Читать книгу Through the Zombie Glass - Gena Showalter - Страница 13

Chapter 6

Welcome to Your Nightmare

I...

Broke...

Down.

Somehow I found the strength to stand. My legs shook. With fury. Sorrow. Helplessness. Regret.

Pain.

I wanted to chase after Cole and tear into him the way he’d just done to me. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to scream at him.

I wanted him to hurt the way I was hurting.

I wanted to cry and beg him to come back to me.

I wanted his arms around me.

I wanted to hate him.

Maybe I did hate him. Today he’d proved he wasn’t the admirable boy I’d thought he was. How could he be? He’d cut me loose the same way he’d cut Mackenzie loose. As if I meant nothing. Only difference was, I’d had a little warning. I just hadn’t wanted to face the truth of it.

I wanted to avoid him forever.

I’d see him again. Of course I would. We would even talk to each other. We’d have to. In a way, he was my boss. He set the nightly rotation schedule. He headed up all training. But the easy camaraderie we’d shared was over. The bantering. The kissing. The touching.

Over.

He’d wanted to protect himself, and me, from further hurt, from fighting a losing battle, from whatever mystery he refused to discuss, from the devastation and shame of falling for other people while we were still together.

I’d been willing to risk it.

He’d decided I wasn’t worth the effort.

I looked around the room that wasn’t mine. It was only a loaner. The only things I owned were the clothes in the dresser and closet. I stumbled to the dresser without knowing why—until I felt my fingers curl around the edge and my arms push forward, sending the piece of furniture crashing into the floor.

I grabbed a drawer and tossed it, then another, and another. Socks and underwear went flying in every direction. Seeing them lying on the floor only made me madder. I was just like them. Tossed aside. In a place I didn’t belong.

Cole had just changed the entire course of my life, and I’d been helpless to stop him. Just like I’d been helpless to stop the car crash.

How many other changes would I be forced to endure?

Everything changed. The world. The seasons. Time. People. Nothing and no one ever stayed the same. Accepting another change should be easy. After all, even I would change. One day, I would forget about Cole and the feelings I had for him. I would move on.

And so would he.

He would date another girl.

My gaze drifted to the picture I kept on my nightstand. Kat had snapped it when I’d been too distracted to know anyone else was around. In it, Cole stood behind me, his arms wrapped around me. His chin rested on top of my head, and he appeared utterly content. I was smiling with the dreamy confidence of a girl rushing headlong into love.

Love.

I refused to love him.

I picked up the photo and launched it across the room, my new heart racing with dangerous speed, my lungs burning, no longer able to pull in enough oxygen—as if something inside me was stealing it. My stomach curled into a ball and hardened into iron—but the iron was hollowed out and desperate to be filled. I was hungry again, so danged hungry...but not for food. For... I wasn’t sure. But whatever it was, I needed it.

Now.

A high-pitched ringing scraped at my ears. Sweat broke out over my brow and my palms and trickled down my back. The room spun around and around, my equilibrium shot, and I flailed for balance...tilting anyway...and felt a sharp sting against my entire right side. I must have fallen to the floor.

Help me, I tried to call, but no words emerged. My heart sped up, faster and faster. My lungs constricted far more tightly, the burn intensifying. My hands and feet mutated into blocks of ice.

I...was dying? I had to be dying.

I crawled to the desk, reached blindly for my phone and knocked down the lamp. Glass shattered on the floor.

Had to text Co—no, Nana. Yes, Nana. She would come. She would take care of me—she loved me. But I couldn’t see the keypad. The room was still spinning.

Hinges squeaked. “Ali? Are you okay? What happened to your room?”

Male voice. I recognized it. Mr. Ankh?

Help, I tried to say, but again, no sound emerged.

Footsteps. Strong arms slid underneath me, lifted me. I floated for a few seconds before the mattress pressed into my back.

“Is it the toxin?” he asked, even as he stuck me in the neck with a needle. Yes, it had to be Mr. Ankh. Like the rest of us, he carried the antidote in his pocket, just in case.

A cool stream raced through my veins, and the hunger simmered.

“Breathe,” he said gently. “In. Out. Yes, just like that. Again. Again.” Hands smoothed over my brow, offering comfort I so desperately needed. “Again.”

At last, my heart...hearts...began to slow. My lungs began to fill. The sweat stopped pouring, and the chill kissed me goodbye.

I blinked open my eyes, and saw Mr. Ankh sitting at the side of my bed. Concern bathed his still-handsome features.

“That wasn’t just about the toxin, was it?” he asked, the concern giving way to sympathy.

I remained silent.

“Has that ever happened before?”

“Wh-what?” Almost dying?

“A panic attack?”

Panic attack? No. “That’s not what just happened.” I’d weathered the death of my family. A breakup wouldn’t ruin my mental stability. I wouldn’t let it.

