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Self-Esteem

Debunking the “if _____ then ____” way of thinking

Aesthetics in general is a game of balance, of shadow control, of replacing what is lost, and adding what we need to see as completion. If we add “this,” then “that” will go away. If we take away this shadow, then this appears this way. It’s all a balancing act. But what if we started looking at the way we are comparing internal and external, or having the expectations of such? If I get lip filler, then I will be more desirable to him. If I get Botox, then other people will think I am younger. If I get a new face, I won’t be who I once was. This way of thinking sends you down a rabbit hole of misery. The external and internal both need to be balanced but they cannot balance each other out. Your internal needs to be healed by your internal and external can be enhanced by external. Combining the two as sisters when they are more like cousins once removed will only leave you feeling incomplete, unbalanced, and searching for the next thing to make it all better.

Injectables and the world of aesthetics is my passion. I love what I do, and I love enhancing the beauty in people, or even correcting the beautifully imperfect. Let me make clear one more time, this book is not to talk you out of enjoying self-care through aesthetics! Rather, to look at is as intended. For enjoyment of a relaxing facial or spa day, enhancement of deficits or small tweaks through treatments, adding to your confidence (not giving it to you), and assisting in making you happier with yourself (not others happier with you). Your external cannot fix, heal, or give your internal any completeness that is not already there. It simply can marry well with an already whole foundation and though it is something that is beautiful when you see brought to life, and so exciting to be able to create someone's dream aesthetic, not everyone has that whole foundation quite yet. Which means, not everyone is the best candidate and when I say that I don't mean because of anything on the external.

When it comes to consultations and procedures, I have probably turned away about 25% of the people who are seeking treatment. Why? Because ethically I cannot fulfill their request. There is a large mental health component to aesthetics. There is also a very interesting medical explanation for it, or rather for some. When we treat ourselves to something positive, our body releases endorphins which then triggers a positive feeling in the body similar to that of morphine. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain momentarily. Pain can be many things. You have physical pain or emotional pain. You can have constant pain or dull pain. All of which could be emotional or physical. Some of it may even overlap. Another interesting point is your body can only handle addressing one pain at a time. That's why we use distraction methods for needles such as tapping on the opposite shoulder or squeezing as hard as you can on a ball. This helps distract your mind into focusing on the new touch, or pain, no matter how dull it is verse what is truly happening and the true cause of it.

Much of what we do is a process and when you are going through this wonderful process, it can overshadow an unhealthy drive or pain or untreated wound, but they will always come back. This is why, when the healing process is done from any aesthetic treatment there's a sense of relief and then a period of elation and enjoyment and then inevitably either wanting more, thinking it was not enough, or finding something new to fixate on. You cannot fill, freeze, massage out, or cover internal turmoil, lack of self-esteem, trauma, or just plain and simple unhappiness. I assure you, it is a battle already lost as well as resources and time that could have been spent working towards the enhancement of soul and of treatment of the root issue that was truly needed in the first place.

Would you consider yourself the ideal candidate or patient for aesthetic treatments? Do you have a friend or family member that you think would be the worst? What, in your mind, do you feel distinguishes one from another? In my opinion, the best patients, or rather the best candidates for treatment, are the ones who truly are whole and who are coming in understanding that what they are doing is elective and that they are completely enough and whole without it but simply want to treat themselves by doing it for them. Not to give them happiness not to give them confidence not to give them a fill for a void, but rather to enhance all of those areas for themselves and themselves alone. What is interesting, is those are typically the patients who request less treatment and are more satisfied.

How Can You Learn to Break this Thinking?

How do you know if you are choosing to do something for the right reasons? How do you truly know if your decisions are being influenced by others or influenced by something deeper rooted within yourself? You are the best person to answer that. I am a big fan of lists. I make lists of things to do, things that need to get done, things I want to happen in the future, the lists of the lists continue on and on. Though I may take it to the extreme, when I need to check in with myself, I always resort to writing in some way. To me, writing it out is a way I can see it, touch it, hold it and reflect on it. It is a way I cannot hide from it; I cannot change the words that I'm seeing, it is a truth that is looking at me right in the face and one that I have to choose to face head on or not at all. A lot of times, we will ask ourselves questions, and then proceed to manipulate ourselves into giving us the answers we want. We can talk ourselves in or out of the exact same situation if we are not strongly planted in our own foundation. Especially if we don't truly know who we are and have healed ourselves from possible toxic ways of thinking or manipulations from the past either internally or with others. Learn to check in with your gut. If a decision is not easy, or does not seem 100% transparent with you, make sure you're asking the right questions. Not just the questions you know will get you to the decision, and not just the questions others may hurry along and ask, but the deeper ones. See if your answer changes.

