Читать книгу Stories for Ninon + New Stories for Ninon (Unabridged) - Emile Zola - Страница 3

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Here they are then, my friend, these unfettered narratives of our young days, which I related to you out in the country in my dear Provence, and to which you listened with an attentive ear, whilst vaguely following with your eyes the great blue lines of the distant hills.

On May evenings, at the moment when heaven and earth glide slowly into supreme peace, I left the city and reached the fields; the barren slopes, covered with brambles and juniper bushes; or else the banks of the little river, that December torrent, so unobtrusive in fine weather; or again an out-of-the-way corner of the plain, warm with the embrace of the south, a broad stretch of red and yellow land, planted with almond trees with slender branches, old olives turning grey, and vines with their entangled offshoots trailing along the ground.

Poor parched earth, it stands out glaring, grey, and naked in the sun, between the fertile meadows of the Durance and the orange groves on the seashore. I love it for its harsh beauty, its doleful-looking rocks, its thyme and lavender. There is, I know not what burning air of desolation about this sterile valley; a strange whirlwind of passion seems to have passed over the country; then, great oppression followed, and the fields, which were still full of generous warmth, fell asleep, so to say, in a final desire. At present, amidst my forests of the north, when I recall to mind that stone and dust, I feel most profound love for that rugged country which is not mine. Doubtless the merry child and the sad old rocks formerly felt tender affection for each other; and now the child, who has become a man, disdains damp fields and submerged verdure; he is in love with the broad white roads and calcinated mountains, where his mind, in all the freshness of its fifteen summers, dreamed its first dreams.

I reached the fields. There, when I had half laid me down on the cultivated land, or on the slabs on the hillside, lost in that peacefulness which came from the profound depths of heaven, I found you, on turning my head, extended comfortably on my right, thoughtful, your chin resting in your hand, gazing at me with your great eyes. You were the angel of my solitude, my good guardian angel whom I perceived near me wherever I might be; you read my secret wishes in my heart, you sat down beside me everywhere, unable to be where I was not. At present, this explains to me your presence every night. In days gone by, without ever seeing you approach, I experienced no astonishment in constantly meeting your bright look; I knew you were faithful, always within me.

My dear soul, you brought sweetness to the sadness of my melancholy evenings. You possessed the forlorn beauty of those knolls, their marble pallidness blushing at the last kisses of the sun. I know not what perpetual thought elevated your forehead and enlarged your eyes. Then, when a smile played upon your idle lips, one would have said in presence of the youthfulness and sudden brightness of your face, that it was that ray of May which causes all the flowers and verdure of this palpitating earth to grow, flowers and verdure of a day that are scorched by the June sun. Between you and the horizon was secret harmony that made me love the stones on the footpaths. The little river had your voice; the stars, when they rose, your look; everything around me smiled with your smile. And you, lending your gracefulness to this nature, assumed its impressive severity. I confounded you one with the other. When I saw you, I was conscious of nature’s free sky, and when my eyes searched the valley, I recognised your lithe, bold lines in the undulations of the ground. It was by comparing you thus that I took to madly loving you both, not knowing which I adored the most, my dear Provence or my dear Ninon.

Each morn, my friend, I feel a new necessity to thank you for bygone days. It was charitable and tender of you to love me a little and live within me; at that age when the heart suffers at being alone, you brought me yours to spare all pain to mine. Ah! if you only knew how many poor souls at present die of solitude. Times are hard for those who are made of love. I have not known that misery. You showed me at all times the face of an adorable woman, you peopled my desert, mingling your blood with mine, living in my thought. And I, lost in this profound love, I forgot, feeling you in my being. The supreme joy of our hymen caused me to pass in peace through that rugged land of sixteen years, where so many of my companions have left shreds of their hearts.

Strange creature, now that you are far away, and I can see clearly within me, I experience keen pleasure in examining our love-making piece by piece. You were a beautiful and ardent woman, and I loved you as a husband. Then, I know not how, at times you became a sister, without ceasing to be a sweetheart; then I loved you both as a brother and a sweetheart, with all the chastity of affection, all the passion of desire. At other moments I found a companion in you, the healthy intelligence of man, and always, also, an enchantress, a well-beloved, whose face I smothered with kisses, whilst pressing her hand like an old comrade. In the folly of my tenderness, I gave your beautiful frame, which I so much adored, to each of my affections. Divine dream, which caused me to worship in you each creature, body and soul, with all my strength, apart from sex and blood. You satisfied at the same time the warmth of my imagination and the requirements of my intellect. You thus realised the dream of ancient Greece, the mistress made man, gifted with exquisite elegance of shape coupled with a masculine mind, worthy of knowledge and wisdom. I adored you in all the different forms of love, you, who sufficed for my being, you, whose exquisite beauty filled me with my dream. When I felt your supple frame within me, your sweet childlike face, your thoughts made of my thoughts, I tasted in its entirety, that unheard-of voluptuousness, sought for in vain in antiquity, of possessing a creature with all the sinews of my flesh, all the affection of my heart, all the power of my intelligence.

