Читать книгу Drama Queers! - Frank Anthony Polito - Страница 10

“Maybe he’s no Romeo

But he’s my loving one-man show…”

—Deniece Williams

The only thing worse than being a Band Fag is…Being a Drama Queer.

At least according to the Hillbilly High Handbook.

I see why being in Band can be viewed as sorta lame. I mean, there you are, wearing this wool uniform along with this funny plumed hat and spats, stomping around the football field while all the Cool Kids sit up in the stands enjoying the game. Not to mention having to wake up at the butt crack of dawn for practice. Plus giving up your weekends to march in some stupid parade somewhere.

But how can Drama possibly be considered geeky? You perform plays in front of an audience of admiring fans. What person in their right mind wouldn’t enjoy the applause? I know I do. Why does everybody think movie stars are totally cool, but not the ones on stage?

Back in 10^th grade when I decided I wanted to be an actor, I didn’t realize this would be the case. I totally thought cheerleaders such as Shelly Findlay and Betsy Sheffield or Vikettes like Lynn Kelly and Angela Andrews would be trying out for Drama Club. Maybe even a few football players like Tom Fulton. I remember he seemed to enjoy himself performing in this play we presented back in 7^th grade in Ms. Lemieux’s class.

Well, it wasn’t so much a play as it was a skit, but I did have the lead opposite Tom’s then-girlfriend, Marie Sperling. I guess maybe it wasn’t real acting since I didn’t have any lines or anything—it was a silent skit. I did get to soft-shoe to Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer” as this strobe light flashed around us the entire time, making everything look all Charlie Chaplin-esque.

Don’t bring this up to Max. Originally, Ms. Lemieux cast him in the lead, but after a few rehearsals, she decided he didn’t quite cut it. Not to brag or anything, but once I took over the part, she told me I was a natural talent. Did I mention she was our hot-to-trot Enriched English & Social Studies teacher and her first name is Cinnamon?

Wanna know who showed up to try out for Okla-homo!—I mean, Oklahoma!?

When I walked into the auditorium that afternoon in March ’86, I seen none of the kids I expected to see. Instead, there sat Pee-wee Herman’s #1 fan, Charlie Richardson, and the slightly overweight stringy black-haired girl I mentioned before, Tuesday Gunderson.

“You slumming or something?”

Outta nowhere, the only person I recognized as being remotely acquainted with appeared, her bright red locks falling past the bottom of her purplish pink striped sweater.

“Hey,” I said, happy to see Audrey Wojczek for the first time in my life.

We may seem like pretty good pals now during Senior year, but at the time, I barely knew her. I mean, we went to junior high together and all, but we weren’t exactly friends, you know what I mean? Audrey only transferred to Webb during Freshman year, after spending 2nd thru 8th grades at St. Mary Magdalen’s. Judging from the mouth on her, you’d never know it!

“What the fuck are you doing here, Dayton?”

Audrey served as treasurer of Drama Club. She also played the mother in The Skeleton Walks, the fall play first semester. Her performance came as a bit of a surprise to me when I seen the production, but as the recipient of the Class Clown mock award, I guess Audrey has never been much of a wallflower.

“I’m trying out for the play,” I remember telling her. “What do you think I’m doing?”

Back at Webb, me and Audrey constantly fought whenever we found ourselves together. She loved picking on me, saying my hair would fall out someday just because our Health teacher, Mrs. Strong, said that most redheaded men eventually go bald. Shit like that.

“The word is auditioning” Audrey corrected. “And it’s a musical, not a play.”

Whatever…

The spring play—I mean, musical—that year, like I said, was none other than Oklahoma! You know, “where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain,” and the “shiny little surrey with the fringe on the top.” By the guys who wrote The Sound of Music, Rogers & Hammerstein. Well, I never seen it before, but I knew the movie version had the mom from The Partridge Family in it, who happens to be the real-life mother of my very first crush ever. No, not David, but Shaun Cassidy.

