Читать книгу Gold Beach - Elisabeth Jones - Страница 8

Birmingham, June 26th 1944

Yardley Wood School gymnasium became very like a ballroom on Saturday evenings. Coloured lights and non-stop music made me forget that World War II was being fought outside those walls for a few hours.

Those evenings meant far more than just enjoyment to me —it was the only time when I was able to forget the loneliness and sadness that accompanied me ever since my father died. Dancing used to make me feel like they were still alive. I would dance as if they were watching me. I was happy during those hours. Everyone in that gymnasium waited for my performance eagerly. When my name was announced through the speakers, people would burst into applause as if a great star was going to perform. I was already a local celebrity at my sixteen years of age. According to Ms Connolly, my dance teacher, I had a bright future ahead. I started my dance lessons two months after my father died. During the last four years I had become an expert dancer. Although my origins had nothing to do with Scotland or Ireland, my feet moved to the sound of the Gaelic dances as if I had grown up there. That eagerly awaited dance marked the beginning of the party and turned the whole gymnasium into a kind of céilidh. Although I lacked three people to complete the dance, no one there seemed to care. It was on one of those evenings that I kissed him for the first time.

I never dared ask my aunt who was paying for those classes because all I knew for certain was that she wasn’t. She never came to watch me dance although Ms Connolly kept insisting that she should. For those four years I didn’t stop asking my teacher who was financing all that, but the only thing I was able to get out of her was that it was someone especially fond of me. That person became the closest thing to a guardian angel. You imagine they exist, you think that they take care of you and protect you but you can’t see them or enjoy their company, why? It was just what I needed.

In those dark years of my life, Ms Connolly’s words kept my hope alive. She told me that if the war hadn’t broken out, we would have already travelled to London for an audition and most certainly I would already have become a famous dancer.

To me that journey represented getting away from Birmingham and my aunt Jennifer for good to start a new life. Before knowing Elwyn I only wanted that war to end as soon as possible so I could escape from there, but when I met him my priorities changed. Dancing was relegated to second place, superseded by my only wish that he would come back as soon as possible to begin my life beside him.

On Saturday 11^th of March, as I went up to my room to change my clothes and leave for the gymnasium to dance, I found a box on my bed. I opened it with as much enthusiasm as a child opening their Christmas presents. Covered with a very thin pink paper I found a blue dress with short sleeves, a pair of short white socks and a pair of shiny patent leather black shoes. There was a handwritten note on top of them: You’ll shine like a star this evening. I held the dress in my arms and began to spin with a smile of such happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time. When I put it on, it fitted me perfectly, as if it were made-to-measure, and so did the shoes. Looking at myself in the mirror I felt tremendously beautiful. Only one thing didn’t match that image, the rollers hanging in my hair. I sat in front of my dressing table and started to get rid of them quickly. With some simple strokes with my brush, I finished styling my long hair. I ran hastily down the stairs to the living room to thank my aunt. I always knew that our relationship would return to how it used to be. She was sitting on the sofa knitting a pullover with the radio on. I stood in front of her while my right hand spread out my full skirt. She didn’t even deign to look at me. ‘Don’t thank me, I wouldn’t spend a shilling more on you, I have more than enough expenses supporting you,’ she said, without looking up from her work. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth hard to try and ease the pain her words inflicted on me. My hand descended slowly until the folds of my skirt returned to their place. I went to the front door, took my coat and my keys and left for the school gymnasium to try to shine like the star everyone said I was. I kept crying all the way. The last years of my life hadn’t been anything but suffering and unanswered questions. The only friend I could trust was Brenda, and even though I was a little afraid of her mother in a certain way, whenever I was at her house I felt as if I were at a home where I was accepted and loved.

In those moments of feeling so miserable, the Samuel Johnson quote that my father wrote for me before leaving for Dunkirk always came to my mind: ‘It is necessary to hope, though hope should always be deluded; for hope itself is happiness, and its frustration, however frequent, is less dreadful than its extinction.’ How much longer did I have to wait? I asked myself repeatedly when I woke up every morning. Thankfully, the waiting had come to an end.

When Brenda saw me arriving, she ran to me as I hurried to dry my tears. Her enthusiastic hug confirmed that she had something important to tell me.

‘He’s here!’ she said smiling nervously.

‘Who is?’ I asked confused.

‘Well, Colin and his friend!’ she whispered hysterically. ‘His name’s Elwyn and according to what Colin’s told me, ever since he saw you dancing three weeks ago he hasn’t stop talking about you. He says that when he gets off work he spends his time opposite the bakery trying to see you. I guess he sits on a park bench and waits for you to finish working so he can walk you home. The poor fellow still doesn’t know that you live upstairs.’

