Читать книгу As Good As It Gets? - Fiona Gibson, Fiona Gibson - Страница 14

Rosie is so thrilled about being signed up by Face that the comment seems to bounce right off her. But it sticks with me – as I’m sure it does with Will – following us home and niggling away in my head like a small, persistent worm.

Of course, Rosie knows Will isn’t her biological father, and I’ve never made any secret of that. ‘Your birth daddy,’ I explained when she was little, ‘is someone I met when I was travelling around Europe, and it just didn’t work out with us.’ She’d ask where he was now, and I’d say – truthfully – that I didn’t know. That was enough back then. She’d accept it and get on with playing with her cars and garage. Then, by the time she was eight or nine, the questions became trickier:

Did you love my birth daddy?

We were both so young, darling.

I know, but were you IN LOVE?

(Gigantic swallow.) Yes, I suppose we were at the time. We weren’t together for very long, though, so I didn’t know him like I know Daddy.

Did you love him as much as you love Daddy?

It was just different …

How different?

Well, Daddy and me … we’re a family and it’s a deep, real love.

The sort that lasts for ever and ever?

Yes. (Said with certainty then. These days, I’m not sure I’d be able to answer with such rock-solid confidence.) So I dealt with her questions as best I could – although at times it felt like being pelted with tennis balls. And, although I try to reassure myself that I’ve always been honest and open, I’ve never told her about Fraser’s sudden disappearing act, or his mother’s subsequent letter with the bird seed and cheque. It would sound far too hurtful and rejecting. Anyway, luckily, Rosie has seemed pretty satisfied with my explanations so far. Although she knows Fraser’s name, she has made no attempt to track him down, as far as I am aware. In fact, just a year or so ago, when the subject came up – she asked if I thought he might live in London – she quickly added, ‘He’s not a big deal to me, you know, Mum. Dad’s my dad. He always will be. I don’t care about genes and stuff like that.’

Plus, while we use the phrase ‘birth daddy’, it’s misleading as Fraser was presumably 200 miles away in Manchester, in his fancy turreted house, when Rosie was born (my own parents were with me, holding my hand and being completely fantastic). But what else to call him? ‘Biological’ brings to mind warfare – or washing powder – and ‘real dad’ wouldn’t be right either. Will is Rosie’s real father, in every way that matters.

And what a dad he is, throwing together an impromptu feast when we arrive home to celebrate Rosie’s success at the agency, despite not really approving of modelling at all. We invite Liza, plus Nina, who’s been Rosie’s best friend since their first day at school, and Ollie appears with his friends Saul and Danny. ‘When d’you think they’ll call me?’ Rosie asks when we’re all tucking into marinated lamb around our garden table.

‘Soon, I bet,’ Nina says, her light brown hair shining in the evening sun. ‘It’s going to be amazing, Ro. Oh my God. Your whole life’s going to change! You’ll get loads of free clothes and meet famous people. You’ll be invited to film premieres and parties …’

‘Just wait and see what happens,’ Liza says, placing a hand over Rosie’s. ‘Try not to stress about it, love.’

‘I won’t,’ she asserts. ‘I’m not stressed at all. It’s just …’ She bursts out laughing. ‘I’m just so excited!’ I look at my daughter, and can almost see the joy radiating from her. It’s like the old Rosie – or rather, the younger Rosie – who’d whoop with delight when we arrived at the beach, and pelt to the sea, still in a T-shirt and shorts, desperate to plunge in. She didn’t march ahead in shopping malls. She held my hand whenever we were out, and we’d spend hours at the kitchen table together, making pictures with glitter and glue.

Isn’t she the absolute image of her dad? the agency man had remarked. Well, yes – both she and Will have striking blue eyes and generous, expressive mouths. But of course, any similarities are coincidental.

In fact, she really looks like Fraser. I pretend she doesn’t – that she’s far more like me – but occasionally she’ll look a certain way, and it’s him, the boy I fell for on a train to Paris. We’d caught each other’s eye as a bunch of rowdy Scousers had burst into a rendition of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ at the other end of the carriage. ‘Don’t know about you,’ Fraser murmured, leaning across the aisle towards me, ‘but I can’t stand Queen. I actually can’t listen to them. They make me feel ill.’

‘Me too,’ I’d replied, and we’d quickly agreed that this song in particular had a fervently sick-making effect. It had bonded us, stifling laughter as the boys filled the carriage with raucous singing; by the time they reached the Beelzebub part, we were in hysterics. From that day on, we were inseparable. Although I’d had a few boyfriends before, I’d never been properly in love. And here I was, not Inter-railing alone after all but hopping around Europe with a beautiful blond boy with posh vowels and perfect teeth.

After our travels I’d wait at Euston for him to step off the Manchester train. My life revolved around our weekends together. I try not to think about it but occasionally, especially when Will seems to be inhabiting his own, private universe and stomps about with his hoe, I can’t help it. Why did Fraser just leave us like that? It seemed completely un-him. He’d always phoned every day – until he stopped phoning – and would always bring a small present for me: a necklace, a battered paperback we’d talked about, or a CD to boost my meagre collection.

‘Maybe you didn’t really know him,’ Mum said gently, meaning well but causing me to fly on the defensive. Of course I had! I’d known him for a whole eight months. Okay, put like that it didn’t seem long, but to me it had felt as if my life had been divided into two parts – before and after Fraser. I’d never met anyone I felt so right with, from the very start. Trouble was, the ‘after’ part soon lurched from our lovely weekends together, to being without him with no explanation at all.

It’s getting closer, too – the moment when Rosie will announce that she wants to track him down. It’s as inevitable as her falling in love, and leaving home and having her heart broken for the first time, and it’s terrifying.

‘Let me help with those,’ Liza says, breaking off from her conversation with Will as I gather up the plates.

‘No, it’s fine, honestly. It’s lovely out here in the sunshine. Just relax and enjoy it.’

In the kitchen, I set about loading the dishwasher, trying not to fixate on what we’ll do if Fraser turns out to be un-track-downable, or dead – or if we do find him, and he’s a whopping disappointment to Rosie. Or, perhaps worse, he turns out to be completely fantastic and she adores him instantly, and thereafter regards Will as a substandard fake dad. There’s always the option of ignoring the whole issue, and hoping it’ll miraculously go away – like when my last car started making strange grinding noises. I pretended it wasn’t happening, gamely driving around until the grinding turned into an almighty racket of things crunching and snapping and that was it, the big end – whatever that was – had ‘gone’. If only you’d dealt with it sooner, the garage mechanic told me, you’d have avoided a disaster like this.

Of course, I reflect, Fraser Johnson probably has a family of his own now and might refuse to see Rosie at all. How would that feel, to be rejected by the person who half-made her? There are so many possible outcomes, all of which make me feel a little bit sick. Through the window, I watch Will and Liza laughing at the garden table and mentally tell myself off for imagining problems when, as yet, there aren’t any. ‘We’ll deal with it if – and when – it happens,’ has been Will’s rather brave, reassuring line on the whole Fraser issue.

Just like he’s dealing with this, the prospect of Rosie launching into a world we know nothing about, which seems to involve lots of shrieking at the agency, and girls photographed with filthy hair. Really, I should just give myself a damn good shake and be grateful for what I have.