Читать книгу You've Got Male - Elizabeth Bevarly - Страница 11

IT WAS ONLY ONCE THEY were over that Avery could really get a handle on what happened during her panic attacks. In the calm of the aftermath, she could recall the dizziness, the disorientation, the sheer, unmitigated terror. She could recall how her entire body trembled and perspired, could remember the paralysis of speech and interruption of breath. She could recollect the pain behind her eyes, the insensible workings of her brain, her certainty that she was going to die. Usually when she came out of an attack, she was curled into a fetal position on the floor of the shower stall or in the back of a closet, and she had a towel or article of clothing pressed hard against her mouth. That last, she’d always figured, was an unconscious effort to keep the psychological screaming from escaping through actual cries from her mouth.

But this latest panic attack, she realized as she gradually emerged from the fog, had been different. For one thing, she couldn’t remember ever fighting with corporeal monsters during one before. And she couldn’t recall ever shouting aloud threats to faceless menaces. Nor had she ever come out of an attack lying spread-eagle on her back, on a bare cot beneath a stark white fluorescent light, her wrists and ankles wrapped in leather restraints. Nor had she ever found herself being stared at from above by someone like Santiago Dixon, who seemed to be as breathless, as terrified and as insensate as she.

So this was a definite first.

“What happened?” she asked when she was coherent enough to manage it.

Before the question even left her mouth, though, she knew. Vaguely she remembered pounding on Dixon’s back and yanking at his hair and screaming something about how she would place certain parts of his anatomy into a variety of equipment normally reserved for torture and/or food processing. And also something about lepers and gargoyles. That part wasn’t too clear at the moment, so maybe he could help her fill in the blanks later.

But he didn’t help her out at all, only gazed at her in wide-eyed silence, as if he couldn’t quite figure out who or what she was. Then, “What happened?” he echoed incredulously.

She nodded weakly.

He shook his head almost imperceptibly, in clear disbelief. “You just about beat the hell outta me, that’s what happened. And you nearly gave my partner a concussion.” He jutted a thumb over his shoulder and glared at her some more. “And there are a couple of nurses out there filling out paperwork to enroll themselves in art school.”

“Oh,” Avery said. “I’m sorry.”

His lips parted marginally in surprise, but he said nothing more. His hat and jacket were gone, she noticed, and without them he seemed less menacing somehow. Until she bumped her gaze up to his face again and saw those cold green eyes and the jet-black hair spilling over his forehead. He seemed to be staring straight into her soul. And he seemed to not like what he saw there.

“Really,” she tried again. “I am sorry. I don’t usually attack people when that happens.”

“When what happens?” he demanded gruffly. “Just what the hell was that anyway? You were totally out of control.”

She hesitated, not wanting to share any part of herself with a total stranger she didn’t trust. Most especially she didn’t want to share the damaged part. Not that there were many parts of Avery that weren’t at least a little impaired. But he wasn’t the sort of person who would understand any of that. He was handsome, savvy, intelligent, confident. He wasn’t damaged at all. To try and explain to someone like him what it meant to be terrified of what he would consider nothing would only make her look crazier than she must already seem.

Still, she supposed she owed him an explanation. If nothing else, it might make him stop looking at her as if she were some kind of freak.

“It was a panic attack,” she said softly.

“A panic attack,” he repeated evenly.

Again she nodded. But she said nothing to elaborate. What else was there for her to say?

He shifted his weight to one foot, hooked his hands on his hips in challenge and flattened his mouth into a tight line. “Peaches, that was no panic attack. That was transglobal, thermodynamic warfare.”

She made a face at him. “Oh, stop it with the hyper-bole.” Although, now that she studied him more closely, she realized there was a big red spot on his cheek. “Look, I said I was sorry,” she said again. “It’s not like it’s something I can control. And usually it’s not that bad.”

“Just what is it then?”

She sighed. She wished she could tell him. At least in terms that wouldn’t make her sound weak and timid and nuts. Unfortunately, over the past several years, Avery had pretty much come to the conclusion that she was weak and timid and nuts. Which made her even more reluctant to tell him the truth.

In spite of that, she told him, “I wasn’t trying to be coy or uncooperative earlier when I told you I couldn’t go anywhere with you. I was telling you the truth. I can’t leave my apartment. Not without some serious preparation first.”

“What, like you need to make sure you have your wallet and house keys and a token for the subway?” he asked sarcastically.

“No. I can’t go out, because…” She sighed, resigned to revealing more of herself than she wanted him to know, because there was no other way to make him understand. “Because I have agoraphobia.”

