Читать книгу The Teenage Brain: A neuroscientist’s survival guide to raising adolescents and young adults - Frances Jensen E. - Страница 8

What was he thinking?

My beautiful, auburn-haired son had just returned home from a friend’s house with his hair dyed jet-black. Despite my inward panic, I said nothing.

“I want to get red streaks in it,” he told me nonchalantly.

I was gob-smacked. Is this really my child!? I’d begun to ask the question often during my fifteen-year-old son Andrew’s sophomore year at a private high school in Massachusetts, all the while trying to be empathetic. I was a divorced working mother of two teenage sons, putting in long hours as a clinician and professor at Boston Children’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School. So if I sometimes felt guilty about the time I spent away from my boys, I also was determined to be the best mother I could be. After all, I was a faculty member in a pediatric neurology department and actively researching brain development. Kids’ brains were my business.

But my sweet-natured firstborn son had suddenly become unfamiliar, unpredictable, and bent on being different. He had just transferred from a very conventional middle school that went through ninth grade, where jackets and ties were the norm, to a very progressive high school. Upon arriving, he took full advantage of the new environment, and part of that was to dress in what you might describe as an “alternative” style. Let’s face it, his best friend had spiky blue hair. Need I say more?

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. Getting mad at him, I knew, wouldn’t do either of us any good and probably would only alienate him further. At least he felt comfortable enough to tell me about something he wanted to do before he actually did it. This was an opportunity, I realized, and I quickly seized it.

Instead of damaging your hair with some cheap, over-the-counter dye, what if I take you to my hair guy for the red streaks? I asked him. Since I also was going to pay for it, Andrew happily agreed. My hair stylist, who was a sort of punk rocker himself, got totally into the task. He did a great job, actually—so good that Andrew’s girlfriend at the time was inspired to color her hair in exactly the same black-and-red motif. She attempted this herself, and needless to say had different results.

Thinking back to those days, I realize so much of what I thought I knew about my son during this turbulent time of his life seemed turned on its head. (Was that a compost pile in the middle of his bedroom, or laundry?) Andrew seemed trapped somewhere between childhood and adulthood, still in the grip of confusing emotions and impulsive behavior, but physically and intellectually more man than boy. He was experimenting with his identity, and the most basic element of his identity was his appearance. As his mother and a neurologist, I thought I knew everything there was to know about what was going on inside my teenager’s head. Clearly I did not. I certainly didn’t know what was going on outside his head either! So as a mother and a scientist, I decided I needed to—I had to—find out.

Professionally, I was primarily studying the brains of babies at that time and running a research lab largely devoted to epilepsy and brain development. I was also doing translational neuroscience, which means, simply, trying to create new treatments for brain disorders. Suddenly, however, I had a new scientific experiment and project: my sons. My younger son, Will, was just two years Andrew’s junior. What would I be in for when Will reached the same age as his older brother? There was so much I didn’t get. I had watched Andrew, almost overnight, morph into a different being, yet I knew, deep inside, he was still the same wonderful, kind, bright kid he’d always been. So what happened? To figure it out I decided to delve into the world of research on this somewhat foreign species in my household called the teenager, and use that knowledge to help me and my sons navigate their way more smoothly into adulthood.

The teen brain has been a relatively neglected area of study until only the past decade. Most research dollars in neurology and neuropsychology are spent on infant and child development—from learning disabilities to early enrichment therapy—or, at the other end of the spectrum, on diseases of the elderly brain, especially Alzheimer’s. Up until just a few years ago, the neuroscience of the adolescent brain was underfunded, underresearched, and obviously not well understood. Scientists believed—incorrectly, as it turned out—that brain growth was pretty much complete by the time a child started kindergarten; this is why for the past two decades parents of infants and toddlers, trying to get a jump on their children’s education, have inundated their kids with learning tools and accessories like Baby Einstein DVDs and Baby Mozart Discovery Kits. But the adolescent brain? Most people thought it was pretty much like an adult’s, only with fewer miles on it.

The problem with this assumption is that it was wrong. Very wrong. There are other misconceptions and myths about the teenage brain and teenage behavior that are now so ingrained they are accepted societal beliefs: teens are impulsive and emotional because of surging hormones; teens are rebellious and oppositional because they want to be difficult and different; and if teenagers occasionally drink too much alcohol without their parents’ consent, well, their brains are resilient, so they’ll certainly rebound without suffering any permanent effects. Another assumption is that the die is cast at puberty: whatever your IQ or apparent talents may be (a math or science type versus a language arts type), you stay that way for the rest of your life.

