Читать книгу The Turning Point: A gripping emotional page-turner with a breathtaking twist - Freya North - Страница 13

They sat together a little awkwardly, nodded and smiled, until Scott thought if I don’t say something she’ll change her mind and go.

‘How’s your drink?’

‘Delicious.’ She took a sip as if to make absolutely sure. ‘Cheers.’

‘Cheers – here’s to invisible elevators.’

‘My room was upgraded.’

‘So was mine.’

‘Do you come over from the States often then?’

‘Never,’ Scott laughed. ‘But from Canada – yes, I come every so often.’

Frankie reddened. ‘Sorry – cardinal error.’

‘And you?’

‘I live in Norfolk.’

‘I do not know where that is.’

‘It’s east – by the sea. I used to live in London, though.’

‘It’s a great city – if cities are your thing.’

‘That’s why I moved. They’re not.’

‘I’ll drink to that,’ said Scott, thinking to himself there’s a story there, Frankie.

‘Do you live in a city?’

Scott shook his head and smiled. ‘I live out in the mountains, in BC. In British Columbia.’

Spurts of conversation and steadying sips of their drinks, that’s how they did it. That’s how they relaxed in their chairs and into each other’s company and yes, please – I’d love a bite to eat.

‘I’m a creature of habit,’ Scott told her. ‘I always have steak and fries here. Every day.’

‘That’s not good for you,’ said Frankie.

But Scott laughed. ‘I can think of plenty of things that are far worse.’

‘I’m usually pretty unadventurous. If I’m in a hotel, I mostly get room service.’

‘And here you are having dinner with a stranger.’

She reddened again. He liked that, as if it spoke of honesty.

‘Well, in that case, I’ll go the whole hog and have this.’ She pointed to a dish on the menu. ‘It doesn’t get more daring than ordering a dish I can’t pronounce.’

Suddenly she wanted to text Peta or Ruth to say you’ll never guess what! but her phone was up in the room and, when she thought about it, she liked it that no one had a clue what she was doing at this precise moment. It was liberating and novel. But was he actually chatting her up? Was she flirting back? She wasn’t sure and it didn’t matter. Her drink was delicious, she was hungry, he was handsome, he made her feel lively, effervescent even, and dinner was now served.

‘So what do you do out by the sea that you’re here in London on business?’

Frankie hated that question; it usually led to a barrage of questions she’d had to answer a million times before. And when it was known she was an author of some repute, people changed the way they spoke to her, even looked at her. She became a novelty. She’d never liked that.

‘I’m an accountant,’ she said.

Scott appeared to choke on his drink. ‘Seriously?’

Frankie’s face creased with awkwardness. ‘No,’ she said. ‘I lied.’

‘You lied?’ He tipped his head back and really laughed. ‘Who are you? A spy? Royalty?’

‘I – work in publishing.’

‘What kind of publishing?’

‘Books.’

‘What type of books?’

‘Children’s books.’

‘OK.’ It was the way Scott looked at her, steadily, interested, open. His eyes she’d thought were brown were actually a layered and dark slate-blue. ‘Children’s books,’ he repeated.

‘I write them.’ There you go. That’s me.

He tipped his head to one side. ‘You’re an author?’

‘Yes,’ she shrugged. ‘That’s what I do. What about you?’

Scott appeared to think about this, as if he wasn’t entirely sure. ‘I’m in music.’

‘A musician?’ That was much better than an accountant.

‘Well – I guess.’

‘Are you in a band?’

Scott laughed at the way her face had lit up. ‘No. God no.’

Frankie thought he didn’t really look like a rock star anyway; no piercings, no visible tattoos or rings in the shape of skulls, just a pair of dark jeans, a shirt loose, brown shoes or boots, she couldn’t tell. On looks alone, she’d hazard a guess at university lecturer, or perhaps some outdoorsy career. Close up, there was something rugged and lived in about his face, soft stubble that might be consciously groomed or simply because he had chosen not to shave away from home. The eyes she knew now to be steel-navy; hair in carefree brushstrokes of brown. Well, perhaps once upon a time, he had been in a band. She placed him a little older than her.

‘What do you play?’

‘So – guitar, piano.’ He appeared to be thinking whether he played anything else. ‘Harmonica.’

As he cut into his steak, his reserve struck Frankie. Perhaps her questions were precisely those he tired of too. Perhaps he was wishing he’d told her he was an accountant. She turned to her food. It was just a pasta dish, despite the fancy name. And, on first forkful and to her dismay, speckled with olives.