He eyed her dubiously, “Which is what?” he asked. “Fear of the outdoors, right? But you weren’t outside yet when you went psycho.”

She tried to sit up, remembered that she was strapped down, so fell back against the cot with an exasperated sound. Honestly. Talk about overkill. So she’d roughed him up and called him a leper. So she’d nearly given someone a concussion. So she’d taken a couple of nurses out of commission. Like that didn’t happen every day in some boroughs of New York.

She tugged meaningfully at her restraints. “Let me up, will you?” she pleaded. “I’m fine now. I swear.”

“What you are is completely whack,” he countered. “Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Once or twice,” she said softly. Then, more forcefully, “I’m fine,” she repeated. She jerked at the restraints again. “Get me out of these things. Let me up. Please.”

Although he obviously didn’t believe her, he bent over her and, after a moment’s hesitation, cautiously unfastened one of her wrist restraints. But he waited before loosening any more, apparently wanting to take this thing slowly, in case she was still a little, oh, homicidal. After another moment, evidently satisfied that she wasn’t going to go all Hannibal Lecter on him again—probably—he carefully freed one of the ankle restraints, too. Then the other. Then finally the last, on her other wrist. Then he took a giant step backward and positioned himself near the door.

Where was she anyway? she wondered as she folded herself into a sitting position on the edge of the cot. It wasn’t quite a padded cell, but it was a tiny white room, empty save the cot on which she had been restrained, and there was a window in the door for observation from the other side. He’d mentioned nurses, so she must be in a hospital of some kind. God, she couldn’t even remember how she’d gotten here.

“What time is it?” she asked.

He flicked his wrist to glance at his watch, returning his attention to Avery in less than a nanosecond. “It’s ten after two.”

“A.m. or p.m.?”

“It’s two-ten in the morning,” he said. “You’ve been here for about an hour. But it took me and my partner almost an hour to get you here.”

Avery nodded, waiting for the panic to rise again, because she wasn’t in normal surroundings where she felt safe. Not that she ever really felt entirely safe in her normal surroundings. But nothing happened. She was a bit edgy, to be sure, but who wouldn’t be upon one’s discovery that one was in a strange place and couldn’t remember how one had arrived there? Not to mention when there was a man like Santiago Dixon staring at one as if one had just emerged from a pea pod from outer space?

“And just where is here?” she asked.

“You’re in an OPUS facility,” he told her.

Well, at least it wasn’t Bellevue.

“An OPUS psychiatric facility,” he clarified.

Oh. So it was Bellevue. Only without all the glamour and accountability.

She looked down at her attire, at the loud pajama bottoms and ragged purple sweatshirt. There was a rip in one sleeve that hadn’t been there before. One of her socks was missing, and the toenails of her one bare foot were painted five different colors. No telling how that had happened. The lost sock, she meant, since she had painted her toenails herself. One of her braids had come almost completely frayed. She looked at Dixon again, at the mark on his face for which she was responsible. She was lucky they’d only put her in restraints. Any other place would have performed a full frontal lobotomy by now.

Still, she wasn’t panicking here. The small, bare room didn’t frighten her the way most new surroundings did. And neither did Dixon’s presence in it. That had to be significant somehow, but she was too exhausted at the moment to try and figure it out.

“So tell me about this agoraphobia you have,” he said.

Avery reached for the unraveling braid and freed what little of it was still intact, then finger-combed her hair as best she could before going about the motions of plaiting it again. “Clinically,” she said as she wove the strands back together and avoided his gaze, “it’s defined as anxiety about being in a place or situation from which escape might be difficult or in which help may not be available in the event of having an unexpected panic attack or paniclike symptoms.”

“In layman’s terms?” he asked.

“It means I’m terrified of being someplace where I don’t feel safe,” she said simply. “And the only place I feel safe is my home. So anytime I have to leave my home, I am literally crippled by fear.”

What Avery didn’t add was that her agoraphobia had appeared after her release from prison and was a direct result of her incarceration. As bad as it had been to have her freedom revoked, in prison, for the first time in her life, she’d felt oddly safe. Strangely content. There was a strict system and regimen to life inside that had appealed to her. Everything was scheduled and everything went according to plan. Everyone was equal. The only thing that had been expected of her was that she stay out of trouble. And living in a place like that, Avery had felt no desire to get into trouble.

