Читать книгу Lust - Geoff Ryman, Geoff Ryman - Страница 18

Back at work, Ebru asked Michael, ‘Where do you go in the afternoons?’

Her smile was rueful, teasing, an evident mise-en-scène. Because her eyes were saying: you’re supposed to be running this place.

‘Lunch,’ replied Michael. ‘Why, was there a problem?’

She was leaning as if relaxed across her desk. She sprawled. It was a difficult posture to read, because it seemed friendly but was also disrespectful.

Her voice drawled; she sounded sleepy. ‘The University called. You were supposed to be teaching a course today.’

Oh shit, oh no, of course, it’s Thursday.

Ebru looked bored. ‘What could I do? I told them you would call when you got back.’

‘Oh, Jees, was it Professor Dennis? Oh darn. OK. I’ll give her a call.’

‘Could you leave me with your number please where you will be when you go out?’

‘Yeah sure. I’ll get a mobile, so you can call me.’

Michael jerked forward, wanting to escape. Ebru had more to say. ‘The grant application forms have been on your desk for a week. I just wanted to make sure you knew they were there.’ Michael had to apply for funds for the next stage of research; they were to teach the chicks tasks such as pushing buttons for food. The aim was to keep the facility going, so the University could rent it out for other projects. The aim was that Michael would eventually make himself some kind of Director.

‘Right, yes. I’ve been meaning to get to that.’

‘Emilio was saying that he has not been told the file names for the control group slides. This means he has fallen behind on his data entry and filing.’

‘Sorry,’ said Michael. ‘A lot on my plate.’

Ebru dismissed it, as if sleepy. ‘I wasn’t chasing you.’

Oh yes you were.

Alone in his windowless office, Michael told himself: you have been neglecting your job.

It had been just over three weeks since the episodes began. There had been five afternoons at the Chez Nous, four with Johnny and one with himself. They had moved from late winter into spring. How did he think people would not notice?

There was a Fridge full of frozen, unfiled slides. How could he ask people to work for him? People who were on short-term contracts, which meant they could not get a mortgage. How could he ask them to work punctiliously, perfectly, as science demanded?

And, oh shit, he was also supposed to be writing a phase paper on the difference between Windows NT and Unix for his MSc in Computer Science. It was due next Monday. He’d done nothing about it.

Michael hung his head, and then lowered it into his hands from shame.

God, he found himself asking, why have you done this to me?

God, in the form of the painted brick wall, could not answer, or rather, decided not to, or rather, couldn’t be bothered.

Well, the wall seemed to say, on its own behalf if not God’s, I’m just a wall and not very interesting, but I am the life you have chosen. You put yourself in this office with these slides and files and papers and coursework and you’d better get on with it.

Michael needed to talk to someone. He had no one to talk to, most especially not his staff, his lover, or their friends. All his friends were Phil’s friends.

‘Help,’ he said in a small voice that was not meant to be heard.

‘Hiya,’ said a voice that poised somewhere in mid-Atlantic. Something white moved in the corner of his eye.

His Angel was sitting on the corner of the desk, wearing his white lab coat. His smile was mild and his eyes faded; he looked detached.

Michael saw himself. I have good feelings for people, but I don’t connect. So they don’t always know that.

‘Hiya,’ Michael said. ‘I’ve been neglecting things.’

‘You have a miracle to deal with. Ah. I think you’ll find that most people who have one of those find it’s a full-time job. I mean, Phil Dick just saw pink lights, and look how long that took to sort out.’

Michael’s face shook itself with unexpected tears, like a dog getting out of water. He certainly didn’t feel that unhappy. The reaction didn’t seem to link to any emotion until he spoke, vehemently.

‘I didn’t want an extra full-time job. I didn’t ask for this. What is it for, what I am supposed to do with it, and why, why me?’

The Angel looked back, big and kindly and powerless. ‘I know less than you do.’

Michael apologized, his default mode. ‘I’m sorry, this isn’t easy for you either.’

‘I don’t matter. I’m not real.’ The Angel managed to say that with a smile. ‘Why don’t you let me help?’

It took a while for the anger to be stilled. The Angel kept talking.

‘I know what you know. I can do just as good a job as you can. We’ve got a backlog. Why don’t you stay here and do the accounts or whatever? I’ll go to the Fridge and do the slides.’

What a wonderful idea. Michael chuckled. ‘It’ll be like the Shoemaker and the Elves.’

‘Let’s wait until tonight,’ said the Angel. ‘That way no one will see you in two places at the same time. We don’t want to give anyone a heart attack.’

‘Can we talk afterwards?’ Michael asked. He felt the same yearning he would for a lover.

‘Sure, baby.’