As I heard her words I closed my eyes in excitement. Apparently Brenda didn’t seem to know that I had already talked to him. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. At last I was going to see him again. I’d had my eyes on him too for days. On the third day of seeing him sitting on the same bench staring at the bakery, I knew that he wasn’t there by chance, but rather to see me. During those weeks I tried to find an excuse to go out and provoke a meeting, but I didn’t do it out of fear of my aunt’s rebukes. I think I fell in love with him on the very day he came in to buy some bread. Without my knowing, my parents’ story was happening again. When I saw him walking towards the bakery door I began to tremble nervously but at the same time happily. In my head I just kept willing my aunt to stay inside the house and let me enjoy that moment. He seemed nervous too. I found the way he looked at me, his muddled words caused by shyness and his glowing cheeks tremendously charming. I’m sure he didn’t need to buy any bread for when I asked him, ‘How can I help?’ he stared at me not knowing what to answer. Finally I asked again ‘Sliced bread?’ Before he answered, he smiled. The dimples on his cheeks made him look friendly but most of all, very appealing. ‘Yes, of course,’ he replied. When he asked me the price of it, I told him that all those days he’d been sitting in front of the bakery had already paid for it.

‘So you’ve seen me? And there I was thinking you hadn’t noticed me,’ he said a little more relaxed.

‘Of course I’ve seen you,’ I replied.

After a moment of silence staring into my eyes, he spoke again. ‘I love how you dance,’ he said directly in a soft voice, almost whispering.

I lowered my face, embarrassed but happy at the same time.

‘I’d love to…’ he started, then my aunt suddenly appeared.

‘What I’d love is that you’d leave the shop, if you’ve got nothing else to buy. And one more thing, if I see you sitting on the bench and watching how we work again, I’ll call the police,’ said my aunt, pointing a finger at him.

I stayed frozen, not knowing how to react and Elwyn straightened up as he heard her and obeyed.

‘I’m sorry I’ve bothered you, madam. It won’t happen again. Have a nice evening.’

He looked at me, nodded and left the shop with a steady pace. As I saw him going away I closed my eyes terrified, not because everything that I would have to hear from my aunt’s mouth but rather because I didn’t know when I would see him again. On Saturday of that same week I received my due punishment for not having charged him for the loaf of bread. My aunt made me clean the bakery thoroughly, from top to bottom and from corner to corner. What a better way to punish me than to deprive me of dancing? When I finished I was so exhausted that I would have been unable to do a single dance step. I didn’t even have dinner, after a wash I went straight to sleep. In my mind there was only him and the anguish of not knowing when I would see him again. Finally the waiting had come to an end.

‘Is he here?’ I asked as I looked over Brenda’s shoulder.

‘Well, of course, didn’t you hear what I said?’ she told me as she took my arm and we set off to meet them.

Colin and Elwyn were waiting for us at the front door of the gym. As we approached, Elwyn’s smile grew wider and wider until the perfect curve for the dimples to appear on his cheeks was completed. Brenda hugged Colin and kissed him as if she didn’t care what people would think of her. I stood motionless in front of Elwyn until Colin introduced us. His first reaction was to lean closer to give me a kiss but he withdrew immediately. What a pity, I thought, surprised at my attitude. The truth is I was dying to kiss him. He held his arm out politely offering his hand and I hurriedly took it. He grabbed it tightly for a moment, as if he didn’t want to let go of me. Colin laughed.

‘You’ll break her hand, Welsh,’ he said, patting him on the back. ‘Come on, let’s get inside, I really feel like dancing and hiding in the dim light.’

Colin put his arm around Brenda’s waist, she winked at me and they disappeared behind the door. The two of us looked at each other for some seconds, caught by a stubborn shyness that wouldn’t let us do anything but smile. Finally Elwyn took my hand shyly and with a succinct, ‘Let’s go,’ we entered the gym. That simple gesture awoke feelings inside me that I had completely forgotten such as those of protection, tenderness… and love? Was I clinging to him to run away from my life, or was it really true that love at first sight existed? I had noticed some boys devouring me with their eyes while I danced on many a Saturday, but none of them had awoken this feeling of joy and such a will to live. I understood now the words of the writer Samuel Smiles: Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us. I could only see light, a beginning and happiness ahead of me. The shadows that had been with me for the last four years were left behind.

Once inside, he let go of my hand so slowly that it felt like a caress. We started to look everywhere in search of our friends. Finally Elwyn found them in a dark isolated corner, at the mercy of unrestrained passion. I blushed and looked away from them instantly. Elwyn smiled at me again.

‘I think they won’t be with us for a while,’ he shrugged. ‘Better this way, so we can talk and get to know each other a little. I guess your aunt won’t appear suddenly this time, will she?’

I laughed. ‘No, she won’t come. She’s never come to watch me dance.’

‘Her loss. By the way, don’t tell me you thought that I wouldn’t see you again? If you did, you don’t know me well yet.’

‘Well, the truth is I had my doubts. As you haven’t come back to the bakery…’

‘I wanted to let a few days pass, so she’d think that I’d followed her advice. Besides, I thought that I was going to see you last Saturday, but when you didn’t show up I supposed that your aunt didn’t let you come. If you hadn’t come today, I’d have gone to see you.’