Not as she had growing up in East Hampton, where society’s strict rules—which had never made any sense to her—had dictated she behave in ways she didn’t want to behave. Growing up in the Hamptons, she had never felt like a worthwhile part of society, and because of that she had rebelled. Constantly. To her family she had always been a troublemaker. Behind bars, though…

As crazy as it sounded, behind bars Avery had felt free for the first time. Free to be herself. Free to say and think and feel what she wanted. Her activities had been curtailed, to be sure. But her mind and her emotions had been liberated. No one had censored her for her feelings or her thoughts or her dreams or her desires. No one had been disappointed by what went on in her head or offended by the things that came out of her mouth. On the contrary, she’d had friends inside, people who liked her because of who she was. And who she was was one of them—a person who wanted the world to work the way it was supposed to, and who had been disappointed by the workings of the world.

Not that there hadn’t been bad people in prison. Certainly there were a lot of women at Rupert Halloran who deserved to be behind bars and who were a genuine menace to society. But the ones to whom Avery had gravitated had been like her—victims of circumstance, women who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, women who had gotten involved with men they shouldn’t have. They’d understood Avery. Even when they discovered she came from a privileged background, they still understood her. And they liked her. And they considered her their equal. Prison was the only place where she had felt like a useful part of a meaningful society. Maybe it hadn’t been the kind of society that society appreciated. But Avery had appreciated it. And she’d been happy there.

Upon her release, though, once she returned to “acceptable” society, she discovered that where before she had felt uncomfortable, now she was genuinely frightened. In fact, she was terrified of acceptable society. Not just of all the rules, but of all the people, too. There were so many people on the outside, and there were so many different ways to go and be and live. Too many expectations on her. Too many societal dictates to follow. Too many choices. Too much freedom. Too much everything.

And Avery was completely alone in the world once she left prison. Her family had stopped speaking to her the minute they learned of her arrest, had turned their backs on her throughout her trial and incarceration. They’d made it clear—through their attorneys—that she would never, ever, have contact with them again. She was still entitled to her trust fund—alas, there was nothing they could do about that, since Great-Grandfather Nesbitt had set it up in a way that no one but Avery could touch it after she turned eighteen. But she must take her money and run, her family’s attorneys told her, and never return to her family. Because they’d made clear, too, that they weren’t her family anymore.

So she took her money—all fifteen million dollars of it—and ran to a condo on Central Park West. There, she could look out her window at society and observe it from a distance, where it was safe, and never have to be a part of it. Little by little, over the years that followed, Avery stopped leaving her apartment. Whenever she needed something, she shopped online and had things delivered. She called Eastern Star Earth-friendly Market, who happily brought her groceries to her front door. The only time she ventured out was if she or Skittles needed to see a doctor. But on those occasions, she began steeling herself for the torment days, even weeks, in advance, shoring herself up to face a ruthless, unforgiving populace, even if only for an hour or two. And then, just to be on the safe side, she got completely snookered before heading out the door. Because the outside world was much too scary, much too menacing. It wasn’t safe, the way prison was.

“You’re joking.”

When she first heard him speak, Avery thought Dixon was reading her mind. Then she realized what he didn’t believe was that she couldn’t leave home without being incapacitated by fear. This from a man who sported an abraded cheek—never mind who had just released her from leather restraints—after trying to take her for a little ride.

Now, she thought, might be a good time to change the subject.

“Why am I here?” she asked.

Dixon studied Avery Nesbitt in silence, wondering whether or not he should believe her about being terrified of reality. On one hand, she was just flaky enough that he could buy it. On the other hand, she had been corresponding with Sorcerer for a month, and God knew what he’d put her up to.

Still, it was hard to fake the kind of mania that had consumed her when he’d tried to carry her out of her apartment. Dixon was pissed off at himself for how he’d handled that. Or rather, how he hadn’t handled it. Not just that he hadn’t tried any harder to talk to her and explain the situation before resorting to physical removal, but that he’d been so unprepared when she’d gone off the way she had.

But she’d gone off so suddenly and so quickly and with such a powerful detonation, he hadn’t known what to do. Nowhere in his investigation of her had he seen any evidence of her having been formally trained in martial arts. Even her prison file had no record of her ever having participated in any kind of altercation. But the minute he’d tried to remove her from her home, she’d attacked. Viciously.

And damn, she fought dirty.

Of course, he’d eventually realized that she was too sloppy, chaotic and desperate to be trained in martial arts. But he hadn’t been able to figure out what exactly she was doing. When Cowboy heard the commotion coming over his headset, he’d responded to render aid. Between the two of them, they’d managed to wrestle her into a service elevator and then the surveillance van, which Cowboy had parked in the alley behind the building.

