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Cry Me A River

Coreen’s Confessions

No more confessions. There’s nothing left to tell—except for how the story ends…

ALICE disappeared, and the compact and cluttered shop floor of Coreen’s Closet fell silent. I didn’t know what to say to him. However, Adam proved just how much he could say without pesky things like words getting in his way. The twinkle in his eyes—my twinkle—blazed out at me. Pretty soon it spread to the corners of his eyes, causing them to crease, and then it worked its way down to engulf his mouth. I was tempted to dive into that smile and lose myself in it.

‘Hi,’ he said, his voice low and warm. I reminded myself this was a Monday afternoon. I had no business thinking about Sunday mornings.

‘Hi,’ I said back.

We looked across the shop at each other.

‘Do you want to grab something to eat?’ he asked.

I sucked a mouthful of air in and held it in my lungs. ‘Maybe later.’ I glanced back at the open door to the office. ‘I’ve got some things I need to catch up on. After the weekend…’

It made me feel worse that he believed me.

‘Hold that thought!’ he said, his smile widening further. Then he walked over to me, dropped one sweet, intoxicating kiss on my lips and strolled out of the door.

After locking the door behind him, I went immediately to the washroom and reapplied my lipstick, and then I decided I ought to find something to do.

I found a couple of boxes to unload and reload, rooted around in my desk drawer for a lost stapler, and then rearranged my costume jewellery in its wood and glass display case. I was just about to turn my attention to the hatpin display when the door rattled. I didn’t have to look round to know who it was, and I didn’t need to ask what it was in the carrier bag he was holding—I could smell the delicious waft as soon as he entered the shop.

He plopped the bag down on the counter and headed straight through to the back office, flung his keys down on the desk and fetched the pink picnic hamper. I coughed before he unbuckled it, and he looked up.

‘Fish and chips?’ I asked, wrinkling my nose slightly.

The smile dropped from Adam’s face. ‘You don’t want fish and chips?’

I shook my head and clasped my hands low behind my back. ‘Actually, I have a hankering for Thai.’

He looked at the tightly wrapped paper bundles in the carrier bag. ‘But it’s hot, and I asked for onion vinegar especially for you.’ He started to unwrap the paper and a delicious acidic waft hit the back of my nose. Saliva pooled underneath my tongue.

I gave him my big-eyed ‘little girl’ look. ‘I really fancy Thai,’ I said, the lie sliding effortlessly through my evenly spaced teeth.

‘You’re sure about this?’ Adam gave the hot bundle of fish and chips a longing look. I nodded and blew him a kiss.

There was no eager yip, as one of my ‘puppies’ might have given, but he sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. I knew he was going to do it for me—not because I’d pushed him into a corner, but because his innate sense of chivalry had kicked in. ‘Okay, Thai it is.’ He shrugged. ‘At least it’s only a few doors down.’

I bit my lip.

On purpose.

‘What?’ he said, his voice heavy.

‘I don’t like that restaurant any more.’ I lowered my head a little and looked at him through my lashes. ‘I like the Blue Dragon.’

‘But that’s the other end of town!’

I did my coquettish little one-shouldered shrug. ‘You did say you’d get it for me…’

He gave me a long, hard stare, and then he picked up the hamper and disappeared into the back office again. While he was gone, I pinched a couple of chips from one of the parcels, stuffed them into my mouth and then quickly rearranged the packet so it looked as if none were missing.

My, those chips were good. Heavenly, in fact. I closed my eyes and licked the salt off my lips.

I had to swallow quickly when I heard Adam returning, minus hamper but in possession of his car keys. Something inside me sank. This was what I’d wanted, but a part of me hadn’t wanted it to be this easy, hadn’t wanted Adam to be predictable like all the others.

I was leaning against the cash desk, arms bracing me, and he peeled one of my hands off the shiny surface, turned its palm upwards. ‘I don’t play games and you know that,’ he said as he dropped the keys into my waiting palm. ‘If you want curry from the Blue Dragon, you’re going to have to get it yourself.’

My skin began to prickle. Damn it. I liked this new Adam with the menacing edge to his voice too much.

