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If there was one thing worse than Jawaheer’s murder it was his funeral, when his wives and slave-girls were roasted alive along with his corpse, according to custom. Like much beastliness in the world, suttee is inspired by religion, which means there’s no sense or reason to it – I’ve yet to meet an Indian who could tell me why it’s done, even, except that it’s a hallowed ritual, like posting a sentry to mind the Duke of Wellington’s horse fifty years after the old fellow had kicked the bucket. That, at least, was honest incompetence; if you want my opinion of widow-burning, the main reason for it is that it provides the sort of show the mob revels in, especially if the victims are young and personable, as they were in Jawaheer’s case. I wouldn’t have missed it myself, for it’s a fascinating horror – and I noticed, in my years in India, that the breast-beating Christians who denounced it were always first at the ringside.

No, my objection to it is on practical, not moral grounds; it’s a shameful waste of good womanhood, and all the worse because the stupid bitches are all for it. They’ve been brought up to believe it’s meet and right to be broiled along with the head of the house, you see – why, Alick Gardner told me of one funeral in Lahore where some poor little lass of nine was excused burning as being too young, and the silly chit threw herself off a high building. They burned her corpse anyway. That’s what comes of religion and keeping women in ignorance. The most educated (and devout) Indian female I ever knew, Rani Lakshmibai, thought suttee beneath contempt; when I asked her why, as a widow, she hadn’t hopped on the old man’s pyre herself, she looked at me in disbelief and asked: “Do you think I’m a fool?”

She wasn’t, but her Punjabi sisters knew no better.

Jawaheer’s body was brought, in several pieces, to the city on the day after his death, and the procession to the ground of cremation took place under a red evening sky, before an enormous throng, with little Dalip and Jeendan and most of the nobility prostrating themselves before the suttees – two wives, stately handsome girls, and three Kashmiri slaves, the prettiest wenches ever you saw, all in their best finery with jewelled studs in their ears and noses and gold embroidery on their silk trousers. I ain’t a soft man, but it would have broken your heart to see those five little beauties, who were made for fun and love and laughter, walking to the pyre like guardsmen, heads up and not a blink of fear, serenely scattering money to the crowd, according to custom – and you wouldn’t credit it, those unutterable bastards of Sikh soldiers who were meant to be guarding ’em, absolutely tore the money from their hands, and yelled taunts and insults at them when they tried to protest. Even when they got to the pyre, those swine were tearing their jewels and ornaments from them, and when the fire was lit one villain reached through the smoke and tore the gold fringe from one of the slaves’ trousers – and these, according to their religion, were meant to be sacred women.

There were groans from the crowd, but no one dared do anything against the all-powerful military – and then an astounding thing happened. One of the wives stood up among the flames, and began to curse them. I can see her still, a tall lovely girl all in white and gold, blood on her face where her nose-stud had been ripped away, one hand gripping her head-veil beneath her chin, the other raised as she damned ’em root and branch, foretelling that the race of Sikhs would be overthrown within the year, their women widowed, and their land conquered and laid waste – and suttees, you know, are supposed to have the gift of prophecy. One of the spoilers jumped on the pyre and swung his musket butt at her, and she fell back into the fire where the four others were sitting calmly as the flames rose and crackled about them. None of them made a sound.²⁵

I saw all this from the wall, the black smoke billowing up to mingle with the low clouds under the crimson dusk, and came away in such a boiling rage as I never felt on behalf of anyone except myself. Aye, thinks I, let there be a war (but keep me out of it) so that we can stamp these foul woman-butchers flat, and put an end to their abominations. I guess I’m like Alick Gardner: I can’t abide wanton cruelty to good-looking women. Not by other folk, anyway.

That brave lass’s malediction filled the crowd with superstitious awe, but it had an even more important effect – it put the fear of God into the Khalsa, and that shaped their fate at a critical time. For after Jawaheer’s death they were in a great state of uncertainty and division, with the hotheads clamouring for an immediate war against us, and the more loyal element, who’d been dismayed by Jeendan’s harangue at Maian Mir, insisting that nothing could be done until they’d made their peace with her, the regent of their lawful king. The trouble was, making peace meant surrendering those who’d plotted the murder of Jawaheer, and they were a powerful clique. So the debate raged among them, and meanwhile Jeendan played her hand to admiration, refusing even to acknowledge the Khalsa’s existence, going daily to weep at Jawaheer’s tomb, heavily veiled and bowed with grief, and winning the admiration of all for her piety; the rumour ran that she’d even sworn off drink and fornication – a portent that reduced the Khalsa to a state of stricken wonder by all accounts.

In the end they gave in, and in response to their appeals for audience she summoned them not to durbar but to the yard under the Summum Boorj, receiving them in cold silence while she sat veiled and swathed in her mourning weeds, and Dinanath announced her terms. These sounded impressively severe – total submission to her will, and instant delivery of the murderers – but were in fact part of an elaborate farce stage-managed by Mangla. She and Lal Singh and a few other courtiers had been taken prisoner by the Khalsa at the time of the murder, but released soon after, since when they’d been politicking furiously with Dinanath and the panches, arranging a compromise.