But no sooner had they slammed the door shut behind themselves than did Avery go limp in Dixon’s arms. Her eyes had remained open and she had been breathing—though rapidly enough that he’d worried she might hyperventilate—but mentally she’d completely checked out. It was spooky how she shut down the way she did.

She’d begun fighting again when he’d tried to remove her from the van. Ultimately it had taken a half hour—and a half dozen orderlies and nurses—to get her into the restraints. They’d said it was for her own safety, but Dixon suspected it was more for theirs. He hadn’t left her side once since then. He’d been worried about her, something that frankly had surprised him. He’d wanted to be sure she was okay. That had surprised him, too. Now evidently she was okay. So why wasn’t he relaxing?

Maybe, he thought, because he was beginning to realize that okay for Avery Nesbitt wasn’t in any way okay.

He marveled at how anyone who’d just kicked the shit out of him could look so fragile and reserved. Were it not for her ridiculous outfit, she’d even look prim. But what amazed him even more was that he actually found her kind of attractive. In a weird, bohemian, I-really-need-to-be-evaluated kind of way. Though it wasn’t necessarily Avery he was thinking needed the evaluation.

Nevertheless, even after all she’d been through in the past few hours, she was surprisingly pretty. That first night he’d been in her apartment, Dixon had thought her eyes only looked enormous because of her glasses. Nobody, he’d thought, could have eyes that big or lashes that thick. But without the glasses her eyes were even larger. There had been times tonight when he’d nearly lost himself in their bottomless blue depths. And when he’d seen how that one braid had come unbound to leave her hair flowing over one shoulder like a shimmering, inky river, he’d found himself wanting to touch it, to see if it was as silky as it looked. Now that she’d rewoven her hair the way it belonged, he felt like a child denied his favorite plaything.

But Avery Nesbitt wasn’t a plaything. Quite the contrary. If things turned out the way they were planning, she might be the most powerful weapon OPUS had at its disposal.

“Judging by the restraints,” she said, “I’m assuming that I’m under arrest now.”

She was perched on the very edge of the cot, her right hand massaging her left wrist where the restraints had been. A pang of guilt shot through Dixon. Seeing her like this, the thought of restraining her seemed silly. She looked like a delicate bird who’d injured its wing, and he couldn’t quite jibe the wounded chick with the raging terminator of a little while ago.

Agoraphobia. That’s what she said she had. Yet nowhere in his research of her had there been any mention of her suffering from such a condition. Not in her prison records, not in her medical records, nowhere. Either she was lying about it or else she was lying about it. Because OPUS didn’t miss things like that. But if she was lying about being agoraphobic, then what had caused her to go off the way she had back at her place? And if she wasn’t lying about being agoraphobic, why was she suddenly feeling okay again, even though she wasn’t at home? Why wasn’t she still throwing a fit or being catatonic or something?

Just what was the deal with Avery Nesbitt?

He waggled his head back and forth a little. “Well, you are under arrest and you aren’t,” he told her evasively.

She stopped rubbing her wrist and let both hands fall into her lap. “If I’m not under arrest, then I demand to be released immediately,” she said levelly. “And if I am under arrest, you’ll never make it stick, so I demand to be released immediately.”

“What makes you think we won’t make it stick?” he asked. Mostly because he was sure that whatever her argument was, it was bound to be entertaining.

“You didn’t read me my rights,” she told him.

“I don’t have to,” he told her right back.

“Says who?”

“Says the agency I work for.”

“Which, as I’ve said—several times, in fact—I’m still not convinced exists anywhere outside your own delusions.”

“Look around you, Peaches,” Dixon said. “If OPUS doesn’t exist, then where do you think you are?”

“I have no idea,” she replied. “Could be the renovated garage of some psychopath for all I know. Some psychopath like—oh, gee, who could I be thinking of?—you.”

He didn’t rise to the bait. “If you’d studied my ID more closely, you’d have realized it’s totally genuine.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You didn’t give me much of a chance to make up my mind about it. You were too busy tackling, harassing and groping me.”

“Well, if you’d been a better hostess, I wouldn’t have had to tackle or harass you. The groping probably would have happened at some point, though,” he added, trying not to sound too smug. “Somehow it almost always comes to that. Whether I’m working or not.”

“You searched me illegally,” she continued, obviously thinking it best to not dwell on that groping business.

“But it was fun, wasn’t it?” Dixon said. He rather liked the idea of keeping the groping topic alive. Though he hated to think why.

“It was illegal,” she said again.

“Actually it wasn’t,” he assured her. “Our rules of operation fall outside the traditional channels for most law-enforcement agencies. Probably because technically we’re not a law-enforcement agency.”