“Ali, sweetheart, I’m a doctor. More than that, for several years I was married to a woman with an anxiety disorder. I know a panic attack when I see one.”

Anxiety disorder. No. Not that, either. “I’m fine,” I said, my voice ragged. “Just tired.”

His smile was sad. “Did something happen to trigger it?”

Something like losing the other part of me? “I told you I’m fine,” I replied stiffly, then regretted my tone. He was being nice, trying to help me. He didn’t deserve my rancor.

He sighed, pushed to his feet. “The more you know about the triggers, the better you’ll handle the episodes. If you ever want to talk about it...”

“I don’t. I won’t. I’m fine, really.”

“All right. Well, don’t worry about the room. I’ll send someone up to clean.”

“No! No,” I said more gently. “I’ll take care of it.”

A pause, then, “If that’s what you prefer.” Like Cole, he left the room.

Left me alone.

My new heart sped up all over again.

* * *

I righted the furniture and cleaned the room, even patched the hole in my wall. The one Cole had caused. It had reminded me of him, and I wasn’t fond of reminders right now. I threw our picture in the trash.

The next week passed in a daze. Every day I had to bury my emotions as deep as they would go and pretend everything was peachy, just to make it through school. Kat and Reeve treated me the same; they had no idea Cole and I had broken up. I hadn’t told anyone, and for some reason, neither had he. I think the girls were onto me, though, and I expected questions very, very soon.

I stayed away from Cole’s gym and worked out with Kat in Mr. Ankh’s. I still hadn’t been put on rotation, but I hadn’t pushed because the zombies hadn’t made another appearance.

I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping.

I couldn’t go on like this.

“Emma,” I said as I burrowed under my covers. “Emma.” I needed my baby sister.

I wasn’t sure how much time passed before she materialized in the center of my room.

“Oh, Ali.” She stretched beside me on the bed, ghosting her hand through my hair. Somehow she calmed me, the weird heartbeat evening out, the hunger pains that always seemed to hover at the edge of my conscious ebbing. “I hate seeing you like this.”

“I’m better now that you’re here.”

“I’m glad. And I’m glad you called me.” Her dark eyes were luminous as she said, “Would it help to know I’ve been watching Cole? He’s miserable, too.”

“Maybe,” I said with a sniffle. “Why have you been watching him?”

“I think he’s spying on the other slayers.”

Why would he do that? He trusted the people around him, everyone but me, that is, and—

Wait. “I don’t care anymore.” I changed the subject. “The night I was bitten, you didn’t put a rabbit cloud in the sky. Why?”

“I had been watching the zombie nests, and none of them had stirred. The ones that attacked you came out of nowhere.”

No, they’d had to come from somewhere. But where? And what did this mean...for the...future? Can’t concentrate. So tired.

“I’m losing you,” she said with a chuckle. “Rest now.”

I must have fallen asleep at long last; the next time I opened my eyes, she was gone.

Thursday, Nana tried to talk to me about my sudden withdrawal. She was worried I was sick. I assured her I was the picture of health.

Friday, Mackenzie and Trina insisted on driving me home from school, and I buckled in back of a beat-up Jeep. They knew my situation without being told.

“I recognize the glaze in your eyes,” Mackenzie said, twisting in the passenger seat. For once, there was no heat in her tone. No condescension or anger on her face. “I know we’ve never liked each other, but I do mean it when I say I’m sorry for what you’re going through. And maybe I should have warned you. This is what he does. This is what he’s always done.”

I peered out the window. The sun was bright today, making my eyes water. “What do you mean? What does he always do?”

“He cuts and runs when things get serious, and I don’t think he even realizes he’s doing it. He just looks for an excuse, and then boom, it’s over.”

I remembered the panic I thought I’d seen in his eyes. I’d convinced myself I’d imagined each instance, but what if they had been the start of the demise of our relationship? Not the visions.

“Yesterday I asked Veronica straight-up,” Trina said. “When he broke up with her, he told her he couldn’t do the long-distance thing anymore.”

I wondered what he would say about me, when he finally started talking.

“He’s a great guy,” Mackenzie said, “but he’s never been in a relationship for the long haul.”

“I think his friendships are the same way. Don’t get me wrong, I know he loves us slayers.” Trina maneuvered the car onto Reeve’s street. “I’m never in doubt of that. But I’m always aware of the fact that he keeps me at a bit of an emotional distance. He does it with everyone but Frosty and Bronx—they’re like brothers with other mothers or something. Frankly, I was shocked he let you get as close as you did, as fast as you did.”

I thought I understood. Cole had lost his mom to the zombies. He knew he would lose his dad the next time his dad was bitten, since the man had developed an immunity to the antidote. If he let someone else all the way in, like, say, a girlfriend, and then he lost her, too, he probably didn’t think he would survive.