It amounted to this: the Khalsa grovelled to Jeendan, gave up a few token prisoners, and promised to deliver Pirthee Singh and the other leading plotters (who had already decamped to the hills, by previous arrangement) as soon as they were caught. In the meantime, would she please forgive her loyal Khalsa, since they were showing willing, and consider making war on the damned British in the near future? For their part, they swore undying loyalty to her as Queen Regent and Mother of All Sikhs. To this she replied through Dinanath that while it was hardly good enough, she was graciously pleased to accept their submission, and hand back the token prisoners as a liberal gesture. (Sensation and loyal cheers.) They must now give her a little time to complete her mourning and recover from the grievous shock of her brother’s death; thereafter she would receive them in full durbar to discuss such questions as making war and appointing a new Wazir.

It was the kind of face-saving settlement that’s arranged daily at Westminster and in parish councils, and no one’s fooled except the public – and not all of them, either.

You may ask, where was Flashy during all these stirring events? To which the answer is that, having mastered an impulse to steal a horse and ride like hell for the Sutlej, I was well in the background, doing what I’d ostensibly come to Lahore for – namely, negotiate about the Soochet legacy. This entailed sitting in a pleasant, airy chamber for several hours a day, listening to interminable submissions from venerable government officials who cited precedents from Punjabi and British law, the Bible, the Koran, The Times, and the Bombay Gazette. They were the most tireless old bores you ever struck, red herring worshippers to a man, asking nothing from me beyond an occasional nod and an instruction to my babu to make a note of that point. That kept ’em happy, and was good for another hour’s prose – none of which advanced the cause one iota, but since the Punjabi taxpayers were stumping up their salaries, and I was content to sit under the punkah sipping brandy and soda, all was for the best in the best of all possible civil services. We could have been there yet – my God, they probably are.

I was busy enough in my spare time, though, chiefly writing cypher reports for Broadfoot and committing them to Second Thessalonians, from which they vanished with mysterious speed. I still couldn’t figure who the postman (or postmistress) was, but it was a most efficient service to Simla and back; within a week of my writing off about Jassa a note turned up in my Bible saying, among other things: “Number 2 A2”, which meant that, notwithstanding his colourful past, my orderly was trustworthy to the second degree, which meant only a step below Broadfoot and his Assistants, including myself. I didn’t tell Jassa this, but contrived a quick word with Gardner to give him the glad tidings. He grunted: “Broadfoot must be sicker than I thought,” and passed on, the surly brute.

For the rest, Broadfoot’s communication amounted to little more than “Carry on, Flash”. The official news from British India, through the vakil, was that Calcutta deplored the untimely death of Wazir Jawaheer and trusted that his successor would have better luck – that was the sense of it, along with a pious hope that the Punjab would now settle down to a period of tranquillity under Maharaja Dalip, the only ruler whom the British power was prepared to recognise. The message was clear: murder each other as often as you please, but any attempt to depose Dalip and we shall be among you, horse, foot and guns.

So there it was, status quo, the question of the hour being, would Jeendan, for her own and Dalip’s safety, give way before the Khalsa’s demand for war, and turn ’em loose over the Sutlej? I couldn’t for the life of me see why she should, in spite of her half-promise to them; she seemed to be able to deal with them as her brother had failed to do, dividing and ruling and keeping them guessing; if she could hold the rein on them while she tightened her grip on the government of the country, I couldn’t see how war would be in her interest.

Time would tell; a more pressing matter began to vex me as the first week lengthened into the second. Lal Singh had assured me that Jeendan was anxious to know me better, politically and personally, but devil a sign of it had there been for almost a fortnight, and I was champing at the bit. As the horrors of those first two days receded, the pleasures became more vivid, and I was plagued by fond memories of that painted little trollop writhing against me in the durbar room, and strutting wantonly before her troops at Maian Mir. Quite fetching, those recollections were, and bred a passion which I knew from experience could be satisfied by the lady herself and no other. I’m a faithful soul, you see, in my fashion, and when a new bundle takes my fancy more than ordinary, as about a score have done over the years, I become quite devoted for a spell. Oh, I’d done the polite by Mangla (and repeated the treatment when she called clandestine three nights later) but that was journeyman work which did nothing to quench my romantic lust to put Jeendan over the jumps again, and the sooner the better.

I can’t account for these occasional infatuations, but then neither can the poets – uncommon randy, those versifiers. In my own case, though, I have to own that I’ve been particularly susceptible to crowned heads – empresses and queens and grand duchesses and so forth, of whom I’ve encountered more than a few. I dare say the trappings and luxury had something to do with it, and the knowledge that the treasury would pick up any bills that were going, but that ain’t the whole story, I’m sure. If I were a German philosopher, I’d no doubt reflect on Superman’s subjection of the Ultimate Embodiment of the Female, but since I ain’t I can only conclude that I’m a galloping snob. At all events, there’s a special satisfaction to rattling royalty, I can tell you, and when they have Jeendan’s training and inclinations it only adds to the fun.