The flashing coloured lights that lit the gymnasium made me feel like I was in a dream, but it was the loud music that I appreciated the most. If I wanted to hear what he was saying, I had to get really close to him, barely an inch apart. Every time he asked me anything, I closed my eyes as if waiting to be kissed. I didn’t even recognise myself. I turned my face slowly as though I could hear through my mouth. I had never felt such an overwhelming desire, that made me forget how a decent girl should behave and envy Brenda’s freedom to let herself go. Besides kissing him, what I most wished for was to hug him. His company had given me back my will to live. By his side, time seemed to have stopped. After a while he took my hand and we headed for the dance floor. Like a professional dancer, he made me spin so my skirt would be shown at its best. I began to take the first steps slowly so he could follow me easily, but I was greatly surprised to discover that, not even a second later, he was setting the pace for that dance. In the end it was me who was following him. People around us stopped dancing to watch us. After some minutes, we were alone on the dance floor, giving a master class on dancing with a partner. When the orchestra finished the song, Elwyn held me up in the air and began to spin, while everybody there burst into applause and cheers. Being in his arms made me feel like an adult woman. He stopped and put me down little by little until my feet touched the floor, his gaze fixed on me. My heart beat at an uncontrollable speed. We were so close to one another that our breathing got mixed together. I wanted to kiss him but my stubborn politeness wouldn’t allow it. Luckily, his was more flexible. When I saw him slowly bring his face closer to mine, I closed my eyes but the magic of the moment disappeared in a flash. Reality came down upon us like a guillotine that cuts your life short in a second. Sirens started to alert us to a new German bombing. His firm hands drew me against him to make me feel safe in his arms. I’d never been as grateful for a bombing as on that day. The music ceased suddenly to make way for the director’s voice who alerted us, microphone in hand, that the Germans were getting closer and that the gymnasium was not safe. He told us that we had to find a safe place as soon as possible. The coloured lights disappeared to give way to the powerful white spotlights, which remained on until the last person came out, before being switched off and fading into the absolute darkness that hung over the city every time there was an air attack. People ran terrified towards the exit. Elwyn held me in his arms and kept me there until the crush at the door vanished. I said that we should be looking for Brenda but his reply was adamant. ‘Colin will take care of her,’ he said holding me tight. When we managed to go out, the street was all in darkness already. Above us the thundering aeroplanes marked the beginning of a very long night. The air raid sirens mixed with the sirens of the fire brigade that had started to speed along the dark streets, deserted but for a few people lagging behind. The debris of the bombed buildings started to fall upon us like hail. Incandescent shrapnel flew through the air as the bombs were going off and fell at our feet as if it were meant to block our way. That bombing seemed like the end of the world. For the first time in those four years, I begged death to let me live for a few more years, but the bombs, the darkness and the fires seemed to have other plans for me. We ran aimlessly. Elwyn pulled my hand with strength so I could follow him in search of a safe place to take refuge, but the sky was swarming with so many planes that wherever you went you couldn’t possibly escape. Exhausted and bowing to our fate, Elwyn cornered me against a building, held me tight and covered my head with his arms. The heat emanating from his agitated breathing made my whole body tremble as I felt it on my neck. I felt so protected that fear disappeared completely. What a sweet way to die, I thought. In my mind there weren’t memories of past years, but quite the opposite, I closed my eyes and dreamed about everything I would have liked to do with him. I cried, only it wasn’t out of fear but out of frustration thinking that I would never get to live it. Time was coming to an end but I couldn’t die without kissing him first. I raised my head slowly to put myself level with his lips. He touched my hair tenderly. I said, ‘Thank you,’ and he replied, ‘To you.’ We kissed as if we were lovers who were being forced apart forever. Our bodies pressed against each other as if they wanted to go through our clothes, my hands around his back prevented him from moving the slightest bit away from me. His hand held the back of my neck with the same purpose while the other one clung to my waist. Could it be that passion might have made a new deal with death? Or maybe love had managed to negotiate with her to let us live a full life? Whichever it was, death would always have the last word.

The bombers moved away leaving the city in ruins again. Miraculously, we had survived. People began to come out of their houses to help the wounded; their cries for help made you look in every direction to try to find them. The bombings left behind people buried alive under the debris, children weeping disoriented in search of their parents, firemen trying to put out the fires, relatives shouting the names of those unfound, darkness, fear, death. This wasn’t the time for passion; it was time to be grateful for one more day of life. I hugged him in tears. His words soothed me.

‘Why don’t you come to my place tonight? I don’t think your aunt would do anything to protect you if those Germans come back.’

‘I’d love to, but I can’t. I ought to go home as soon as I can to see if the house is still standing and if my aunt is alright. She’s the only family I have left. You understand, don’t you?’

‘Alright,’ he said, ‘but don’t forget that you have me now. If you need me, I’ll come for you. Petey will help us.’

When I heard that name, something awoke in my mind. It was like if a forgotten, distant memory I couldn’t locate had come back to the present.

‘Who’s Petey?’ I asked.

‘He’s the owner of the pub that’s close to where I live. He’s a nice fellow. He’s helped me a lot since I arrived in Birmingham.’

In my mind, I kept repeating the same question: why is that name familiar?

As we get closer to my house we could see with some relief that everything remained intact. I think that was the first time that I had seen my aunt worried about me. She was standing at the bakery door. She seemed to be waiting for me. When she saw us she made an attempt to reach us but in the end she stood still until we came close to her.