That was what Michael always used to say to Phil. When they were young and in love.

So he filled in the form for the second stage of their research grant, and wrote the first draft of the accompanying business case. Michael’s career plan was simple. He would keep using the lab for further research projects until his own reputation was established and then let out the secure facility for other projects. At 5.00 PM he was able to bustle into Ebru’s office, fluttering papers.

‘Well, here we go. This is the business case for the grant. First draft. Can you read it for me, make any comments. Oh. I also know nothing about the admin costs, so could you run off a 104 on the office expenses.’

Ebru was still watchful, languid. ‘It’s five o’clock. Do you need it this instant?’

‘Not right now, of course. Close of play tomorrow for the comments. I’ll need the 104 sometime tomorrow morning.’

‘I can do that for you,’ she said airily, gathering up her bag. No, she seemed to say, I am not working late to make up for your lost time. She smiled a hazy, hooded smile at him, and gave him a dinky little wave with the tips of her fingers. ‘Good night. See you tomorrow.’ Faultlessly polite. The draft was left on her desk.

He was left standing alone in the room. I have really pissed her off.

It was 5.03 and there was absolutely no one there. They had all gone home. Who would work late if the boss wasn’t there?

The whole universe has burst its bonds in order to put you in this position. Impossible things are happening, and they are screwing up your life, and nothing in your intellectual or emotional history has prepared you for them.

And you have allowed yourself to become alone.

His only friend was literally himself.

Michael went into the cold room. There was his other self, big and happy, a cheerful anorak singing old Wham! songs. ‘Bad boys …’ The Angel was merry in his work. He turned around smiling, the smile coming from being usefully employed and suffering no doubts. When Michael smiled his eyes went tiny and narrow, almost closed, and that in turn made him look a bit like a Chinese Santa Claus.

‘Just started,’ said the Angel, cheerfully. His breath came out as vapour; frost settled on his eyebrows. ‘Things really aren’t that bad. Emilio’s been good, he’s using a temporary naming convention, which we might as well accept. And everything’s been labelled, in boxes. It just needs to be put away properly.’

The Angel pulled open a drawer. There were the first of his slides, label side up and out, in neat rows. ‘There’s only about an hour’s work.’

Things really weren’t that bad. Relief was like a pillow. Michael settled into it. The work would be done, he would apologize to Emilio, and amends would be made. It would be all right.

‘I’ll be back then.’ Michael kept the need out of his voice.

Back in his office, there were 37 e-mails needing answers. They were mostly from the University, agendas or minutes attached, or new curriculum proposals. He went through picking the most important first. His professor had written three days ago, asking if the project was progressing well.

Michael defaulted to apologies. Sorry, I’ve been in the grip of applying for grants. Wouldn’t it be great if someone just said, fine, here’s all the money you need in one go? We could put it in the bank and use the interest for the project as well. But the project is going fine, great. A lot of data to work through.

There was an invitation to speak at a conference, with a carefully worded guarantee of security. ‘We realize your work is controversial. We will make sure that only nominated delegates can attend, so all questioning will be on the methodology and preliminary results.’ This was exactly the kind of fallout Michael had wanted from the research: increased profile, keynote addresses, publications, and acknowledgement, if only from a very few people worldwide. Michael accepted the invitation, feeling suddenly that all was right with the world.

How delicious, he thought. I can pay my bills and iron shirts at the same time. I can stay late for one hour and do two hours’ work. Everything will be perfect. My desk will finally be cleared; the flat will finally be clean. At last, I’ll finally get everything done! He felt merry.

There were all kinds of admin he could feel virtuous about. There was his own personnel file that had been left blank. Let’s get that out of the way. He had to fill in the name of the nearest relative to call in case of accident.

Once again, it would be his mother, miles away and untelephoned in Sheffield.

Was there anyone else for whom he was number one? It wasn’t Phil.

Who loves ya baby?

‘All done,’ he heard himself say. Michael looked up at the big, reliable broken face. He felt himself smile with gratitude. ‘So am I,’ he said. ‘Thanks.’

‘You’d do the same for me,’ said the Angel, and grinned. It was a Michael kind of joke.

He wouldn’t be able to get a copy of himself past the security guard without telling some pointless story. Hi, this is my identical twin. ‘I’m going to have to let you go,’ Michael said quietly. His voice, he realized, was full of love.

‘I understand.’

The whisper in the air, like a blown kiss. Papers on the desk rattled, lifted up, and sighed back into place, and Michael was left feeling a little lonelier. He packed up his bag, turned out the light, and decided in the corridor just to look at all the beautiful slides.