Like most busy royal women, she had the habit of mixing sport with politics, and contrived our next encounter so that it dealt with both, on the day of her emergence from mourning for her eagerly-awaited durbar with the Khalsa panches. I’d tiffened in my quarters, and was preparing for an afternoon’s drowse with the Soochet-wallahs when Mangla arrived unannounced; at first I supposed she’d looked in for another quarter-staff bout, but she explained that I was summoned to royal audience, and must follow quietly and ask no questions. Nothing loth, I let her conduct me, and had quite a let-down when she ushered me into a nursery where little Dalip, attended by a couple of nurses, was wreaking carnage with his toy soldiers. He jumped up, beaming, at the sight of me, and then stopped short to compose himself before advancing, bowing solemnly, and holding out his hand.

“I have to thank you, Flashman bahadur” says he, “for your care of me … that … that afternoon …” Suddenly he began to weep, head lowered, and then stamped and dashed his tears away angrily. “I have to thank you for your care of me …” he began, gulping, and looked at Mangla.

“… and for the great service …,” she prompted him.

“… and for the great service you rendered to me and my country!” He choked it out pretty well, head up and lip trembling. “We are forever in your debt. Salaam, bahadur.”

I shook his hand and said I was happy to be of service, and he nodded gravely, glanced sidelong at the women, and murmured: “I was so frightened.”

“Well, you didn’t look it, maharaj’,” says I – which was the honest truth. “I was frightened, too.”

“Not you?” cries he, shocked. “You are a soldier!”

“The soldier who is never frightened is only half a soldier,” says I. “And d’ye know who told me that? The greatest soldier in the world. His name’s Wellington; you’ll hear about him some day.”

He shook his head in wonder at this, and deciding butter wouldn’t hurt I asked if I might be shown his toys. He squeaked with delight, but Mangla said it must be another time, as I had important affairs to attend to. He kicked over his castle and pouted, but as I was salaaming my way out he did the strangest thing, running to me and hugging me round the neck before trotting back to his nurses with a little wave of farewell. Mangla gave me an odd look as she closed the door behind us, and asked if I had children of my own; I said I hadn’t.

“I think you have now,” says she.

I’d supposed that was the end of the audience, but now she conducted me through that labyrinth of palace passages until I was quite lost, and from her haste and the stealthy way she paused at corners for a look-see, I thought, aha, we’re bound for some secret nook where she means to have her wicked will of me. Watching her neat little bottom bobbing along in front of me, I didn’t mind a bit – tho’ I’d rather it had been Jeendan – and when she ushered me into a pretty boudoir, all hung in rose silk and containing a large divan, I lost no time in seizing her opportunities; she clung for a moment, and then slipped away, cautioning me to wait. She drew the curtain from a small alcove, pressed a spring, and a panel slid noiselessly back to reveal a narrow stairway leading down. Sounds of distant voices came from somewhere below. Having had experience of their architecture, I hesitated, but she drew me towards it with a finger to her lips.

“We must make no sound,” she breathed. “The Maharani is holding durbar.”

“Capital,” says I, kneading her stern with both hands. “Let’s have a durbar ourselves, shall we?”

“Not now!” whispers she, trying to wriggle free. “Ah, no! It is by her command … you are to watch and listen … no, please! … they must not hear us … follow me close … and make no noise …” Well, she was at a splendid disadvantage, so I held her fast and played with her for a moment or two, until she began to tremble and bite her lip, moaning softly for me to leave off or we’d be overheard, and when I had her nicely on the boil and fit to dislocate herself – why, I let her go, reminding her that we must be quiet as mice. I’ll learn ’em to lure me into boudoirs on false pretences. She gulped her breath back, gave me a look that would have splintered glass, and led the way cautiously down.

It was a dim, steep spiral, thickly carpeted against sound, and as we descended the murmur of voices grew ever louder; it sounded like a meeting before the chairman brings ’em to order. At the stair foot was a small landing, and in the wall ahead an aperture like a horizontal arrow-slit, very narrow on our side but widening to the far side of the wall so that it gave a full view of the room beyond.

We were looking down on the durbar room, at a point directly above the purdah curtain which enclosed one end of it. To the right, in the body of the room before the empty throne and dais, was a great, jostling throng of men, hundreds strong – the panches of the Khalsa, much as I’d seen them that first day at Maian Mir, soldiers of every rank and regiment, from officers in brocaded coats and aigretted turbans to barefoot jawans; even in our eyrie we could feel the heat and impatience of the close-packed throng as they pushed and craned and muttered to each other. Half a dozen of their spokesmen stood to the fore: Maka Khan, the imposing old general who’d harangued them at Maian Mir; the burly Imam Shah, who’d described Peshora’s death; my rissaldar-major of the heroic whiskers, and a couple of tall young Sikhs whom I didn’t recognise. Maka Khan was holding forth in a loud, irritated way; I suppose you feel a bit of an ass, addressing two hundred square feet of embroidery.