Okay, he might not have been as predictable as I’d both feared and hoped he would be, but that didn’t mean I was going to let him outmanoeuvre me. I pushed the keys against his chest and let go. He caught them on a reflex.

‘I’m not driving that hulking machine of yours ’round these narrow streets,’ I said, glaring at him and stood up. ‘Fine. I’ll get my dinner myself.’

‘Fine,’ he said, glaring back at me.

I didn’t really want to, but what choice did I have? I picked up my purse and stalked out of the shop and up the road to the Spice Heaven. Ten minutes later I was back, with a curry I didn’t really want.

Adam had moved into the back room, but his chivalry thing had decreed he wait for me. A parcel of fish and chips was waiting unopened on his lap. As soon as he saw me he dived in. I set to work opening my plastic tubs and dishing rice and curry onto a pink plate.

Adam wasn’t ‘twinkling’ so much now. He stared at his fish and chips in silence. It didn’t look appetising. But then cold fish and chips never do.

I ate a bit of my food, and then resorted to pushing it around my plate and taking the odd nibble when I felt Adam’s eyes on me—which was more often than not, unfortunately. Coconut milk and onion vinegar definitely did not make a good taste combination. This was no comfortable silence we were enjoying. I knew he was thinking hard, trying to work out what his next move would be.

‘I’m off in three days,’ he said as he bit into a chip, grimaced and dropped it back into the open parcel on his lap. ‘You sure you won’t change your mind and come with me? I think you’d really enjoy it.’

This was not just an invitation. I could tell by the wariness in his eyes that it was a test. I dabbed at the corner of my mouth with a pink paper napkin and shook my head. I needed Adam to go away on his own. This whole thing was going to be so much harder to accomplish if he didn’t.

He put his parcel down, stood up and walked across to where I was perched on the edge of my desk.

‘Please don’t, Coreen.’

I pretended not to understand. ‘I don’t do humidity,’ I said blithely, and attempted a cheeky smile. It wasn’t a good attempt. It stayed in place, but it felt as if it was only hanging there by a thread.

Adam took the plate out of my hands and put it on the desk behind me. ‘I told you that you don’t need to be this way with me. You don’t need to be that girl with me.’

And there, in a nutshell, was the problem. Because I really did need to be that girl with Adam. It was the only way I could keep myself intact. So if he didn’t want me this way then maybe he shouldn’t have me at all. I raised my chin a notch.

‘It’s who I am, Adam. If anyone knows what I’m like, you do.’

Liar. Coward. Those two words rang in my ears as I watched him digest what I had just said.

A siren sounded somewhere on my desk. My phone. My current ring tone was the song ‘The Girl Can’t Help It’ from the Jayne Mansfield movie of the same name, police siren and all. I never missed my phone ringing any more, but it drove other people nuts.

I retrieved it, grateful for an excuse not to look Adam the eye for a few seconds, but when I saw who it was calling I sent him straight to voicemail. Adam stared at me.

‘That was Nicholas,’ I said lightly, keeping a close watch on his reaction. ‘He’s not such an idiot after all, it seems. The plan worked. He wants me to go to dinner with him on Saturday evening.’

Reaction-wise, I got more than I bargained for. I don’t think sound escaped Adam’s lips, but he looked as if he were snarling. ‘Coreen…’

I slid my phone closed and smiled brightly at him. ‘Even Nicholas came to heel in the end. Just goes to show that no man is completely untrainable.’

Except Adam.

‘Stop it, Coreen.’

I don’t think my expression held quite the right level of innocence and guilelessness that I’d aimed for. Probably because everything inside me seemed four times heavier than normal. Even my face felt heavy. ‘What do you mean?’

He turned his head. Too disgusted to look at me, I guessed. I pretty much felt the same way.

‘I know what you are doing.’

And I knew that he knew. But I couldn’t stop. It was the only way to save both of us from a lifetime of heartache.

I didn’t say anything. I’d planned to tell him I was going to accept Nicholas’s offer of dinner, but it turned out even I wasn’t despicable enough to do that. It’s nice to have a least one redeeming feature: Coreen Fraser, not quite pond scum.