“You gained entry into my apartment unlawfully,” she pointed out.

“It’s not unlawful when OPUS is doing it,” Dixon told her. “Those untraditional channels again.”

She eyed him narrowly. “Does the Libertarian Party know about your agency?”

He shook his head. “Only the people OPUS wants to know about it know about OPUS. Anyone else finds out, they don’t live long enough to talk about it.”

“I’m going to talk about it,” she told him. “I’m going to tell everyone. Starting with the Libertarian Party.”

“You go ahead and do that,” Dixon told her. “And we’ll make you look like a raving lunatic who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“That won’t be a problem for the Libertarian Party.”

“We’ll make it a problem for them.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Yep.”

“You can’t threaten the Libertarian Party.”

“Peaches, we can threaten any party we like, be it Libertarian, Birthday, Tupperware or Slumber. And they all forget all about us when we do.”

Her jaw set tight, she hissed, “Fascist.”

He smiled. “You’re cute when you’re angry, you know that?”

This time her reply was a snarl. And he hated to say it, but she was even cuter when she did that.

A soft knock on the door made him turn around, and through the wire-reinforced window he saw the round, bland face of Mr. No-Name. Behind him was Tanner Gillespie, who still looked a little shaken from this evening’s encounter.

The boss man pushed a series of numbers on a keypad below the doorknob, and the lock released with a soft click. The already small room shrank to microscopic when the two men entered, making Dixon feel crowded and uncomfortable. Avery seemed not to be bothered at all.

Agoraphobia. Right.

“Ms. Nesbitt,” Dixon’s boss said without awaiting an introduction.

She didn’t reply at first, her attention flickering to Dixon instead. He wasn’t sure what she wanted from him, so he only met her gaze in return. After a moment, she looked at No-Name again.

“Do I know you?” she asked.

“No,” he replied immediately.

“You sure? You look familiar.”

“I’m not.”

“But—”

Before she could say more, he hurried on, “You’re a difficult woman to pin down, Ms. Nesbitt.”

“Not really,” she said, still eyeing him with wary interest. “I never go anywhere. Well, not usually,” she added with a meaningful glance at Dixon. Then to his employer she continued, “I do my best to keep a low profile, but anyone who really wants to find me can.”

“Is that why Adrian Padgett was able to find you?”

Her expression turned puzzled at the question. Convincingly so, Dixon had to admit. His boss, on the other hand, looked convincingly skeptical.

“Who’s Adrian Padgett?” she asked.

“You might know him better as Andrew Paddington,” No-Name said.

Avery glanced at Dixon again, obviously remembering that he had mentioned her online boyfriend earlier tonight, too. “What’s Andrew got to do with any of this?” she asked.

Now his boss turned to Dixon, too, giving him a look that let Dixon know the other man was deferring to him. But only because Dixon was more familiar with the particulars of the case. Under no other circumstances would his superior actually defer to anyone.

Dixon looked back at Avery. “Where did you meet Andrew Paddington?”

Of course, he already knew the answer to that question, but he wanted to see how honestly she would answer it.

“Online,” she told him, surprising him. He had been ready for her to challenge him again and not give him any information at all. “In a Henry James chat room. Why?”

So far, so good, Dixon thought. “And how long have you been corresponding with him?”

She hesitated. “What business is that of yours?”

Dixon ignored the question. Thanks to the OPUS techies at her apartment, who were currently combing through every computer she owned, it wouldn’t be long before they knew every detail of her correspondence with and relationship to Sorcerer anyway. But he wanted her to talk about it, too, to see if her version corresponded to what the techies discovered.

He tried a different tack. “Why were you building that virus?”

Had it not been for the two bright spots of pink that appeared on her cheeks, Dixon would have thought she hadn’t heard the question. “That’s none of your business, either,” she said softly.

“It could send you back to prison, Peaches,” he said. “It’s highly illegal. That makes it my business.”

“No, that makes it a matter for the feds,” she said. She hesitated only a moment before adding, “And stop calling me ‘Peaches.’”

He bit back a smile. He honestly hadn’t been aware he was calling her that. “When it’s a matter of national security, it becomes a matter for OPUS, too.”

“That virus wasn’t a matter of national security,” she said.

“It was last time you built one,” Dixon reminded her. “Hell, it was a matter of international security then. We still get calls from the Vatican.”

“Not to mention Greenland,” his boss added.

Avery expelled a soft sound of capitulation and closed her eyes. Then she lifted a hand to her forehead and rubbed hard at a place just above her right eyebrow. Very wearily, very quietly, she said, “If you want me to explain this, it’s going to take a while.”