The fury returned—the roots had never withered. How dare he? How dare he lead me on, making me want more, when he’d never planned to see this thing through? And then to throw me away because of what might happen at some later date... Because of fear...

“There’s the spirit we’re used to seeing,” Mackenzie said with a nod of approval.

No, this was something else. Something sharper. But I didn’t correct her. “Has he ever gone back for seconds?”

“Never. Not even when we get desperate and try to steal his attention by messing around with someone else,” she added bitterly.

There was a story there, but I wouldn’t pry.

“So...what excuse did he give you?” Mackenzie asked.

“Have you heard about my vision with Gavin?”

She nodded. “Gavin has been soliciting advice.”

“That’s why.”

Anger glazed her eyes. Anger on my behalf? “Someday some girl is going to come along, and he’s not going to be able to let her go. Maybe she’ll dump him, and he’ll learn what rejection feels like.”

Maybe. But that would mean he loved her. My nails dug into my thigh.

“I’m guessing your vision with Gavin is the reason Cole has stayed silent about the breakup,” Trina said. She parked in Reeve’s driveway. “He doesn’t want Gavin coming to you for information about your ability, something he would do if he knew you and Cole were over.”

“Which isn’t like him,” Mackenzie said, a little confused now. A lot intrigued. “Cole doesn’t usually care what a girl does or who she does it with once he’s done with her.”

Part of me wanted to thrill over this knowledge. Maybe he still cared about me. The other part of me scoffed. I wasn’t so pathetic...was I? “He and I are over, and that’s that. I’ll be fine,” I said tightly. “Thanks for the ride, girls. And the conversation. I appreciate it.”

Mackenzie grabbed my hand to stop me before I could emerge. “We’re here if you need us.”

* * *

I had the dream again.

My mother reached for me. Warmth spread through me.

She shook me, shouting, “Alice. Wake up!”

I didn’t. Not this time.

The zombies came for her, dragged her off and threw her on the cold, hard ground next to my dad. Then they fell on her, disappearing inside her, eating her spirit right out of her body. At first, she screamed and fought. Then she quieted and writhed. Then she stilled. Black boils appeared all over her skin, the zombie toxin poisoning her from the inside out.

I watched, helpless, sobbing.

And when I woke up, my cheeks were actually wet.

Had she died that way? Even the thought filled me with a terrible, dark rage. She had been such a gentle, loving woman. She’d never knowingly hurt anyone. For those creatures to torture her that way...

Can’t deal with the past. I crawled out of bed and into the shower, not leaving until my fingers and toes were like prunes. I towel-dried, swiped a shaky hand across the steam-covered mirror. My gaze caught on my reflection, and I stumbled backward, shocked. I was... There was... Impossible.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

The sound whispered through my mind, keeping time to the beat of my new heart. I stepped as close to the mirror as I could get, until the round edge of the sink prevented me from going any farther. There were dark smudges under my eyes and around my lips, and a black dot the size of my thumb streaked over my heart. Though I scrubbed with all my strength, leaving welts and nearly peeling off my skin, the splotches remained.

Could stress do this?

Maybe. Probably.

I turned away from the glass, and the sound of the tick-tocks died. My hands shook as I dressed in a T-shirt, jeans and butt-kicking boots and sheathed a dagger at each ankle.

I picked up my cell and texted Kat.

Me: How soon can U get here? Time 2 work out.

It was just after noon on Saturday. I was done avoiding Cole. I was going to his gym, and I was moving on with my life. Self-inflicted incarceration had done me no good. Obviously.

Mad Dog: Like, NOW. I’m here! Come 2 Reeve’s room.

Me: On my way.

Mad Dog: Walk faster. Reeve’s annoying me.

Reeve: SHE LIES! I annoy no 1.

I stalked down the hall and up the stairs. Reeve occupied the entire top floor. I cleared the landing and sailed inside the first sitting room, an area decorated with pink, pink and more pink, coupled with mounds of lace and rows of ruffles. Every time I came up here, I thought that maybe Valentine’s Day had thrown up and this had been the result.

The bedroom door was open. The girls sat at the edge of the four-poster king (draped in pink satin). Reeve had her hand on Kat’s forehead. Kat was shaking her head in denial of something, her cheeks pale, dark circles under her eyes.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

Hazel eyes found me, only to skitter away. “Not you, too. I missed out on my beauty z’s, that’s all.”

No. It was more than that. Lately, she’d had more bad days than good.

She returned her attention to me, looked me over and frowned. “But, uh, what’s wrong with you? I mean, I know you’ve been going through something you haven’t had the decency to share with us, but wow. You’re like death walking.”

“Kat!” Reeve said.

