Читать книгу Dear Emily - Fern Michaels - Страница 9

Emily stared in awe at the Christmas tree she’d decorated to surprise Ian. The small apartment positively reeked of Christmas. She was going to bake the way her mother always baked for the holidays. She was going to wrap presents and maybe drink some wine while she was doing it. The day was hers to do with as she pleased. Heckling Pete’s was closed for serious plumbing repairs and she’d pretended she had a cold and told Ian she couldn’t work in the clinic. And here she was. Full of Christmas spirit.

She glanced at the pile of papers and ledgers on the kitchen table. She had to do the payroll, fill out insurance papers, make a bank deposit, pay the clinic bills as well as the household bills. She didn’t want to do them, wasn’t going to do them. She opened the cabinet under the sink, pushed aside her cleaning supplies. Then she swept the pile of papers into the far back corner.

This was supposed to be a real Christmas. Ian had promised. Last year the clinic had been opened and they had both worked and had a cup of eggnog in front of the plastic tree in the waiting room. They’d agreed not to exchange presents, but at the last minute she’d gone out and bought Ian a cashmere jacket she couldn’t afford. He’d stuck to their agreement. She’d cried in the bathroom afterward. She would have been satisfied with a gift-wrapped Bic pen.

Emily looked at the pile of presents she was going to wrap in silver paper. Big, red, velvet bows would go on all the packages. She tried to imagine Ian’s reaction to her shopping and decorating spree. Would he look at her with disappointment in his eyes or would he smile and say something kind and wonderful? Now, the clinic was in the black. Everything he’d predicted had come to pass. Six more months and his student loans would be paid off. For now, every extra cent went toward the loans and the cheap apartment they lived in.

Ian had worked even harder than she had in this past year and a half. He was as bone weary as she was, but it had been his decision to keep the clinic open twenty-four hours a day. When he came home at 11 P.M., he was on call during the night. She could count on one hand the nights he got to sleep through until morning. When Ian fell into bed, they cuddled and told each other it was just a few more months, then it was all going to be worth it. Every night he kissed her and thanked her for working at his side. Sex was just a sweet memory. Both of them were too tired to put forth any real effort, always promising one another the weekend would be for lazing about and making wild, crazy love. It never happened, though. The weekends were devoted to emergencies, grocery shopping, laundry, and her stint at Heckling Pete’s.

They had a covering doctor now and a covering office manager. It had been Ian’s idea so they could start the first of the new year fresh and with energy to spare. As if she would ever have energy again. All her git up and go had departed a long time ago. She wasn’t sure about Ian’s stamina. He looked weary beyond words. Was success worth all of this sacrificing? Their youth was gone, if they’d ever really had a youth. The early years of their marriage were gone, never to be recaptured.

The years between thirty and forty were supposed to be prime years. Would hers and Ian’s be prime?, She wished for a crystal ball. She was still daydreaming when Ian walked through the door.

“It smells like Christmas in here,” he shouted.

Emily threw herself into his arms. “You’re early. Why? Is everything okay?”

“Of course. I came home to check on you. I called Garret to come in and cover. Allison is going to stop by and pick up the work I know you didn’t do. She’ll do it this evening.”

“Are you really home for the night?” Emily asked in awe.

“Jesus, Emily, I try, I really do. Let’s not get off track here. I’m here and we’re going to glue ourselves to each other. I say we light the fireplace, pop some corn, and look at that gorgeous Christmas tree. Did you do all that yourself? It smells great. I’m sorry about all the past Christmases, Emily.”

“Shhhh, me too. This is now and we’re going to enjoy it. I can hardly believe Christmas is just three days away. Shall I bake a turkey?”

“You bet. With all the trimmings. Let’s go to midnight mass too.”

“Oh, Ian, really. Do you mean it?”

“I certainly do. We have to try going to church more often. We’re going to start doing a lot of things we never had time for. It’s time for us, Emily.”

“Like what?” she said, snuggling into the crook of his arm.

“Like we should go ice skating when the ponds freeze. We should go to the mall and browse around, maybe take a ride to the shore and walk along the boardwalk and huddle into our winter coats. Remember how we used to do that? We’d walk for hours, freeze our tushees off, and then go for hot chocolate. I want to do that again.”

“Oh, me too, Ian. I’d love it. What else?”

“Let’s go to New York to see all the Christmas decorations. We can ice skate at Rockefeller Center.” Emily clapped her hands in delight. “We can browse down Fifth Avenue and look at all the wonderful window displays. We’ll buy ourselves new outfits while we’re there.”

