Читать книгу "Not I, but the Wind..." - Frieda von Richthofen Lawrence - Страница 35

Villa Igea

Villa di Gargnano

Lago di Garda

14 Dec. 1912

Dear Else:

I was not cross with your letter. I think you want to do the best for Frieda. I do also. But I think you ask us to throw away a real apple for a gilt one. Nowadays it costs more courage to assert one’s desire and need, than it does to renounce. If Frieda and the children could live happily together, I should say “Go” because the happiness of two out of three is sufficient. But if she would only be sacrificing her life, I would not let her go if I could keep her. Because if she brings to the children a sacrifice, that is a curse to them. If I had a prayer, I think it would be “Lord, let no one ever sacrifice living stuff to me—because I am burdened enough.”

Whatever the children may miss now, they will preserve their inner liberty, and their independent pride will be strong when they come of age. But if Frieda gave all up to go and live with them, that would sap their strength because they would have to support her life when they grew up. They would not be free to live of themselves—they would first have to live for her, to pay back. It is like somebody giving a present that was never asked for, and putting the recipient under the obligation of making restitution, often more than he could afford.

So we must go on, and never let go the children, but will, will and will to have them and have what we think good. That’s all one can do. You say: “Lawrence kommt mir vor wie ein Held”—I hope he may “gehen dir aus” similarly. He doesn’t feel at all heroic, but only in the devil of a mess.

Don’t mind how I write, will you?

Yours sincerely,

D. H. Lawrence