Читать книгу The Wounds of War - Gary Blinco - Страница 10

CHAPTER TWO

Leanne Bishop finished putting back on the clothes she had removed in haste a few minutes before. She looked at herself in the small mirror on the wall, pouting her full lips as she replenished her lipstick and patted her hair into place. She knew she was very pretty, perhaps even beautiful, but it had never gone to her head. Her body was small but well proportioned and attractive. She had seen the way men, and women, looked at her and she felt confident about her appearance. She checked her make-up again, making sure that powder still covered the splash of freckles across her nose and cheeks. The deep green eyes stared back at her from the mirror with a hint of surprise, as if she were looking at herself for the first time.

There were small dark circles under her eyes, and the fatigue and nausea she had been feeling over the last two weeks showed in her face. She was rarely ill and avoided doctors as a matter of principle, but she had been unable to deny the strange things that were happening in her body and, at last, the need to seek help had surpassed her fear of a medical examination. She came from behind the screen and sat opposite the small dark man at the desk. He smiled at her, his perfect white teeth a stark contrast to the darkness of his skin. ‘Well?’, she asked quietly.

‘Nothing sinister, Leanne. However, you are pregnant’, Doctor Prakash Sharman said in his soothing, lilting voice. She was never sure if he was an Indian or a Pakistani, ‘about six weeks along in fact’. He studied her face for a moment to gauge her reaction. There was none, so he turned his attention to the calendar on his desk. ‘That would make the baby due at the end of November.’ He smiled at her. ‘I hope this is good news to share with your man tonight.’ He studied the girl’s face again, there was a rather painful little smile about her lips this time which froze into a grimace at his last comment. ‘My husband is away’, she said, ‘he’s in the army, fighting I think they call it, in Vietnam. He left pretty well straight after our honeymoon’. She became thoughtful, then smiled again when she saw the look of concern in the doctor’s eyes. ‘Looks like he gave me quite a present on the honeymoon, just like the 1950s or something, don’t you think?’

‘Unusual in this day and age because of the Pill but not that uncommon’, the doctor agreed. ‘Some brides are already pregnant but a lot of others are usually taking some precautions’. He raised his eyebrows at her and she blushed.

‘Neither for me, I’m afraid’, she said firmly, ‘getting pregnant just never occurred to me at all. My sister is the worldly wise one in the family’. She looked at him steadily. ‘What happens from here?’ She asked, remembering the misery of the last two weeks and dreading a continuation of the tiredness and nausea. He frowned, seemingly a little confused by the question. She laughed at his creased brows. ‘I’m sorry’, she said, ‘what I mean is, well, will I feel sicker than I have already been? Can I keep working? That sort of thing.’

‘Ah’, he said, understanding her at last. ‘Well, the nausea and tiredness should cease in another six weeks but can be helped by eating small portions of food regularly. You will probably see some increases in your sensitivities to certain things, both physical and emotional. You may develop a heightened sense of smell and taste, for example, not always in a pleasant way. Little things that never bothered you before may become more of an issue.’ He looked at her face carefully. ‘Your husband being away at this time may cause you some distress. Are you alone or with relatives?’

‘I’m living with my parents’, she said, gathering up her handbag. ‘Not much of a change really. I have lived with them all of my life, except for the month when Gary and I had a flat. Then he got promoted to sergeant and was shipped back to Vietnam.’ She smiled ruefully, ‘It seems as if I never met him sometimes.’

‘You met him right enough’, the doctor laughed, ‘at least once’. She smiled again and made for the door. ‘Better come and see me every month to begin with’, he advised as they walked along the corridor, ‘or sooner if you feel you need to. We’ll increase the visits towards the end’.

‘And my work?’ She paused near the door. ‘Keep at it’, he said airily, ‘unless you are a bricklayer or something like that. Just keep working until you begin to feel it’s too much, it will keep your mind off what’s happening in your tummy’.

She walked from the building with her heart and mind racing. Pregnant for God’s sake! Who would have thought such a thing? Of course she suspected something was up, the tiredness and morning sickness had filled her with dread, and her period was late, but it often was so she had not read too much into that. She went quickly to the car park and climbed into her father’s new Holden Kingswood. She loved the new smell of the car’s upholstery, and she enjoyed the tight responsiveness of the brand new vehicle as she guided it along the busy street.

Somehow she did not even feel really married, let alone pregnant. She had always been a shy sort of person, and totally unmoved by the various men she had met since leaving high school. Unlike her sister, Mary, Leanne had not had dozens of boyfriends, or numerous sexual encounters. Mary related to the world, and to men in particular, in a very physical way. Leanne thought of her rather innocent past as she managed the car through the traffic, wondering at the differences between her and her younger sister, feeling a sudden stab of regret as she contemplated what she might have missed. Her sister was currently on a one-year working holiday in Europe, and Leanne sometimes envied her for that as well. But the regrets quickly left her, she liked herself for what she was, and that seemed to her to be the most important thing.