“What? It’s true.”

I attempted to scrub the discolorations from my skin. “I don’t know what happened, but I can’t get the smudges off.”

“Smudges? What smudges? You’re the same shade of snow-white as always—and that’s a compliment, by the way. You’re like a winter wonderland fairy, and I’d be eaten up with jealousy if—”

“You weren’t so in love with yourself,” Reeve interjected with a laugh.

“Exactly! You’ve seen me, right? God was on His A game when He made me, all, like, a dash of sexy here, a sprinkle of awesome there. It’s just...your eyes,” Kat said to me. “They’re more haunted than usual.”

The smudges had faded? That quickly? I stalked to the vanity mirror and leaned over, planting my palms on the surface scattered with makeup. My reflection stared back at me, the smudges just as dark as before. Disappointment hit me a split second before I realized something else was wrong. Something far worse.

I wasn’t smiling—but my reflection was.

Tick, tock.

I shook my head, blinked, but the image remained the same. Tick. Reeling, I reached up and patted my lips. Tock. The corners hadn’t somehow lifted without my knowledge. Tick.

No longer able to catch my breath, I straightened and turned away. What I’d just seen... The fault of my imagination, surely.

“I look normal to you?” I demanded.

“Sure. But you’ve lost a little weight your Nana’s chocolate chip cupcakes would fix—hint, hint, I want chocolate chip cupcakes,” Kat said at the same time Reeve said, “Totally.”

Confirmation. My imagination was at fault.

No big deal, I decided. Everything would calm down once I’d dealt with my stress load.

I licked my lips. First step: I had to stop pretending. “So...Cole and I broke up. We’re one hundred percent over. There’s no hope of us ever getting back together.”

“What?” Kat gasped, jolting to her feet. “What’d he do? And I know it’s all his fault, the jerk! I’ll kill him. I swear I will! Reeve, where are your Skittles?”

Reeve ignored her, her hand fluttering over her heart. “Oh, Ali. I’m so sorry.”

I jutted my chin, somehow able to maintain my calm. “Don’t be. That’s life.”

“But you guys were so happy. And he was spending the night with you,” Kat said, clearly reeling. “Bronx told Frosty he caught Cole sneaking out to come see you multiple times.”

I shook my head. “He might have snuck out and spent the night, but we never actually had sex.” Not even before my injury.

Mom had told me to wait for someone special. Someone who loved and appreciated me for more than my body, and wouldn’t run tattling to all his friends. Or hurt me. Or push for more than I was ready to give. Or abandon me if things got rough afterward. I’d thought Cole was that boy, but I must have sensed, deep down, he’d been holding a part of himself back.

Go me.

“He didn’t think we’d last,” I said, “and he didn’t like me enough to fight for me. It hurts, I’m so mad I could do serious damage to him, but I’m not going to break down.” Not again.

“Well, boys suck!” Kat flicked the length of her dark hair over one shoulder, truly angry on my behalf. “Ali, forget working out. Reeve, grab your keys and your dad’s credit card. We’re taking a girls’ day, and since he’s one of the enemy, he’s paying.”

“That seems fair. We just have to be back by six,” Reeve replied, standing. “I have a date—I mean, uh, I’m sorry, Ali.” Her dusky skin flushed, and her shoulders drooped with shame. “I shouldn’t have mentioned my date while you’re suffering and...I’m just so sorry.”

Oh, no, no, no. We weren’t going down the pity road. “Don’t you dare stop talking about your love life just because mine went up in flames.”

“Yeah. What she said. Even though I have a feeling mine will be going up in flames, too.” Kat toyed with the ends of her hair. “I don’t think Frosty will be willing to become a girl for me, and right now I’m totally giving up on dudes.”

Reeve shook her head in exasperation.

Me? I suddenly saw Kat through new eyes. She only ever talked about axing Frosty when she looked pale and withdrawn. In other words, when her kidneys were acting up. Fear was driving her, I realized, just like it had driven Cole. She probably felt vulnerable, desperate to protect herself.

Poor Kat. One day, Frosty might get tired of the hot-and-cold treatment and leave her.

Kat pointed a finger at Reeve. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten you’ve been sidestepping my questions about your mystery guy.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you about him. Maybe I won’t.” Dark amber eyes gleamed with challenge. “You guys aren’t the only ones who can keep secrets.”

Kat backed down; what else could she do? “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m probably the most open and honest girl in the world,” she muttered. “Just ask Ali.”

Both girls peered over at me, expectant.

Kat wanted confirmation. Reeve wanted me to spill our secrets.

“Didn’t someone mention a girls’ day?” I asked.

* * *

We had our hair cut and styled, had facials and bought makeup, perfume, clothes and shoes. Or rather, they bought those things. I was still saving my money and refused to spend Mr. Ankh’s. That didn’t deter the girls. Every time my back was turned, they purchased something else for me and stuffed it in my bag.