‘Are you alright?’ she asked succinctly.

‘Yes, thank you, aunt. If it hadn’t been for Elwyn I don’t think I’d have survived this time.’

For a moment, that question reminded me of the kindness I had seen in my aunt years ago, but soon the hate showing through her eyes brought me back to reality.

‘Well, thank you, Elwyn,’ she said frowning. ‘Come on, get inside to have dinner, we’ve got to get up early tomorrow.’

She grabbed my arm and I was hauled in with barely a chance to say goodbye. I didn’t even know where he lived, so again, I was left with the uncertainty of not knowing when I would see him again. But this time Elwyn came back sooner than expected, prepared to win the battle. Every day after work, he showed up at the bakery to buy some bread and ask very politely for my aunt’s permission to go for a walk until dinnertime. As day after day she was running out of excuses, she realised that Elwyn wouldn’t rest until he fulfilled his purpose, so in the end she just told me to do what I wanted. From that day on we met on a daily basis in our scant free time until he decided to join the army.

The gymnasium was laid in ashes after the last bombing, so our dancing evenings were over until they rebuilt it over time. Students crammed into the few classrooms that had been left standing to receive their daily lessons and go on with everyday life. Nobody in that city seemed to be depressed but quite the opposite, our self-esteem and pride seemed to keep growing with each bombing we suffered. Ms Connolly received several wounds that kept her away from her classes for a while. Although I missed dancing, now I preferred spending the evenings with Elwyn.

In those fleeting two months that I was with him, my aunt didn’t scold me again. I got up early, made breakfast, did the housework, worked at the bakery, cleaned up, changed my clothes and finally went for a walk with him. My life was meaningful again at last. As the only condition my aunt imposed on us was to go out with Brenda and her boyfriend, they always waited for me at the bakery door to pretend that all four of us spent the evening together. However, as we turned the first corner we went our separate ways. After scouring the city for a place to enjoy some privacy, Elwyn dared to ask me if I wouldn’t mind going with him to where he lived. Although I wanted to, I was fully aware that proposal would get me closer to a border I mustn’t cross. Finally I agreed but I set some conditions he promised to comply with. At least we wouldn’t be cold in his room.

Each day by his side I found it more and more difficult to go back to my aunt’s house. That room felt like my home. We spent the evenings lying on the bed in each other’s arms, with him trying to go a step further and me setting the boundaries against my will, so I chose to keep asking him questions.

‘I still don’t know anything about you. When are you going to tell me about your family? I don’t even know where you were born.’

Elwyn glanced at me with that smile that drove me so crazy. It seemed like he never found the right moment to talk about that matter. In the end I understood why.

‘So the young lady wants to know where I come from. There’ll be time to talk about that.’

After several days of insisting, one evening he came with a letter.

‘What’s this?’ I asked confused.

‘If you’re so interested in learning about my origins, here you have everything written. Read it tonight and tomorrow if you don’t want to be with me, I’ll understand.’

I don’t think I could have stopped loving him, even if he’d confessed to being a murderer in that letter, but the truth is that his words scared me. What reason could he hide for me to decide to break up with him?

The day after, I saw him sitting on the bench opposite the bakery. He didn’t even dare to wait for me at the door as he did every day. When it was time to close, I changed my clothes and came out to meet him. Just as he saw me, he got up and clenched his fists tight. He was nervous. I started to walk slowly towards him but when I saw his rueful complexion, I ran to hug him. His arms held me so tightly that I could hardly breathe.

‘How could you think that I’d leave you after reading the letter you wrote me?’ I reproached him angrily.

‘Thank you,’ he said with a choking voice. ‘You can’t imagine what a horrible night and a distressful day I’ve been through. I don’t know what I’d do if you left me.’

‘I’ll never, you hear me? I’ll never stop loving you.’

‘And I’ll never stop loving you either.’

Only death would have made us break our promises.

It wasn’t even two months after we had met when Brenda came in the bakery one morning with a vacant expression on her face. As I saw her I got afraid thinking she might be ill. She was pale, with shadows under her eyes and she had lost weight.

‘What’s wrong, Brenda?’ I asked her while I took her by her arms. My aunt was serving, so I took the chance to go outdoors and talk with her in private.

‘They’re leaving,’ she said with a wandering gaze. ‘He can’t leave me like this. He can’t go now.’

‘What are you saying?’ I asked her, unaware of what she meant.

‘They’re leaving,’ she told me again, looking into my eyes. ‘They’ve joined the army, Colin and Elwyn. In two days, they’ll set off for the South.’

No matter how hard I tried to speak, words wouldn’t come out. That couldn’t be true. Elwyn would have told me.

‘Colin’s said that Elwyn will tell you too this evening.’

I looked back at her while I kept clutching her arms to stop myself from falling. The abandonment I had managed to forget during those two months fell like an unstoppable millstone upon me. I hugged Brenda, wailing. He couldn’t leave me like this either.

When I saw him coming to the bakery that evening, I went out to meet him. His features confirmed that Brenda had spoken the truth. I ran to him but not to hug him. This time I raised my fists to hit him. Before I did he grasped my wrists and stopped me. I burst into tears hopelessly. When he realised that my arms had given up the fight, he hugged me.

