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Divorce Parties: What’s the Deal?

What’s gaining ground as the newest trend for married, separating couples? Divorce parties!

It is often estimated that 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce, and some people have decided that just as marriage begins with a party, so should it end.

Say the words “divorce party” and you may receive blank stares, or worse, hostility. “But you shouldn’t be celebrating divorce! That’s so dark and macabre!” Some people think that by being associated with any divorce party, they’ll be jinxing their own relationship, or celebrating a failure rather than a new beginning.

Regardless of the fact that divorce brings up all kinds of unwanted thoughts and feelings, it still happens; why must it be kept quiet and whispered about rather than be recognized as something that happens whether we want it to or not?

Contrary to the bad reactions others may have, rather than mourn being single again, couples who choose to focus on the positive may decide to throw a party —together or separately— to toast their new chapter in life, and this can be a healthy way to attain some closure while welcoming the future with open arms.

Truly, “divorce party” is not an oxymoron; it’s a real way to mark a milestone, and it’s becoming a bigger, soon-to-be-mainstream trend in an emerging industry. Whether you are divorcing your partner and looking for a way to celebrate flying solo again (we’ll call this a “sole party”), or you and your soon-to-be-ex want to get everyone together to let them know that you are parting as friends and you don’t want them to feel they need to choose sides (we’ll call this a “joint party”), a divorce party may be a great option for you. Of course, if you don’t feel like hosting a “party” but you do want to mark the occasion so you can move on, a divorce ceremony may be more your style (more on divorce ceremonies in section 3.).

Divorce parties (and ceremonies) are not so much about mourning a loss; they are about celebrating the next chapter of your life and moving toward your new future in a healthy way. This book will approach divorce parties in this way, discussing how these parties have come about, how they are growing, and who (friends and family) and what (legal and emotional aspects) you should consider before throwing the party. It will also cover the basics of planning a divorce event, and it will offer you resources for divorce issues and event planning. Section 6., at the end of this book, provides you with links to the news articles referenced as well as a URL for a YouTube video of a divorce celebration. The goal here is a comprehensive, first-of-its-kind book on divorce parties that offers you, the reader, more than just a “how to” party planning guide.

As Susan J. Elliott wrote in her book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You, “Right now, the best thing to do is to meet this challenge head on, work through your grief, make those plans, and change your life.”

No one can tell you how you should feel or how long it should or will take you to get over a divorce and move on, but marking your divorce with a party or ceremony, in the same sort of way you mark other life events, may just be the catalyst you need to heal the old and embrace the new.

1.1 Celebrities Are Doing It

Celebrating singledom after marriage breakdown is a growing phenomenon; you may have first heard of it in North America several years ago when Travis Barker, drummer in the band Blink 182, and his now-ex Shanna Moakler, actress, divorced. She threw a sole divorce party with her friends. The centerpiece, photographed for magazines, was a divorce cake: It looked like a wedding cake, except the groom cake topper had fallen off the tiers and was at the base of the cake, bloodied. This somewhat dark, yet comic approach attracted much attention to the still-new practice of celebrating divorce. Google “divorce cake” these days and you’ll find many images of cakes made for just such an occasion.

Jack White of the band The White Stripes and his now ex-wife Karen Elson threw a joint divorce party in 2011; details were published by Billboard.com, TMZ.com, and other celebrity gossip sites. A joint party was likely their way of showing people that while they were splitting up, there weren’t going to be any hard feelings and their friends didn’t need to pick one person over the other.

1.2 “Regular People” Are Catching Divorce Party Fever

In May 2011, the National Post printed a story entitled “Your presence is requested as we celebrate our divorce,” about a socialite couple having a joint divorce party in New York. The couple chose to host the party together, to ask their friends and relatives to celebrate their parting as friends.

Since then, more and more articles have been written about celebrities and “regular folk” throwing sole or joint divorce parties or holding divorce ceremonies to commemorate the life milestone. (Section 6.3 lists some of the more notable articles I found while researching this topic.)

In the past decade, divorce ceremonies have become popular events for divorcing couples in Japan as well. According to a September, 2011, New York Times article, one Japanese couple decided a formal divorce ceremony was a good way to gain closure for them. Their ceremony involved a celebrant and a large hammer; the couple held the hammer together and brought it down on one of their wedding rings, distorting its shape and symbolizing the end.

CNN.com, in September 2010, reported that in at least one iteration of a divorce ceremony, a divorcing couple in Japan was led through a ritual of squashing or destroying their wedding rings and also offering statements of departure, followed by a celebration.

These articles are just the beginning; it seems that every week there’s a new story about another non-celebrity person or couple throwing a divorce party or holding a divorce ceremony. It is a trend that has just begun to gain ground.

1.3 Events and Products for Divorce Parties

Events and products have been created (and continue to be created) to support the growing divorce industry. For example, in 2011, the second annual Halifax Divorce Fair was held. Structured like wedding fairs, divorce fairs sell products and services to those obtaining a divorce. Soon after, in 2012, the Start Over Smart Expo was held: New York’s first divorce fair.

Products surrounding the divorce party theme have begun to crop up as well, such as specialized invitations, cake toppers, and more. Entire businesses, such as party supply companies specializing in divorce party products have started up to meet increasing demand.

Vendors who usually supplied products and services for weddings are now listing and offering services for divorces, such as bakers, celebrants, and mobile bartenders such as The Cocktail Cuties out of Vancouver, BC.

The sky’s the limit here; as the demand for these types of products and services grows, people will innovate and provide services and products to fill this niche.

1.4 The New Trend in Event Planning and Life-Milestone Celebrating

Should divorce be fun and celebrated with a party as we do with other milestones, or should people continue to feel guilty and awkward about it? While most people will probably not want to encourage divorce, the fact is that divorce happens more often than we want and it brings with it many changes, and many opportunities. Marking the occasion can offer closure and a fresh outlook.

Trendsetting early adopters are latching onto this idea of celebrating divorce. It’s clearly the newest trend in event planning and life-milestone celebrating. Shannon McKenna, founder of The Cocktail Cuties, a Vancouver-area-based mobile bartending service, has noticed the divorce party trend’s growth in recent years. She also speaks regularly with many other vendors whose main businesses revolve around weddings.

"There’s still a bit of a taboo in regards to divorce parties," she said. "I think this is mainly because the old-school way of thinking about divorce is [believing] you’ve failed, that it’s something ending. But there is definitely a growing population who are looking at it as a new beginning, which I think is really healthy!" McKenna said she’s seen parties where, even though the purpose was to celebrate a new beginning, there was an ominous tone to the whole thing. The décor was gothic; colors were black and blood red; cakes sported dead-groom toppers, and people were getting sloppy drunk.

“That’s not my kind of party! If it were me planning it, I would make it a bright, fun party! Bright colors, maybe a sunshiny Lemon Drop Martini, and perhaps a cake that reflected my first big move as a single woman — a trip I’ve always wanted to go on, returning to a hobby cast aside during the marriage, or something brand new. You’re essentially reintroducing yourself to your friends, most who have only known you as part of a couple and who sometimes feel like they have to pick sides. A fun party is a great way to say ‘It’s over and it’s sad, but here’s what’s next for me!’ And there are so many creative party planners and vendors out there [who] would love to tap in to this growing party genre. It doesn’t have to be an end to your previous life. Your life isn’t over after divorce!” McKenna said.

Whether the party’s focus is about the death and ending of a part of your life, or the bright new beginning of the next part of your life, there’s a way to mark and celebrate the occasion.