To our left, hidden from their view by the great curtain, and paying no heed at all to Maka Khan’s oratory, the Queen Regent and Mother of All Sikhs was making up for her recent enforced abstinence from drink and frivolity. For two weeks she’d been appearing in public sober, grief-stricken, and swathed in mourning apparel; now she was enjoying a leisurely toilet, lounging goblet in hand against a table loaded with cosmetics and fripperies, while her maids fluttered silently about her, putting the finishing touches to an appearance plainly calculated to enthrall her audience when she emerged. Watching her drain her cup and have it refilled, I wondered if she’d be sober enough; if she wasn’t, the Khalsa would miss a rare treat.

From mourning she had gone to the other extreme, and was decked out in a dancing-girl’s costume which, in any civilised society, would have led to her arrest for breach of the peace. Not that it was unduly scanty: her red silk trousers, fringed with silver lace, covered her from hip to ankle, and her gold weskit was modestly opaque, but since both garments had evidently been designed for a well-grown dwarf I could only wonder how she’d been squeezed into them without bursting the seams. For the rest she wore a head veil secured by a silver circlet above her brows, and a profusion of rings and wrist-bangles; the lovely, sullen face was touched with rouge and kohl, and one of her maids was painting her lips with vermilion while another held a mirror and two more were gilding her finger and toe nails.

They were all intent as artists at a canvas, Jeendan pouting critically at the mirror and directing the maid to touch up the corner of her mouth; then they all stood back to admire the result before making another titivation – and beyond the purdah her army coughed and shuffled and waited and Maka Khan ploughed on.

“Three divisions have declared for Goolab Singh as Wazir,” cries he. “Court’s, Avitabile’s, and the Povinda. They wish the durbar to summon him from Kashmir with all speed.”

Jeendan continued to study her mouth in the mirror, opening and closing her lips; satisfied, she drank again, and without looking aside gestured to her chief maid, who called out: “What say the other divisions of the Khalsa?”

Maka Khan hesitated. “They are undecided …”

“Not about Goolab Singh!” shouts the rissaldar-major. “We’ll have no rebel as Wazir, and the devil with Court’s and the Povinda!” There was a roar of agreement, and Maka Khan tried to make himself heard. Jeendan took another pull at her goblet before whispering to the chief maid, who called: “There is no majority, then, for Goolab Singh?”

A great bellow of “No!” and “Raja Goolab!” with the leaders trying to quiet them; one of the young Sikh spokesmen shouted that his division would accept whoever the Maharani chose, which was greeted with cheering and a few groans, to the amusement of Jeendan and the delight of the maids, who were now holding up three long pier-glasses so that she might survey herself from all sides. She turned and posed, emptied her cup, pulled her trouser waist lower on her stomach, winked at her chief maid, then raised a finger as Maka Khan shouted hoarsely:

“We can do nothing until the kunwari speaks her mind! Will she have Goolab Singh or no?”

There was a hush at that, and Jeendan whispered to the chief maid, who stifled a fit of the giggles and called back: “The Maharani is only a woman, and can’t make up her mind. How is she to choose, when the great Khalsa cannot?”

That sent them into noisy confusion, and the maids into stitches. One of them was bringing something from the table on a little velvet cushion, and to my astonishment I saw it was the great Koh-i-Noor stone which I’d last seen streaked with blood in Dalip’s hand. Jeendan took it, smiling a question at her maids, and the wicked sluts all nodded eagerly and clustered round as the Khalsa fumed and bickered beyond the curtain and one of the young Sikhs shouted:

“We have asked her to choose! Some say she favours Lal Singh!” A chorus of groans. “Let her come out to us and speak her mind!”

“It is not seemly that her majesty should come out!” cries the chief maid. “She is not prepared!” This while her majesty, with the diamond now in place, was flexing her stomach to make it twinkle, and her maids hugged themselves, giggling, and egged her on. “It is shameful to ask her to break her purdah in durbar. Where is your respect for her, to whom you swore obedience?”

At this there was a greater uproar than ever, some crying that her wish was their command and she should stay where she was, others that they’d seen her before and no harm done. The older men scowled and shook their heads, but the youngsters fairly bayed for her to come out, one bold spirit even demanding that she dance for them as she had done in the past; someone started up a song about a Kashmiri girl who fluttered her trouser fringes and shook the world thereby, and then from the back of the room they began to chant “Jeendan! Jeendan!” The conservatives swore in protest at this indecent levity, and a big lean Akali with eyes like coals and hair hanging to his waist burst out of the front rank yelling that they were a pack of whore-mongers and loose-livers who had been seduced by her wiles, and that the Children of God the Immortal (meaning his own set of fanatics) would stand no more of it.

“Aye, let her come out!” bawls he. “Let her come humbly, as befits a woman, and let her forswear her scandalous life that is a byword in the land, and appoint a Wazir of our approving – such a one as will lead us to glory against the foreigners, Afghan and English alike …”

The rest was lost in pandemonium, some howling him down, others taking up his cry for war, Maka Khan and the spokesmen helpless before the storm of noise. The Akali, frothing at the mouth, leaped on to the front of the dais, raving at them that they were fools if they gave obedience to a woman, and a loose woman at that; let her take a suitable husband and leave men’s affairs to men, as was fitting and decent – and behind the purdah Jeendan nodded to her chief maid, draped a silver scarf over one arm, took a last look at her reflection, and walked quickly and fairly steadily round the end of the curtain.