There was no point in lying any further, anyway. Adam knew Nicholas was just a diversion. He stood up, towering above me as I rested against the desk, only inches between us. Close enough to reach out and touch if I was stupid enough. Weak enough.

Soft fingers curled around my chin and pushed it upwards until I had no choice but to look at him. That’s when the tears started to fall, running down my cheeks and trailing down my neck, each one following the track of its predecessor. Adam’s expression softened. It was as if something in his eyes had opened and I could see deep down inside him, see all the treasure I’d been half-blind to all these years. Strength. Courage. Loyalty. All the qualities I lacked.

I knew my feelings for him were written clearly over my face, because I saw a spark of hope in his eyes. I couldn’t let it live. I tensed my jaw and the last pair of tears fell. With every ounce of my strength I arranged my features into blankness. I wound up my shutters, pushed him away without even moving. Without even breathing.

He saw it too. And I wished he hadn’t opened those windows to let me see inside, because now I saw it all turn to ash. I saw the desolation, the rage, the pain. I knew I was breaking both his heart and mine.

He stepped back, shell shocked, and I realised that up until that moment he’d never considered that there would be anything but a Happy Ever After for us, even if I had to be dragged into it kicking and screaming. That light, that welcoming light, the one that had always been there for me in his eyes, sputtered and disappeared.

Something really had been murdered this weekend. And I was the one who’d killed it.

I realised that holding all the power, having that ultimate control I had always craved, tasted nowhere near as sweet as I’d imagined it would. In fact it made me sick to my stomach.

Now Adam’s shutters came down too. He picked up his car keys, clenched them into his fist, and gave me one last rigid look. I knew those windows would never open again. Not for me, anyway. The thought of them doing so for another girl one day almost drew a cry from my lips, but I held it back, finally getting a handle on the ‘controlling my face’ thing.

Adam turned and walked away. Out of the shop and out of my life. I realised that somewhere in the back of my head I’d foolishly thought he’d eventually forgive me for this one day. After all, I was only being me. Vintage Coreen. He’d always forgiven me before. But as I ran to the doorway that led to the shop floor and hung on to the frame I saw him stride away down the road and realised he never would. I’d taken it too far.

I stood there motionless, hardly breathing, my fingernails folded into my palms. It would have been a good time for the violins to play, to swell around me in melody sweet and sad and sharp enough to make hearts bleed, but I made yet another discovery: there was nothing romantic about moments like this.

Nothing romantic at all.

A limousine arrived to pick me up at seven on Saturday evening. It took me over the river, wove skilfully through the London traffic and deposited me at an exclusive little restaurant in the West End. I was fussed over and shown to a table, where Nicholas was waiting for me.

He rose as I approached and kissed my hand. From anyone other than Nicholas I would have thought it was too smooth to be true, but he really was like that all charm and effortless manners.

‘You look stunning,’ he said as he pulled my chair out for me.

‘Thank you.’

I did look good. I hadn’t worn the red dress, though. I’d chosen an Audrey Hepburn-esque little black dress and put my hair up. Nicholas liked the pared-down minx, after all, and it didn’t go to give a man the impression he had even the tiniest bit of control over what a girl did. The lipstick was crimson, of course, but I’d faltered when it had come to the shoes.

I’d looked at the array of different styles and shades of red in the bottom of my wardrobe, had tried loads on, but discarded them all. I’d ended up nipping over to the shop and borrowing the black suede evening shoes with the bow on the front. But I was so used to wearing nothing but red on my feet that every time I looked down I had the feeling that something was wrong. They pinched my little toes as well, but what the heck?

As you can tell, I reverted to the original plan after Adam left.

Okay, straight after Adam left I stumbled home, ate two pints of Devilish Diva chocolate ice cream, watched three black-and-white movies back-to-back and then sobbed into my pillow until morning. But that had been five whole days ago now, and despite the fact I had repeated the process on the two following nights I had forced myself to get up and move on. Hence the plan.

It had been a good plan, after all.