‘A children’s author,’ he said, chinking his glass against hers.

‘A musician,’ she said, raising her glass to him. ‘What sort of music?’

‘These days, I write for other people mostly.’

He smiled quizzically because she’d balked at that.

‘But isn’t songwriting akin to ghostwriting?’ she asked. ‘Producing work for someone else to claim as theirs and bask in unentitled glory?’

‘Do you only write for the glory?’

And it was then that Frankie experienced an unexpected surge of pure attraction. His sudden bluntness, that he’d challenged her straight, his eyes steady, his smile wry. Actually, she liked it that he wrote music, she liked his face and his hands and that she was here, right now. She liked it that she’d gone ahead and said yes to a drink and to this plate of revolting pasta. She liked his even gaze, that he was focused on her, wanted to know her, wanted her in his evening.

‘No,’ she told him. ‘I don’t write for the glory. In fact, I often feel I’m little more than my characters’ PA. I’m at their mercy, at their beck and call. I take dictation while they tell me their stories.’

He thought about that. ‘I always assumed an author was – I don’t know – like a Master Puppeteer.’

‘Oh blimey no. My characters run rings around me, especially Alice,’ she said darkly.

Scott didn’t know who Alice was. He’d like to know. He’d ask later. It was just that she had a little sauce on her cheek and he was sitting there with an urge to take his finger and wipe it away, to feel how soft her skin was, to touch her. It all felt suddenly a little crazy. He told himself, just eat your steak and talk about books and music. He felt ravenously hungry and yet full.

‘I was in a band,’ he said, ‘in my misspent youth. Nowadays, I hate performing but I love to write music, that’s the sum of it. And you know what, I don’t do so much songwriting these days anyway – I was finding it depressing. The lack of control. I’d put my soul into a song, create something I believed in, something – I don’t know – nourishing. Then the producers change it, fuck with it, manufacture it and before you know it, the stuff the labels churn out is the musical equivalent of fast food. And the kids spend their money on it. It can get a little depressing.’ Scott thought, if Aaron could see me now he wouldn’t believe his eyes or his ears: Scott Emerson actively choosing to be sociable, talking away, engaging with a girl, seeking company and conversation. ‘Mostly these days I write music for movies. That’s why I’m here at the moment – the movie I’m working on has British funding so the music needs to be recorded here for tax breaks.’

Frankie just wanted to listen. ‘You write soundtracks? Wow.’

But Scott just shrugged. ‘And you write books. Double wow.’

‘How many films do you do?’

‘Well, depending on the budget, probably up to four a year.’

‘Do they tell you what they want?’

‘Well, I guess I’m lucky. Mostly I get to work with directors I know, who like my music anyways, who give me the freedom to read the script and interpret it my own way.’

‘You’re really a composer, then,’ said Frankie.

Scott looked a little bashful. ‘Sounds a little grand. I guess so – on paper. But you know there’s a whole department that makes the music happen. The orchestrators, the editors, the producer, the engineers, the music supervisor, the copyist. You know, in a movie if there’s a song you know playing quietly in the background of, say, a scene in a bar – that’s no accident, that’s been sourced very specifically. I’m talking too much.’

‘No you’re not,’ said Frankie quietly.

‘No?’

‘Not at all,’ she said. ‘I spend most of my evenings with people who don’t exist – my characters – so this is welcome. Can I ask you, how do you write, how do you compose?’

He sipped thoughtfully. Usually when he told people what he did they pretty quickly steered the conversation to wanting autographs, even phone numbers, of actors. No one had ever asked him how do you do it, how do you come up with the music, yet it was such an intrinsic part of his life.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘I’ll read the script and see what comes to me – like images or scenes come to you, so tunes come to me. Then, near the final cut, I’ll have a spotting session with the director and producer and we’ll discuss the various cues, then off I go. At that point, it’s probably not dissimilar to you – though the process and the output are different. You probably go about your day with a head full of words and dialogue, eh? So – my head’s full of disparate notes which tumble into melodies, feelings for rhythm, phrasing, which start to steady. Soon as I read a script – I hear it. It’s weird sometimes. Like the music’s already written, already exists out there in the ether, waiting for me to harness it. When I read dialogue something happens – I hear tone of voice in terms of musical tone, a conversation between characters carries melody, cacophony, harmony, dissonance. And I just take it from there, really. I play, I write, I’ll record.’ Surely he was talking too much, surely. But Frankie was alert, her face animated. ‘But like I said, I only play guitar, keyboard – so then my music and my directions are passed on to an orchestrator or an arranger and finally the fixer organizes professional musicians to really spin the magic and give gravitas and meaning to my simple notes.’

