Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat
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Gael Lindenfield. Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat
Managing Anger
Gael Lindenfield
Table of Contents
List of Exercises
Introduction
Why I Have Written This Book
What This Book Offers
Who Can Be Helped by This Book?
How to Use This Book
Introduction to the 2000 Edition
CHAPTER 1 Anger’s Journey from Stimulus to Response
The Stimuli
ENVIRONMENT
CULTURE
EMOTIONAL STATE
PHYSICAL HEALTH
INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION
The Responses
CHAPTER 2 Anger and Our Bodies
The Positive Function of Anger’s Physical Qualities
WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR BODIES WHEN WE ARE ANGRY?
Anger’s Physical Journey
RESPONSE 1 – VIA THE WISDOM WAY
RESPONSE 2 – VIA THE JUNGLE SPEEDWAY
THE DANGERS OF SUSTAINING THE PHYSIOLOGICAL STATE OF ANGER
The Physical Triggers. THE EFFECTS OF CHANGES IN OUR BIOCHEMISTRY
CHAPTER 3 Anger and Our Minds
Anger and Self-Esteem
ANGER AND SANITY
MY OWN EXPERIENCE
The Psychological Effects of Mismanaging Anger
ANGER CAN FUEL OBSESSIONS, PHOBIAS AND ADDICTIONS
ANGER CAN FUEL MANIC TENDENCIES
ANGER CAN FUEL PARANOIA, PREJUDICE AND HOSTILE ATTITUDES
CHAPTER 4 Anger and Our Behaviour
Passive Behaviour. EXPRESSING ANGER PASSIVELY. Secretive
Manipulative
Self-blaming
Self-sacrificing
Ineffectual
Dispassionate
Obsessional
Evasive
Aggressive Behaviour. EXPRESSING ANGER AGGRESSIVELY. Threatening
Hurtful
Destructive
Bullying
Unjust Blaming
Manic
Grandiose
Selfish
Revengeful
Unpredictable
Assertive Behaviour. EXPRESSING ANGER ASSERTIVELY
Direct
Honourable
Focused
Persistent
Courageous
Passionate
Creative
Forgiving
CHAPTER 5 Personal Anger Patterns
The Trigger
The Reaction
How Are These Patterns Formed?
The Impact of Childhood Experiences
LITTLE BOYS OR LITTLE GIRLS?
TWO Managing Our Own Anger
CHAPTER 6 Step 1: Challenge and Change Your Attitudes
Establish Your Rights. OUR RIGHTS IN RELATION TO ANGER
My Assertive Anger Rights
EXERCISE: MY RIGHTS
Analyse your attitudes. ASSESS THE PRICE OF BEING ‘TOO NICE’
We Block Our Potential for Personal Growth
We Block the Potential Growth of Others
We Limit Our Chances of Intimacy
We Curtail Our Passion
We Inhibit Our Sexuality
We Can Become Insufferably Self-righteous
We May Limit Our Chances of Success and Financial Reward
We Can Be Used and Abused
EXERCISE: THE PRICE OF MY ‘NICENESS’
CHAPTER 7 Step 2: Take Control of Your Fears. Anger and Fear
Managing Fear
SEPARATING FANTASY FROM REALITY
EXERCISE: DEALING WITH IRRATIONAL FEARS
FEAR: ‘I WON’T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE WITHOUT…’
FEAR: ‘PEOPLE WON’T LIKE ME’
FEAR: ‘I COULD GET VIOLENT’
FEAR: ‘OTHER PEOPLE COULD HURT ME.’
FEAR: ‘I WILL GET ILL’
CONTINGENCY PLANNING
EXERCISE: HANDLING RATIONAL FEARS
FEAR: ‘IF I START TO SHOW MY FRUSTRATION AT WORK, I MAY FIND THAT MY COLLEAGUES WILL NOT SUPPORT ME.’
FEAR: ‘IF I START TO SHOW MY ANGER AT HOME THERE COULD BE A SHOUTING MATCH WHICH COULD ANNOY OR WORRY THE NEIGHBOURS.’
FEAR! ‘IF I START TO GET CROSS WITH MUM, SHE MIGHT STOP RINGING OR BABYSITTING OR EVEN SENDING THE CHILDREN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.’
FEAR: ‘IF I SHOW HOW ANGRY I AM ABOUT THE SEXIST PUT DOWNS FREELY GIVEN AT THE CLUB/PUB, I MIGHT FIND I HAVE MANY FEWER SOCIAL DATES IN MY DIARY.’
FEAR: ‘IF I START STANDING UP TO MY PARTNER, HE/SHE COULD JUST WALK AWAY AND REFUSE TO TALK OR EVEN HIT ME.’
FEAR: ‘IF I GET ANGRY, MY CHILDREN COULD GET FRIGHTENED.’