Growing up, we never had much money. Evidently, James Dayton didn’t make a whole lot working as a cop in Troy while getting his degree in Physical Education from Wayne State. And once Laura Victor married him, she gave up the job she had since turning Sweet Sixteen working as a secretary in the tissues and pathology lab at Detroit Osteopathic Hospital to stay home with me and my sisters, Janelle, Nina, and Brittany.

Yet every so often, Mom found a little extra cash stashed somewhere. Her (quote-unquote) mad money, she liked to call it. I used to think so because she spent it whenever Dad made her mad, which seemed a lot more frequent the longer they stayed together and the older me and the girls got…No wonder their marriage ended in D-I-V-O-R-C-E in 1983.

I’ll never forget this one time my parents were out bowling on their bowling league…

After we put on our footie pajamas, me and Janelle gathered in front of the television with our babysitter, Sheryl Killian. Nina and Brittany must’ve both been in bed because they were still babies. I’m pretty sure I was in 1st grade at the time, so they were like three and two.

“Ooh, he’s cute!”

I’m sure I thought it first, but Janelle beat me to saying it out loud. After all, she is two years older.

“That’s Shaun Cassidy,” Sheryl informed us when The Hardy Boys came on channel 7 at 7:00 PM. “Isn’t he a fox?”

At the time, we were living in Center Line. The Killians lived down the block from us on Sterling, and Sheryl went to high school at St. Clement’s. I remember her being very glamorous in her bell-bottom jeans with her long blond Bionic Woman hair. Me and Janelle liked to sit on the back of the couch and braid it for her while we all watched TV.

“Is he your boyfriend?” I asked, feeling a tad jealous that Shaun Cassidy just might be.

Sheryl laughed. “I wish!” Then she told us, “He sings ‘Da Doo Ron Ron.’”

How could I not know that? I loved “Da Doo Ron Ron”! Except I always thought it was “Da Doo Run Run.”

Every time we took a ride somewhere in Dad’s car, me and Janelle would hear it on CKLW, so we knew all the words by heart. Boy, did I wish my name was Jill!

Thus began our weekly ritual…

Every Sunday night while our parents were up at Pastime Lanes, Sheryl would pop the Jiffy Pop, melt an entire stick of (“Everything’s better with…”) Blue Bonnet on it, while me and Janelle waited patiently in the family room, counting the seconds till show time.

From the moment Frank and Joe appeared in twelve-inch black and white, we sat glued to our seats, not even getting up to pee unless we absolutely had to. This was back before they invented the VCR, you know what I mean? And even if they’d been around, the Daytons certainly couldn’t have afforded one.

Wanna know what I remember most about The Hardy Boys, other than how cute Shaun Cassidy looked in every episode?

That creepy music from the opening montage! And all the various book covers appearing one by one: The Clue in the Embers, While the Clocked Ticked, The Hidden Staircase.

Back then, I didn’t know the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew were literary characters that had been around for fifty years, but oh how my 6-year-old heart skipped a beat when Shaun Cassidy began clapping his hands high above his head, wearing that groovy striped sweater with the scarf draped around his neck.

My favorite episode of all time had to be “The Last Kiss of Summer.” ’member, the one where Joe got married? I’ll never forget when I first heard about it, I was devastated. Joe Hardy couldn’t have a wife. It would ruin the show!

Sure enough, the scene opened with Joe and that girl, Jamie, driving down the coast in Joe’s convertible, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, the wind blowing both their long blond hair while that romantic ’70s song played in the background.

“If a picture paints a thousand words…”

After Joe and Jamie professed their undying love for each other and shared a passionate kiss, they walked along the beach, arm in arm.

“If a face could launch a thousand ships…”

I remember thinking how beautiful Jamie looked in her cutoff jean shorts and blouse tied in a knot in front, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Shaun Cassidy’s smile. I remember wanting to press my face against the tiny screen—and kiss it. Imagine how confusing that must’ve been for a 6-year-old boy. Especially one who spent so much time surrounded by his sisters, he sometimes felt more like one of the girls.