Adam had been right—I was ready for something more serious than puppy-training. I was ready for a serious relationship. With someone like Nicholas. Someone who thought that girl was funny and sparkly and full of pizzazz. Someone who couldn’t see through the dizzying parade of polka dots, who couldn’t make them transparent with just one look.

Only…

As we ate the exquisite food and chatted in the candlelight I kept looking at my Perfect Man and noticing lots of silly little things.

The fan of creases at the side of his eyes, for one. They didn’t appear often enough, and when they did they didn’t make me feel like melted marshmallow inside. The eyes were all wrong, of course. Too clear. Too blue. No cheeky little glimmers inside that dragged the corners of my mouth up, whether I liked it or not. And I just kept wanting to lean across the table and unto his top button, or muss his hair up a little. Sometimes perfection can be a little too uniform.

I sighed. I was being picky, wasn’t I?

Deep down, I knew why. Deep down, I tried to tell myself all about it. But somewhere nearer the surface I squished it down again—a kind of mental sticking of the fingers in one’s ears and singing ‘la-la-la’, I suppose.

Nicholas topped my glass up with fizz that was a hundred times better than the stuff I usually got at the corner shop.

‘Coreen?’

‘Mm-hm?’

‘Is everything okay?’

I flashed him my Marilyn smile. ‘Absolutely wonderful.’

He glanced over his left shoulder. ‘You seem to be fascinated by something behind me. Is there something wrong with the restaurant? And you keep sighing.’

‘No.’ I shook my head emphatically. ‘The restaurant is lovely. I wasn’t looking at anything in particular…’ Not in these elegant surroundings, anyway. But I was hardly going to own up to the mental slide show that had been distracting me.

Adam’s grin as he stole yet another sweet and sour pork ball.

His face close to mine as he adjusted a pair of hideous tortoiseshell glasses.

The look in his eyes as I sang my mum’s favourite song.

I put those thoughts away and shuffled through the images of the previous weekend, trying to find a nice one of Nicholas—like the time when he’d congratulated me on geeing everybody up, or when he’d asked me to dance—but they were all fuzzy and out of focus.

I let out a breath, long and slow. Nicholas’s eyebrows dipped at the edges. Maybe he’d been taking lessons from Robert. He looked down at his architecturally beautiful dessert and then up at me again.

‘I’m still too late, aren’t I?’

I tried to deny it, but the words wouldn’t come. Dissolved by the fizzing bubbles of the vintage champagne, no doubt. Nicholas, gentleman that he was, said nothing further. He was charming and interesting as we finished our meal, attentive and amusing during coffee and on the limo ride home. The kiss he pressed on my cheek as we parted was decidedly platonic.

I stood with my key in the lock and watched the limo pull away into the starlit summer night. Not once did I sigh. I felt like Cinderella in reverse. I’d gone to the ball only to wind up with the pumpkin. No, that wasn’t fair to Nicholas. He was everything I’d imagined him to be.

It was just that he wasn’t my pumpkin, and no amount of wishing would make it otherwise.

I held up fine until I got into the flat and ran to the kitchen, but as I opened the freezer and reached for yet another tub of Devilish Diva I paused and my fingers numbed on its frosty surface. Seemed I was going to bypass the ice cream stage and fall headlong into the sobbing stage. Gluey tears, a waterfall at the back of my nose and some rather unattractive snorting noises to follow.

I pulled the ice cream tub out of the freezer, clutched it to my chest, and then closed the freezer door, turned around and slid down it until I was sitting on the kitchen floor.

Why did it still hurt? Why did it hurt more? I hadn’t made the fatal mistake of following him. I was doing the right thing, wasn’t I?

Suddenly I got really angry. I dropped the ice cream and stumbled to my feet with all the grace of a new-born giraffe, kicking off the uncomfortable black heels as I did so, and ran into the living room to stare at the picture of my mother, back in its proper place on the mantelpiece.

‘It’s all your fault!’ I screamed. ‘You did this to me. This is your legacy and I don’t want it! I don’t want it!’ I picked up the frame and hurled it across the room. It hit the fake zebra skin rug and shattered. I made a horrible gurgling noise down in my throat—it could have been the word no, trapped by the raw swelling there—and then ran over to the frame. Shards of glass lay on the floor, but the wood was still intact. I smiled. And then I cried. And then I cried harder.