Through it all, I avoided mirrors. I couldn’t bring myself to look at my reflection, even though the girls raved about my appearance.

Sadly, I almost hyperventilated when Kat said, “A new you, for a new direction in life.”

Fine. I did hyperventilate, and it freaked out both girls. It was just, terror had wrapped cold, clammy hands around my neck and squeezed, shutting off my airways. The second heartbeat had become more noticeable, and the intense hunger had returned.

Reeve splashed water in my face, but that wasn’t what jolted me out of terror’s grip. As close as she was, I could smell her—such a sweet, mouthwatering perfume—and I wanted to bite her. So bad. The desire threw me into another tailspin. I plopped into a chair, holding on to the arms for dear life...her life...again struggling to breathe.

Kat called Frosty, thinking I needed medical help only the slayers could provide.

Frosty, Bronx, Lucas and Cole—please, anyone but Cole—arrived at the store fifteen minutes later, and all heads turned in their direction. Eyes widened. Women muttered excitedly. Grown men backed away.

“What’s he doing here?” Kat hissed.

The ringing in my ears was finally fading, allowing me to make out her words.

“Sheathe the claws, Kitten,” Frosty said. “We weren’t sure what we were dealing with. And what did you do to your hair?”

“Duh. I fixed it.”

“But I liked it the way it was.”

“Say one more word, I dare you, and I’ll shave it all off. Your ex-girlfriend will be bald.”

“You aren’t my ex,” he said flatly.

I’d never heard him use that tone with her. And yet, their familiar chatter helped soothe me, and the urge to bite Reeve at last diminished. What the heck was wrong with me?

Then Cole was crouching in front of my chair, and the rest of the world was forgotten. Embarrassment burned my cheeks. Wet strands of hair stuck to my forehead and cheeks. My T-shirt had a water ring around the collar.

I met his gaze, not expecting a vision this time and not getting one. I was careful to keep my features blank. Seconds...minutes...maybe hours passed...but he didn’t do what I needed him to do and leave.

Please leave.

Then something happened. The same something that happened every time we were together.

The air around us came to life, thickening with awareness. My skin prickled in the most delicious way.

I didn’t like it—because I liked it so much.

He must have felt it, too, because he looked away.

Thankful for the reprieve, I scrutinized his body language. His fingers were next to mine, twitching on the arms of the chair, as if he wanted to reach for me but was fighting the impulse.

Did he want to reach for me?

My gaze lifted of its own accord.

He was staring at me again. Only he was staring far more intently, that violet gaze drilling into me, trying to burrow past skin and into soul to search for answers I didn’t have.

“I didn’t need the dark knight to race to my rescue,” I sniped. “I’m fine.”

“Ali,” he said on a sigh. “You’re not fine. Kat said you couldn’t breathe.”

“As you can see, I’m over it.” I was proud of my seeming calm. “You can leave now.”

Concern darkened his features, poking at my anger.

He had no right to feel concern for me.

“Why couldn’t you breathe, Ali?”

“Does it really matter?”

At last he reached up, intending to cup my cheeks the way he used to. Just before contact he caught himself. His hands returned to the arms of the chair, caging me in, making me shiver—and hate myself. “Let Ankh run a few tests.”

“No.” I had been wrong to think I could face Cole today. It was too soon. Especially if he was going to be nice.

Why was he being nice?

“We’re done here.” I pushed him out of the way and stood on shaky legs. Frosty was scrubbing his knuckles into Kat’s scalp while she laughed and batted at his arm. Bronx and Reeve were in the midst of a glaring contest.

“We have more to do,” I said to the girls. Then I marched away without another word, my coat and bags hanging at my sides.

Both Kat and Reeve followed me, ditching the boys without hesitation.

“So...did you know that sleeping with twelve different guys is the same thing as sleeping with, like, four thousand?” Kat asked, breaking the silence, the tension.

I could have hugged her. She hadn’t mentioned our guys, and wasn’t going to. She was trying to distract me.

“No way,” Reeve said.

We cleared the doors of the mall, entered the coolness of the day. I pulled on the coat.

Kat nodded. “I crunched the numbers myself. I’m eighty-three percent sure that I’m one hundred percent sure that my math is perfect. See, if you sleep with a guy, you’ve then been with everyone he’s been with and everyone his other partners have been with and everyone their partners have been with. It goes on and on.” She held up one finger. “Frosty is my only, but he’s been with others and I’m sure they’ve been with others, so, I’m guessing I’ve been with at least fifty people—is there a scarlet letter on my forehead?”

“I wonder how many girls Bronx has gotten into bed,” Reeve muttered.