‘I never met one of you before,’ Frankie said quietly, with a shy smile.

‘Well, you’re my first children’s author,’ said Scott.

Their eyes locked and silently, they marvelled. Of all the places. It’s here. It’s now.

‘You don’t like your food?’ He noticed she’d hardly touched it.

‘Olives,’ she said darkly, giving an emphatic shudder. ‘It’s full of olives.’

‘Here.’ He loaded his fork with his own food and passed it to her, insisting she try it.

‘You’re right,’ she said, ‘that’s the best steak and fries.’

‘You have mine,’ he said. ‘Please.’ And the creature of habit that’s Scott let his favourite dish go, happy enough to have to eat around the olives himself, happier still to watch Frankie tuck in.

What was that feeling, that zip sensation? A heady chemical misfiring of excitement and unbalance, desire and calm. Chatting girls up in hotels was something he used to do so efficiently he could switch off part of himself in the process. It was a routine, motions, a set pattern that was self-centred and greedy. But the end product was never in doubt. He came, he went. Was that what he wanted tonight? In an hour, or two hours? No, strangely, no. Tonight wasn’t about edging towards something; it was about being in the moment. This wasn’t chatting up some girl, this was talking to a person he wanted to get to know. It was different and new and he wasn’t sure if he was doing it right. What he did know was that he liked her.

‘Norfolk?’ he said, clearing his throat and downing a glass of water. ‘But you once lived here, in the city?’

Frankie dabbed her mouth with the napkin. She’d still missed the little smudge of sauce that Scott had been so taken with earlier. It felt natural, now, to take his napkin and wipe her cheek, smile at the way she was both grateful and a little embarrassed. She called herself a mucky pup.

‘It was a fresh start,’ she said. ‘I wanted a house, not a flat. I wanted space and the sea. I wanted peace, quiet. For my writing. For my children and me. I have two children. Sam – my son – is thirteen. Annabel – my daughter – she’s nine.’ There. That’s me. ‘But actually, it wasn’t just about geography and logistics. I wanted to be gone from what I knew.’ She thought how she’d put into words for Scott something she’d never expressed to anyone else. ‘I’d felt like I was stagnating, time tumbling on with me just rooted to a spot that wasn’t letting me grow. It was like being planted in a barren place.’

Frankie saw him glance at her finger, note there was no ring.

‘I’m a single mum,’ she pre-empted.

‘So that’s a brave thing you did,’ he said and his voice was gentle, ‘finding a new place for you, your kids, on your own?’

She shrugged. ‘Or mad – if you asked my sister Peta.’

‘Frank and Peter?’

‘Peta. Our mother wanted boys.’ She rolled her eyes and Scott really laughed.

‘They see their dad?’

Again, the bluntness, the straightforward question unembellished. It could have sounded impertinent but it didn’t, it came across as thoughtful.

‘Sporadically,’ said Frankie. ‘He’s – unreliable. He’s mostly abroad.’

Scott thought about this and looked steadily at Frankie. ‘Hard on you, hey?’

She laughed that one off. ‘I’m used to it. It’s been a long time. I have a friend who summed up Miles as little more than an annoying fly on the windowpane of my life.’

Scott nodded. They both nodded quietly, then he looked up at her quizzically. ‘She said what?’

Frankie giggled. ‘My friend Kirsty talks a load of old bollocks sometimes.’

Their laughter ebbed away but it left its vestige, like the reprise of a melody remaining in the air long after the song has faded out. Frankie thought, how do we keep this evening going?

‘Room for pudding?’ she said.

‘You betcha,’ he said. ‘Any idea where the washrooms are?’

‘Probably hidden inside a huge column of bamboo.’

She watched him as he went, suddenly surprised by all the action in the busy foyer beyond; guests and their guests and bellboys and bags, the scents and the sounds and the comings and goings amplified by mood lighting and mirrors at strange angles. I am tingling, Frankie thought. It’s all mad and wonderful. A sudden recall of Ruth’s hairdresser randomly telling her it’s the time when you’re not looking that love finds you. Frankie hadn’t looked for ages, years really, because she truly believed the landscape of her life lacked nothing. But tonight? It felt as though her blood was infused with colour and sound and an energy she couldn’t believe was hers.

