Читать книгу The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them - Elaine N. Aron, Elaine N. Aron Ph.D. - Страница 47

The sixth challenge when raising an HSC is not due to the trait directly, but the way others view it. Unless your child becomes very good at hiding it, she will be known as someone who feels and notices more, someone who pauses before acting and thinks everything over afterward. And it seems to be a human fact that when we meet someone different, especially a member of a minority group (and sensitive people are in the minority), we immediately decide if they are superior or inferior, if they look up to us or if we should look up to them. This is what any child who seems “different” must face.

As with the other six, there are also advantages in having a child who is different. Remember our motto: To have an exceptional child you have to be willing to have an exceptional child. Some teachers, peers, and relatives will think your child’s differences are marvelous. From these people your child will gain the self-esteem she will need when meeting up with some of the other people, the majority in our culture, who are less impressed with sensitivity.

Indeed, in some cultures it is a social advantage, an honor, to be sensitive. Peoples living close to the earth esteem their highly sensitive herbalists, trackers, and shamans. And a study comparing elementary school children in China and Canada found that being a “sensitive, quiet” child was associated with being popular in China, but with being unpopular in Canada. Perhaps “old” cultures with rich artistic, philosophical, and spiritual traditions such as China and Europe can afford to reward sensitivity more than “new” immigrant cultures such as the United States, Canada, Latin America, and Australia, which have rewarded pioneering “macho” men and “tough” women who gave little thought to the risks in a new land.

If you think about it, cultures that are tough, aggressive, impulsive, and quick to explore are the ones that expand and take over cultures with more peaceful, thoughtful, sensitive values—whether with an army, an aggressive economic style, or the dissemination of its culture. But this may be a story of the tortoise and the hare—the individuals and cultures that value sensitivity may yet be the survivors. Or, more likely, the cultures that succeed will be the ones combining both qualities, that balance impulsivity with a thorough awareness of the long-term consequences of despoiling natural re-sources; exploiting “inferior” groups until they become a burden or take their revenge; not bothering to educate the young; and so forth. A society in which sensitive people have equal respect and power will not make these mistakes. As I’ve said before, the world needs your HSC.

We will discuss in Chapter 5 what you can do to empower your HSC and protect her from prejudices about sensitivity, but here are some basic pointers:

 Examine your own attitude toward this trait. Research shows that almost everyone who grew up in North America has a subliminal, unconscious prejudice toward persons of color. Those who decide not to behave in a prejudiced way are those who actively override this built-in reaction. Likewise, since you grew up in a culture that thinks “sensitive, quiet” children are not as admirable, you must override this reaction for the sake of your child. And it can be quite real. Research indicates that “shy” sons, in particular, are often their mother’s least favorite child (while “shy” daughters are often encouraged to stay home and be mother’s special friend).

 Talk about the trait with your child. Acknowledge the problems it creates but also point out the assets. Some parents fear mentioning that their child is different. I had an European-American friend who adopted an African-American child, and when I sent the child a book about famous African-Americans, my friend returned it to me, telling me that they were not going to tell their child she was different! As if she hadn’t noticed. Ignoring your child’s difference will not work. Your silence will speak louder than words.

 Think through how you want to respond to comments from others, especially when your child will overhear you. Having developed some educated and clever responses, you can be almost invincible on this topic, since most people are ill-informed. You will learn how to do this in Chapter 5. Your child will use these same responses when alone with others, and also to counter self-criticisms internalized from others when you were not around.

 When your child is old enough to understand a bit more about culture and human psychology, explain about the roots and history of people’s reactions to sensitivity—how it is admired in some cultures, and that when it is not, some people, especially men, are so afraid of revealing anything like that in themselves that they become quite peculiar about it. I have been on several talk shows with macho-type hosts who seemed on the verge of nervous breakdowns while discussing this subject with me. They had weird nervous laughter, inappropriate questions, and poor concentration. They were probably reliving the day they fell down and cried and somebody blasted them with “Stop crying and act like a man instead of a mama’s boy!” Maybe you and your child can learn to enjoy these over-the-top reactions to bringing up the subject as much as I do.

 Insulate your child from undo attention, praise, or pity. On rare occasions certain people may find your child’s sensitivity in and of itself to be extraordinary. But your child did nothing special to be born sensitive and should not be overly praised for that in itself or allowed to feel superior to others. Treat pity the same way, except that it is even more uncalled for. HSCs are not to be pitied. And even if they were, what counts is what we do with the cards we are dealt.