“Bronx? Did you say Bronx? Because I could have sworn you told me you’re over him and seeing someone else,” Kat quipped.

Reeve pursed her lips.

I took a breath—held it. Exhaled, slowly. Mist formed in front of my face. My first real post-breakup encounter with Cole was now history. I’d survived with the tiniest shred of dignity, and that was more than I’d expected. I was going to be okay.

A twentysomething guy stepped into our path, blocking us. We drew to a halt as he said, “Hey, pretty girl,” with a wide, toothy grin aimed at Kat. “How about some company, hmm?”

Another guy pressed into his side. He eyed Reeve up and down as if she were a stick of cotton candy and he was dying from a sweet tooth.

“No, thanks,” she said, and tried to inch around him.

He moved with her, continuing to block her. “Wait. You don’t want to go until we’ve exchanged numbers, do you?”

The other guy leaned down to sniff Kat’s neck. “My own personal brand of crack, right there.”

“Quoting romance novels?” Scowling, she leaned back, out of reach. “Lesson of the day—you don’t smell a girl until she gives you permission. Ever. It makes you a creeper.”

He pouted.

I doubted the two were dangerous. I actually thought they were going for sexy and charming rather than disturbing. And maybe I could have tried to reach a verbal resolution with them. Maybe not.

Despite being “okay,” anger still pulled at an already thin tether.

Nope. Wrong. The tether snapped.

I jabbed my palm into his nose, and cartilage shattered. Blood spurted. Cursing, his friend grabbed hold of my arm. To stop me from running—unnecessary—or to stop me from another attack, I wasn’t sure. I only knew he’d made a mistake. I clamped onto his wrist and twisted with all of my strength, forcing his body to turn with the motion to save the bone from breaking.

Before he could lurch free, I kicked the back of his knee, sending him to the ground. An elbow to the temple finished him off, and he collapsed the rest of the way. He sprawled on the concrete, motionless.

Satisfaction filled me, followed swiftly by guilt.

“Come on,” I said. I tugged the lapels of my coat closer as I walked away.

“That was both cool and frightening,” Kat said with a shudder, keeping pace with me. “I don’t know whether to pat you on the back or run and hide.”

“Where did you learn how to do that?” Reeve asked, her gaze darting back to the boys.

“Col— Around.” My gaze landed on the tattoo shop across the street. Bright red letters—TATTIE’S INK—flashed on and off.

I stopped.

The girls backtracked.

“I want one,” I found myself saying.

“One what?” Kat asked.

“A tattoo.” The slayers marked themselves with the names of the loved ones they’d lost in the war against the zombies, or symbols to represent them. I had none, yet I’d lost my parents, my sister and my grandfather.

Bad Ali.

“I want one,” I said again, more confident this time. I headed across the street.

The girls followed after me.

“What are you going to get?” Kat asked, clapping happily. “A skull and crossbones? Snake fangs dripping with blood? A unicorn?”

“This is a mistake,” Reeve said.

A bell jingled over the door as I entered. The walls were covered with art, pictures of lions and tigers, dragons and aliens. Hearts. Stars. The sun, the moon, fish and lightning. Naked women. It was overwhelming.

A heavily tattooed man with piercings all over his face stood behind the counter, cleaning equipment. He glanced up, grunted with disdain. “You guys even close to eighteen?”

“No,” Reeve and I said in unison.

“Yes,” Kat said, and elbowed me.

He dried his hands on a rag. “You’ll need a permission slip from your parents, and you’ll need at least one parent present.”

Kat offered her sweetest grin and wound her arm around my waist. “We knew that. That’s why I’m here. I’m her mother, and I’ll sign whatever form you’ve got.”

A gleam of amusement in his eyes. “She must take after her father.”

“All of my children do,” Kat quipped.

His gaze landed on me. “Let me guess. You want a flower. Or a butterfly.”

Not quite. “I want a white rabbit,” I said.

He thought it over, shrugged and slid a pad and pen in Kat’s direction. “Fill this out all properlike for your daughter, since I’m guessing your IDs will tell me you have different last names, and you,” he said to me, “come on back. I think I have something you’ll dig.”

“Ali,” Reeve said, latching onto my wrist. “A tattoo is permanent.”

Yeah, and mine would be the only permanent thing in my life. Nana wouldn’t live forever. And, as I’d been told time and time again by Mr. Ankh, the moment Reeve learned about the zombies she would be ripped out of my life. Not even the vivacious Kat was guaranteed a tomorrow.

“I have to do this.” I pulled from her grip to trail Artist Guy behind a crimson curtain. There were several rooms, each blocked by one of those curtains. He led me to the one in back, swept the fabric aside and motioned to a lounge chair. I sat.

He flipped through an art book. When he found what he was searching for, he showed me the page. “What do you think?”