Her parents had a holiday house on the Queensland Sunshine Coast, a place where her family had spent every holiday she could remember in her life. It was almost as if they were not really holidays at all in the end, just a change of address a few times a year. Her parents, however, were devoted to the place and they still went there for a few days whenever they could escape. That suited Mary, she could entertain her various boyfriends in the house then. Usually with very noisy sexual antics while Leanne lay alone in her own bed, or watched television, trying to ignore the action that took place around her. Leanne did not sit in judgment of her sister at all; she simply did not share her raw animal desires.

She preferred to relate to the world with her mind and emotions, and the young men she had met left her cold. She seemed to prefer older men, particularly her boss. Perhaps it took males longer to develop a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives, and it was only after they showed some maturity that they began to interest her. Unfortunately most of the men who interested her were already spoken for, or regarded her as a mere child, so she had remained an unattached but largely contented virgin.

That was until she met Gary Bishop. Mary had convinced her to attend one of the many parties she frequented at the Brisbane Army Base. ‘Come on, Leanne’, she had begged, ‘some of these army types are real dolls. They are all in great physical shape, and they know how to have a good time. You don’t have to sleep with anybody, for Christ’s sake, just come and let your hair down for a change. You’ll end up a bloody nun if you’re not careful’. She had relented in the end, just to please Mary.

The party had been pretty much as she expected. Lots of beer, loud music and shallow, meaningless conversation. She had noticed Gary Bishop sitting on the sidelines like herself, his face a mask of boredom as the party took place around him. He had felt some intent in her penetrating gaze and looked up. Their eyes had locked for perhaps a minute too long. A spark was ignited on both sides. He felt drawn to her, he moved over to introduce himself. They got on well from the beginning and before she knew it she was going steady with him. Somehow he had stirred feelings and desires in her that had been dormant so far in her life, and she liked the new emotions that romped through her when she was with him.

Gary was very good looking in a rugged, dark, brooding sort of way; not as shallow and selfish as most of the men his age. He was somehow very remote as well, a sort of island, and that aspect of his nature had a strange appeal to Leanne. It spoke of depth and complexity. Perhaps she saw a bit of herself in him and that was the real attraction between them. There was definite passion and romance in their relationship, but he never tried to go beyond kissing and fondling, his values seemed old-fashioned like her own. She was often disappointed when he stopped just as she felt she wanted him to go on forever, but the disappointment turned to gratitude after their fiery passion had cooled.

She could not deny the upbringing that told her sex was something to be reserved for marriage, and that fickle, empty encounters would only lead to heartache. But for the first time in her life, she realised that she wanted a physical relationship with this man, something she had never wanted with any other man before, and she took this to be love. Whatever it was, she felt compelled to pursue it.

Gary’s father had died while he was in Vietnam the first time; and he now seemed completely devoted to his mother and his younger brothers and sisters. She had only met his family once before they were married; when he had taken her on the two-hour drive inland to the country for a long weekend. His family now lived in a small town, but they were rough, country people and they seemed out of place now in this urban environment, even in such a small town.

The farm, where he had grown up, had had to be sold when his father died. Now his mother and the children, some of whom were still very young, struggled to adapt to town life. The family seemed dirt poor to Leanne, perhaps because she had never really suffered poverty herself. She didn’t really connect with any of them during the visit, and didn’t really associate Gary with them, despite his obvious love and affection for his family. It was the hidden, mysterious part of Gary that intrigued her, and the raw animal attraction she felt for him stirred her emotions until it came to resemble love, or what she mistook for love.

Of course her own father’s job as a bank manager had not made her family rich, but it provided an adequate lifestyle, even a luxurious one, compared to Gary’s. His mother seemed a bit resentful of Leanne, perhaps because her son was clearly the centre of the woman’s universe at the time, and she did not want to share him with anyone. Gary’s whole family obviously regarded him as an outstanding success; his new world of travel and adventure a far cry from their narrow existence and his own bush beginnings.

Gary’s mother delighted in telling stories of the family’s hardships on the land. She watched Leanne’s reaction from the corner of her eye as she told of children going to bed with empty stomachs, of droughts and fires that had threatened their very existence. The woman was warm and caring, but Leanne felt out of place and uncomfortable the whole weekend. Somehow the rough, overcrowded old house where they lived offended her sensibilities. She supposed they all thought her spoiled and city bred, but she could not help it.

Despite her discomfort and reservations about his family, and his sometimes remoteness, Leanne liked Gary’s sense of commitment to his family and his job, and they began to spend every available minute together. When he at last asked her to marry him she was overjoyed, despite the fact that they had only known each other for three months. She accepted without hesitation, convinced that the strong physical attraction they shared would continue to grow and form the basis of the emotional and intellectual connections she was struggling to build at the moment.

