baseness was finally revealed. Before the grave of Nelson stood Jimmy's brother and the lance-corporal, reverent—almost liquid in their emotions. Jimmy's brother stretched out his hand and laid it upon the tomb of the great admiral.
"Nelson," he murmured, and repeated his oath of allegiance right down to "So help me!" and the corporal, quivering with emotion, followed suit.
They turned to the prisoner. "This is Nelson's tomb," murmured Jimmy's brother urgently.
"To hell with Nelson!" snarled the prisoner. "I'm losing a bob a day!"
So they took him back to camp that very day.
"You don't deserve a holiday," said Jimmy's brother severely.
"An' I don't want one," said the prisoner, "not unless you make it worth me while."
"Men like you ruin the army," said the lance-corporal.
They were still wrangling when the train drew out of the station, leaving Jimmy with tears in his eyes. Yet he was not unhappy.