Carefully, I bent down to pick it up and shook the loose glass onto the floor. Then I held it in both hands, my knuckles paling, and stared down at her. Although the laughing face never changed, her expression seemed to sober. I searched her eyes out and locked on to them. Laughing eyes, I reminded myself. Happy eyes. I didn’t want to see anything else.

But even that didn’t work. Clouds passed over the eyes too. It was as if she was looking back at me, trying to send me a message.

Don’t be a fool like I was. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

‘I’m trying not to,’ I whispered, my voice thin and high. ‘But it’s not working. I just feel… I feel…’ I closed my eyes and wept silent tears. There was no point in denying it to myself any longer. No point in trying to wedge my blinkers back on my stubborn head.

I was in love with Adam and I always would be.

But it wasn’t in my genes to balance. Two-way street? Hah! Anyone who knew me understood that I hogged the road and behaved as if I had my own personal police escort when I drove. And it would be no different in love. As whole-hearted as I’d been at bending the world to my will and making it serve me, I’d show the same total commitment to loving Adam.

I knew I could give to him and never stop giving. Never stop until I was a grey shadow of myself, just as my mother had been. And then I wouldn’t be the woman Adam had fallen in love with any more. That’s when the rot would set in.

Oh, he’d stay at first. I didn’t doubt that. Adam didn’t disappoint, after all. But we’d stagnate, grow to hate each other, and he deserved so much more. So much more than a woman who would always be waiting for the moment when she found the note on the mantelpiece, when she found a dent in the pillow but the bed cold and empty…

If there was one person I couldn’t be Left Behind by, it was Adam. So maybe it was better that I’d taken fate into my own hands and chosen the moment we’d part, rather than having it thrust upon me years from now, when I’d been lulled into a false sense of security.

I risked a look at Mum. She was smiling again, eyes laughing. Had I imagined the rest?

Couldn’t you have found a nice man? I whispered mentally. A good man who wouldn’t have abandoned you and sucked you dry? A man with a safe pair of hands to hold your heart? Then you might still be here. I might have had you long enough to—

A safe pair of hands.

Oh.

I wasn’t sure whether I was frowning or smiling, and a nerve in my cheek worked overtime as it tried to decide which one. I was just like my mother, but it had taken me up until now to understand all that that meant. All that it could mean.

Perhaps my red suede ballet pumps hadn’t been the way to go. I know the boat driver had recommended sensible footwear, but for me this was sensible footwear. I’d heard Langwaki was a tourist hotspot, so I’d expected it to be quite cosmopolitan, but I hadn’t realised just how many islands there were in the archipelago. While some had bustling resorts, the island I was speeding through a turquoise sea towards was apparently home to only one hotel.

My hair, however, had lived up to expectations, so I wasn’t totally wrong-footed.

I soon forgot all about the frizz, though, because the scenery was stunning—full of mountainous islands covered so completely in rainforest that only a sliver of pale yellow at the water’s edge broke up their unrelenting green caps. I turned to look out of the other side of the boat, not wanting to miss a thing, and realised we must be nearing our destination. Rather than skimming past the closest island we were heading straight for it. As we rounded a jutting headland the resort came into view. I think I may have stopped breathing.

This was no ordinary hotel. It wasn’t the rough, wooden, tree-hugging backpackers’ base I’d imagined either. No, this…this was more like an exotic fairytale.

As far as I could see along the shore were wooden chalets on stilts, their legs in the water, some of them more than one storey, all with pointed red-tiled roofs. From the midst of the cluster of waterborne buildings a walkway jutted out towards us, with a larger structure on the end. The boat docked beside some steps that led up to what I now realised was a reception area, and the other passengers began to disembark.

I let them flow around me.

This was obviously a luxurious and well-established resort. Was I really in the right place? I checked the name with the boat driver and he nodded emphatically. I had no choice but to ascend the stairs and carry on my journey.