The cold room had a big white door and a big chrome handle. It was like a 1950s refrigerator you could walk into. Its surface trembled slightly from the chundering of the generator. It shook like Michael. You are in a bit of a state, mate. The door clunked open, the cold room breathing out refreshingly chill air. The temperature only sank into your bones and numbed your fingers once you were inside.

He switched on the light and pulled open a drawer, to admire the neat rows, to be grateful.

Instead there was a crumpled, much reused box, its red ink finger-smeared, cluttered with a cross-hatch of piled slides. A whole week’s work, neglected and growing.

It was as if someone had reached into him, and grabbed his heart and held it still.

He pulled open another drawer. It too simply stored an unsorted box.

All that beautiful work was gone.

But he had seen it! He’d seen it all being done, it was all just here!

In a panic he pulled open one icy drawer after another. The tips of his fingers stuck to the metal each time. One drawer was spread with unsorted slides. The next was empty. He pulled open another drawer. And ah! this one was full of ranked and ordered slides. There was a moment’s relief, until he checked the dates. It was the first batch of slides from the learning group. Emilio had finished sorting that last week.

It was all undone, as if the Angel had never been. Michael clasped his own forehead in his hands. You may have seen it Michael, and you may be going nuts.

He called his Angel back. ‘Where are your slides?’ Michael whispered.

‘What? What do you mean?’

‘Well have a look!’

The copy pulled open the drawer. His face fell. His chin dropped and looked temporarily double. He turned his whole body as if his back was stiff, his chin still resting on his chest.

‘Yes. Well,’ the copy whispered. ‘I’m not real, am I?’ He did not manage to smile. He closed the drawer slowly, delicately with the tip of his finger. He stared at the drawer. ‘I can’t change anything.’

He looked back at Michael, and tried to smile. ‘I can’t write anything. When I go, so will all the marks on the page. I could do all your annual accounts and in the morning, you’d be back where you started. I can’t father a child. I can’t make a difference to anything.’

The two Michaels stared at each other.

‘It really is a very peculiar sensation,’ said the copy and chuckled. ‘I am completely and totally impotent.’ The grin glazed. ‘Can you send me back now, please?’

Afterwards, Michael went to the security room. The guard, Shafiq, sat there in slate-blue uniform, watching EastEnders.

‘Shafiq, do you think we could look at the CCTV tapes, please?’

Shafiq was eating a Pot Noodle. His mouth stopped circulating for an instant and he froze in place. Then he swallowed and stood up.

‘Why, Michael, is something wrong, has there been an intrusion?’

‘No, no, no, Shafiq, nothing’s wrong. I just want to check on something.’

Shafiq was upset. ‘I have been here all the time, Michael. Watching, really.’ The television was still talking, and his eyes listed guiltily towards it. ‘I watch the television, you know, but I always keep one eye on the CCTV, too.’

‘I know, Shafiq, you do an excellent job. I just want to check.’

In a more normal state, Michael would have been stricken with concern: Shafiq was a good man, a good father, who was proud of his work. Shafiq seemed to drop to his knees in prayer and began to open up the banks of secure tapes.

‘What rooms do you think suffered? When?’

‘About two hours ago. Let’s try my office.’

‘Your office.’ Michael could hear the bottom drop out of Shafiq’s stomach. ‘With all your records, and papers!’

He really does care, thought Michael. Why does he care? What have I given him that he should give a tinker’s?

Shafiq inserted the cassette and nervously punched rewind.

‘But Ebru and everyone were here two hours ago. Michael, they would have heard something too.’

It wasn’t fair to scare Shafiq like this. But looking at the security tapes would confirm something.

‘There it is, sir.’

Michael’s office. And there was Michael, turned around in his chair and plainly talking to empty air.

‘Thank you, Shafiq, you can turn it off now.’

‘Don’t you want to wait until you leave the office?’ Shafiq was beginning to look baffled. ‘How would there be an intruder, if you were there all along?’

‘It’s not an intruder, OK? Please Shafiq, don’t be too concerned. Do you think you can show me the cold store interior at 5.03?’

Shafiq was going from baffled to slightly annoyed. ‘What are we looking for, Michael? Perhaps I could suggest something else. The CCTV looks at all the doors and even the ventilation shafts.’

‘I’m sorry to trouble you, Shafiq, but please show me.’

The cold room looked grey and indistinct and empty. It was hard to see; for a moment Michael thought he saw something move, as if through fog. He peered, but was finally sure beyond doubt. There was no one there.

The security video jumped between frames taken one second apart. Suddenly, the door was half-open. Suddenly it was wide open. Suddenly Michael himself stepped in in stages, lurching like Frankenstein’s monster. He stayed alone and chatting to no one.

‘OK, Shafiq. False alarm.’