“Pinch me,” Emily gurgled. Ian obliged. “Ouch! Anything else?”

“How about five days in the Cayman Islands? Just you and me. I think we can take five days off around the middle of January if you want to go.”

“Do I want to go? Do I want to take another breath? Of course I want to go. Pinch me again.” Ian pinched her a second time. “Okay, okay, this isn’t a dream.”

“It means more now, doesn’t it. I think we’re both really going to appreciate it after all our hard work. We can’t stay anywhere that’s really expensive and we’ll pretty much have to eat on the cheap because the air fare is expensive. Do you care about that?”

“Not a bit. Is this our Christmas present?”

“No way. I bought you a present. Did you buy me one?” he asked slyly.

“Yep. Oh, Ian, you are absolutely right, it means more now. I’m going to mark it off on the calendar and count the days, but not right now. Right now I want to stay here with you.”

“Where you belong. God, I love you, Emily. You are one of a kind. You are the kindest, the warmest, the gentlest, the most generous human being I’ve ever met.”

“Oh, tell me more. More,” Emily begged.

“Not until I change my clothes, make a fire. Hey, does that fireplace really work? What’s for dinner? Let’s eat in front of the fire.”

“I think it works. The box of firewood the last tenant left is still in the corner. It should burn well. We’re having pepper steak. Go ahead and get changed. I want to plug in the tree lights.”

“My God, Emily, it’s beautiful,” Ian said, backing up a step to view the magnificent fir. “Where’d you get all the stuff? How long did it take you? I thought you didn’t feel good.”

“Doing it made me feel better. I just have a scratchy throat. Really, I’m fine.”

“You’re the best, honey.”

Emily smiled and smiled. She smiled all evening long. She continued to smile when they made love far into the night. The smile stayed with her when she slept and was still with her when Ian nudged her in the morning and invited her to take a shower with him.

“I’m making breakfast for us this morning,” he said.

“In that case, I’ll have eggs, French toast, and bacon,” Emily called over her shoulder as she scooted for the bathroom. “Make the coffee dark and sweet and don’t forget the orange juice.”

“You got it. Last night was great, wasn’t it?”

“Oh, yes. I’m greedy, though. I want more.”

“Okay, same thing tonight. I’m going in for four hours. I have a kid I have to check. He’s worrying me. I might have to put him in the hospital.”

“Over Christmas?”

“I’ve been pumping him full of antibiotics but he isn’t responding the way he should be. He’s running a fever too. He’s a great little kid. Keeps asking me if I’m going to make him better. I tell him I’m going to try my best. He wants a pair of ice skates for Christmas. The family is too poor for gifts. I bought a pair for him, Emily, and a pair for his sister. Do you think it’s okay? I mean will his mother think I’m—you know.”

“Ian, that’s wonderful. His mother is going to be very grateful. Thank you for doing that.”

“Yeah, well, I did it for a few other kids too. Actually, twenty to be exact. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Of course not. Christmas is for giving. I’m just grateful we can afford to do it.”

“Actually, the corporation did it. It’s a write-off, but that isn’t why I did it.”

“I know that, Ian. I knew I loved you for a reason.”

“Will you still love me if you have to wrap them?”

“Now, why did I know you were going to say that? Of course I’ll wrap them. Do you want them this afternoon?”

“Do I have a clean shirt for today; an ironed one?”

“Of course. They’re hanging on the back of the door.”

“Good girl,” Ian said, squeezing her arm.

“I have to go now. I’ll be back early.” The phone shrilled to life in the living room. “I’ll get it,” Ian said. “It’s for you, honey, it’s Heckling Pete’s.”

Emily’s stomach started to churn. He was ready to leave so why was he standing by the door? He’d kissed her cheek as she picked up the phone. He was deliberately stalling so he could hear her end of the conversation. “Hello,” she said cautiously.

“Emily, this is Pete. Listen, the workers managed to get the back room ready ahead of schedule. We scheduled three Christmas parties for this evening. I know I gave you a few days off, but I’m short of help. I’ll throw in an extra fifty bucks if you help me out.”

“I can’t, Pete. I have plans.” She wouldn’t look at Ian, she just wouldn’t.

“What about tomorrow?”

“Can’t, Pete, that’s Christmas Eve. Sorry.”

“Okay, no hard feelings. Have a nice holiday and I’ll see you after Christmas. Stop by and pick up your schedule and your year-end bonuses.”

“I will. Have a wonderful holiday.”

“Can you believe that!” Emily said, turning to face her husband. “He had the nerve to ask me to work on Christmas Eve. You have to set Pete straight in the beginning or he takes advantage of you. Is there anything special you’d like for dinner?”