Again, all wrong. The teen brain is at a very special point in development. As this book will reveal, I learned that there are unique vulnerabilities of this age window, but there is also the ability to harness exceptional strengths that fade as we enter into adulthood.

The more I studied the emerging scientific literature on adolescents, the more I understood how mistaken it was to look at the teenage brain through the prism of adult neurobiology. Functioning, wiring, capacity—all are different in adolescents, I learned. I was also aware that this new science of the teenage brain wasn’t reaching most parents, or at least wasn’t reaching parents who don’t have a background in neuroscience as I did. And this was just the audience who needed to know about this new science of the adolescent brain: parents and guardians and educators who are just as perplexed, frustrated, and maddened by the teenagers in their care as I was.

When my younger son, Will, was sixteen, he passed his driver’s test. He’d rarely given me cause to worry, but that changed early one morning. A few weeks after getting his license, he had started to drive himself to school in our 1994 Dodge Intrepid—a big, old, safe car. All seemed to go well. As usual, Will left around 7:30, as school started at 7:55. Off he went. Just as I was walking out the door to go to my job, at about 7:45, I got a call from Will: “Mom, I’m okay, but the car is totaled.” Well, first, I was thankful he had the presence of mind to lead off with telling me he was okay, but I had visions of his car wrapped around a tree. I said, “I’m on my way,” and jumped in my car. As I was approaching the school entrance, I saw the flashing lights of the police cars. What had he done? Well, simply put, he had decided that he could squeeze a left turn into the school entrance in the path of rapidly moving traffic going in the opposite direction. This might have worked if there had been another mother like me driving in the opposite direction who would have shaken her head and slammed on her brakes. But in Will’s case that morning, it was a twenty-three-year-old guy, a construction worker in a Ford F-150 on his way to work. He was no more in the mood to give the right-of-way than Will had been to wait to cross the road. So—the accident happened. It was good to know that 1994 airbags still worked in 2006.

There was Will standing by his completely trashed car at the very entrance of his school, looking sheepish as basically the entire school drove by him as students and staff arrived for the day. What a lesson for Will. I recognized that immediately—and was so thankful that he and the other driver had emerged unscathed from this battle of wills as to who had the right-of-way.

What was he thinking? I asked myself, almost reflexively.

Then: Oh, no, here we go again.

This time, however, I quickly calmed myself. I knew a lot more now. I knew Will’s brain, like Andrew’s, like every other teenager’s, was a work in progress. He clearly was no longer a child, and yet his brain was still developing, changing, even growing. I hadn’t recognized that until Andrew made me sit up and take stock of what I knew about the pediatric brain, that it’s not so much what is happening inside the head of an adolescent as what is not.

The teenage brain is a wondrous organ, capable of titanic stimulation and stunning feats of learning, as you will learn in this book. Granville Stanley Hall, the founder of the child study movement, wrote in 1904 about the exuberance of adolescence:

These years are the best decade of life. No age is so responsive to all the best and wisest adult endeavor. In no psychic soil, too, does seed, bad as well as good, strike such deep root, grow so rankly or bear fruit so quickly or so surely.

Hall said optimistically of adolescence that it was “the birthday of the imagination,” but he also knew this age of exhilaration has dangers, including impulsivity, risk-taking, mood swings, lack of insight, and poor judgment. What he couldn’t possibly have anticipated back then is the breathtaking range of dangers teens would be exposed to today through social media and the Internet. How many times have I heard from friends, colleagues, even strangers who have reached out to me after hearing me speak, about the crazy things their teenage kids or their friends just did? The daughter who “stole” her father’s motorcycle and crashed it into a curb. The kids who went “planking”—lying facedown, like a board, on any and every surface (including balcony railings), and then taking photos of one another doing it. Or worse: “vodka eyeballing,” pouring liquor directly into the eye to get an immediate high, or, scared about passing a drug test for a weekend job, ingesting watered-down bleach, thinking it would “clean” their urine of the pot they had smoked the night before.

Children’s brains continue to be molded by their environment, physiologically, well past their midtwenties. So in addition to being a time of great promise, adolescence is also a time of unique hazards. Every day, as I will show you, scientists are uncovering ways in which the adolescent brain works and responds to the world differently from the brain of either a child or an adult. And the way that the adolescent brain responds to the world has a lot to do with the impulsive, irrational, and wrongheaded decisions teens seem to make so frequently.