“I like the ears of this one,” I said, pointing. “But the body of this one, and the tail of that one.” Perfect for Emma. “Also, I’ll want a second tattoo. Two daggers in the shape of a cross.” I could think of no better representation of my parents. I wasn’t sure what I’d get to represent Pops, though. His would have to wait.

Artist Guy frowned and set the book aside. “I’ll have to draw both from scratch, and that’s gonna cost extra.”

“I’m fine with that.” For the first time today, I wasn’t going to worry about spending the allowance Nana had given me. I removed my coat, pushed up the sleeves of my shirt.

He peered at my pale, unmarked flesh and shook his head. “All right, then, where do you want them? Exactly?”

“One on each wrist. And I want them to face me, not the people looking at me.” I wanted to be able to see the designs without having to contort.

What would Nana say when she saw them?

“I’ve got to sketch what you want, so give me about...oh, half an hour.” He left without another word.

An opportunity to leave. Not going to happen.

I closed my eyes and counted.

By the time he returned, I’d reached 1,532. I wondered what Kat and Reeve were doing in the lobby.

He gathered the necessary supplies and sat beside me.

“Still want to do this?” he asked. “Because once I start, there will be no backing out.”

“Absolutely.”

He used a piece of paper to transfer the first image onto my wrist. I saw big ears standing tall, a fat body and a bushy tail, just like the rabbits Emma had created in the sky time and time again to warn me of coming zombie attacks.

“Perfect,” I said, a bit surprised.

“I only do perfect work.” He sounded offended.

“Prove it.”

My snark clearly surprised him, and he shook his head. “You know this will hurt, right?”

“I’ve known hurt. This will be nothing.”

He snorted. “Sure, princess. Whatever you say.”

Leaning over me, gun in hand, he got to work. And okay, it hurt more than I’d anticipated, stinging and throbbing, but a part of me welcomed the pain. I liked that I was feeling something other than anger and panic.

Panic. The word got stuck in my mind, echoing.

I’d panicked earlier.

I’d panicked big-time.

Mr. Ankh had been right, hadn’t he? The episodes were panic attacks, triggered by...what? Emotion? Maybe. I was living with the guilt of knowing Emma’s life would be forever unfulfilled. The ache of forging a new one for myself as the old one burned behind me. The uncertainty of navigating a spiritual world I’d been unprepared for. The fear of the unknown.

But emotions couldn’t be the full story. Otherwise I’d never have moments of calm. I thought back. Lying in my bed, after Cole had walked out on me, I’d lamented about the new direction of my life. Then, boom, the panic had come. Then, later on, Kat had mentioned the newness of my appearance and boom, panic again.

New things.

Change, I realized. The thought of change had to be the trigger.

And okay. All right. Now that I knew, I could deal. But...

That wasn’t the full story, either. It couldn’t be. Panic failed to explain the double heartbeats...the hunger...and the fact that I’d wanted to bite Reeve. And what if I’d been wrong about the smudges? What if they weren’t part of my imagination, but this...whatever this was?

That would mean...what?

I didn’t know, but one thing was certain. More changes loomed on the horizon.

Just like that, perspiration beaded on my brow and upper lip, and an invisible elephant sat down on my chest. The pressure... I struggled to breath, barely even able to wheeze.

“Hey, are you okay?” the guy asked me.

“Fine,” I managed to huff. “Just hurry.”

“You don’t rush quality. And I told you it would hurt.”

My sister was my calming force, so I drew her image to the front of my mind, concentrating on her. I saw a mass of straight, dark hair. Sun-kissed skin. A mischievous gleam in her dark eyes.

“You’re the prettiest girl in the whole world, Alice,” she said, beaming up at me.

“No, brat, that would be you,” I replied, gently tapping the tip of her nose.

“No way. A boy at my school told me he heard his dad say only blondes are worth doing.”

“First, I never want to hear you say the words worth doing again. Do you even know what that means? Second, that boy’s dad is an idiot. And a pig!”

So hungry... Must eat...

The whispery voice intruded on the memory, and I frowned at Artist Guy. “Did you say something?”

He didn’t glance up, even as he moved to my other wrist. “Nope.”

Hungry. Hungry! HUNGRY!

I shook my head, as if my mind had somehow locked on a different radio frequency and a little motion would change the channel back. But it didn’t, and I found I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the vulnerability of Artist Guy’s now-glowing neck.

“Be still,” he commanded.

“I’m sorry. I just... Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“That voice. That whisper.”

He paused long enough to dab at a bead of blood with a cotton ball. “Great. The pretty princess is one of the crazies. I should have known.”

Bite him. Feed on him.

“Emma,” I said.

“You want me to add a name?” he asked.

“No.”

My sister appeared a few seconds later. “You’re getting tattoos?” she squealed. Then she saw my face, and the excitement was replaced by concern. “Alice?”