MANAGING THE ANXIETY SYMPTOMS OF FEAR
CHAPTER 8 Step 3: Face the ‘Beast’ Within Yourself. Acknowledging Your Negative Side
EXERCISE: EXPLORING MY DARKER SIDE
Sharing the Negative Side
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
NASTY THOUGHTS AND FANTASIES
CHAPTER 9 Step 4: Deal with the Backlog of Unresolved Anger
Healing Early Wounds
EXERCISE: UNCOVERING CHILDHOOD WOUNDS
EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING YOUR INNER CHILD’S ANGER
EXERCISE: HEALING CHILDHOOD WOUNDS
Healing Wounds from Adulthood
EXERCISE: UNRESOLVED ANGER FROM ADULTHOOD
CHAPTER 10 Step 5: Learn to Express Feelings Appropriately and Skilfully
Expressing Assertive Anger. HOW TO HANDLE ESCALATING ANGER. Halt Procrastination
Check Your Physiology
Stop the Stimulants
Release Your Physical Tension
Analyse
Address Your Fear
Write or Mentally Compose Your Script
GUIDELINES FOR ASSERTIVE ANGER SCRIPTS. Start Positively
Be direct
Specify the Degree of Anger
Don’t Accuse Others of Making You Angry
Share Your Feelings of Threat and Fear
Acknowledge Your Responsibility
Avoid Self-Put-Downs or Invitations to Criticism or Retaliatory Anger
Don’t Bring Up Too Many Past Grievances
Don’t Play Amateur Psychologist’
Don’t ‘Label’
Don’t Preach or Moralize
Avoid Bringing in a Third Party
Criticize the Behaviour and Not the Whole Person
Be Specific and Realistic in Your Requests
Don’t Over-threaten with Punishments
Avoid Humour
Try to Offer a Reward
Use Assertive Language
Anger Language. AGGRESSIVE. Verbal
Non-verbal
PASSIVE. Verbal
Non-verbal
ASSERTIVE. Verbal
Non-verbal
EXERCISE: ASSERTIVE ANGER SCRIPTS
Making the Best of Outbursts of Rage
Distance
Ground
Tension
Breathe
Apologize
Retract
Restate
Promise
Repair
CHAPTER 11 Step 6: Find Constructive Channels for Your Anger Energy
Anger in Action. SET GOALS
CONFIRM YOUR RIGHTS
ASSESS A REALISTIC PRICE
CHECK YOUR SUPPORT
SET YOUR AGENDA
EVALUATE YOUR PROGRESS
REWARD YOURSELF APPROPRIATELY
PROBLEM A
Goals
Rights
Price
Support
Agenda
Evaluate
Reward
PROBLEM B
Goals
Rights
Price
Support
Agenda
Evaluate
Reward
PROBLEM C
Goals
Rights
Price
Support
Agenda
Evaluate
Reward
EXERCISE: ACTION FOR JUSTIFIED ANGER
Introduction
1. The Most Effective Method of Learning is Experiential
2. Rage Fuels Rage
CHAPTER 12 Facing an Angry Outburst
Use Positive Self-talk
EXERCISE: POSITIVE SELF TALK
Check that Your Body is in a State of ‘Alert Relaxation’
Check Your Body Language
Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings
Share Your Own Feelings and Fears
Indicate that You Are Listening
Make a Conciliatory Gesture
Express Your Needs and Wants Calmly and Persistently
Use Self-protective Techniques to Block Criticism
EXERCISE: SELF-PROTECTION TECHNIQUES FOR CRITICISM
CHAPTER 13 In the Wake of the Outburst
Guidelines for Assertive Follow-up Action. Watch Out for Your Own Favourite ‘Cop-outs’
EXERCISE: NO EXCUSE
Get Rid of Residual Physical Tension
Talk to Other People About the Experience
Prepare What You Want to Say
Rehearse the Scene
Give Yourself Some Positive Self-talk
Relax Your Body
Initiate a Discussion
Be Ready for a Defensive Reaction
Ask for Clarification
Plan a Reward for Yourself
CHAPTER 14 Dealing with the Chronic or Repressed Anger of Other People
Remind Yourself of Your Rights
Become Super-aware of the First Signals of This Kind of Anger
Choose an Appropriate Time and Place for Your Confrontation
Don’t Mix Drinking with Talking
Actively Prompt Constructive Criticism
Initiate Negotiation
Reward the Expression of Feeling
Finish Positively
CHAPTER 15 In the Face of Violence
Guidelines for Assessing Danger. Think Before Acting
Trust Your Intuition
Don’t be Naïve
Be Quietly Courageous
Run Away If You Can
Use Your Best Attributes
Beware of Using Violence
Introduction
CHAPTER 16 Strategies for Yourself. Improve Your Self-esteem
EXERCISE: SOUNDING OUT MY SELF ESTEEM
Manage Your Pressures More Effectively
EXERCISE: STRESS MONITORING
STRESS SYMPTOMS. Physical
Emotional
Behavioural
EXERCISE: MY STRESS ALERT CHART
MY STRESS ALERT CHART
Become More Positive
1. THE ‘GEE’ STRATEGY
2. REFRAMING
Widen Your Horizons
EXERCISE: CHALLENGING MY BLINKERS
Improve Your Communication Skills
EXERCISE: IMPROVING COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Maintain Your Relationships in Good Order
EXERCISE: ANALYSING MY RELATIONSHIPS
CHAPTER 17 Strategies for Others. Improve the Management of Your Organizations
EXERCISE: MANAGEMENT SPOT-CHECK
Encourage Others to Improve Their Anger Management
Further Reading
Assertiveness Training
Healing Your Inner Child’s Anger
Managing Anger
Managing Conflict Within Relationships
Theories and Research
Other Relevant Preventative Personal Development Books
Index
Acknowledgements
About the author:
Copyright
About the Publisher
Отрывок из книги
Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat
Title Page
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We become aware of:
– feelings of warmth (even when it is quite cold)
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