“Joe Hardy is sooo cute!” I gushed, scootching closer to the TV set.

“I like Frank better,” Janelle decided, even though I couldn’t understand how she could think such a thing.

Obviously Sheryl Killian didn’t realize how things worked in the Dayton household. “Joe is a boy,” she took it upon herself to point out. “You can’t think he’s cute, Bradley.”

I turned to Janelle.

She turned to Sheryl. “It’s okay…Sometimes Brad thinks boys are cute.”

To Janelle, it was totally no biggie. She even let me play Barbies with her.

And then tragedy struck.

I knew there’d be trouble the second Joe and Jamie got into their car after the wedding rehearsal and we cut to that jerk, Jocco. Coming from the opposite direction, there he was driving drunk with his bimbo girlfriend. Only I never expected Joe and Jamie to get run off the road.

“Look out!” Me, Janelle, and Sheryl cried out in three-part harmony.

I covered my face with my hands, the way Mom taught me to do whenever there was a scary part, like when Bugs Bunny met Dr. Jekyll and he turned into Mr. Hyde. Yet I couldn’t help sneaking a peek thru my tiny little fingers the second I heard that horrible sound.

“Oh, my God…”

I started crying soon as I seen Joe slumped over the steering wheel and Jamie laying against the dashboard…blood on her shoulder. Thank God that other car with them two guys in it pulled up. How could they just drive away without stopping to help?

Poor Joe…He took one look at his soon-to-be wedded wife and knew there was nothing he could do. Holding her tight, he sobbed, “Jamie…Jamie.”

Leave it to the Hardy Boys to go undercover and catch the killer!

I particularly loved the part when Joe befriended Jocco and they threw that party out at their fancy beach house. I immediately recognized the Muzak version of “How Deep is Your Love?” from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack playing in the background…God, I wanted to see that movie sooo bad!

I remember being confused when Frank arrived and Joe acted like he didn’t recognize his brother. Really, it was all just part of the plan to set Jocco up and bust him for selling stolen goods. Until Jocco got wise to Frank posing as a big-time surfer, and sent him out on his board in shark-infested waters…I’ll never forget the sight of Parker Stevenson in that wetsuit, even though my heart would always belong to Shaun Cassidy.

The only other part of “The Last Kiss of Summer” that I remember comes at the very end. After being haunted by her memory the entire episode, Joe spots Jamie walking down the beach in her bikini bathing suit. He runs up to her, touches her on the shoulder, and says, “Excuse me…”

“If the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die…”

She turns around—and it’s some other girl.

How Joe could’ve been mistaken, I never understood. This broad looked nothing like beautiful Jamie. In fact, wasn’t she kind of a dog, if I recall correctly?

“Mommy!”

Later that evening when Laura returned with Jim, she reached into her purse. Besides watching The Hardy Boys on TV, this was always my favorite part of the night.

“Hold out your hands and open your eyes…”

Mom always brought us a special treat on bowling night. I don’t know why, but no matter what kind, candy always tasted better coming from a vending machine. This time, I got a Hershey bar and Janelle got a Kit Kat. Nina and Brittany were already asleep so they were shit outta luck.

After we took our bath, Mom tucked us both into bed together.

“Next time you go shopping,” I whispered, so as not to wake up Nina or Brittany in the bed beside us, “will you buy me a Shaun Cassidy record?”

Mom sat down next to me, looking like she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. “I might…If you tell me who Shaun Cassidy is.”

“He’s just this boy on TV,” I replied, adding, “Janelle thinks he’s cute.”

Mom smiled, looking at my older sister. “Then how come Janelle isn’t asking for his record?”

Coming to her baby brother’s rescue, she replied, “We can share it.”

Mom kissed my forehead. “Don’t forget to say your prayers.” She pulled the blanket up so that it barely covered my ear before turning out the light, making sure to leave the door open a smidge.

Dear God, I prayed, eyes closed, hands folded together beneath my chin. Bless Mommy and Daddy and please don’t let them fight anymore…Bless Janelle and Nina and Brittany…And Grandpa and Grandma Dayton and Grandpa and Grandma Victor…

Who else?

