Читать книгу The Sinner - Eliza Margaret Humphreys - Страница 3

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THE new nurse stood in her little room in the great hospital, arrayed for the first time in the unfamiliar dress of her order.

The lilac print gown, the white apron, the little cap, gave a touch of Puritanism to the mignonne face and figure. They were infinitely becoming to the bright colouring of the one, the rounded proportions of the other. She was a little creature, with an expression of youth and innocence that robbed her of an actual age by several years. In reality twenty-two, she looked scarcely seventeen. There was something appealing in the large blue dark-lashed eyes, the full, rather tremulous lips, the smallness and daintiness of the childlike hands that looked too frail and weak to cope with the duties she had voluntarily undertaken. Yet there were strength and purpose in brow and chin that belied the first impression of helplessness.

And she was a resolute little person in her way, with a strong sense of life's meaning, an ardent desire to do something in that life that should lift her above the idle, the common place, and frivolous of her sex.

It had surprised no one more that the relatives to whose care she had been intrusted, when Nellie Nugent had declared her intention of joining the Nursing Sisters; and in the face of opposition, ridicule and difficulty had achieved her purpose. The very doctor by whose influence she was in the big London hospital had begun by laughing at her ambition. He had believed that her first lover, her first ball, would have knocked this 'nonsense,' as he termed it, out of the pretty little head.

But he had been wrong. Steadily, unceasingly, the girl set to work to accomplish what had become a real desire to be of some service to humanity. And now, after years of waiting, study, and perseverance, she found herself on the first step of that proposed journey.

She was to work for two years in this hospital—work at the meanest, humblest duties, such as she had seen relegated to servants; to bow her haughty little head to discipline; to undertake any office she was told, unquestioningly; to discard fine clothes—the dainty prettiness of fashionable dress; and give all her time and care and thought to the service of strangers and outcasts.

She thought of this as she stood before the glass gazing thoughtfully at her own reflection.

'I wonder what it will be like?' she said to herself. 'I wonder if anything important will ever happen? It all feels so strange now. But it is my own doing. I hope I shall never regret. I feel almost like a nun taking the vows. I wonder——'

A knock at the door broke upon the current of surmise. She turned from the glass, 'Come in,' she said.

A nurse entered. She was a woman of six or seven and twenty. Dark-skinned, dark-eyed, tall, with a strong, serious-looking face, a contrast in every way to the small, bright creature before her.

'Ah, you are dressed,' she said, in a deep ringing voice, 'and you have unpacked? That's right. I am glad you are so expeditious. The matron has asked me to look after you. Would you like to see our ward? You are with me, you know.'

'Am I? I am glad of that,' said the girl frankly. 'Yes, I am quite ready. I should like to see the ward.'

'We have an hour before supper,' continued the newcomer. 'I must introduce myself,' she added, with a frank smile. 'I am Sister Gray—Deborah Gray is my name. Yours is Nugent, I know, and you come from Dublin, do you not?'

'I do,' said Nellie.

'I hope we shall be friends, I like Irish people so much. I have known several in my time. If you ever feel homesick for sound of "the brogue,"' she added, smilingly, 'you will only have to pay a visit to the accident ward. There is sure to be one or more of your compatriots there. They seem to have a monopoly of broken heads and limbs.'

'Oh, they are dreadful people,' laughed Nellie. 'I am not at all anxious to renew acquaintance with them, I assure you.'

She glanced round the tiny room to see that everything was neatly stored away. The space was almost as limited as in a ship's cabin; the furniture was of the plainest description.

Then she followed her new acquaintance into the long, bare corridor, and out of the nurse's quarters into the hospital itself.

There were about ten beds in the cool, whitewashed ward. They were all occupied but one, and the occupants were all men.

Nellie noted that fact with surprise. She had not expected to be put on to the male ward as her first experience of hospital nursing.

Sister Gray moved about from one bed to another, asking questions, or saying a cheery word to the sufferers.

'There are no bad cases here now,' she said to Nellie. 'But we have had two or three very serious; one fatal, yesterday—typhoid.'

She looked at the empty bed significantly. Nellie felt a sudden chill come over her. Death, as an abstract thing, is so different to the tragedy of an actual fact. She stood a moment or two by the vacant bed while Deborah Gray went on talking to one of the nurses in charge.

They glanced with some curiosity at the new comer. She was so young, and so very pretty. They thought both facts told against any use or proficiency in the profession she had chosen. Some of them put it down as of the 'fads' of modern young ladyism, wearied of ballrooms, or a martyr to slighted affections.

Suddenly the door of the ward opened, and a sister entered hurriedly.