‘Why are you doing this to me?’ I asked him, sobbing.

‘Because it’s what I have to do. Don’t you understand? I can’t stay and do nothing while those Germans keep bombing our cities. What if you die?’

‘What if you die?’ I shouted clenching my fists again.

‘I won’t, I promise. We’ll end this damned war once and for all. I’ll come back for you, I’ll marry you whether your aunt likes it or not and we’ll raise a family.’

‘My father didn’t come back and see what my life has become. If you don’t return, I don’t think I’ll be able to go on.’

‘Don’t say that, you hear me? Look at me,’ he said as he grasped my arms and shook me. ‘I’m coming back; I’m coming back for you. I promise.’

I hardly had the strength to stand on my feet so I clung to him crying hopelessly.

‘Tomorrow I’ll spend the night with you,’ I whispered without even thinking of the consequences. He squeezed me in his arms while my aunt stared at us from the bakery.

The next day I acted as if it was any ordinary day. When my working day was done, I went up to my bedroom to change my clothes, but this time I chose my outfit much more thoughtfully. I said goodbye to my aunt as if I was going to come back for dinner two hours later but, by the way she looked at me, I supposed that she suspected something. As I went out of the door I realised I had embarked on a road of no return.

Elwyn was waiting for me at the park. His face showed the feelings of uncertainty and nervousness. When I got to him, I kissed his lips shyly. That simple gestured made him realise that I hadn’t got cold feet. I’d never kissed him in the middle of the street before. He smiled at me and without a second to lose he took my hand and we started walking. He lived on Stratford Rd, two blocks away from me. We didn’t exchange a single word along the way. I didn’t even think of my aunt or the punishment that would be waiting for me the next day, at that moment the only thing that worried me was living up to the occasion, but most of all that Elwyn would come back. As we arrived at the front door of an inn, we came to a halt.

‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ Elwyn asked me nervously.

‘Quite sure,’ I answered with a smile.

‘Above all, don’t say you’re sixteen. Petey is a nice fellow but he may back off if he learns how young you are. I’ve told him a lot about you, so he almost knows you already.’

‘Are we spending the night in this inn? I thought we were going to your bedroom,’ I said, surprised.

‘No. There’s no privacy there and I don’t want any of my flatmates to bother us.’

I took his hand and smiled my consent. Maybe he was right. As we got in we saw the reception was empty. We both looked left along the long corridor ending at the pub from where the owner saw us. He finished serving a couple of pints, his eyes fixed on me, and, with a smile I couldn’t explain, came limping slowly in our direction.

‘Welcome, Little Turner,’ he said just as he arrived by our side.

‘Do you know me?’ I asked, surprised at what he’d called me.

‘I said I’ve told him a lot about you,’ Elwyn replied. ‘He’s the one who encouraged me to go to the bakery every day until your aunt got tired of me and let you go out with me.’

‘Yes, you told me, but he called me Little Turner and only my father called me that. Did you know him?’ I asked him.

‘More than you can imagine. And speaking of family, what do you think your aunt’s going to do when she finds out that I’ve given you a room?’ he said, raising a brow and twisting his mouth.

‘There’s no reason to tell her. If she asks me, I’ll say I spent the night in Elwyn’s room, because whether it’s here or elsewhere I intend to spend the night with him. Tomorrow in the early morning, he’s setting off for the South and I don’t know when he’ll come back. Tonight is all we have left.’

‘You’ve got your mother’s eyes and apparently your father’s determination. Tonight you’ll sleep in my inn. The kitchen is already closed but I’ve saved some dinner for you. I’ll send it upstairs straight away.’

Elwyn couldn’t understand what was happening. ‘So, you know her?’ he asked in surprise.

‘Of course I do. And rest assured that if I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t have allowed you to get close to her.’

‘I see. So I’ve been fooled unknowingly. I’ve kept telling you things about her and you were pretending not to know anything. By the way, I appreciate the dinner but I’m not sure if I can pay for everything,’ Elwyn said, downhearted.

‘Don’t worry. Room and dinner are already more than paid for. Consider it a farewell present.’

‘Thank you very much, Petey.’

‘Where are you being sent, lad?’

‘I don’t know yet, our orders are just to set off for the coast, I guess they’ll give us a target once there.’

‘Damned Germans. When will they realise that we won’t let them set foot on our land? Do me a favour, boy, and come back safe and sound, I don’t want you to leave this girl alone, understand?’

‘I will come back. Have no doubt about it. Thanks a lot, Peter, for everything.’

‘Room fourteen, here’s the key, upstairs second door on the left. I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow, Little Turner, for a very early breakfast,’ he said, attempting a smile. ‘I’ll enjoy recalling memories of your parents.’

‘Thank you very much, Peter. I’m looking forward to it,’ I answered enthusiastically.

‘Go, up with you, I’ll send some dinner in a minute.’

‘See you tomorrow,’ we both replied in unison.