Bless my teacher, Miss Langton, and all the kids in my class at Miller Elementary in Center Line, Michigan. Even Jeffy Morgan who picks on me sometimes.

Now for the important stuff…

And please God, if you think about it, next time Mommy goes to Kmart’s, maybe you can remind her to buy me a Shaun Cassidy record. The one with “Da Doo Run Run”—I mean, “Da Doo Ron Ron—okay? I promise I’ll be extra good and I won’t fight with my sisters anymore. Especially when we’re in your house…In the name of your Son, amen.

Lo and behold, a few days later when I got home from school, guess what I found?

Propped up on my pillow, the full-sized face of Shaun Cassidy stared back at me from the cover of his self-titled debut album, hand behind his head, a smile upon his lips, wearing the cutest little white hat cocked to one side. Hard to believe that was over ten years ago…God, I’m getting old!

How fitting was it that the first part I’d be auditioning for at Hazel Park High would be Curly McClain, opposite the role of Laurey Williams, first made famous in Okla-homo!—I mean, Oklahoma!—by Shaun Cassidy’s mother, Shirley Jones?

“What’ve you got for us today?”

Us being Mr. Dell’Olio and his Sophomore Student Director, a girl I knew from Ms. Lemieux’s 7th grade Enriched English & Social Studies at Webb, Claire Moody. They both sat scrutinizing me from the front row of the auditorium. First I had to perform a monologue I prepared on my own, and if Dell liked what he saw, he’d ask me to sing and/or read from the script.

“I’ll be doing a monologue from my fav-rid—I mean, favorite—movie,” I told him, hitting the T, my voice trembling with fear. I wiped my sweaty palms on the front of my khaki pants, hoping they didn’t leave a stain.

“Good, good,” Mr. Dell’Olio replied. “What is it?”

With the utmost confidence, I answered, “Somewhere in Time, starring Jane Seymour and Christopher Reeves—I mean, Reeve.” I always get that wrong!

Dell nodded and smiled, making a note on his clipboard. At that point, I never had him for a teacher, but he seemed like a nice guy. And The Skeleton Walks turned out pretty good earlier that fall so I been wanting to work with him ever since.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

I stared down at my topsiders, took a deep breath, in and out. I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, I imagined myself as Jane Seymour, with Christopher Reeve (no S) watching me from the audience.

“The man of my dreams has almost faded now…”

Personally, I gave an awesome audition. And I must have, because after I finished my monologue Mr. Dell’Olio asked, “What’re you gonna sing?”

“Um…”

The only song I could find the sheet music for was “Too Young” by Jack Wagner. You know, Frisco from General Hospital. Because I never been in a musical, I didn’t know the first thing about auditioning for one. All I knew was I needed to prepare sixteen bars.

“Sounds good,” Mr. Dell’Olio said all smiles. “Liza will play for you…Again, whenever you’re ready.”

Sporting her signature spider, Liza Larson smiled at me from behind the piano down in the pit. Back then, I didn’t know her very well. Like I said, we would later become buddies once I got brave enough to smoke out on Skid Row.

“All set?” Liza asked me.

I took a deep breath and listened as her fingers began working their magic.

“Hello, love, it’s been way too long…”

Boy, did I sing my butt off! I reached notes I never hit practicing in my bedroom. My pitch was perfect. Sad to say, I didn’t get the part.

At least not the lead, Curly.

This guy, Jake Czyzyk, got it just because he was a Senior—and he was totally hot.

Wanna know what role I did get cast as?

Curly’s sidekick, Will Parker, opposite Audrey Wojczek as Ado Annie. Thank God by the time the show went up, we totally got along. The cool part was…I got to sing two songs, “Kansas City” and “All Er Nuthin’,” twirl a rope, and do a tap dance in cowboy boots. I looked pretty cute doing it, too, if I do say so myself.

Not bad for a Sophomore who never really acted before, huh?