“How about stew. I like to eat stew when it’s cold out. Put lots of carrots in it, okay?” He paused. “You’re going to be losing a whole week’s pay, right?”

“I really won’t be out that much. Pete is generous; he gives everyone a Christmas bonus.”

“Yes, but if you were working, we’d be that much farther ahead. What will he give you?”

“Probably a hundred dollars. That’s what he gave us last year. It’s generous. Most places don’t give waitresses anything.” She hated it when her voice turned pleading. Now she felt guilty for lying, guilty for not working the Christmas parties. She was letting Ian down. Her head pounded. “You better hurry, Ian, or you’re going to be late.”

All day, Emily was a whirling dervish, wrapping presents for Ian’s patients, and then her own presents, cutting vegetables, making sure she added carrots, cutting the meat into cubes, flouring it and then browning it. When it was simmering, the apartment tidy, she showered, did her best to tame her wild mane of hair, and had a cup of coffee. Ian would be in shortly. Maybe she should walk out back and bring in some of the firewood the landlord said they could use. Three trips would about do it if they wanted the fire to last all night. Ian did love a fire, but then so did she. Yes, she’d do a fire, turn on the tree lights, and everything would look toasty and cozy. Ian would be so happy, and when Ian was happy, she was happy.

Wasn’t that the way it was supposed to be?

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were everything Emily dreamed of. Ian’s gift of expensive perfume was a treasure to her. Secretly she liked the cut-glass crystal better than she liked the scent, but she doused herself to please her husband, who all but swooned when she put it on. The sweet, cloying scent gave her a headache.

When the Christmas dinner dishes were done and the apartment tidy, Ian drew Emily into the living room. They sat on the couch for a long time staring at the fragrant balsam. “I’ve never been happier, Ian. I wish this day could last forever. I just love Christmas, don’t you?”

“Hmmnnn. It was nice. We’re going to do this every year no matter what. We’re going to stop and smell the roses. We have our vacation to look forward to. Let’s go shopping tomorrow and get a few new clothes. You’ll need a few sundresses for the islands and maybe some shorts and sandals. We can afford to splurge a little. Make sure you bring that perfume. It drives me nuts. I’m going to make sure you never run out. I told the girl in the department store to call me at the clinic if it ever goes on sale. She said she would.”

Oh, God, Emily thought. He was tense and she wondered why. He was going to tell her something she wasn’t going to like. She could feel it coming because she knew him so well.

“It’s hard to believe a new year is just days away. Time is getting away from us, Emily. Opportunities have a way of knocking and people have a way of ignoring the knock on the door. I was never one of those people; how about you, Emily?”

She pretended not to know what he was talking about. “Oh, you mean like me enrolling in school? My opportunity, that kind of thing? I agree. And me getting pregnant? I think I’ll make a good mother, don’t you, Ian? I’m going to make a great teacher, too, because I just love kids. I can’t think of anything more rewarding than teaching little kids to read and write. I want to teach first grade. I’m really excited, Ian, that my turn is coming up.”

It wasn’t coming up, she could tell. Ian was going to spoil it. Still, she babbled on. “Remember our promise to each other, Ian. You promised me a baby and you promised I could go to school. That’s not going to change, is it?” She was tense now, nervous. She could feel a scream building up inside her. “I want to take courses all summer. June will be my cutoff date for work. Then in September I can start full time and maybe work a little, a few nights a week, maybe three hours a night twice a week.”

“You sound like you’ve really thought this all through, Emily,” Ian said quietly.

“I’ve thought about nothing but this for months now. Ian, I am bone tired. I can’t keep working like I’ve been working. I’m so frazzled at times I can’t see straight. Is there something wrong?”

“It depends on your definition of wrong, Emily. I don’t think there’s anything wrong, and everything right about what I’m going to say, but I know you’re going to think it’s wrong. I want to say now, before I tell you what I’d like us to do, that it will only benefit us and that’s what we set out to do. We’re here for the long haul, Emily, we can’t ever lose sight of that. Well?”

Emily could feel her heart start to flutter in her chest. “Well what? You’ve told me the why, you haven’t told me the what, although I can guess.”

“There you go again, Emily. What am I going to say?” Already Ian had inched away from her as he waited for her to say what was on her mind.