Part of the problem in truly understanding our teenagers lies with us, the adults. Too often we send them mixed messages. We assume that when our kid begins to physically look like an adult—she develops breasts; he has facial hair—then our teenager should act like, and be treated as, an adult with all the adult responsibilities we assign to our own peers. Teenagers can join the military and go to war, marry without the consent of their parents, and in some places hold political office. In recent years, at least seven teens have been elected mayors of small towns in New York, Pennsylvania, Iowa, Michigan, and Oregon. Certainly the law often treats teens as adults, especially when those teens are accused of violent crimes and then tried in adult criminal courts. But in myriad ways we also treat our teens like children, or at least like less than fully competent adults.

How do we make sense of our own conflicting messages? Can we make sense?

For the past few years I’ve given talks all over the country—to parents, teens, doctors, researchers, and psychotherapists—explaining the risks and rewards that pertain to the new science of the adolescent brain. This book was prompted by the tremendous, even overwhelming, number of responses I have received from parents and educators (and sometimes even teens) who heard me speak. All of them wanted to share their own stories, ask questions, and try to understand how to help their kids—and, in the process, themselves—navigate this thrilling but perplexing stage of life.

The truth of the matter is, I learned from my own sons that adolescents are not, in fact, an alien species, but just a misunderstood one. Yes, they are different, but there are important physiological and neurological reasons for those differences. In this book I will explain how the teen brain offers major advantages on the one hand but unperceived and often unacknowledged vulnerabilities on the other. I am hoping you will use this as a handbook, a kind of user’s manual or survival guide to the care and feeding of the teenage brain. Ultimately, I want to do more than help adults better understand their teenagers. I want to offer practical advice so that parents can help their teenagers, too. Adolescents aren’t the only ones who must navigate this exciting but treacherous period of life. Parents, guardians, and educators must, too. I have—twice. It is humbling, exhilarating, confusing, all at the same time. As parents, we brace ourselves for what will be quite a roller-coaster ride, but in the vast majority of cases the ride slows down, evens out, and gives one a lot of stories to tell afterward!

Nearly a decade ago, when it became clear to me that being a parent of teenagers was nothing like taking care of overgrown children, I said, Okay, let’s work on it together. I stayed in my sons’ faces. I remember one time, when Andrew was still a sophomore in high school, the inevitable point arrived when exams were just around the corner and he was still paying more attention to sports and parties than books and homework. Because I’m a scientist, I know learning is cumulative—everything new is based on something you just learned, so you have to hang in there, you have to stay on top of it. So I got a pad of paper and I went through each chapter of Andrew’s textbooks, and on one side of the paper I picked out a problem for him to solve and on the other side, folded, was the answer. All he needed was a model, a template, a structure. It was a turning point for him and me. He realized he actually had to do the work—sit down and do it—in order to learn. He also realized working on his bed, with everything spread out around him, wasn’t helping. He needed more structure, so he sat himself at his desk, with a pencil sharpener and a piece of paper in front of him, and he learned how to impose order on himself. He needed the external cues. I could plan and he couldn’t at that point. Having a structured environment helped him learn, and eventually he got really good at it, sitting in his chair at his desk for hours. I know because I’d check in on him. I also knew this was a good example of place-dependent learning. Scientists have shown that the best way to remember what you’ve learned is to return to the place where you learned it. For Andrew, that was his desk in his bedroom. As I will explain later, teenagers are “jacked up” on learning—their brains are primed for knowledge—so where and how they learn is important, and setting up a place where homework is done is something any parent can help teens do. And because homework is one of the main things kids do at home, you can stay involved with your teenagers even if you don’t happen to have an MD or PhD in the subject or subjects they’ve neglected for months. You can offer to proofread assignments, spell-check their essays, or simply make sure they are sitting in a comfortable desk chair. While you might not have the right hair guy to get red streaks, the point is that you can at least spring for a home hair dye when they want to transform themselves on the outside. Let them experiment with these more harmless things rather than have them rebel and get into much more serious trouble. Try not to focus on winning the battles when you should be winning the war—the endgame is to help get them through the necessary experimentation that they instinctively need without any longterm adverse effects. The teen years are a great time to test where a kid’s strengths are, and to even out weaknesses that need attention.

What you don’t want to do is ridicule, or be judgmental or disapproving or dismissive. Instead, you have to get inside your kid’s head. Kids all have something they’re struggling with that you can try to help. They can be all over the place: forgetting to bring their books home, crumpling important notes in the bottom of their backpacks, misconstruing homework assignments. Sometimes—or most of the time—they are just not organized, not paying attention to the details of what’s going on around them, and so expecting them to figure out how to do their homework can actually be expecting too much. Your teenagers won’t always accept your advice, but you can’t give it unless you’re there, unless you’re trying to understand how they’re learning. Know that they are just as puzzled by their unpredictable behavior and the uneven tool kit they call their brain. They just aren’t at a point where they will tell you this. Pride and image are big for teens, and they are not able to look into themselves and be self-critical.

