Читать книгу What Makes Women Happy - Fay Weldon - Страница 12

You could see the ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’ which litter our lives as a nuisance, as contrary to our own self-interest. So our partner suffers because we were unfaithful, so our mother is lonely and upset because we didn’t visit, so our children weep uncomforted. So who cares? ‘I really deserve a holiday. I deserve it because I’m me.’ Stuff and nonsense.

‘Now at last,’ says the new-style granny, abstaining from babysitting, spending the children’s inheritance, ‘I’m going to do something for myself.’

You won’t enjoy it, you know. You will feel guilty and selfish every minute of your sun-soaked, pampered holiday, and so you should.

Therapists may well try and iron the emotion of guilt out of us, and some do, seeing it as ‘negative’. By which they mean it’s uncomfortable, painful and inconvenient, and aren’t we trying to achieve happiness here? ‘Look to your own skin,’ they advise. ‘Do what you want.’

Alexander Crowley, black magician, rapist and philosopher of Edwardian times, self-styled Beast no. 666, had this as his philosophy: Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. It was an attitude seen as very shocking at the time, even satanic. If it doesn’t sound all that unreasonable now it may be our loss as, seeking validation for our bad actions, we virtuously pursue the ‘authenticity of our feelings’ (‘I have to leave you and the kids because I’m in love’) and decide we deserve every good thing, in the words of the shampoo ad, because we’re worth it.

Self-esteem can go too far – a little low self-esteem might not come amiss as we consider our faults and failures. On our deathbeds the memory of the authenticity of our feelings might not seem as important as the love and company of our friends and relatives.

There is a truly simple answer to the pains of guilt: If you feel bad about it, don’t do it.

Now there’s an old-fashioned doctrine. Step by step, little by little, do what you should, not what you want.

Conscience is to the soul as pain is to the body. It keeps you out of harm’s way.