I arrived in the reception area and headed straight for the wide, glossy, dark wood reception desk. A young woman in a smart collarless red jacket smiled at me. I cleared my throat.

‘I’m looking for Adam Conrad? He builds—’

‘Ah, yes. Mr Conrad. I will arrange for someone to take you to him.’

She clapped her hands twice and a lad in the same uniform appeared from nowhere and motioned for me to follow him. I trailed along behind him, listening to his commentary in accented English on the hotel, its history, the fauna and flora of the island, and how excited everyone was about the new eco-friendly treehouse development on the resort. I just nodded vacantly as I followed him through a maze of walkways that linked the chalets and then finally led onto dry land, over the top of a silky white beach and on into the jungle into a section of the resort that wasn’t yet open to visitors.

After a few minutes we stopped at a plank bridge strung over a small ravine, which led to yet another stilted wooden chalet on the other side. But where the other chalets had been a traditional Malaysian design, this had a flowing, organic shape. Modern, yet beautiful.

My guide pointed across the bridge and nodded, then scampered away back towards the ocean.

I inhaled, then gently planted my ballet pumps on the bridge. It didn’t lurch or swing and I picked up speed. The canopy of leaves high over my head let in pale golden light. I knew the jungle was probably the same here all year round, but to me everything looked fresh and recently sprouted, ready to bud.

As I reached the chalet I saw it was merely another mini-reception area. From this point the bridges and walkways headed off into the trees in different directions. There was no polite young lady in red behind the desk this time, but a foreman in dirty work clothes.

‘I’m looking for Adam Conrad,’ I said.

He nodded, then pointed to the walkway on the far right.

‘Thank you.’ I began to walk again, and this time the planks took me upwards into the trees until I reached a platform that circled one of the larger trunks. Two further walkways sprouted from this platform. Which way now?

I looked back at the man in the hut and he made giant arm gestures, pointing me right yet again. I kept my eyes on my feet as I climbed higher, but after a handful of steps I stopped and let out a loud gasp.

The ground had dropped away beneath me. Down below I could see a stream, rushing over the rocky hillside towards the beach. There was even a small waterfall, framed with ferns. I shook my head slowly in amazement, but when I looked up even that stopped. In front of me was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. A whole village of treehouses, dotted here and there in the jungle, some big, some small, all of them similar pleasing organic shapes, and all connected by a lattice of rope bridges, platforms and walkways. The design was asymmetrical, yet oddly harmonious.

Every pod-like chalet was set a short distance from the main walkway and could be reached by flowing wooden steps. Some had only short flights. Some curled round the trees like spiral staircases.

I spun around on my heels, taking it all in, letting the circular motion create a breeze where there was none, ruffling through my simple fifties sundress and cooling my skin.

I could hear voices, but I wasn’t sure where they were coming from. One of the treehouses close by, I thought. I set off, keeping my ears trained on the sound. Listening for Sunday morning.

I stopped when the voices were directly above me, in one of the treehouses that could be reached by a spiral staircase. A man appeared at the top of the steps and I waited until he was halfway down before I approached him.

‘Hi,’ I said, and he almost jumped three feet in the air. I suppose he wasn’t used to seeing frizzy-haired women in white sundresses wandering round the jungle. ‘I’m looking for Adam Conrad.’ He replied in broken English and pointed up the winding staircase. I smiled my thanks and climbed up.

The main room of the treehouse was stunning. Even though this part of the resort was still officially under construction, it was obviously very close to completion, because it was fully furnished and decorated. In the centre of the room was a large bed, covered in crisp white linen, surrounded by a dark-stained wood and cane frame. The walls were also white, and though such a stark colour scheme should have looked bare, the golden-green light from the jungle outside spilled in through a large opening at the far end, making the room seemed fresh and clean and inviting.

My ballet pumps made hardly any noise as I crossed into the centre of the room, looking all around.

‘Adam?’ I only whispered his name, overcome by a sudden attack of nerves. I had no idea how he’d react to my arrival on his territory. If I’d been him I wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me.

For a moment all I could hear was the fluttering of the sheer white curtains that half covered an open space on the far side of the room, but then I heard a creaking noise outside, and as I looked more closely I realised there was a balcony built onto the edge of the room, joining it with the jungle outside, making it seem as if one flowed into the other.