“Something’s wrong with me,” I told her.

“I know.” Artist Guy sighed. “That’s what I just said.”

“Cole?” she asked.

I snapped my teeth, then glanced at Artist Guy, trying to show her what the problem was.

“You want to bite him?”

I nodded.

Frowning, she traced her fingers through my hair, and the urge to bite instantly vanished, thrilling me...baffling me. “I’ll ask around and return when I’ve learned something.”

She disappeared. And maybe I passed out from relief. I don’t know. One moment I was relaxed in my seat; the next Artist Guy was saying, “All right. All done. What do you think?”

I opened my eyes to see he was setting the equipment aside. I waited for the voice or urge to return, but...there was only silence. No hunger. I uttered a quiet prayer of thanks.

He crossed his arms and watched my expression. “Well?”

The ink was perfect, as promised, and exactly what I’d wanted. The white rabbit was on one side, and the daggers on the other. The skin around the ink was red and swollen, though, and throbbed insistently.

“They’re wonderful.”

Grunting with satisfaction, he smothered each with ointment, then covered them with bandages. “Remove the dressing in about an hour and add more ointment. Keep the ink clean, but don’t take long showers or baths for at least two weeks.”

“Okay.”

He ushered me to the front of the building, where Kat and Reeve waited.

Grinning when she spotted me, Kat jumped up and clapped. “Let me see, let me see!”

Reeve stood more slowly, as if she wanted to avoid looking at the tattoos as long as possible.

“Give me a minute to pay,” I said.

The moment we were outside, I peeled back the bandages.

“Very cool! Cole will regret the day he let you get away,” Kat said. As we climbed into Reeve’s Porsche, she added, “I’m making it my life’s mission. Well, that, and torturing Frosty.”

I claimed the center of the backseat and buckled up. “Where are we going now?”

“To Reeve’s. Then you and I are going to Cole’s—uh, house, yes, to his house to work out,” Kat said. “You’re going to train me, as promised. No more treadmilling. And yes, I just turned a noun into a verb.”

“Train you?” Reeve eased the car into traffic. “For what? I mean, I know you guys have been working out a lot, but I’d had no idea there was a purpose to it.”

“Self-defense,” I replied. “Like what I did today.”

Kat nodded. “Only maybe not so hard-core.”

“I promised I’d teach you,” I said, flickers of dread lighting me up, “and I will. Just...not today.” I wanted to go home and wait for Emma.

“Well, I’d like to learn, too,” Reeve said.

“Uh...hmm.” I peered out the window, watching as cars whizzed past. Trees. Power lines. “I’d love to include you, but you’ll have to get permission from your dad first.”

Her brow furrowed. “He’ll say yes.”

Not even if she begged him.

“I mean, why would he say no? Especially after what happened today,” she added.

My gaze snagged on a cloud in the sky—a cloud cut in the shape of a rabbit. The zombies would invade tonight. I frowned. Was I ready?

Better question: Would I be invited to help?

“Uh, guys. I think someone’s following us,” Reeve said, her voice trembling with apprehension. “What if it’s the guys from the mall? What should I do?”

I turned in my seat, peering out the back window. “Call—” I stopped myself before I said his name. “Which car?”

“A black SUV, dark-tinted windows.”

It was two slots back, on the left. As big as it was, six people could be inside. The odds weren’t great, but they weren’t terrible, either. “Take the next exit ramp and pull over.”

“What!” she and Kat demanded in unison.

“Just do it. Please.” I was armed. I was also in a terrible mood.

If Anima hoped to scare me, they’d soon learn the error of such a fruitless endeavor. If the guys from the shopping center craved revenge, I’d give them something else to cry about. If this was just one big misunderstanding, I’d make sure it never happened again.

Reeve obeyed, reluctantly, and the moment the car came to a stop, I palmed my daggers and jumped out of the car. The SUV had tracked us off the highway and slowed down as it approached us. A window rolled down.

“Miss Bell,” said a man I’d never before met. He was old enough to be my grandfather, with a full head of salt-and-pepper hair, thick glasses, an aquiline nose and dark brown skin. “I’d like a word with you.”

He knew my name, and he’d come at me in the most secretive of ways. He had to be a Hazmat.

I didn’t need to know any more than that. I threw one of my daggers, just as Cole had taught me, and the tip embedded in one of the SUV’s tires. Air hissed out.

The man scowled at me. “Was that really necessary?”

“Probably not.” I held up my other dagger. “I doubt what I do next will be, either, but I’m sure it’ll be fun.”

He flashed me a look full of disappointment. “Very well. When you’re curious about your condition, you’ll have to come to me.” He tossed a card out the window, and as the paper floated to the ground, the SUV sped away.