Speaking professionally, I’d say she wasn’t more than half-soused, but drunk or sober, she knew her business. She didn’t sidle or saunter or play any courtesan tricks, but walked a few paces and stopped, looking at the Akali. There had been a startled gasp from the mob at her appearance – well, dammit, she might as well have been stark naked, painted scarlet from the hips down and gilded across her top hamper. There was dead silence – and then the Akali stepped down from the dais like an automaton, and without another glance she continued to the throne, seated herself without haste, arranged her scarf just so on the arm-rest to cushion her elbow, leaned back comfortably with a finger to her cheek, and surveyed the gathering with a cool little smile.

“Here are many questions to be considered at once.” Her voice was slightly slurred, but carried clearly enough. “Which will you take first, general?” She spoke past the Akali, who was glaring from side to side in uncertainty, and Maka Khan, looking as though he wished she’d stayed out of sight, drew himself up and bowed.

“It is said, kunwari, that you would make Lal Singh Wazir. Some hold that he is no fit man –”

“But others have bound themselves to accept my choice,” she reminded him. “Very well, it is Lal Singh.”

This brought the Akali to life again, an arm flung out in denunciation. “Your bed-man!” he bawled. “Your paramour! Your male whore!”

There was a yell of rage at this, and some started forward to fall on him, but she checked them with a raised finger and answered the Akali directly, in the same calm voice.

“You would prefer a Wazir who has not been my bed-man? Then you can’t have Goolab Singh, for one. But if you wish to nominate yourself, Akali, I’ll vouch for you.”

There was a moment’s stunned hush, followed by scandalised gasps – and then a huge bellow of laughter echoing through the great room. Insults and obscene jests were showered on the Akali, who stood mouthing and shaking his fists, the rowdies at the back began to stamp and cheer, Maka Khan and the seniors stood like men poleaxed, and then as the tumult grew the old soldier roused himself and thrust past the Akali to the foot of the dais. In spite of the din, every word reached us through that cunningly-designed spy-hole.

“Kunwari, this is not seemly! It is to shame … to shame the durbar! I beg you to withdraw … it can wait till another day …”

“You didn’t bid that thing withdraw, when he brayed his spite against me,” says she, indicating the Akali, and as it was seen that she was speaking, the noise died on the instant. “What are you afraid of – the truth that everyone knows? Why, Maka Khan, what an old hypocrite you are!” She was laughing at him. “Your soldiers are not children. Are you?” She raised her voice, and of course the mob roared “No!” with a vengeance, applauding her.

“So let him have his say.” She flirted a hand at the Akali. “Then I shall have mine.”

Maka Khan was staring in dismay, but with the others shouting at him to give way, he could only fall back, and she turned her painted smile on the Akali. “You rebuke me for my lovers – my male whores, you call them. Very well …” She looked beyond him, and the thick heavy voice was raised again. “Let every man who has never visited a brothel step forward!”

I was lost in admiration. The most beardless innocent there wasn’t going to confess his unworldliness to his mates – and certainly not with that mocking Jezebel watching. Even Tom Brown would have hesitated before stepping forth for the honour of the old School-house. The Akali, who hadn’t the advantage of Arnold’s Christian instruction, was simply too dumbfounded to stir. She timed it well, though, looking him up and down in affected wonder before he’d collected his wits, and drawling:

“There he stands, rooted as the Hindoo Kush! Well, at least he is honest, this wayward Child of God the Immortal. But not, I think, in a position to rebuke my frailty.”

That was the moment when she put them in her pocket. If the laughter had been loud before, now it was thunderous – even Maka Khan’s lips twitched, and the rissaldar-major fairly stamped with delight and joined in the chorus of abuse at the Akali. All he could do was rage at her, calling her shameless and wanton, and drawing attention to her appearance, which he likened to that of a harlot plying for hire – he was a braver man than I’d have been, with those fine eyes regarding him impassively out of that cruel mask of a face. I remembered the story of the Brahmin whose nose had been sliced off because he’d rebuked her conduct; looking at her, I didn’t doubt it.

The Akalis are a privileged sect, to be sure, and no doubt he counted on that. “Get you gone!” he bawled. “You are not decent! It offends the eye to look at you!”

“Then turn your eyes away … while you still have them,” says she, and as he fell back a pace, silenced, she rose, keeping a firm grip of the throne to steady herself, and stood straight, posing to let them have a good view. “In my private place, I dress as you see me, to please myself. I would not have come out, but you called me. If the sight of me displeases you, say so, and I shall retire.”

That had them roaring for her to stay, absolutely, which was just as well, for without the throne to cling to I believe she’d have measured her length on the floor. She swayed dangerously, but managed to resume her seat with dignity, and as some of the younger men startled to hustle the Akali away, she stopped them.

“A moment. You spoke of a suitable husband for me … have you one in mind?”

