Читать книгу THE PATH TO FREEDOM - GABRIELLE MARIA - Страница 3

At 33 I found myself on the floor of my bedroom, in a beautiful country mansion, with all the trappings of wealth.

I was rocking on the floor back and forth, trying to sooth myself, in so much internal emotional pain and suffering that I felt I only had to let go and I would go insane, a way out, I would not have to deal with the world and all its anguish any longer. It was a major crossroad. In my turmoil I remembered a place in my heart that I had experienced when I was a child, a place of peace and beauty and love that I had not been to since then. At that moment I decided that I would find that place again, I would find my way there; I made a decision then and there to seek healing for myself. To fight my way back to sanity and that place of peace. There had to be a better way to live, I was absolutely through with the pain of relationships and the world, there had to be a better way to function and thrive and I had to find it. I had to; there was no life for me on the earth otherwise.

I had followed a man through love into his suffering. I had been so consumed with his problems, his depression and alcoholism, I had given him my all, given up my own life my own self for him and I could do it no longer. I had to choose life for me, put myself ahead of his journey, heal myself; this was my pivotal point of change.

This was my awakening. It would awaken a passion in me to become real, to find my true self.

After making this decision, I had without knowing it, called in all the powers of myself and the universe to lead me step by step, little bit by little bit to restoration within myself and a fulfillment and peace on a unsurpassed level. That one decision changed my life as it will change yours.

It’s a decision to change, to grow, to open to the unlimited potential of your being and it totally changes the game.

Awakening is a realization by the human self that there has to be something more, beyond the everyday human life we are aware of and a willingness to find that truth. This one conscious decision by the human starts an incredible process where everything you need on your journey will be there, every support, every teacher, and every experience for your unfolding will come to you. It doesn’t feel like this at the time, I can only state this awareness, looking back over my journey. It takes time, for me over 30 years to where I am today, but for the new ones coming in a lot less time, pain and suffering.

I was born into a loving middle class catholic family, the eldest of 4 children. I was a shy, sensitive child. My mother was a devout catholic and daily communicant and took me to church with her. As a very young child I loved playing in nature, the beauty and magic of it, a wondrous place. I played with my light being companions, mother Mary and the archangels and I lived in the early years in a world of the spirit. It was a sharp contrast to the pain and anxiety of daily life that I picked up sometimes in my parents, grandparents and family, though by most people’s standards they were happy people. I just didn’t understand the harshness of life and the anguish about everyday issues that seemed to radiate from them at times. I found it jarring. My natural space was peace.

I started kindergarten and in my first year had a lovely old nun who taught me that if I was still and listened to my heart I would be able to sit in it with Jesus. I did this meditation and I found a love that would overtake me, consume me and radiate from me. It was a place I would go to often in those early years. It was a place of refuge a place of love.

Over time at about 10 years old, I left this gentle world behind as most sensitives do and moved into living in the 3D world. For the most part I lived a happy, mostly carefree time with the neighborhood children and siblings, playing cricket and searching for tadpoles in the nearby creek. Life went on.

My family was catholic and I picked up many of their attitudes and beliefs when I was young, men worked and women stayed at home looking after the family, men were more important than woman, any problems were never discussed, swept under the carpet as it were. The worst thing you could do would be to hurt someone, even by telling the truth. Marriage was for life. Many ideas I would later have to let go of. There were good attitudes too of course, to give, to help others, to be kind. This is not to make my parents attitudes wrong, they just reflected the attitudes and beliefs of their time.

I was a fairly normal teenager, discovered boys, alcohol, music and parties. I was full of insecurity and still very shy. I traveled overseas in my early 20’s living and working in London for nearly 2 years, and enjoying Greece, turkey and most of Europe on a whirlwind trip. I loved travel.

On returning home I started working for a travel agent and was able to have many wonderful trips to exotic locations. My confidence in myself and my abilities was growing. Days of genuine happiness however were infrequent. I had forgotten my spiritual awareness and was totally absorbed in the pursuit of worldly happiness, glamour, money, success, parties and men.

I was given a book by a friend, ‘three magic words’ by US Anderson it was the first metaphysical book I was to read and it opened me to the awareness of worlds beyond my human limited thoughts and existence and the possibility that I was connected to universal mind and a part of it, I was part of god. It was a very interesting concept.

I fell in love at 26 and married a short time later after meeting an unusual man, and oxford scholar, philosopher, who was extremely bright. He had a photographic memory and thought outside the box. I found him fascinating.

Among other things he was interested in hypnosis and we explored past lives together, he would take friends back in hypnosis to past lives and I found it all exciting and it opened me to the possibility of dimensions beyond the here and now on earth.

By this stage I was working as Australian Manager for an American cruising company, travelling Australia regularly and meeting in New York head office when necessary.

My confidence in myself was stable based on what I had achieved and how I looked; I was young, bright and quite attractive.

On the night before our wedding I realized he had a serious problem with alcohol, (which I later blocked totally from my memory). I decided that I loved him whatever and I would not call the wedding off (I don’t think I could have faced what I believed was the shame of this anyway) and went ahead. We had a little more than 18 months of happy marriage when things started spiraling down. He was under enormous pressure with work and seemed to be suffering some sort of breakdown. He would sometimes explode in fits of anger directed at me, was depressed at times and I found myself walking on eggshells for much of the time.

We went through years not knowing what was wrong, he drank but most of our friends did too, we had many trips to the hospital till he was finally diagnosed as alcoholic. I was shocked, my mind had refused to see this as a possibility, I thought he had extreme mental problems. I found it incredible that my mind had totally blocked out the obvious truth of the situation. I had refused to accept consciously something that I knew was absolutely true.

I discovered then and for years later that I was someone who wanted to avoid pain at any cost, run from it whenever possible. It took years to come to the place where I could face pain, accept it and allow it to wash over me, only then could I take stock and move forward.

The nature of alcoholism is that the partner of the person with the problem becomes mentally and emotionally sick as well, any time I confronted him with a situation he would turn it around so it became my fault. It happened for so long that I was not sure what reality was. I had no confidence in myself or my judgement, no self-belief; I was like a boat without a rudder or oar, floating on a wild sea and being swept along by the currents of life.

I was no longer working at this stage; we had bought a large, beautiful house in the country which I was renovating. Not in a 9 to 5 job gave me the time and the space to spend on my healing. I would have been incapable of working in any case; I was an emotional and mental wreck.