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If we have been pleased with life, we should not be displeased with death,

since it comes from the hand of the same master. - Michelangelo

All living things die one day; mortality comes to all of us without exception. As the saying goes, “No one gets out of life alive.” Americans, sadly, live in a culture that is death-phobic. It hasn’t always been that way. One hundred years ago, most people died at home; a black wreath was placed on the front door to announce to passersby that someone in the family had died. To express their sorrow, family members wore black arm bands, and dressed in black for a few weeks, months, or longer. The women in the family washed, dressed and placed the body of the deceased in a simple wooden coffin, often made by the men in the family, in preparation for holding a “wake” in the living room. The men in the family dug the grave and sometimes carved the grave stone and a committal service was held at the grave site. The death of a loved one was managed by the family with supportive contributions from neighbors and friends to feed them and spend time with them as they mourned. Death was familiar to most people, and it was understood as an inevitable part of the human journey. (The journey was short: the average life expectancy of men and women in 1900 in the U.S. was 50 years of age.)

Today when someone dies it is more likely to be in a hospital or a hospice than at home. Funeral responsibilities are usually managed by a funeral home director who helps the family select a coffin, the deceased’s clothing, the place of viewing, and the services. A growing number of people are no longer members of an organized religion and these ‘unaffiliated’ persons now represent about 35% of the general population who consider themselves spiritual, not religious; as a result, funerals have become less formal in style and tone, less “cookie cutter” and more customized and personalized. Funerals may be held in a community room of the funeral home itself, or in another non-religious venue, such as a banquet hall, or a non-denominational chapel.

Mourners no longer feel compelled to dress in black to express their sorrow, and there are no black arm bands to be worn or black wreaths to be placed on a family’s front door. The modern funeral service is focused on a “celebration of life” so mourners may choose light colored clothing and casual dress. The service strives to be meaningful and representative of the deceased’s values and the “theme” of their life is told through stories, memory tables full of photo albums, articles that represent favorite hobbies, awards and other forms of recognition, along with the deceased’s favorite musical selections. Since family members may reside in different parts of the country or the world, funerals take longer to coordinate and the services of a funeral director are seen as necessary and helpful.

Funerals and Memorial Services Are For the Living

To clarify the distinction between funerals and memorial services, funerals are services that memorialize a deceased person with their body present. A memorial service is held to memorialize a deceased person with their body not present. Although there have been many changes in social customs surrounding death and dying, modern families still plan on holding a funeral or a memorial service when a loved one dies. They want these ceremonies to honor something of what their loved one’s life has meant to those left behind, and they reject “cookie cutter” funerals, opting instead for an experience that is meaningful and greatly personalized.

Both ceremonies honor and celebrate the life of the deceased; memorial services vary in length while most funerals are about an hour in length. Each is designed to help family and guests to:

•Honor, remember, and celebrate the deceased person in a style and mood that is in keeping with their loved one’s spirit, and values

•Bear witness to, and share memories of, how the deceased contributed to the world

•Gather in a place of holy intimacy to grieve, pay their respects, and say goodbye while receiving words of blessing and inspiration that invite emotional release and the beginning of a healing journey called mourning

•Take away from the ceremony some of the deceased person’s spirit and essence

The most effective services are those that help people celebrate a life while mourning a death. The least effective are those that are impersonal or that tend to emphasize life after death, rather than life before death. It is helpful to think of a funeral or memorial service as a woven cloth that integrates five elements to create a service that is meaningful, healing and transformative for mourners:

1.Opening remarks, welcome, statement of purpose and meaning, and speaking on behalf of the deceased’s family to set the tone for the service and to create a feeling that they are each now part of a community of caring.

2.Remembrances of the deceased; one or more eulogies (also known as soul sketches or memorial portraits) to share anecdotes and remarks from family and friends to illuminate the deceased’s values in life and their legacy.

3.Words of prayer, comfort, and healing that bring feelings of gratitude, grace, and love to those attending.

4.Music and readings, including responsive readings, used selectively and chosen deliberately, around common or universal human emotions to encourage reflections on what truly matters in life.

5.A closing, or benediction, that brings the service to an end and affirms the mysterious and ongoing cycle of the human life story of which we are all a part.

Funeral Officiants

Some families are able to plan and conduct the service without any professional assistance, but this is a rarity. Typically, most families feel so vulnerable and grief-stricken that they need and welcome guidance and direction from a professional funeral director. They make their wishes known to this person and trust that they will be carried out as desired.

Choosing someone to conduct the funeral service depends on whether or not the deceased was a member of a religious/faith community. Many people will turn to their clergy to personalize the service, incorporating what he/she knew of the person and the family, adding stories and anecdotes that suit the family’s needs and following any guidance written, or told to family members by the deceased before their death.

A growing number of people, however, do not want a traditional religious context for the funeral or memorial service, seeing themselves as “spiritual, not religious”. Such families may choose to work with a trained Certified Celebrant to officiate at the service. Celebrants bring a philosophy and approach that can best be summed up as “Your voice, your choice, your ceremony.” In an intimate and private setting, they spend a number of hours talking with family members of the deceased to discuss their vision for the funeral ceremony. Celebrants will bring suggested readings, music, rites and personal touches to create a unique and spiritual service. They will listen to and gather stories and memories about the deceased to craft them into a personalized tribute. Everything from the music, quotes, readings, to the flow of the service and the eulogy itself will be approved by a designated family member prior to the service. On the day of the funeral, the family receives a beautiful copy of the service as a keepsake.

Needs of Mourners

Whoever is chosen to play the role of conducting the funeral or memorial service, they have been given a precious trust in which to create and hold sacred space for family and friends at a difficult and painful time. They must recognize that mourners have particular needs to be met including:

•Sufficient time to acknowledge the reality of death and to cope with a complex mix of feelings – love, hope, sadness, anger, regret, guilt, alienation, memories (good and bad) and gratitude

•Being able to move toward the painful loss by receiving compassion and sensitivity for the expression of raw emotions

•A chance to find meaning in the loss from the skill, training and experience of a wise officiant who shows an understanding of what makes for a satisfying and uplifting service

•Support and time to continue their relationship with the deceased through opportunities to share their memories of the person with others

•Gentle help in forming a new self-identity through an overall process designed to shape the mood and rhythm of the whole funeral service

•A clear communication of the purpose of each part of the service and how it fits into the larger design of the funeral

Amid all the changes in social mores that surround funerals, the ritual that continues to assist the living and honor the dead is the eulogy. It gives room for laughter and tears; it offers encouragement and inspiration; it connects mourners to the mystery of life.