Leanne threw herself into the wedding preparations, but sometimes, deep down, she felt somehow unmoved by the whole process. It was probably just nerves, she told herself. The excitement would come in a rush as the day drew closer. But the adrenalin rush she expected never came, even when she had stood beside her father in the church waiting to walk up the aisle and join Gary at the altar. Perhaps all the mystery and hype about marriage was a myth, invented by people who were trying to somehow rationalise their own decisions.

But she did feel a little rush of excitement and pride at last when Gary smiled at her as she joined him in the church. He looked so handsome in his military uniform, and she castigated herself for the doubts that she had been entertaining. Suddenly the mixed feelings that had dogged her as she entered the church slipped away; she was not, after all, just in love with the thought of the physical love they would soon enjoy. She really did love him.

After the wedding and the reception, when Leanne Brown had somehow became Leanne Bishop; she sat nervously in the car as they drove to the Gold Coast for the first night of their honeymoon. As a soldier she was sure he would be experienced in the bedroom, though he had never attempted to coerce her during their brief courtship. She had no sexual experience at all but she hoped that her desire for him would enable her to cope, to respond. As the car slipped along the highway she felt a mixture of excitement, anticipation, and apprehension. When they finally checked into their room, he seemed relaxed. He was patient as she brushed her teeth and changed into a pink nightgown. She had smiled nervously at him as she came back into the bedroom, and he held her reassuringly, kissing her gently before going into the bathroom to brush his own teeth and prepare for bed.

She slipped out of the pink nightie and climbed between the crisp sheets, shivering a little as the cool fabric touched her body, or perhaps it was apprehension that made the goose bumps rise on her arms. Gary emerged from the bathroom, smiling at her again as she lay in the bed with the covers drawn up around her neck. He undressed slowly, deliberately, not showing any shyness as he hung each discarded item of clothing over the back of a chair. She could not help but admire his well- developed body, his muscles rippling as he removed his clothes.

When he pulled down his underpants she gave a little start when she saw the huge erection. She had never before seen a naked man in a state of arousal, but she was sure he was abnormally large. How could she ever expect to take such a thing inside her body? He crawled into the bed beside her and took her in his arms, the hardness of his erection very much in evidence against her thighs. She shivered and recoiled a little, but he began kissing her with the same gentle passion he had shown since they first met, making no attempt to go any further until she was ready.

After a few minutes she felt herself responding, the unfulfilled sessions of their courtship returned with an urgency as innate instincts were aroused in wet expectation. Now she wanted him to make love to her, the years of chaste existence and the more recent weeks of self- denial gave way to raw feelings of desire as she clutched him to her. He was gentle but she still cried out a little, biting her lip as pain and pleasure became one. Afterwards they lay quietly together as he stroked her hair and stared into her eyes. She smiled up at him from the white sheets, her green eyes wide with wonder.

He slept then, but she lay awake in the darkness staring out of the bedroom window at the dark sea. A boat moved along the horizon, its lights winking through the darkness. She felt a little scared, a little detached from the events of the day. She could still feel the sensation of having had him deep inside her as a dull throb of painful pleasure rose up through her body.

‘But I am happy’, she told herself. ‘It is my wedding night, I must be happy. I just wish he was not so much of a man, I want to contact with his mind and emotions, to reach inside him and know his deepest feelings. I want him to show some vulnerability to go with the gentleness, maybe even cry or something. Perhaps he needs more time to reveal his inner emotions, in time I will reach him.’ She drifted to the edge of sleep at last, willing herself to believe that the wonderful physical relationship she now had would grow to fill her heart and mind as well. The roar of the breakers on the beach reached into the room, soothing her into slumber.

The rest of the honeymoon went quickly. She became more confident with her body and the sex became more pleasurable. They did a lot of tourist things, taking in the sights and experiences of the Gold Coast. At night they dined in style in one of the many restaurants the place had to offer, and they drank plenty of good wine. Gary was not a big drinker, as one might expect a soldier to be, but a few wines seemed to fire his passion.

Leanne made love whenever he wanted to, but the lovemaking was still with her body, satisfying her long dormant animal needs but leaving her somehow unfulfilled, her deeper thoughts and emotions almost untouched. She told herself to be patient, remembering her mother’s advice that too many failed relationships had been struck on unrealistically high expectations — that it often took years to reach a level of true companionship. At least the physical aspect of the relationship was intense, and they made love everywhere, and anywhere, even in a hammock near the swimming pool while the other patrons slept upstairs. But after each session she always lay back feeling strangely alone as he drifted off with his private thoughts, thoughts of which she never really felt a part.