When we got to the room, Elwyn opened the door, looked at me and invited me in with a smile. The room was small, but the heat flowing from the one radiator and the thick carpet covering the whole floor made it very cosy. I sighed and closed my eyes. If only I were living a reunion and not a farewell. Every piece of furniture was in perfect harmony. The double bed was covered with immaculate white linen under several layers of blankets and a crocheted bedspread on top. On the back of the room there was a wooden wardrobe that shone as if newly varnished. The window, looking at the main street, let the light in through thin lace curtains meant to give the room a little privacy. There was a round table next to the door with two chairs, a kettle, two cups with their correspondent teaspoons, tea, sugar and biscuits. Without a second thought, I turned to him and asked him what I already knew, just to hear it again.

‘You’ll come back for me, won’t you? Because you love me.’

‘Elisabeth, I’m crazy about you. I love you so much that I can only think of the day of my return to never be apart again. I’ll write to you every day I can, that way I’ll feel I’m talking to you. Will you write to me too?’

‘Every day, whether I have an address for where I can send you the letters or not.’

The tension of the moment made me cry. Elwyn came closer to me but before he could hold me to comfort me, there was a knock at the door. I turned and went to the window. Elwyn opened it and there was a woman, no more than thirty years old, with the dinner Peter had saved for us. She gave it to him and said goodbye with a wink. Elwyn thanked her with a smile of complicity. He put the tray on the table and came close to me. He leant his body against my back and hugged me around my waist. I’d have spent hours like that. His lips didn’t take long to start going all over my neck with sweet, slow and endless kisses. That moment was too special to ruin by thinking of what the future held for us. I had to get all the fear that subdued me out of my mind and seize the moment and, maybe, make sure our love wouldn’t be lost with time. I turned around with determination, willing to give myself to him. Elwyn took my face tenderly and kissed my lips, but the stubborn sense of decency that I couldn’t shake off me made him believe that I was having second thoughts. Elwyn stopped kissing me and looked at me confused.

‘I’d better take you home,’ he said, walking to the door with his head down.

‘But why?’ I asked hopelessly, not understanding the reason for that change.

‘I don’t want to force you into something you don’t want to do and much less into something that would lead to consequences.’

‘I am where I want to be, do you hear me? And no possible consequence will make me change my mind.’

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little embarrassed, but who isn’t for their first time? I unbuttoned my coat and dropped it on the chair with my eyes fixed on him. With great effort, finally I buried the modesty in my mind and started to undress in front of him. I unzipped my dress and let it fall to my feet to show him the slip I’ve been saving for so long for a special moment like this. I took off my shoes. I unclipped my suspender belt and took it off along with my stockings while he began to undress. I slowly pulled down the shoulder strap of my slip until it fell to my feet. The expression in his eyes as he saw my body naked made me blush so much that I crossed my arms to cover my breasts. Elwyn decided to switch off the light and left the room in shadow so I could feel more at ease. He came close to me, held out his hand and as I took it we began to walk slowly to the bed. While he pulled back the blankets for us to lie down, I took off the last piece of underwear I still wore.

I remember that when I got to that point, I slammed shut my mother’s diary. I was ashamed to read on. I made an attempt to return it to the trunk and forget all about it because I felt I was usurping her privacy, but then I reconsidered. I was fourteen already. I was no longer a child. If my mother discovered that I had read it, I would say I skipped that part unread. I didn’t want for the world that my mother should feel ashamed, so I opened it again, turned the pages slowly until I got to where I had left it and went on reading.

When he turned around to let me lie down first, he found me facing him completely naked and covering the part of my body that he most desired at that moment with my hands. Without thinking twice, I settled on the bed to seek refuge under the sheets, not knowing for certain if the heat that was suffocating me was from blushing or desire. When I saw how he was taking off his underwear, I turned my face. I think he appreciated that, as he grew uncomfortable for the first time seeing how he couldn’t control his excitement. Sheltered under the sheets, we looked at each other, both unable to take the first step.

‘Are you scared?’ Elwyn asked almost in a whisper.

‘Only of you not coming back.’

‘I’ll come back. I promise.’

‘I know. I love you.’

As he heard my last words he sat up slightly to look at me but before he could take the initiative, I put my arm around him and kissed him. The shy and chaste Elisabeth that I had been had just surrendered to her body’s desire to discover, for the first time, what it meant to make love. My lips started to kiss him, marking the beginning of a journey intended to be slow and pleasurable. A journey of discovery chosen by fate to join us forever. Elwyn put his arm around me, kissing me, while he caressed me all over with his other arm. My whole skin constricted at the first touch I felt on my breast. When he went lower to kiss it I thought the heat growing inside my body had reached the top. My legs, which had remained stiffly together, began to loosen and spread slowly, sliding smoothly over the sheet. To him, that move represented an open door allowing him to enter a so far forbidden region. His hand rolled down my belly towards my groin in a soft caress. As he touched the hair announcing the arrival at his destination I closed my legs at once. Without going back the slightest bit of the covered distance, Elwyn looked at me with a smile that inspired me with confidence.

‘I’m sorry,’ I apologised, abashed.

‘Don’t apologise and don’t be afraid,’ he said, getting closer to kiss me.