Just then, in between their plates, on top of a napkin, Scott’s phone beamed into life and right there, between her drink and his, Jenna arrived on the scene like an unwanted guest.

Who’s Jenna?

Frankie deflated. The caller ID photo showed Scott and Jenna, cheek by cheek, cosy in woolly hats and snowy smiles, bathed in togetherness against a stunning winter landscape.

And Frankie thought you stupid idiot – why wouldn’t there be a Jenna? Of course there’s a Jenna.

An utter fool, that’s what she felt. What had she been thinking, ordering a dish with olives when she’d’ve been perfectly happy having that bath with the glass of wine and the free copy of Grazia? Why had she listened to Kate bloody Moss?

‘Hey.’

Scott was back and Frankie thought, why would he be available, someone like him? Of course he’s going to be with a Jenna.

‘Sticky Toffee Pudding,’ he said, passing her the menu. ‘I have it every day.’

‘Your phone – you missed a call.’

Scott checked it. Checked his watch. ‘Shit,’ he said. ‘I have to call home.’

‘And I think I’m going to call it a night,’ Frankie said, folding her napkin precisely. ‘I’m tired.’ She smiled in the vague direction of the lifts. She was standing up and it struck Scott that he really didn’t want her to go. Not just yet.

‘Wait.’

‘Good night,’ said Frankie, moving away, ‘thanks so much for supper.’ But he stood too and put his hand on her arm though she continued to turn.

‘Frankie.’ He caught her other arm. ‘Wait?’ He said it quietly, now searching for what to say next. ‘Look,’ he scratched his head. ‘OK – so here’s a thing. I hate olives too.’ His eyes were coursing her face. ‘It’s just – I wanted you to eat. And I’d really like you to stay.’ He was rubbing the back of his neck now, agitated, frowning a little. ‘Please,’ he said, and he slipped his hand into hers for a moment, ‘please don’t go just yet. But I need to make this call. Please?’

Frankie watched him walk to a quiet corner to make the call back to the smiley Jenna in those picture-perfect Canadian mountains. If Jenna hadn’t called, Frankie would have been none the wiser. She wasn’t sure whether she should hate her or thank her for it. Bubble bath and a glass of wine. Divine hotel linen, a good night’s sleep. That’s what she needed most. Alice was required on parade for her agent tomorrow and it was getting late.

Oh but Scott and his eyes and his mussed hair that she wanted to touch. Scott who could be only one great big transatlantic fuck-up. Scott who she’d happily kiss. It had been so long. She turned and faced their table. Why didn’t she just stop being Frankie and take advantage of one lone night with a man she desired who she’d never see again anyway? For once in her life, why not pack her personality at the bottom of her case and not bring it out until she was back home, nice and private, in Norfolk? Why didn’t she just live a little, switch her mind off and give her body a treat?

But that’s never been me.

No. She’d go to her room.

She turned again, to head to the lifts.

But here’s Scott, back already, happy as you like.

‘That was Jenna,’ Scott said, standing close, eyes refusing to let her go. ‘My daughter.’

* * *

‘My daughter has epilepsy,’ he said. ‘She wasn’t too well last week, she had a pretty big seizure and oftentimes they’re not isolated. So when you told me she’d called –’ He shook his head and Frankie watched him process a parent’s what-ifs quietly to himself.

‘How old is she?’

‘She’s just turned twenty years old. You look surprised,’ he said. ‘I’ll take that as a compliment – I was twenty-five when she was born.’

So he’s four years older than me.

‘Your wife?’

Was there a wife?

‘We split when Jenna was small,’ he said. ‘Really small.’ He paused. ‘She had – has – problems with alcohol. She – Lind – and I were in a band. You know, when there’s music and alcohol and drugs and you’re on the road, that’s just how it is. It’s about dangling yourself off the edge of life just for the heck of it. But those who know it’s mainly bullshit and temporary – they end up like me. Those that don’t – so, they end up like Lind. She wanted to seize the day, I wanted to live for tomorrow. So it’s been just me and Jenna.’ He paused again and regarded Frankie levelly. ‘And it still is.’ He raised his glass. ‘Here’s to single parenting.’

There’s no such thing as soulmates and love at first sight, they both knew that from the experiences that had led to their acceptance that life not in a couple was OK. Really, after all this time, it was fine. Nothing lacking, nothing to be craved. Best for the kids. It is what it is.