And then I saw him. Adam. Standing by a wooden railing, gazing out into the unending foliage. I walked up to the threshold until I was half in, half-out of the room, my suede-clad feet silent on the polished wooden floor. But as I stepped out onto the balcony I let my foot slap down, announcing my presence.

Adam spun round and his mouth dropped open.

I’d thought I couldn’t ruffle Adam’s feathers, thought I’d lost the knack, but I’d never seen him so off-balance. It went deeper than momentary surprise, however. His face seemed different. The lines were etched in harder and there were smudges of darkness under his eyes.

My nose stung furiously. I’d done this to him.

I’d thought I understood how much I’d hurt him, but until this moment I hadn’t. I really hadn’t.

‘Hi,’ I said, and my heart clog-danced against my ribs.

I couldn’t hold his gaze. Stupidly, I’d thought I might see a flicker of the old warmth there, but there was nothing. I’d never realised brown could look so cold and uninviting. I couldn’t keep my greedy eyes off him for long, though. As much as it hurt, I had to let them feast on him. It felt as if I hadn’t seen him in months. In years. But I suppose that fitted. I’d spent a whole lifetime not seeing Adam Conrad. How stupid and cowardly and selfish I’d been.

‘What are you doing here?’ he said quietly, not moving—as if doing so would cause me to vanish in a puff of smoke.

I took a step forward. ‘I missed my best friend.’

He closed his eyes and then slowly opened the lids, his body sagging slightly. ‘I’m not sure you and I can ever be friends again,’ he replied carefully.

I was being stupid, edging my way up to what I wanted to say to him, and my first clumsy attempts had made it sound as if this was all about what I wanted, what I needed. It’s just that I was terrified. Terrified I really had taken things too far this time—beyond the point of no return—and that I’d destroyed the one thing I treasured most in the process. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness, but I had to try.

‘I know,’ I said in a quiet voice. ‘But while you’ve been away I’ve had time to think. Really think.’

Adam gave me a look that said he wasn’t sure ‘thinking’ would solve my problems. A swift kick in the pants, maybe…

I moved closer, until I was almost at the balcony railing with him, but the sentence I’d planned fluttered away as I took in the view.

Because of the steep hillside we seemed to be floating in the air. Before us was the jungle—tall trees, waxy-leaved plants, the odd bright spot of colour—and beyond that, just visible through the dense vegetation, the white gold of a beach, topped by a shimmering sea.

‘I think this is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen,’ I whispered.

Adam turned away from me again and placed his hands on the railings. ‘I said you’d like it.’ His voice was flat and expressionless, but at least he was talking to me. He talked towards the jungle, keeping his gaze straight ahead. ‘What do you want from me?’

I swallowed. This was it. All the games, all the side stepping and self-protection had to end now. Telling the old Adam I cared for him would have been hard, but confessing it to the new Adam…it was nigh on impossible. This Adam was far more dangerous—and not just because I’d opened my eyes to the attraction that had been so very obvious to almost every other woman he met.

This Adam had the power to crush me, to turn me into that pining, hopeless woman I’d never wanted to be. Where old Adam would have grudgingly forgiven me eventually, this man I loved probably wouldn’t. Probably shouldn’t. But he had my heart anyway, and I knew that if I was ever going to have the slightest chance of repairing things with him I needed to offer it to him as a sacrifice. If he plunged a knife in it, so be it. I was helpless to do otherwise.

I matched his position at the railing, staring out over the lush greenery as I collected myself, but after a few heartbeats I turned to face him and waited until he looked round. He didn’t turn fully, just glanced warily over his hunched shoulders and stiff arms.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, and darn it if I didn’t start to cry again. What was wrong with me these days? I took a moment to hold the flat of my finger under my eyelashes, mopping up the moisture, and to still my trembling mouth. When I pulled my fingers away they were moist and grey. ‘I really am sorry…for all the things I said, all the things I did. All the things I tried to do…’

I inhaled, collecting my courage together.

‘But I also came to tell you that you are wrong.’