With no haste and a controlled patience, he waited for me to relax. His kisses didn’t take long to work. I gradually slid my legs open again to give myself to him for good. He resumed his path until his fingers slipped inside my body. I shuddered out of control. I wanted to moan in pleasure but his mouth, kissing me passionately, drowned out my moans with his. We had just stepped beyond the point of no return. Now the only thing I wanted was to let him get inside me but he didn’t seem to be in a hurry. His fingers started to move rhythmically while my breathing raced until I had to stop kissing him to catch enough air. His mouth went back to my breast without wasting a second. He seemed to be tremendously excited but he still didn’t want to take the final step. His fingers made me lose control. My hips began to move driven by a natural wisdom. I thought it was impossible to feel any more heat but with every new sensation I realised that I hadn’t reached the end. The rocking of my immature hips provoked in Elwyn the lustful need to get lost in my sex before entering it. With a sudden movement guided by an uncontrollable excitation, he threw away the blankets that covered us and kneeled facing my groin, putting his arms around my thighs. I sat up immediately to prevent him from carrying out that act which embarrassed me so much but his firm grip wouldn’t let me withdraw the slightest bit. The motions of his tongue made me gradually forget the prejudices that haunted me. I closed my eyes and dropped down on the bed to give myself completely to that forbidden discovery. My whole body was at the edge of an abyss of pleasure into which I craved to fall. I clung to my hair as if I trusted I wouldn’t lose my head this way. My panting and groaning were just the encouragement he needed to go on. Up to when? My whole body was discovering new experiences unknown to me that were driving me to an exciting madness. I wanted to shout, I wanted to beg him not to stop. I was getting to something new that wouldn’t stop growing. My legs became tense; I dropped my hands to the sheets to twist them tightly until an immense pleasure flooded inside me and made me shake over and over again.

I didn’t dare to look at him. I was so embarrassed that I covered my face with my hands. My legs flopped onto the bed and gradually my breathing started to find some peace. Elwyn didn’t let me rest. He threw himself on top of me with feline agility. I embraced him and spread my legs as much as I could. His look revealed so much excitation that I was scared of being hurt. I know he wanted to go slowly but he couldn’t control himself either, so with no time for a truce he ploughed inside me breaking the barrier that separated us to feel each other time after time. I found it impossible to restrain a scream of passionate pain, which I managed to subside by digging my nails into his back. After that first moment, I received the consecutive thrusts with total devotion, as if it were a prelude to my eternal union with him. Elwyn’s pleasure was expressed through constant moans that made me forget the pain inflicted upon me. He shoved harder and harder, as if he wanted to reach my innermost recesses. I bit my lip to keep quiet and submissive. I tried to think what I could do to give him more pleasure but I could barely move under the weight of his body. My legs couldn’t spread any wider but I could lift them instead. My hands released his back to get hold of my thighs and lift them as much as possible. He seemed to like this change because he began to move faster. The new position hurt and stung but nevertheless I liked it. I seemed to be beyond reason. He searched for my mouth desperately to get lost in a wet, salty kiss of sheer lust. He squeezed me, thrust into me, broke me but I was determined to give myself to him totally until he finally spilt himself inside me.

For some seconds we remained in each other’s arms. Elwyn whispered a sincere I love you that widened my soul. Love, fear and hopelessness took over our bodies in a relentless fight of power. He settled by my side and I took shelter in his arms. It was then when I dared to ask about the bandage on his arm.

‘What happened to you? Are you hurt?’ I asked concernedly.

‘No, well, yes, but it’s already healed up. Why don’t you take off the bandage and have a look? You might like it,’ he told me, showing his dimples.

Surprised by his words, I removed the dressing to find, to my complete astonishment, my face tattooed on his arm.

‘If I take the photo you gave me with me, it might be lost, stolen or broken. This way I make sure I’ll always carry you with me.’

‘Elwyn, I don’t know what to say. It’s the last thing I expected, but to be honest, I love it. I love you. You know that, don’t you? I’ll never be able to love somebody like I love you.’

Elwyn’s look became crystallised but before his eyes were clouded, he hugged me and kissed my forehead.

‘I love you too, my Little Turner. No one would ever take your place. Come what may, you’ll always be the only one. Don’t you ever forget it.’

We stayed in each other’s arms until we could control our tears. We only had that night left to be together. Less than ten minutes had gone by when we decided to savour the dinner Peter had sent. I got up, put just my slip on to cover my body and set the table. We had a tasty shepherd’s pie facing each other, barely talking, seized by the anguish of the future ahead. When we’d finished eating, I made some tea to go with the scones. Elwyn’s lips stained with jam were a perfect excuse to sit on him and start kissing him until we ended up making love on that chair, while the night advanced relentlessly. Back on the bed we hugged and began talking to stay awake.

‘When I come back from war, I intend to finish my carpentry classes and, who knows, I may end up teaching at some school. I don’t see myself carving screws in a factory all my life, to be honest.’

‘And what will you do with me?’ I asked, uncertain.

‘With you? Well, simply as soon as I arrive the first thing I’ll do is ask you to marry me and if your aunt stops me, I’ll get you pregnant so she’ll have no choice but to give in. You should know that I plan to start a big family.’