That’s what this book is all about—knowing where their limits are and what you can do to support them. So that you won’t get angry or confused at your teens or simply throw your hands up in surrender, I want to help you understand what makes them so infuriating. Much of what is in this book will surprise you—surprise you because you probably thought teenagers’ recalcitrant behavior was something they could, or at least should, be able to control; that their insensitivity or anger or distracted attitude was entirely conscious; and that their refusal to hear what you suggest or request or demand they do was entirely willful. Again, none of these things are true.

The journey I will take you on in this book will actually shock you at times, but by the end of the journey I promise you will gain insight into what makes your teens tick because you’ll have a much better understanding of how their brains work. I make an effort in this book to reveal, wherever possible, the real data from real science journal articles. There is much data out there that has not been “translated” for the public. Even more important, the teen generation is one that holds information in great esteem. So when you talk to teens, you owe it to them to have actual data. I inserted as many figures into this book as I could where the actual science is shown, and I point out where it applies to our knowledge of the strengths and weaknesses of being a teen. There are lots of myths about teenagers out there that need to be debunked: this book is an attempt to chip away at those myths and explore the new science that is available to inform us.

For this book to be truly effective, however, you must remember a simple rule: First, count to ten. It became a kind of mantra for me when I was raising my sons. But it means more than just taking a deep breath. Let me explain. In leadership courses I’ve taken for my professional career, one theme that is always emphasized is the Boy Scouts’ motto, “Be prepared.” I learned in these seminars that the average time an American businessperson spends preparing for a meeting is about two minutes. We probably spend more time just scheduling those meetings than actually thinking about what we’re going to say or do in them. I don’t mean the big presentations. I mean the one-on-one encounters, which we too often step into cavalierly without taking much time for reflection beforehand. When I heard this statistic, initially it shocked me, but then I thought about my own professional world, where I am the head of a large university neurology department and have my own lab with many graduate and postgraduate students, and I realized, Yep, that’s pretty much what does happen. Not a lot of time is devoted to planning or “rehearsing” for all those one-on-one encounters with colleagues and staff, and yet it’s these more personal, more direct interactions that often play a pivotal role in the success of an organization. Similarly, the impression you give others in these encounters can affect the direction your career takes; this is why it’s so important to plan ahead, at least for more than just a few minutes, and think about how the other person will react during one of these meetings. In your mind, go through what you want to say, step by step, and imagine the range of responses. Now imagine that the other person is your teenage son or daughter. Being prepared for both positive and negative responses will help guide you as you consider your options about what to say or do next. If you appear hotheaded or mentally disorganized, you lose credibility, whether it’s with a colleague, an employee, or your teenager.

For parents or teachers, or anyone who has a caring relationship with a teenager, reading this book will arm you with facts—and with fortitude. Changing the behavior of your teen is partly up to you, so you have to come up with a plan of action and a style of action that fits your household and your kids, as well as your needs and wants. Remember, you are the adult, and if your child is under eighteen, you also are legally responsible for that “child.” Certainly the courts will hold you accountable for your child and, by extension, for the environment you provide for him or her. So take the lead, take control, and try to think for your teenage sons and daughters until their own brains are ready to take over the job. The most important part of the human brain—the place where actions are weighed, situations judged, and decisions made—is right behind the forehead, in the frontal lobes. This is the last part of the brain to develop, and that is why you need to be your teens’ frontal lobes until their brains are fully wired and hooked up and ready to go on their own.

But the most important advice I want to give you is to stay involved. As the mother of two sons I adore, I couldn’t physically maneuver them into doing what I wanted them to do when they were teenagers, not in the way I could when they were small children. Eventually they were simply too big to just pick up and put down where I wanted them to be. We lose physical control as children leave childhood. Our best tool as they enter and move through their adolescent years is our ability to advise and explain, and also to be good role models. If there’s anything I’ve learned with my boys, it’s that no matter how distracted or disorganized they seemed to be, no matter how many assignments they forgot to bring home from school, they were watching me, taking the measure of their mom as well as all the other adults around them. I will talk much more about this later in the book, but just so you know, it all turned out okay in my life and the lives of my sons. Here’s the bottom line on my two “former teenagers”: Andrew graduated from Wesleyan University with a combined MA-BA degree in quantum physics in May 2011 and is now in a joint MD-PhD program. Will graduated from Harvard in 2013 and landed a business-consulting job in New York City. So, yes, you can survive your teenagers’ adolescence. And so can they. And you will all have a lot of stories to tell after it’s all over.