'You have a vacant bed here,' she said. 'Yes, I see, No. 7. Someone is just coming in. Here, quick,'—and she turned to Nellie:— 'Turn down the sheets. Ah, you are the new nurse! Let me see what you can do? Get the basin and sponge, and, Sister Gray, show her where the waterproof sheet is.'

The patient was brought in as she spoke. He was wrapped in a blanket, and lying on a trolly, which a man rolled into the ward. Meanwhile Nellie had collected the articles the sister mentioned, and brought them to the bedside.

'Slip off his shirt and wash him,' was the next order. 'Where's the hot water? Why didn't you bring that at the same time? There's the tap over there in the corridor. Dear me, how slow you are.'

Sister Gray came to the girl's assistance, but the head sister insisted on her washing the patient, while she stood over her, critical and impatient, as was her wont with the novices.

It was a hateful business, Nellie thought, but she had to do it. Nursing takes no count of sex or fine feelings. The man was young, but so wasted and haggard—so dishevelled and ghastly an object—that it was impossible to guess what he was like.

'Enteric fever,' said the house surgeon, when he had examined the patient. 'A bad case—neglected, I should say. He was brought from some low lodging-house in Westminster.' He gave the necessary directions as to medicine and diet, spoke to the nurse as to the expected symptoms, and then left the ward.

Nellie remained standing by the side of the bed. She felt very sad and very compassionate. The man's hot, restless hands, slender almost to emaciation, moved ceaselessly over the coverlet. His head, from which the matted fair locks had been cut, tossed to and fro on the pillows. Disjointed words fell from the parched and blackened lips.

'Come,' whispered Sister Gray, softly; 'you have done all you need for to-night. Here comes the nurse who will take charge of him. We can go.'

'Just one moment,' pleaded the girl, 'let me see him take the drink. He keeps moaning for water.'

Sister Gray looked amused.

'You'll never do for here,' she said, 'if you let your sympathies run away with your duty. The day nurses do nothing after nine o'clock, and considering we rise before five, we are fully entitled to the relief. Come along, I must show you where the bandages and things are kept. The sister in charge will expect you to know all that to-morrow. By the way, is this the first time you ever washed a sick person?'

'Yes,' said the girl, colouring faintly. 'Why?'

'Oh, I thought it must be,' said the other, drily. 'From the way you went to work. You can't afford the time to be so very gentle in a hospital, my dear.'

Nellie said nothing, only followed her from place to place, noticing the taps for hot or cold water, the cupboards and presses where all the necessary articles were stored, marvelling at the beautiful cleanliness and order of it all.

By that time the hour for supper had arrived, and Deborah Gray took her down to the airy, cheerful room, where the day nurses were congregated. The meal consisted of tinned meats, salad, and bread and cheese. Syphons of aerated water and jugs of milk stood at intervals down the long table. Everything was very plain and homely. 'You can have ale or stout,' said Deborah Gray, as she saw Nellie glance hesitatingly at the bottles.

The girl would have given anything for a cup of tea. She had tasted nothing since the mid-day luncheon at her aunt's in Hampstead, where she had been staying. However, she had not courage to ask for what was evidently against the rules, and so took some milk and soda-water. She had no appetite, and it would have required something more inviting than bread and cheese or 'Libby' to tempt her to eat on this hot August night. She played with a morsel of bread on her plate, and took in with quick ears and eyes the discussions and faces around the table. She marvelled they could all be so merry and so talkative—so readily throw off the anxieties and horrors of the day—so easily discuss 'cases' and lose sight of the suffering personality the word embodied.

'I see you are wondering at us,' said her new friend, presently. 'You will be just the same by-and-by. It doesn't do to let oneself take this life in too serious a fashion. Why we would wear ourselves out body and mind if we did. This is our hour of recreation and forgetfulness. We have done our best; the day's work is over. It is our playtime, if we like to make it so.'

'Have you been a nurse long?' asked Nell.

'Yes,' said Deborah Gray. 'I was at a hospital in Manchester for many years. Then I came to London.'

'And, at first?' asked Nell, timidly.

'Oh, at first I thought it was dreadful. I used to cry myself to sleep over the sufferings I witnessed. But I soon learnt the folly of that. Now I can go through anything—operations, accidents, horrors of all sorts, and not "turn a hair" as men say. One has to train one's nerves. Tears are the refuge of amateur nurses whose heartstrings tremble at every change. We professionals can't afford that luxury. Humanity and science have so much to learn, and gain, that a "case" becomes possessed of quite impersonal interest. You feel its importance for a cause more than its horrors as a result. Here, especially,' she added, 'we get terrible patients. Such loathsome, degraded, filthy objects are brought in that one wonders if they are human beings at all.'

'I wonder who that man is that was brought to our ward,' said Nellie, thoughtfully. 'I can't help fancying he is a gentleman. His hands were not common hands.'