I saw a flash of surprise in Adam’s eyes, swiftly replaced by anger. Surely that had to be better than nothing, than the deadness I’d put there? I carried on, feeling braver. ‘Love isn’t a two-way street. Love isn’t about balance.’

He stood up and opened his mouth to contradict me, but the words died on his lips as I reached out and curved my palm around the side of his face, as I smiled into his eyes. He froze beneath my touch, and I knew I might be making the biggest fool of myself ever, but I couldn’t stop now. There were things that needed to be said. ‘Love does mean total surrender, because…’

I let my fingers brush across his cheek, his jaw, the contact thrilling me, connecting me to him. A pulse of electricity travelled all the way up my arm and detonated somewhere in my chest.

My voice was watery when I spoke again. ‘Because there is no balance in the way I feel about you, Adam Conrad. No balance at all. And it scares me…’ my voice wobbled and croaked ‘…so much.’

Still no thaw. Still no swirl of caramel in those hard eyes. I felt my stomach sink to the jungle floor, way below us.

‘The way I feel about you… It’s all that I am. It’s everything. I finally realised what my mother’s true legacy was, why I’m proud to be like her.’

He held my gaze, gave me a moment to gather my next words.

‘Just like her, I have the capacity to give my heart fully and completely. Without reservation.’ My face crumpled slightly. ‘She didn’t choose well, though. But I have. I’ve found a very safe pair of hands for my heart.’

In one swift movement Adam pushed himself up from leaning on the railing and pulled me into his arms. We stood forehead to forehead, chest to chest, our hearts thudding against each other.

‘I love you, Adam. More than life itself.’

I kissed him—slowly, softly, sweetly—on the lips, for the first time with the full knowledge of how I felt and what that meant. No more hiding, no more running. He didn’t respond at first, and I wondered if, despite his feelings for me, he might never be able to trust me with his heart in return. I really didn’t deserve it, after all.

And then I pulled back and waited, my hand still curved around his cheek. It seemed as if my heart had closed its eyes and counted to a hundred before he reacted, before I saw any change at all in his features.

His eyes melted and his hand closed over mine. He peeled my fingers from his face. He turned my palm over and graced it with the softest kiss. He opened his mouth, but I pressed a finger to his lips.

‘I haven’t finished yet,’ I said.

Adam smiled behind my finger, his eyes on fire, and his lips squashed into strange shapes as he tried to talk. ‘I love it when you get all bossy with me.’

I ironed out my answering grin and became serious again. ‘I’m giving everything to you because I know you will give the woman you love all of yourself in return.’ I placed my hand on his chest and stared at my fingers there. ‘This good heart is strong and loyal and faithful, and I wondered if, one day, you might trust me enough to make it…’ I risked a look up at him and said with a trembling voice, ‘Mine?’

Adam gave me a look so intense I thought the soles of my shoes would melt. Then he cupped his hand behind my head and kissed me until it spun.

‘Always yours,’ he said softly, his smile swinging back into place. ‘Always was, always will be.’

That was all I needed to know. I grinned back.

His gaze roved over me, drinking me in. ‘I see that girl hasn’t completely disappeared.’

I shook my head. ‘You wouldn’t have it any other way. Life would be very boring if she wasn’t around to keep you on your toes.’

He let out a gruff laugh. ‘I see we’re going to have to work on that one.’

He didn’t say any more, just stared at me, and I stared back at him. There was a whole conversation going on between our eyes, but I had no idea what language it was in. I didn’t much care, because while my mind didn’t understand the words, my heart had caught his meaning and was nodding in agreement.

Adam brushed his thumb across my bottom lip. My eyelids fluttered shut and I let out a sigh.

‘I see the red lipstick is here to stay,’ he said.

I tipped my head back and parted my lips further, ignoring his comments and replying with an invitation of my own. When he didn’t respond I cranked one eyelid open slightly.

‘Yep. It’s staying,’ I said, a smile warming my lips. And then I closed my lids again. ‘But you have my full permission to kiss it off any time you like.’

He chuckled. But, Adam being Adam, didn’t disappoint.