“I think you want to open a second clinic. I’m not as stupid as you think, Ian. I answered the phone when the bank called, not once, not twice, but at least a dozen times. Our accounts are in order so what else could it mean? I think you should have spoken to me about it before you went ahead and held discussions. We’re doing fine, we’re about to go into the black, in fact I think we’re already in the black. You want to saddle us with more debt. What am I going to get out of this, more years of hard work, agonizing work? Ian, I want a baby, a life. I want to go to school. You promised me. We didn’t agree to open clinics. One, yes. It will generate enough income for us to live quite well. I know how to manage money. We can have a wonderful life with time for ourselves. We can hire people and still have plenty of money. How much is enough? Tell me, how much? I see two hundred thousand dollars a year as a lot of money. That’s ours after all the bills and salaries have been paid. And you want to know something else, Ian, this perfume gives me a headache. I can’t wear it anymore. Well?”

“I can’t believe this is you talking, Emily. When did you become so closeminded? I’m sorry about the perfume. I assumed because I liked it that you would like it. I’ll take it back and get you something else. You’re right about the banker. This is an opportunity not to be missed. It fell in my lap, Emily. We’ll be fools to turn it down. We’ll literally be sitting on easy street if we go for it. I swear to you the second clinic will net us three quarters of a million a year. Put that together with our income from the Front Street clinic and we’ll be taking in a million a year. We’ll be millionaires, Emily. You and me, millionaires. It boggles my mind. A year, Emily, just one more year. The bank wouldn’t go for it if it wasn’t a sure thing. How can you even think about turning this down? I can’t believe that perfume gives you a headache. You’re busting my chops, aren’t you, Emily? Because you’re being selfish. You don’t want us to get ahead. You’re one of those people with no visions, no insights. I thought we were alike.”

“No, Ian, I’m not one of those people. The dream we had was limited. Family, schooling, success. I personally do not have any of the things I signed up for. I want a life, Ian. Can’t you understand that?”

“What’s a few years?” Ian huffed. “I’m not complaining, I’m the doctor here. I put in as much time as you do and I’m not whining about it. I’m prepared to put in another year to achieve what I thought was our dream. You’re letting me down, Emily.”

“Get off it, Ian. Arrogance should be included at the end of your name along with M.D. A few years, my butt! Try the word eternity. I’ve been working forever.”

“Emily!” Ian shouted in outrage.

“Ian,” Emily shouted in return. She wasn’t going to give in. Not this time. She tried to block out the tears in Ian’s eyes, the quiver in his lips. She would have succeeded if Ian hadn’t taken that moment to speak.

“I’m sorry, Emily. You’re right, I am selfish and greedy. Of course you can go to school. We’ll start trying for a baby, but I have to warn you, babies are expensive. There’s college and then medical school. Our kid is going to be a doctor and I don’t want him to have to struggle like I did. I know you, Emily, you’ll want to shower him or her with everything, the best preschool, the best private school, the best prep school. We’ll need a house with a yard, some household help for you, a station wagon, bikes, toys, that all costs money. Your schooling is going to cost a bundle, but I’m up for it if it’s really what you want. But that two hundred thousand is going to whittle down to say, maybe thirty thousand. And we can’t forget the insurance, more help at the clinic. Before you know it, we could be left with minimum wage as take-home pay. Let’s go for a walk, Emily. The wood you brought in was wet and the room’s kind of smoky. We need to clear our heads. We need to work off that grand dinner you made for us. A brisk walk will do us both some good. Later maybe we can have some turkey sandwiches with hot chocolate. I’ll even fix them. Can you forgive me, Emily?”

Emily dropped to her knees and laid her head in Ian’s lap. She cried. Ian cried too. “How long, Ian?”

“Fourteen months tops.”

“What do I have to do?”

“Work in the Front Street clinic from seven till eleven. Then you’d go to Terrill Road and work till one. You can still work your job at Heckling Pete’s because we’ll need that money for our personal living expenses. I don’t want to borrow more than I have to. It will be like now, you’ll be on the books, but your money stays in the corporation. I need to know in my heart that you can handle this, Emily, otherwise there’s no point in going ahead.”

“What I did sign on for was till death do us part, for better or worse. I’m being honest, Ian, I don’t think it can get worse so I guess you can count on me. I can’t work seven days a week anymore, Ian. I need some time for myself. Fourteen months. Swear to me on our unborn child.”

“Whatever it takes, Emily. I swear. You won’t regret this, honey, I am going to give you everything in the world. You wait. That’s a promise I mean to keep.”

“All I want is an education and a baby.”

“That too. Well, are you up for that walk?”

Emily tried to smile, tried to put some bounce in her step, tried to feel something for her husband at that moment, but it all fell flat.

Ian didn’t notice.