'No. I noticed that. Perhaps he is a gentleman, in very low water, I should say, poor fellow. Where did they say he came from?'

'Near Westminster, I believe.'

'Ah, very likely. Poverty has its own fashionable quarters. Were you interested in him?'

'Well, he was my first patient,' said the girl, smiling.

'I hope,' said Sister Gray, 'that you may not be his last nurse.'

Nellie started; her wide blue eyes looked appealingly at the speaker.

'Oh, you don't think he will die?' she exclaimed.

'I should say there was every chance of it,' was the quiet answer. 'I know the symptoms. He was as bad as he could possibly be.'

'He shall not die if I can help it,' said the girl with sudden decision. 'The first case I have had anything to do with here. I should think it awfully unlucky.'

'Ah, you are superstitious, like most of your nation,' said Deborah Gray. 'That, also, you will get out of here. It is a fine school for nerves and coolness, and the shattering of all little feminine weaknesses. Not that we are heartless, by any means; but we learn to cultivate common sense and to banish emotions. When you begin to take a scientific interest in your patients it need not lessen your sympathy, but be sure it will weaken it.'

Nell looked at her with wondering curiosity. There was something hard and resolute about the dark, earnest face, and yet the eyes were kind, she thought—too kind to be strangers to the weakness at which she scoffed.

Deborah Gray was, in fact, an enthusiast in the profession she had adopted. Had she been a man she would have selected the medical profession above all others. Being a woman she had made up her mind to be one of the first nurses of the day. Her coolness and skill and nerve had won her notice already among the doctors whose cases she had undertaken. She was known as entirely reliable in the operating ward, even when much older and more experienced nurses failed. She had had several years' experience in a Manchester hospital before coming to this famous London one, and she was rather surprised that a novice like Nellie Nugent had managed to get in. But she had taken a strong liking to the pretty Irish girl, and when Deborah Gray took such a liking it generally meant she had good reasons for doing so. She was an excellent judge of character, and if her keen intellect and good sense sometimes erred on the side of hardness to what she termed 'headless noodles,' on the other hand she was very ready to acknowledge the merits of her associates.

She was a great favourite with the matron and the house surgeon. The wildest or most frivolous student never chaffed Sister Gray, or treated her with anything but grave respect. If she was without the feminine attractions of beauty and gentleness, she made up for it by the frank, generous spirit of 'camaraderie' which so many women lack; by her intelligence, and straight-forward plain speaking. One felt she was a woman of purpose, a believer in earnest well-doing; no dreamer or idler or romancist; just a useful woman in her right groove, and thankful she had found it.

When supper was over she introduced Nell to several of the other nurses, and chatted away in friendly fashion till bedtime.

Then she went up with Nellie to her room. Her own was next to it.

'The lights must be out by half-past ten,' she said, as she bade her good-night. 'I hope you will be able to sleep. I know it must all seem strange at first. You will be called before five o'clock. Be as quick as you can dressing, and strip your bed and open the ventilators, and leave your room tidy. You will have to sweep and dust it yourself after breakfast. Now good-night. I won't keep you talking.'

They shook hands, and Nell went into her tiny chamber and commenced to undress. It certainly was all very strange, as Deborah Gray had said. Very different to a girl's home life, very different to her rose-coloured dreams of what it would be. These hateful duties, these brisk unsympathetic women, these strict rules, the plain unappetising food. They were all painful realities, and yet she was glad she had carried her point and come here. Her parents were dead, her sisters were married and gone abroad. Her aunt in Dublin, with whom she had lived, had a large family of her own, and Nell had always felt the 'one too many' there. She had tried governessing, but that had proved a hateful experience, and then she had resolved on becoming a nurse.

And a nurse she was in real earnest, with a two years' novitiate before her. She hung up the lilac print dress, and folded the cap and apron neatly and carefully, and began to brush out the long soft coils of her red-brown hair. Her face looked pale and grave, her rosy mouth was set in firm lines of resolve.

'I'll go through with it, I'm determined,' she said. 'It is the best thing to do with my life, for I shall never marry—now.'

The 'now' held a meaning of its own—the meaning that a girl's heart gives to some idol of clay—dethroned, shattered, yet unforgotten.

A poet's fancy has commemorated the fact that it is better to have 'loved and lost' than never to have loved at all, but he says nothing about having loved unworthily.

There had been no shadow of inconstancy in Nell's bright and trusting spirit, but it had met with poor return. She had loved and fancied herself beloved; and then had come suspicion—disillusion—a quick, fierce battle with pride—and all was over.

They had parted. He had gone his way, and she—well, she was now only Nurse Nugent in a big hospital, with the badge of professional servitude staring at her from the peg in the wardrobe, and the sense of lost liberty ringing in her ears in the mandate echoing through the long corridor—'All lights out!'