The Akali was game. He flung off the hands pulling at him and growled: “Since you cannot do without a man, choose one – only let him be a sirdar,^a or a wise man, or a Child of God the Immortal!”

“An Akali?” She stared in affected astonishment, then clapped her hands. “You are making me a proposal! Oh, but I am confused … it is not fitting, in open durbar, to a poor widow woman!” She turned her head bashfully aside, and of course the mob crowed with delight. “Ah, but no, Akali … I cannot deliver my innocence to one who admits openly that he frequents brothels and chases the barber’s little girls. Why, I should never know where you were! But I thank you for your gallantry.” She gave him a little ironic bow, and her smile would have chilled Medusa. “So, you may keep your sheep’s eyes … this time.”

He was glad to escape into the jeering crowd, and having entertained them by playing the flirt, the fool, and the tyrant in short order, she waited till they were attentive again, and gave them her Speech from the Throne, taking care not to stutter.

“Some of you call for Goolab Singh as Wazir. Well, I’ll not have him, and I’ll tell you why. Oh, I could laugh him out of your esteem by saying that if he is as good a statesman as he was a lover, you’d be better with Balloo the Clown.” The young ones cheered and guffawed, while the older men scowled and looked aside. “But it would not be true. Goolab is a good soldier, strong, brave, and cunning – too cunning, for he corresponds with the British. I can show you letters if you wish, but it is well known. Is that the man you want – a traitor who’ll sell you to the Malki lat in return for the lordship of Kashmir? Is that the man to lead you over the Sutlej?”

That touched the chord they all wanted to hear, and they roared “Khalsa-ji!” and “Wa Guru-ji ko Futteh!”, clamouring to know when they’d be ordered to march.

“All in good time,” she assured them. “Let me finish with Goolab. I have told you why he is not the man for you. Now I’ll tell you why he is not the man for me. He is ambitious. Make him Wazir, make him commander of the Khalsa, and he’ll not rest until he has thrust me aside and mounted to my son’s throne. Well, let me tell you, I enjoy my power too much ever to let that happen.” She was sitting back at ease, confident, smiling a little as she surveyed them. “It will never happen with Lal Singh, because I hold him here …” She lifted one small hand, palm upwards, and closed it into a fist. “He is not present today, by my order, but you may tell him what I say, if you wish … and if you think it wise. You see, I am honest with you. I choose Lal Singh because I will have my way, and at my bidding he will lead you …” She paused for effect, sitting erect now, head high, “… wherever it pleases me to send you!”

That meant only one thing to them, and there was bedlam again, with the whole assembly roaring “Khalsaji!” and “Jeendan!” as they crowded forward to the edge of the dais, bearing the spokesmen in front of them, shaking the roof with their cheers and applause – and I thought, bigod, I’m seeing something new. A woman as brazen as she looks, with the courage to proclaim absolutely what she is, and what she thinks, bragging her lust of pleasure and power and ambition, and let ’em make of it what they will. No excuses or politician’s fair words, but simple, arrogant admission: I’m a selfish, immoral bitch out to serve my own ends, and I don’t care who knows it – and because I say it plain, you’ll worship me for it.

And they did. Mind you, if she hadn’t promised them war, it might have been another story, but she had, and she’d done it in style. She knew men, you see, and was well aware that for every one who shrank from her in disgust and anger and even hatred at the shame she put on them, there were ten to acclaim and admire and tell each other what a hell of a girl she was, and lust after her – that was her secret. Strong, clever women use their sex on men in a hundred ways; Jeendan used hers to appeal to the dark side of their natures, and bring out the worst in them. Which, of course, is what you must do with an army, once you’ve gauged its temper. She knew the Khalsa’s temper to an inch, and how to shock it, flirt with it, frighten it, make love to it, and dominate it, all to one end: by the time she’d done with ’em, you see … they trusted her.

I saw it happen, and if you want confirmation, you’ll find it in Broadfoot’s reports, and Nicolson’s, and all the others which tell of Lahore in ’45. You won’t find them approving her, mind you – except Gardner, for whom she could do no wrong – but you’ll get a true picture of an extraordinary woman.²⁶

Order was restored at last, and their distrust of Lal Singh was forgotten in the assurance that she would be leading them; there was only one question that mattered, and Maka Khan voiced it.

“When, kunwari? When shall we march on India?”

“When you are ready,” says she. “After the Dasahra.”^b

There were groans of dismay, and shouts that they were ready now, which she silenced with questions of her own.

“You are ready? How many rounds a man has the Povinda division? What remounts are there for the gorracharra? How much forage for the artillery teams? You don’t know? I’ll tell you: ten rounds, no remounts, forage for five days.” Alick Gardner’s been priming you, thinks I. It silenced them, though, and she went on:

“You won’t go far beyond the Sutlej on that, much less beat the Sirkar’s army. We must have time, and money – and you have eaten the Treasury bare, my hungry Khalsa.” She smiled to soften the rebuke. “So for a season you must disperse the divisions about the country, and live on what you can get – nay, it will be good practice against the day when you come to Delhi and the fat lands to the south!”