But as their eyes locked again for another caught moment, they sensed a surging inevitability that outweighed any cliché of finding each other in a crowded station, any coincidence that had thrown them back together right here and which overruled any tastelessness that the anonymity of a hotel far from home insinuated.

How could a new face be known so well so quickly? It was all unfathomably liberating and dangerous and comforting and nonsensical. In this vast city, in which neither of them lived, they’d managed to meet and somehow they knew they’d now never not know each other.

Frankie scrolled through the photos on Scott’s phone, his face close to hers as if guiding her to see exactly what he saw.

‘So this is Jenna outside her apartment in Whistler which is around fifty minutes from me. You’ve heard of Whistler, right? She has a job there before starting university in Vancouver this fall.’

Frankie enlarged the picture, Jenna and a friend; their arms outstretched, roaring with laughter. She imagined them larking about while Scott had said hey, come on girls – just one picture. Come on – stop goofing. Just smile for your old Pa, will you?

‘And this is my home. I live around twenty minutes from a village called Pemberton.’

Jenna, Scott and a dog. A majestic mountain, its ravines and peaks slashed with snow, fir trees scoring dark trails through its sides, like mascara tears. A broad veranda wrapped around a home made of huge logs set in an extraordinary landscape whose vastness couldn’t be compromised by a phone screen.

Frankie turned to face him. He was very close. Aftershave. A neat nose. Bristles dipping into the vertical laughter lines on his cheeks. Eyes the colour of the rock on that mountain outside his home. ‘Wow.’

‘Pretty much sums up my life, that picture,’ he said.

‘What’s the dog’s name?’ She liked the look of the brown Labrador, he appeared to be grinning.

‘Buddy. He’s a Seizure Alert Dog – and his name fits. He’s older now, a little arthritic. It’s our turn to look after him. Actually, he’s English – he came from this incredible center in Sheffield.’

‘How does he help?’

‘He can sense tiny changes in Jenna’s manner, in her behaviour or mood – sometimes up to fifty minutes before a possible seizure. He’s trained to let her or me know.’

‘Where’s Buddy now, though?’

‘So he’s with Aaron. Here,’ Scott found a picture of Aaron with Buddy in the cockpit of the Cessna. ‘Aaron’s as close as I have to a brother. We grew up together, went to school together and we still live close by. He’s a First Nations man – a native. Aaron’s people are the Ĺíĺwat – they’ve been living in the territory for over five thousand years.’ He observed how intently Frankie was looking at the photo. ‘He’s a crazy, beautiful guy – he has his own plane and runs a skydiving business. He flies me to Vancouver when I have to go abroad.’

‘Does Buddy fly too?’ Frankie hoped he did – there could be a story in that. Buddy Flies to the Rescue, Buddy Takes to the Skies, Buddy and the Eagle’s Nest.

‘Oh sure,’ said Scott, ‘he loves it.’

‘What about when Jenna goes to college – could she take Buddy?’

‘She could – but she won’t. She wants to be seen as normal. She doesn’t like people to know, really. There are still a lot of misconceptions about epilepsy despite the fact that it’s the most common brain disorder worldwide. Unfortunately, we’re still on a bit of an expedition finding the right medication for Jenna. She’s one of the twenty per cent who don’t have much luck on that front.’

Frankie looked at Scott. ‘When Sam was a toddler we were out in the park and a man started having a fit.’ She paused. ‘It frightened me. Somebody else went to his aid.’

‘It is frightening. It still scares the shit out of me and I know how to deal with a seizure.’

Frankie thought of Sam. Taller than her now, his voice swinging from childlike to croaky; a boy-man in the making sometimes battling with himself to figure out if he was to become a rebel or remain a geek. She thought of Annabel with her button nose that was just the same as when she’d been a toddler; a contrary yet thoughtful child with a vulnerability she kept hidden behind liveliness. She thought of how they loved their bedrooms, their things, the chaos and clatter, the tempers and laughter. She’d never had to worry about their health. On those blessed occasions when all went quiet in their rooms, she always thought thank God for that, a moment’s peace.

‘I just can’t begin to imagine,’ she said quietly.

‘Well, my theory is you have to live life to the full, whatever is thrown at you. It’s like a ball game really, keep batting, keep playing, keep believing yours is the winning team.’

‘I like your philosophy, Scott,’ said Frankie. ‘I ought to pin it up on my fridge. Don’t laugh – I’m serious! Authors can be introverted and overemotional souls.’