Shafiq stood up straight and adjusted his blue shirt. ‘But if there has been anything moved, surely it would be better to study tapes when you weren’t there.’

Michael closed his eyes, to avoid Shafiq’s face, and his voice was unnaturally quiet and precise. ‘I was mistaken, Shafiq. I don’t want to worry you further. Thank you for helping.’

He walked out of the room, his back held straight.

In the corridor he thought, I’m alone. I’m really alone.

Maybe I am just crazy.

But even if I’m not, they aren’t real. My Angel said that. They are the universe breaking its own rules. If unreal people walked free to change the world, it would be a catastrophe. And so they come and work and love and when they leave, they leave no evidence or trace behind.

They can’t sort slides; they can’t be video taped.

The only evidence, the only scars, will be in my memory. I am the only thing they can change. Otherwise, poor Angels, when they go it is as if they never existed.

Michael felt sad for them. Because I know that when they are here, they love and feel and want. When they’re here, they’re alive.

Michael sat at his desk and looked at the brick wall again, and heard his own voice rage, demanding, ‘Why is the design of this experiment such crap!’

What is a sample of one going to tell you, God? Why bend all the rules of the universe just to do this terrible thing to me? Is it a joke, God? Does it amuse you to see people knocked sideways, their whole life go rotten like an apple? Do you like to see us hauled beyond our limits? Do you like to see us cry?

And why do this to an impotent man? What is it going to teach me, what are you going to learn from this except what we both know? I’m lousy in bed. What’s the big deal about that, I live with it, I’ve learned to live with it.

Michael went back to the cold room. In a rage, sweating in the chill, he tore through the work. The glass edges of the slides cut his fingers.

It took an hour. When he was done he had a sudden moment of irrational fear that his own work would also disappear. He closed the drawer and opened it again, to check. The work remained.

So maybe I do just make them up, maybe I make up that other people see and hear them. Maybe I am just nuts.

Michael arrived back at the flat late, exhausted, chilled and sweaty. He must have looked a state. Phil glanced up at him from what looked like a plate of tomato sauce on cardboard. ‘You didn’t tell me when you would be home,’ Phil said. ‘So I went ahead with dinner.’

So when did Phil ever call to say when he’d be home? Michael sat down exhausted, shambolic. Today was a bad hair day: his scalp itched and he knew his hair tumbled down in dank, greasy curls. His five o’clock shadow had arrived on time, but now, at 8.30 PM, it was even thicker and coated with cold sweat. Phil wouldn’t look at him.

‘That’s OK, I guess,’ said Michael. ‘You probably don’t realize that I’ve been coming home on time lately. You’re never in. It was my effort to be here in case you wanted to go to a movie or anything.’

Phil’s eyes were shuttered like windows. In the silence, Michael had the opportunity to examine Phil’s newly vegetarian food. There was no table fat on his bread.

Phil asked in a light voice, ‘Where exactly is your work?’

It was a question that produced an automatic prickling sensation of suspicion, even fear. Hold on, thought Michael. This is Phil. Then he thought, hold on, this is Phil.

He stalled. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Oh. It’s just that you’ve never told me, that’s all. It can’t be that long a trip. Waterloo, isn’t it?’

‘Waterloo? No! No, no, the Elephant and Castle.’

Phil shrugged elaborately and his eyes didn’t move from the plate. ‘I thought it was Waterloo.’ His tiny mouth had to stretch to take a bite out of a chunk of bread that was the colour of brown shoes. ‘In an old warehouse or something.’

Michael began to trace the criss-cross patterns of green on the waterproof tablecloth. I’ve never said in an old warehouse or anything else. Certainly not in the arches underneath an elevated railway.

‘Yeah, an old warehouse. Near the Old Kent Road.’

Phil nodded now, very carefully, very slowly.

Michael pressed together his thick veined hands.

My boyfriend is pumping me for my work address so he can give it to animal rights demonstrators. My boyfriend of thirteen years wants to betray me. Henry has such a nice smile, doesn’t he?

‘So how is the gorgeous Henry?’ The emphasis on the ‘is’ somehow made it plain that Michael had been reminded of Henry by the previous topic, that there was a connection between them.

‘He’s fine, thank you,’ said Phil, coolly.

He doesn’t even care that I’ve guessed.

Michael struck back. It was a bit like playing tennis. ‘You know many couples in our situation would be busy reassuring each other that they practised safe sex with their lovers. They’d talk about whether they should be using condoms with each other. But …’

Michael considered letting his voice trail delicately away, but you play tennis to win. ‘But we don’t have to, do we Phil? We don’t make love.’

It was only then, finally, that Michael realized he needed a new life.