You will notice at the end of this chapter I have attached a worksheet that I hope you find helpful if you are on the fence with your aesthetic journey. Being truthful and transparent to yourself is the only way you will get truthful and transparent answers back, and it is the only practice you will ever have in how your communications with others, and others with you, would be healthiest. Now that doesn't mean everybody should know your business, and I feel very much so the opposite. What it does mean, is that once you own your truth and decisions, and stand in it and are confident in it no one else will ever be able to sway you from it and you will never be ashamed of a decision you make moving forward especially in regard to how others perceive it.

That Self Love Glow

If we chose to love ourselves with the same intensity that we choose to worry about someone else loving us, we would all be in such a better place. Why is it that we look for outside sources to handle, fix or fill voids in an internal space that we only share with ourselves? That is our power. Why do we so freely give it away? And does it ever really stick? I have always been self-conscious of my eyes. I have very large eyes, I was teased a lot growing up about my eyes, and I've never really been 100% comfortable with the way they look. As an adult, I probably have a handful of people who will comment and say lovely things about my eyes on a weekly to monthly basis. It does feel good in the moment, it even has boosted my confidence and the very minimal times I wear makeup, I do try to play them up. But at the end of the day when my makeup is washed off, when my hair is up and I'm in my pajamas looking at no one but myself, do I like them any more than I did before all of the complements? Not really.

The important thing is I can appreciate the aspects I see within them. I am grateful that I share the same eyes as my dad, and the same color as my kids. I am blessed with excellent eyesight and healthy eyes in general. And the few times I do dress up for date nights I do love the way they look in makeup.

You don't have to love absolutely everything about you. None of us ever will, and that is perfectly okay! But getting to a place where you can still feel confident and appreciate your parts for all that they are is the ultimate goal. The moment you realize you don't need complements, (though they are nice to hear), I bet you won’t feel the need to fix everything. When you can do absolutely nothing and look in the mirror and find appreciation and beauty and completeness. Only then will you realize that truly none of that comes from external alone. And at that time, if you choose to explore enhancing the things you love, tweaking things here and there or just preventatively, please do so!

It is a constant balance in the life of internal and external. If you eat nothing but unhealthy food it will catch up to you by ways of weight gain, skin disorders, along with internal struggles. If you cut on yourself or even pick at blemishes on your face you run the risk of infections internally, not just scars on the outside. There is a reaction for every action whether it be internal or external. The difference is, the external ones can be more easily healed, covered, altered, or justified. The internal ones take more time, self-realization, devotion, care, and concern. With that being said, the internal battles you win will be the ones the true glow up and breakthroughs come from. They will be the ones that transform you, that get people to notice your presence when you enter the room. Sure, your looks may get a glance and adoration, but your soul will be what gets the questions, the respect, and the loyalty. Invest in that. The external will be nothing more than a bonus.

My hope is that we can all get to a place where we realize we're talking about one whole being and not two separate entities. That is when, and only when, we can make a decision. It will at that point, be a decision that benefits that very whole and that is made in respects to it. In a world that is made to take away our self-love, my hope and want for each of you is that we use that to fuel a fire within us that is so powerful and so overwhelming that it sprouts a level of self-love that is unconditional, unshaken, and a force to be reckoned with. Each one of us is capable of it and was made to embody it, we just need to find where that went, what that looks like for us individually and why we haven’t yet.

Your Gut Check - Aesthetic Version

 When did you FIRST start to think about doing this?

 What made you first think about it?

 Has anything influenced this decision?

 What would happen if you did not get this procedure?

 What do you feel you would gain by getting it and does that answer have to do with you or someone else?

 Is this attainable and maintainable?

 At the end of this, would this solve the first thought mention, or is it possibly deeper than that?

Stop breaking yourself into bite sized pieces to feed people.

Let them eat the whole cake

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