Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat

Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat
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Gael Lindenfield. Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat

Managing Anger

Gael Lindenfield

Table of Contents

List of Exercises

Introduction

Why I Have Written This Book

What This Book Offers

Who Can Be Helped by This Book?

How to Use This Book

Introduction to the 2000 Edition

CHAPTER 1 Anger’s Journey from Stimulus to Response

The Stimuli

ENVIRONMENT

CULTURE

EMOTIONAL STATE

PHYSICAL HEALTH

INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION

The Responses

CHAPTER 2 Anger and Our Bodies

The Positive Function of Anger’s Physical Qualities

WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR BODIES WHEN WE ARE ANGRY?

Anger’s Physical Journey

RESPONSE 1 – VIA THE WISDOM WAY

RESPONSE 2 – VIA THE JUNGLE SPEEDWAY

THE DANGERS OF SUSTAINING THE PHYSIOLOGICAL STATE OF ANGER

The Physical Triggers. THE EFFECTS OF CHANGES IN OUR BIOCHEMISTRY

CHAPTER 3 Anger and Our Minds

Anger and Self-Esteem

ANGER AND SANITY

MY OWN EXPERIENCE

The Psychological Effects of Mismanaging Anger

ANGER CAN FUEL OBSESSIONS, PHOBIAS AND ADDICTIONS

ANGER CAN FUEL MANIC TENDENCIES

ANGER CAN FUEL PARANOIA, PREJUDICE AND HOSTILE ATTITUDES

CHAPTER 4 Anger and Our Behaviour

Passive Behaviour. EXPRESSING ANGER PASSIVELY. Secretive

Manipulative

Self-blaming

Self-sacrificing

Ineffectual

Dispassionate

Obsessional

Evasive

Aggressive Behaviour. EXPRESSING ANGER AGGRESSIVELY. Threatening

Hurtful

Destructive

Bullying

Unjust Blaming

Manic

Grandiose

Selfish

Revengeful

Unpredictable

Assertive Behaviour. EXPRESSING ANGER ASSERTIVELY

Direct

Honourable

Focused

Persistent

Courageous

Passionate

Creative

Forgiving

CHAPTER 5 Personal Anger Patterns

The Trigger

The Reaction

How Are These Patterns Formed?

The Impact of Childhood Experiences

LITTLE BOYS OR LITTLE GIRLS?

TWO Managing Our Own Anger

CHAPTER 6 Step 1: Challenge and Change Your Attitudes

Establish Your Rights. OUR RIGHTS IN RELATION TO ANGER

My Assertive Anger Rights

EXERCISE: MY RIGHTS

Analyse your attitudes. ASSESS THE PRICE OF BEING ‘TOO NICE’

We Block Our Potential for Personal Growth

We Block the Potential Growth of Others

We Limit Our Chances of Intimacy

We Curtail Our Passion

We Inhibit Our Sexuality

We Can Become Insufferably Self-righteous

We May Limit Our Chances of Success and Financial Reward

We Can Be Used and Abused

EXERCISE: THE PRICE OF MY ‘NICENESS’

CHAPTER 7 Step 2: Take Control of Your Fears. Anger and Fear

Managing Fear

SEPARATING FANTASY FROM REALITY

EXERCISE: DEALING WITH IRRATIONAL FEARS

FEAR: ‘I WON’T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE WITHOUT…’

FEAR: ‘PEOPLE WON’T LIKE ME’

FEAR: ‘I COULD GET VIOLENT’

FEAR: ‘OTHER PEOPLE COULD HURT ME.’

FEAR: ‘I WILL GET ILL’

CONTINGENCY PLANNING

EXERCISE: HANDLING RATIONAL FEARS

FEAR: ‘IF I START TO SHOW MY FRUSTRATION AT WORK, I MAY FIND THAT MY COLLEAGUES WILL NOT SUPPORT ME.’

FEAR: ‘IF I START TO SHOW MY ANGER AT HOME THERE COULD BE A SHOUTING MATCH WHICH COULD ANNOY OR WORRY THE NEIGHBOURS.’

FEAR! ‘IF I START TO GET CROSS WITH MUM, SHE MIGHT STOP RINGING OR BABYSITTING OR EVEN SENDING THE CHILDREN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.’

FEAR: ‘IF I SHOW HOW ANGRY I AM ABOUT THE SEXIST PUT DOWNS FREELY GIVEN AT THE CLUB/PUB, I MIGHT FIND I HAVE MANY FEWER SOCIAL DATES IN MY DIARY.’

FEAR: ‘IF I START STANDING UP TO MY PARTNER, HE/SHE COULD JUST WALK AWAY AND REFUSE TO TALK OR EVEN HIT ME.’

FEAR: ‘IF I GET ANGRY, MY CHILDREN COULD GET FRIGHTENED.’