That cheered them up – she was telling them to loot their own countryside, you’ll notice, which they’d been doing for six years. Meanwhile, she and their new Wazir would see to it that arms and stores were ready in abundance for the great day. Only a few of the older hands expressed doubts.

“But if we disperse, kunwari, we leave the country open to attack,” says the burly Imam Shah. “The British can make a chapao^c and be in Lahore while we are scattered!”

“The British will not move,” says she confidently. “Rather, when they see the great Khalsa disperse, they will thank God and stand down, as they always do. Is it not so, Maka Khan?”

The old boy looked doubtful. “Indeed, kunwari – yet they are not fools. They have their spies among us. There is one at your court now …” He hesitated, not meeting her eye. “… this Iflassman of the Sirkar’s Army, who hides behind a fool’s errand when all the world knows he is the right hand of the Black-coated Infidel.^d What if he should learn what passes here today? What if there is a traitor among us to inform him?”

“Among the Khalsa?” She was scornful. “You do your comrades little honour, general. As to this Englishman … he learns what I wish him to learn, no more and no less. It will not disturb his masters.”

She had a way with a drawled line, and the lewd brutes went into ribald guffaws – it’s damnable, the way gossip gets about. But it was eerie to hear her talk as though I were miles away, when she knew I was listening to every word. Well, no doubt I’d discover eventually what she was about – I glanced at Mangla, who smiled mysteriously and motioned me to silence, so I must sit and speculate as that remarkable durbar drew to a close with renewed cheers of loyal acclaim and enthusiastic promises of what they’d do to John Company when the time came. Thereafter they all trooped out in high good humour, with a last rouse for the small red and gold figure left in solitary state on her throne, toying with her silver scarf.

Mangla led me aloft again to the rose-pink boudoir, leaving the sliding panel ajar, and busied herself pouring wine into a beaker that must have held near a quart – anticipating her mistress’s needs, you see. Sure enough, a stumbling step and muttered curse on the stair heralded the appearance of the Mother of All Sikhs, looking obscenely beautiful and gasping for refreshment; she drained the cup without even sitting down, gave a sigh that shuddered her delightfully from head to foot, and subsided gratefully on the divan.

“Fill it again … another moment and I should have died! Oh, how they stank!” She drank greedily. “Was it well done, Mangla?”

“Well indeed, kunwari. They are yours, every man.”

“Aye, for the moment. My tongue didn’t trip? You’re sure? My feet did, though …” She giggled and sipped. “I know, I drink too much – but could I have faced them sober? D’you think they noticed?”

“They noticed what you meant them to notice,” says Mangla dryly.

“Baggage! It’s true enough, though … Men!” She gave her husky laugh, raised a shimmering leg and admired its shapeliness complacently. “Even that beast of an Akali couldn’t stare hard enough … heaven help some wench tonight when he vents his piety on her. Wasn’t he a godsend, though? I should be grateful to him. I wonder if he …” She chuckled, drank again, and seemed to see me for the first time. “Did our tall visitor hear it all?”

“Every word, kunwari.”

“And he was properly attentive? Good.” She eyed me over the rim of her cup, set it aside, and stretched luxuriously like a cat, watching me to gauge the effect of all that goodness trying to burst out of the tight silk; no modest violet she. My expression must have pleased her, for she laughed again. “Good. Then we’ll have much to talk about, when I’ve washed away the memory of those sweaty warriors of mine. You look warm, too, my Englishman … show him where to bathe, Mangla – and keep your hands off him, d’you hear?”

“Why, kunwari!”

“‘Why kunwari’ indeed! Here, unbutton my waist.” She laughed and hiccoughed, glancing over her shoulder as Mangla unfastened her at the back. “She’s a lecherous slut, our Mangla. Aren’t you, my dear? Lonely, too, now that Jawaheer’s gone – not that she ever cared two pice for him.” She gave me her Delilah smile. “Did you enjoy her, Englishman? She enjoyed you. Well, let me tell you, she is thirty-one, the old trollop – five years my senior and twice as old in sin, so beware of her.”

She reached for her cup again, knocked it over, splashed wine across her midriff, cursed fluently, and pulled the diamond from her navel. “Here, Mangla, take this. He doesn’t like it, and he’ll never learn the trick.” She rose, none too steadily, and waved Mangla impatiently away. “Go on, woman – show him where to bathe, and set out the oil, and then take yourself off! And don’t forget to tell Rai and the Python to be within call, in case I need them.”

I wondered, as I had a hasty wash-down in a tiny chamber off the boudoir, if I’d ever met such a blatant strumpet in my life – well, Ranavalona, of course, but you don’t expect coy flirtation from a female ape. Montez hadn’t been one to stand on ceremony either, crying “On guard!” and brandishing her hairbrush, and Mrs Leo Lade could rip the britches off you with a sidelong glance, but neither had paraded their dark desires as openly as this tipsy little houri. Still, one must conform to the etiquette of the country, so I dried myself with feverish speed and strode forth as nature intended, eager to ambush her as she emerged from her bathroom – and she was there ahead of me.