I reached the fields. Lying on the ground, your head resting on my bosom, I talked to you for long hours, my gaze lost in the azure immensity of your eyes. I spoke to you, careless of my words, according to the whim of the moment. Sometimes bending forward as if to nurse you, I addressed a naive little girl, who will not close her eyes, and whom one sends to sleep with pretty stories, lessons of charity and moderation; at other moments, my lips on your lips, I related to one whom I cherished, the loves of the fairies, or the charming affection of young sweethearts; still more frequently, on days when I was the victim of the silly unkindness of my companions, and those days together, have made up years of my youth, I took your hand, with irony on my lips, doubt and negation in my heart, complaining to a brother of the miseries of this world, in some afflicting tale, a satire dipped in tears. And you, bending to my whims, while still remaining a wife and woman, were in turn a naïve little girl, a well-beloved and a consoling brother. You heard each of my styles of language. Without ever answering, you listened to me, allowing me to read in your eyes the emotion, the gaiety, the sadness of my tales. I lay my conscience quite bare to you, being anxious to hide nothing. I did not treat you as those ordinary sweethearts to whom lovers measure out their thoughts. I gave myself away entirely without ever bridling my tongue. And what long gossips they were, what strange stories born of a dream! what disjointed tales, where invention was left to chance, and the only supportable episodes of which were the kisses we exchanged! If some passerby had spied us out at night at the foot of our rocks, I know not what singular look he would have had on hearing my free language, and seeing you understand it, my naïve little girl, my well-beloved, my consoling brother.

Alas I those delightful evenings are no more. A day came when I had to leave you, you and the fields of Provence. Do you remember, my darling, we said adieu to each other, one autumn evening, beside the little river. The naked trees rendered the horizon more vast and gloomy; the country at that advanced hour, covered with dry leaves, damped with the first rains, spread out black, with great yellow spots, like a huge coarse carpet. The last rays of light were leaving the sky, and night arose in the east with threatening fogs, a dark night to be followed by an unknown dawn; with my life it was as with that autumnal sky; the planet of my youth had just disappeared, the night of age was rising, reserving I knew not what future for me. I felt the burning necessity of experiencing reality; I was weary of the dream, weary of the spring, weary of you, my dear soul, who escaped from my embrace, and in presence of my tears could only smile at me sadly. Our divine love was quite at an end; it had had its season, like all things. It was then, perceiving you were dying within me, that I went to the bank of the little river in the expiring country, to give you my kisses of departure. Oh! that evening so full of love and sadness! I kissed you, my distressed pale one; I endeavoured, for the last time, to give you back the robust health of your happy days: I could not, for I was your executioner. You rose within me higher than the body, higher than the heart, and you were nothing more than a souvenir.

It is now nearly seven years since I left you. Since the day of our farewell, in enjoyment and in grief, I have often listened to your voice, the caressing voice of a souvenir asking me for the tales of our Provençal evenings.

I know not what echo of our sonorous rocks responds in my heart. You, whom I left far away, plead so touchingly from your exile, that I seem to hear you in my innermost being. That sweet throb which past delight leaves within one, urges me to give way to your desire. Poor shadow that has disappeared in the solitude where the dear phantoms of our vanished dreams reside, if I must console you with my old stories, I feel the comfort I shall experience in listening to myself talking to you, as in our young days.

I comply with your request. I am going to relate the tales of our love-making again, one by one, not all, for there are some that could not be told a second time, the sun having faded those delicate flowers, which were too divinely simple for broad daylight, at their birth, but those with a robust constitution, which that clumsy machine called human memory is able to keep in mind.

Alas! I fear I am preparing great grief for myself in acting thus. To confide our conversations to the passing wind is violating the secret of our tenderness, and indiscreet lovers are punished in this world by the cold indifference of their confidants. I have still one hope, namely, that not a single person in this country will be tempted to peruse our stories. Our century is really much too busy to be attracted by the remarks of two unknown lovers. My detached pages will pass unperceived in the crowd, and will still reach you in their virginity. Thus I can indulge in folly at my ease; I can be as adventuresome as formerly, and as careless of the paths. You alone will read me, and I know with what indulgence.

And now, Ninon, I have satisfied your wishes; here are my stories. Raise no more your voice within me, that voice of remembrance, which brings tears to my eyes. Leave my heart, which requires rest, in peace; come no more, amidst the struggle, to remind me of our idle nights. If you must have a promise, I undertake to love you again, later on, when I shall have sought in vain in this world for other darlings, and when I shall return to my first love. Then I will go back again to Provence, and meet you on the bank of the little river. Winter will have come, a winter both sad and sweet, with a clear sky and earth giving hope for a future harvest. Believe me, we shall adore each other for another whole season; we will resume our peaceful evenings out in the country we love; we will complete our dream.

Wait for me, dear soul, faithful vision, sweetheart of the child and of the old man.

ÉMILE ZOLA