‘How big?’ I asked.

‘Five children seem alright to you?’

‘Five?’ I said, surprised.

‘Yes, five looks like a good number and I even know the names already.’

‘Tell me.’

‘I’d like to call our first-born Philip because I think it’s a name with class. The rest will be easy, Robert and Barbara after your parents, Jennifer after your aunt…’

‘You want to name one of our daughters after my aunt, after the way she’s treating us?’

‘Yes, it’ll be a lesson to her she won’t forget. And if finally I convince you to have a fifth child, I’d like to call him Colin, like my friend. What do you think?’

‘The idea of using my parents’ names thrills me. What about yours, won’t they be annoyed?’

‘Fortunately, they’re still alive and I seriously doubt they’d get upset. And we’ll live happily until death do us part.’

‘Don’t say that,’ I told him, afraid.

‘Elisabeth, look at me. I’m not dying in this war. I’ll die, sure, but as an old man and by your side. We have a long life ahead and many things to do. I’m not letting anyone or anything come between us, so you have no choice but to wait for me. You will, won’t you?’

‘Yes, I will,’ I replied with glassy eyes.

‘Come on, give me a kiss and try to get some sleep.’

‘No, I don’t want to sleep.’

‘All right then, we’ll stay awake until sunrise.’

Dawn light broke in the room to announce that farewell time was coming. The lump clasping my throat forced me to cry. Elwyn couldn’t speak either. We made love slowly, as passionately as if it were the last time. Then we got dressed surrounded by a deathly silence that was only broken to say goodbye.

‘Elisabeth, please, don’t cry, don’t make it harder. Let your smile be the last image I have of you,’ he begged me with flooded eyes.

With a gasped sigh, I managed to stop my tears and give a faint smile burdened with sorrow and fear. ‘You’ll be careful, won’t you?’ I begged. ‘Why, I’m so stupid, how can you be careful in the middle of war? Please, fight with all of your strength, but to come back to me as soon as possible. Will you?’

‘I promise. Be strong, don’t ever lose hope because I’ll return, you hear me? No matter what, I’ll come back for you. Dream of the first sunrise we’ll watch together to never be apart again. You can’t imagine how painful to me is to go away from you. I love you so much. Don’t you ever forget it.’

‘I will. I’ll dream of that sunrise until I live it with you. I love you.’

We clasped each other in a close embrace filled with passion and uncertainty. Elwyn looked at me, kissed my lips shyly and disappeared through the door with a steady pace and not even stopping to close it. The abandonment that came back to stay made me tremble like a helpless child in a world that didn’t care about her life. Anguish made me run to the door to go downstairs and hug him again, but when I heard Peter talking to him, I stood by the door to listen.

‘Don’t be ashamed to cry. It’s the most normal thing. Here, I’ve made you something to eat for the journey.’

‘Thank you very much, Petey,’ Elwyn replied. ‘You’re very kind. I appreciate your hospitality and last night’s dinner very much. May I ask you one last favour?’

‘I’ve been doing it ever since Robert asked me before he went to France, just as you’re going to ask me now. Don’t worry about Elisabeth, I’ll take care of her until you come back, but do come back. Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it this time. Be strong, lad, and come back soon. Come on, let me give you a hug.’

‘Goodbye, Peter, and thanks for everything.’

As I heard him leave, I went to the window. I had a knot in my stomach that hardly let me breathe. I opened the curtains to lean my hands and forehead against the cold glass. Elwyn was walking across the street with determination when he suddenly stopped and turned to look at me. He saw me leaning against the window with the palms of my hands open. He stood still, looking at me for a moment, until he finally raised his hand to say goodbye. He kissed his fingers and pointed them at me. I couldn’t move. I just cried and shook. I saw him clenching his hand tightly. He turned around and started walking to the train station to meet Colin.

I received his last kiss with the bitter feeling that I wouldn’t see him again for a long time. Tears clouded my sight. I closed my eyes because the sole idea of watching him go away was tearing me apart. I cried, not caring about being heard because I felt lonely and abandoned again. Strength disappeared from my body and left me fragile and vulnerable. Gradually, I dropped onto the floor until my body settled like a rag doll. Loneliness had returned to my life with the strong determination to stay with me for a long time. At least I could count on Peter now.

I closed the notebook slowly and put it on the floor beside me. My mother’s past, which I had just discovered, made me weep hopelessly as I became aware of how much my mother would have suffered years ago. I understood many things at that moment. She had a reason to be the way she was. I curled up under my blanket because I was cold but, although it was well into the night, I didn’t feel like sleeping anymore. I couldn’t go back to my room without first learning something more about my mother’s true love.

I discovered in her writings that my name wasn’t chosen at random but rather to fulfil a dream that had been left half done. I was overwhelmed by the endless questions, feelings and sadness that battled in my mind. I loved John, my father, but my mother’s words made a part of my heart begin to love Elwyn. I needed to know him. I wanted to know what he was like and how he died. I dried my tears with my hands, leaned over the trunk and got out a bunch of letters tied with a ribbon. Addressee: Elisabeth Turner; sender: Elwyn Griffiths-Jones, my father.