After the honeymoon they had rented a small flat near the Enoggera army base and quickly settled into the new routine of marriage. She liked the routine. The thought of being married and setting a course in life that would involve a family and stability appealed to her, and it fit neatly into the image she had of her life. After all, most of her friends were already married or engaged, or they had at least taken a philosophical stand on the issue. And her parents were delighted with the union. They were both very fond of Gary and had welcomed him to the family without reservation.

Then, after only four weeks of marriage, she was shattered when Gary came home one night and said he was being posted back to Vietnam. ‘But your two years National Service is over’, she had cried. ‘You have already done an extra six months to complete the last tour. Surely they won’t send you back over there after only four months at home.’ She was speechless when he told her he had signed on for another year on condition he could get a posting to Saigon. ‘But we have just gotten married’, she said incredulously. ‘How could you do such a thing? Don’t you care about our marriage at all? After just one month!’

‘It’s only for a year’, he said passionately. ‘Don’t you see? The army is the best long-term career prospect for me now. This posting takes me to sergeant, and then, when I get back, we can get a cushy posting to one of the training units. Maybe even here in Queensland so we can be near our families.’ He had held her in his arms then, his eyes pleading. ‘Please be happy for me, Leanne’, he whispered, selfishly she had thought at the time, mainly because he had not shared any deeper reasons for his actions with her. ‘A year will go very fast.’

‘And what if you don’t come back at all?’ she said sharply, squirming out of his embrace. ‘What then? Am I to be a wife and a widow in one sitting?’ She was becoming angry because this was a voluntary action he was taking. The enemy was not about to storm across the Australian coastline after all. His contribution was not critical the freedom of the land and she could not understand his motivation at all.

‘This posting is to Saigon, for Christ’s sake’, he said, growing impatient at her short-sightedness. He was not used to having to explain his actions to anyone. But even as the words passed his lips he knew he had no intentions of staying in Saigon. ‘The biggest risk I will face is from being run down by a bus, the war is miles away from Saigon.’ She had given up then, surprised to learn that she did not really care as much as she felt she should. Perhaps she was the selfish one, after all, he was trying to be practical and plan their future beyond the present. Perhaps she was expecting the deeper emotional connections to happen too fast, and perhaps a period of separation would push the physical aspect of their lives aside so that they could develop in other ways.

In the end his posting was changed and he finished up back at the Australian Task Force Headquarters at Nui Dat, right back near the centre of the action. Strangely, to her at least, he seemed very happy about that.

She moved back in with her parents the day she drove him to the airport to return to the war. Now they carried on their marriage by letter, physically disconnected, like pen pals. She wondered if he had not simply wanted to establish a new family before returning to the war, one to replace the father he had lost during his last tour of duty. Maybe he was just being a good soldier, simply setting up his firm base before going out on patrol. Somehow, perhaps unreasonably, she felt used, but resolved to make the best of the situation and try hard to make the marriage a success when he returned. She resolved to be supportive and use the year to build a stronger foundation for their lives beyond the tour.

Leanne mused over these incidents from her short married life with Gary as she guided the gold coloured Kingswood into the shopping centre carpark. The car radio played, ‘I’m leaving on a jet plane’, a song that had become the unofficial theme for the Vietnam War. Leanne turned the radio off, her lips drawn into a tight line with suppressed bitterness. She was meeting her mother for lunch, having lied that she had a day off from work as a reward for working overtime on a recent project.

She worked as the editorial assistant to the general manager of a small but successful publishing company, a job she had held since completing high school. She had worked on a number of manuscripts during her eight years with the company; but her most successful venture had been on an autobiographical book called, No Way Back. She had selected the work from the numerous piles of unsolicited manuscripts that came into the publishing house, she alone seeing some strange quality in the roughly written work. It took her a long time to convince her boss to let her work with the author to develop the book, but in the end he had agreed. The author was an old man, a World War II veteran and a bushie who spent much of his time on the booze or wandering in the outback. But Leanne saw beauty and feeling in the book and, after nearly a year of hard work, it had been ready for publication. The work became a bestseller, first in Australia, then overseas, the appetite of the reading public perhaps fuelled by the conflict in Vietnam. Now the film rights were being negotiated and she was confident of success in that area as well. She was very proud of the work and it had won her some modest acclaim within the industry. She was now well regarded by her employers, even to the extent that she had felt cheeky enough to apply for a newly created job as the editorial director, though she did not really expect to get the role.

But today she had to tell a white lie about the real reason for her day off. If her mother knew she had been to see a doctor the questions would be endless. ‘I won’t say anything about the baby to anyone for now’, she said aloud to herself. Her own voice sounded strange in the car, breaking the spell of her daydreaming. ‘Not to mum, not even to Gary, he has enough on his plate with the war.’ She left the car and walked briskly into the shopping centre, wondering what were her real reasons for the deceit.