Scott was grinning. ‘I can’t believe you told me you were an accountant.’ Frankie reddened. He nudged her. She nudged him back. She thought, I’ve just smiled coyly, on purpose. She thought, he’s not letting my eyes go.

But the hotel lobby was emptying. Sharp-suited businessmen, previously lairy, now just dull drunk, slumped around the bar like scrunches of rejected paper at the end of a brainstorm. In a corner, a couple engrossed in a hungry snog, only half-hidden by decorative bamboo. At a neighbouring table, an elderly lady sipping tea as though she’d quite lost sense of what time of day it was. And still Frankie and Scott sat side by side.

‘How long are you staying?’

‘Another night,’ said Frankie. ‘You?’

‘I fly out Sunday afternoon. I’ll have been here a week.’

‘Are you working all that time?’ Shall I say something? Shall I try? ‘Are you working tomorrow?’

‘Yes, I’m in the studio. You?’

‘I have a couple of meetings. Dinner with my agent.’ Try and make it happen. ‘Where’s your studio?’

‘Abbey Road.’

‘Well that’s a good address for a studio,’ said Frankie guilelessly. ‘There’s a world-famous one called just that. The Beatles – the zebra crossing.’

Scott laughed. ‘There’s only one Abbey Road, Frankie.’

‘And you’re there?’

‘British session musicians are the best in the world when it comes to sight-reading and playing to a “click”. I think it’s down to a lack of funding from your government – they have limited rehearsal opportunity. I love working with them.’

‘Do you use the zebra crossing every day?’

‘Oh I try to. Barefoot. Like Lennon. But the tourists get in the way. Reality is I’m inside all the time.’

‘Recording your soundtrack?’

He nodded.

‘Who’s in your film?’

‘Well it isn’t my film – I’ve just written the music. But Jeff Bridges is the lead.’

‘Oh I love him,’ said Frankie, thinking Scott’s modesty was beguiling. ‘And anyway, music is often as much a lead character in a film – like setting can be in a book.’

‘I’ll drink to that,’ said Scott but their glasses were empty and the bar was closed. Only the little old lady remained and she’d just asked for her bill. Scott was brought his though he hadn’t requested it.

They were going to have to go, really.

Frankie wondered, how do we leave these seats, this table, our little corner in which my world expanded? How can we stay in our bubble?

And then, in her mind, she heard Ruth saying go for it! and Peta saying don’t be so stupid.

‘If you get some time tomorrow,’ she said, ‘and I do too – shall we try and meet? Perhaps I could come to The Abbey Road?’ He was just looking at her, not speaking. ‘Or if not there, somewhere?’

‘Anywhere,’ said Scott softly. ‘Why don’t we make it happen, Frankie. Crazy as it sounds.’

* * *

As slowly as they walked across the atrium, soon enough they were behind the huge urns and bamboo, back at the lifts. As they stood waiting, Scott looked down on her head and thought how Frankie would tuck just under his chin. And Frankie glanced sideways at his chest and imagined laying her cheek against it. He had his hands in his back pockets and she wanted to link her arm through his.

Into the elevator, just the two of them. Her mind reeling through a thousand movie scenes of impulsive kisses when the doors slide shut, of fumbling with keys and falling into an anonymous hotel room shedding clothes, broiling with desire.

But Frankie and Scott just stood side by side.

Fifth floor.

‘This is me,’ said Frankie.

‘Tomorrow?’ said Scott.

Frankie tapped her watch. ‘Today.’

And she walked down the corridor on her own aware that, downstairs in the lobby, Kate Moss was still smiling on the magazine table.

Enormously tired. Stratospherically tired but high as a kite. Running that bath, eating chocolates left on the pillow, flicking on the television and zapping through the channels. One two three four five six seven scatter pillows pedantically rearranged at the foot of the bed. Four plump pillows and a waft of duvet enticingly folded back to reveal the downy comfort of a beautifully made bed. So long since she’d felt this wired, this alert, this sentient. So long since she’d had any of these feelings. Longing and kinship and warmth and attraction and wave after wave of desire. Something deep inside had stirred. Over the last few years, it was as if she’d switched off lights from necessity in those rooms within herself that she couldn’t afford to use.

She eased herself down deep into the bath, bubbles up to her chin, the soothe of a thick warm flannel over her face. The plastic shower cap.

If anyone could see me now.

Tomorrow.

Today.

Earlier yesterday.

Later today.

Frankie, says Alice. Who was that? Who was that man, Frankie? Will you write him into your life like you did me?