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The Will of Carmichael

I, Carl Carmichael, being of reasonably sound mind and knowing that eternity is long and life is short, especially if I keep hanging around that bunch of Wolf River trout fishermen, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament.

ARTICLE FIRST

Being of said sound mind, it is my intention to spend all of my money during my lifetime and be flat broke at the moment of my death, thereby cheating my doctor, my lawyer and the funeral director out of fat fees. However, it’s possible I may not live out my allotted three score and ten years and, instead, meet an untimely end before I can use up all of my assets.

If there is anything left over when I go, I direct my Personal Representative to vigorously resist payment of any claims against my Estate. Did it ever occur to you that the reason these debts haven’t been paid is because, during my lifetime, I considered them to be unjust, improper and/or outrageous? - like the debt I’m sure Jack Allord will try to collect.

Last November, I paid the farmer eight hundred dollars just because I shot his cow by mistake. Allord made me sign a note for the three hundred dollars I had to borrow in order to make the full payment.

Well, it was Allord who insisted we have a couple beers before heading back to deer camp and it was Allord who stopped the car when we saw those big eyes shining at us from over what turned out to be the manure pile next to the barn. Any right thinking person would know Allord was more to blame than I.

O.K. Allord, put this in your pipe and smoke it. I purposely misspelled my name when I signed that note. I direct my Personal Representative not only to resist any attempt you may make to secure payment of the note, but also to visit the District Attorney and swear out a Complaint charging you with forgery.

ARTICLE SECOND

I direct my Personal Representative to lay my split bamboo fly rod, Hardy reel, all of my flies, my fly boxes and leaders, a good supply of #12 Mustad hooks, my Lefevre 20 ga. shotgun and a couple cases of 7 ½ chill shells next to me in the casket.

I realize this will make their burden much heavier so apologize to my pall bearers for me. Tell them why I made the request. Just in case I’m wrong and there is an after life, I want to be properly prepared.

ARTICLE THIRD

I’d better leave a thousand dollars to the Catch and Release Society of America. Reincarnation is a possibility and I may come back as a Brown Trout.

ARTICLE FOURTH

Paul Eckert has been a good and faithful friend of long standing. We’ve hunted and fished and told lies together for a lot of years. Give him whatever .32 caliber cartridges are left in that cigar box in the bottom dresser drawer. They’re kinda old and green but they’ll still fire. Paul is one of the few deer slayers who still uses a .32 Special.

Come to think of it, Paul has been such a good buddy I should leave him more than half a box of old cartridges. Paul always wanted a new .308 but, what with the costs of college and a wife with access to a credit card, he’s had to put the purchase of a deer rifle low on the family list of priorities. I know how badly he wants one. He told me he’d do absolutely anything to get one.

Since gold is selling for a pretty good price, knock out my teeth and give them to him. He can sell the gold fillings for enough to buy a good rifle. However, to be on the safe side, if I’m shot in the back and the Coroner digs out a .32 caliber slug, don’t give him a damned thing.

ARTICLE FIFTH

In the national interest, I leave my graphite/boron fly rod to the youngest U S Senator representing my state of residence. I recommend all other trout fishermen make similar provisions in their wills.

Over time, the old Senators will die off and then all members of the Senate will have fishing rods. If we’re lucky, they’ll start trout fishing. If they do and we’re very lucky, they’ll become fanatics and spend all of their time fishing. Since the well-being of the United States is inversely proportional to the amount of time Senators spend in Washington D.C., we will save the country.

ARTICLE SIXTH

Dave Otto’s major joy in life is chasing the canny Ruffed Grouse. He has never disclosed the location of his favorite hunting spot to me. I’ve never told him where my secret grouse covert is hidden. If I told him, I know he’d keep the information completely confidential. I certainly wouldn’t divulge the location of my spot during my lifetime.

Though Dave is trustworthy, I’m not going to tell him where it is after my death, either. This one goes to the grave with me. Who says you can’t take it with you?

ARTICLE SEVENTH

I was going to give my collection of duck and trout stamps to Rob Cowdery, but I’ve changed my mind. I just found out he kept putting slugs into my 12 ga. skeet gun when he challenged me to a clay pigeon shoot. That’s the kind of low trick one would expect from a conniving, crafty counterfeit.

I admire and respect him for it and wish I had thought of it myself, but I didn’t and he did and he won fifty dollars from me and that part hurts, so to hell with him.

On second thought, give him that five acres of swamp land I own up in Florence County and make sure he has to pay the accumulated back taxes. I took the property for a bad debt. It’s worthless. He’ll never be able to get rid of it. Put a big value on it, too. Then he’ll have to pay an inheritance tax.

ARTICLE EIGHTH

The rest, residue and remainder of my Estate, real and personal, wherever located, I devise and bequeath to the Internal Revenue Service. Sooner or later, they’re going to get it anyway.

ARTICLE NINTH

I nominate and appoint the Governor as my Personal Representative and direct that no bond be required of him. I require no bond not because I trust him to manage my Estate without getting his hand in the till. It’s because no insurance company would consider bonding him and I won’t ask the impossible.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have signed this Will this 20^th day of September, 2011.

his

CARL X CARMICHAEL

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