MANAGING THE ANXIETY SYMPTOMS OF FEAR

CHAPTER 8 Step 3: Face the ‘Beast’ Within Yourself. Acknowledging Your Negative Side

EXERCISE: EXPLORING MY DARKER SIDE

Sharing the Negative Side

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

NASTY THOUGHTS AND FANTASIES

CHAPTER 9 Step 4: Deal with the Backlog of Unresolved Anger

Healing Early Wounds

EXERCISE: UNCOVERING CHILDHOOD WOUNDS

EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING YOUR INNER CHILD’S ANGER

EXERCISE: HEALING CHILDHOOD WOUNDS

Healing Wounds from Adulthood

EXERCISE: UNRESOLVED ANGER FROM ADULTHOOD

CHAPTER 10 Step 5: Learn to Express Feelings Appropriately and Skilfully

Expressing Assertive Anger. HOW TO HANDLE ESCALATING ANGER. Halt Procrastination

Check Your Physiology

Stop the Stimulants

Release Your Physical Tension

Analyse

Address Your Fear

Write or Mentally Compose Your Script

GUIDELINES FOR ASSERTIVE ANGER SCRIPTS. Start Positively

Be direct

Specify the Degree of Anger

Don’t Accuse Others of Making You Angry

Share Your Feelings of Threat and Fear

Acknowledge Your Responsibility

Avoid Self-Put-Downs or Invitations to Criticism or Retaliatory Anger

Don’t Bring Up Too Many Past Grievances

Don’t Play Amateur Psychologist’

Don’t ‘Label’

Don’t Preach or Moralize

Avoid Bringing in a Third Party

Criticize the Behaviour and Not the Whole Person

Be Specific and Realistic in Your Requests

Don’t Over-threaten with Punishments

Avoid Humour

Try to Offer a Reward

Use Assertive Language

Anger Language. AGGRESSIVE. Verbal

Non-verbal

PASSIVE. Verbal

Non-verbal

ASSERTIVE. Verbal

Non-verbal

EXERCISE: ASSERTIVE ANGER SCRIPTS

Making the Best of Outbursts of Rage

Distance

Ground

Tension

Breathe

Apologize

Retract

Restate

Promise

Repair

CHAPTER 11 Step 6: Find Constructive Channels for Your Anger Energy

Anger in Action. SET GOALS

CONFIRM YOUR RIGHTS

ASSESS A REALISTIC PRICE

CHECK YOUR SUPPORT

SET YOUR AGENDA

EVALUATE YOUR PROGRESS

REWARD YOURSELF APPROPRIATELY

PROBLEM A

Goals

Rights

Price

Support

Agenda

Evaluate

Reward

PROBLEM B

Goals

Rights

Price

Support

Agenda

Evaluate

Reward

PROBLEM C

Goals

Rights

Price

Support

Agenda

Evaluate

Reward

EXERCISE: ACTION FOR JUSTIFIED ANGER

Introduction

1. The Most Effective Method of Learning is Experiential

2. Rage Fuels Rage

CHAPTER 12 Facing an Angry Outburst

Use Positive Self-talk

EXERCISE: POSITIVE SELF TALK

Check that Your Body is in a State of ‘Alert Relaxation’

Check Your Body Language

Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings

Share Your Own Feelings and Fears

Indicate that You Are Listening

Make a Conciliatory Gesture

Express Your Needs and Wants Calmly and Persistently

Use Self-protective Techniques to Block Criticism

EXERCISE: SELF-PROTECTION TECHNIQUES FOR CRITICISM

CHAPTER 13 In the Wake of the Outburst

Guidelines for Assertive Follow-up Action. Watch Out for Your Own Favourite ‘Cop-outs’

EXERCISE: NO EXCUSE

Get Rid of Residual Physical Tension

Talk to Other People About the Experience

Prepare What You Want to Say

Rehearse the Scene

Give Yourself Some Positive Self-talk

Relax Your Body

Initiate a Discussion

Be Ready for a Defensive Reaction

Ask for Clarification

Plan a Reward for Yourself

CHAPTER 14 Dealing with the Chronic or Repressed Anger of Other People

Remind Yourself of Your Rights

Become Super-aware of the First Signals of This Kind of Anger

Choose an Appropriate Time and Place for Your Confrontation

Don’t Mix Drinking with Talking

Actively Prompt Constructive Criticism

Initiate Negotiation

Reward the Expression of Feeling

Finish Positively

CHAPTER 15 In the Face of Violence

Guidelines for Assessing Danger. Think Before Acting

Trust Your Intuition

Don’t be Naïve

Be Quietly Courageous

Run Away If You Can

Use Your Best Attributes

Beware of Using Violence

Introduction

CHAPTER 16 Strategies for Yourself. Improve Your Self-esteem

EXERCISE: SOUNDING OUT MY SELF ESTEEM

Manage Your Pressures More Effectively

EXERCISE: STRESS MONITORING

STRESS SYMPTOMS. Physical

Emotional

Behavioural

EXERCISE: MY STRESS ALERT CHART

MY STRESS ALERT CHART

Become More Positive

1. THE ‘GEE’ STRATEGY

2. REFRAMING

Widen Your Horizons

EXERCISE: CHALLENGING MY BLINKERS

Improve Your Communication Skills

EXERCISE: IMPROVING COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Maintain Your Relationships in Good Order

EXERCISE: ANALYSING MY RELATIONSHIPS

CHAPTER 17 Strategies for Others. Improve the Management of Your Organizations

EXERCISE: MANAGEMENT SPOT-CHECK

Encourage Others to Improve Their Anger Management

Further Reading

Assertiveness Training

Healing Your Inner Child’s Anger

Managing Anger

Managing Conflict Within Relationships

Theories and Research

Other Relevant Preventative Personal Development Books

Index

Acknowledgements

About the author:

Copyright

About the Publisher

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Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat

Title Page

.....

We become aware of:

– feelings of warmth (even when it is quite cold)

.....

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