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Why is it so important that we forgive and why do so many of us find it so difficult to forgive?

Forgiveness is difficult and complex. It can involve issues of justice and reparations and of course deep seated anger and the wish for revenge. Forgiveness is not a question of forgetting the wrong done; if you’ve forgotten what was done, there is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness involves refusing to allow yourself to give in to anger and the desire for revenge. This is why forgiveness ultimately brings peace.

This book and the PBS documentary it accompanies present a powerful exploration of this most important subject.

All of us carry memories of things that we have done that we are not happy about. There isn’t anyone who hasn’t wounded someone else’s feelings, or physically hurt someone, or in some extreme cases even killed someone. The problem is we tend to think we live in isolation; you in your separate world and I in mine. These notions of separateness and isolation are what give rise to fear, suspicion, and mistrust.

Human beings need to live together and are dependent on each other in many essential ways. We are deeply connected, in fact, interdependent. Science tells us very clearly that nothing exists in isolation, powered by itself. But because we can’t see it, we mistakenly cling to our separate identities. All that concerns us is me, my family, my village, my people, my religion, my nation. And the next thing we know, we’re in conflict. Out of a narrow vision of the world, we’ve all committed acts that we are not proud of. We’ve all hurt each other deeply, even within the circle of our own families and friends. And often we’re not even concerned about how we’ve hurt those outside our protected circle.

The basic feature of society is kindness, for it is only through kindness and compassion, caring for others, that society can succeed. If it is correct that qualities such as love, patience, tolerance, and forgiveness are what happiness consists in, and if it is also correct that compassion is both the source and the fruit of these qualities, then the more we are compassionate, patient, and forgiving, the more we provide for our own happiness. Thus, any idea that concern for others, though a noble quality, is a matter only for our private lives, is simply short-sighted. Compassion and with it, forgiveness, belongs to every sphere of activity.

Someone once asked me if there was anything I thought was unforgivable? And I think the answer is that the only thing I might find unforgivable would be if I myself were unable to forgive. In fact, in Mahayana Buddhism, not to forgive, especially when someone has offered you an apology, is considered a serious transgression of the bodhisattva’s altruistic pledge.

Forgiveness may be difficult, and it sometimes takes time to achieve, but in the end, it will always bring a measure of peace to ourselves as individuals and to our relations with others.

January 24, 2011