She was half-reclining on a broad silken quilt on the floor, clad in her head-veil and bangles – and I’d been looking forward to easing her out of those pants, too. She was fortifying herself with her wine cup, as usual, and it struck me that unless I went to work without delay she’d be too foxed to perform. But she could still speak and see, at least, for she surveyed me with glassy-eyed approval, licked her lips, and says:

“You’re impatient, I see …. No, wait, let me look at you … Mm-m … Now, come here and lie down beside me … and wait. I said we should talk, remember. There are things you must know, so that you can speak my mind to Broadfoot sahib and the Malki lat.” Another sip of puggle and a drunken chuckle. “As you English say, business before pleasure.”

I was boiling to contradict her by demonstration, but as I’ve observed, queens are different – and this one had told Mangla to have “Rai and the Python” standing by; they didn’t sound like lady’s maids, exactly. Also, if she had something for Hardinge, I must hear it. So I stretched out, nearly bursting at the prospect of the abundances thrusting at me within easy reach, and the wicked slut bobbed them with one hand while she poured tipple into herself with the other. Then she put down the cup, scooped her hand into a deep porcelain bowl of oil at her side, and kneeling forward above me, let it trickle on to my manly breast; then she began to rub it in ever so gently with her finger-tips, all over my torso, murmuring to me to lie still, while I gritted my teeth and clawed at the quilt, and tried to remember what an ablative absolute was – I had to humour her, you see, but with that painted harlot’s face breathing warm booze at me, and those superb poonts quivering overhead with every teasing movement, and her fingers caressing … well, it was distracting, you know. To make things worse, she talked in that husky whisper, and I must try to pay attention.

Jeendan: This is what killed Runjeet Singh, did you know? It took a full bowl of oil … and then he died … smiling …

Flashy (a trifle hoarse): You don’t say! Any last words, were there?

J: It was my duty to apply the oil while we discussed the business of the state. It relieved the tedium of affairs, he used to say, and reminded him that life is not all policy.

F (musing): No wonder the country went to rack and ruin … Ah, steady on! Oh, lor’! State business, eh? Well, well …

J: You find it … stimulating? It is a Persian custom, you know. Brides and grooms employ it on their wedding night, to dispel their shyness and enhance their enjoyment of each other.

F (through clenched teeth): It’s a fact, you can always learn something new. Oh, Holy Moses! I say, don’t you care for a spot of oil yourself … after your bath, I mean … mustn’t catch COLD! I’d be glad to –

J: Presently … not yet. What splendid muscles you have, my Englishman.

F: Exercise and clean living – oh, God! See here, kunwari, I think that’ll do me nicely, don’t you know –

J: I can judge better than you. Now, be still, and listen. You heard all that passed at my durbar? So … you can assure Broadfoot sahib that all is well, that my brother’s death is forgotten, and that I hold the Khalsa in the hollow of my hand … like this … no, no, be still – I was only teasing! Tell him also that I entertain the friendliest feelings towards the Sirkar, and there is nothing to fear. You understand?

F (whimpering): Absolutely. Speaking of friendly feelings –

J: A little more oil, I think … But you must warn him to withdraw no regiments from the Sutlej, is that clear? They must remain at full strength … like you, my mighty English elephant … There now, I have teased you long enough. You must be rewarded for your patience. (Leaves off and kneels back, reaching for drink.)

F: Not before time –

J (fending him off): No, no – it is your turn to take the oil! Not too much, and begin at my finger-tips, so … very gently … smooth it into my hands … good … now the wrists … You will inform Broadfoot sahib that the Khalsa will be dispersed until after the Dasahra, when I shall instruct the astrologers to choose a day for opening the war … now my elbows. But no day will be propitious for many weeks. I shall see to that … now slowly up to the shoulders … softly, a little more oil … Yes, I shall know how to postpone and delay … so the Sirkar will have ample time to prepare for whatever may come … The shoulders, I said! Oh, well, you have been patient, so why not? More oil, on both hands … more … ah, delicious! But gently, there is more news for Broadfoot sahib –

F (oiling furiously): Bugger Broadfoot!

J: Patience, beloved, you go too fast. Pleasure hasted is pleasure wasted, remember … Tell him Lal Singh and Tej Singh will command the Khalsa – are you listening? Lal and Tej – don’t forget their names … There, now, all is told – so lie down again, elephant, and await your mahout’s pleasure … so-o … oh, gods! Ah-h-h …! Wait, lie still – and observe this time-glass, which tells the quarter-hour … its sands must run out before yours, do you hear? So, now, slowly … you remember the names? Lal and Tej … Lal and Tej … Lal and …

Young chaps, who fancy themselves masterful, won’t credit it, but these driving madames who insist on calling the tune can give you twice the sport of any submissive slave, if you handle them right. If they want to play the princess lording it over the poor peasant, let ’em; it puts them on their mettle, and saves you no end of hard work. I’ve known any number of the imperious bitches, and the secret is to let them set the pace, hold back until they’ve shot their bolt, and then give ’em more than they bargained for.

Knowing Jeendan’s distempered appetite, I’d thought to be hard put to stay the course, but now that I was sober, which I hadn’t been at our first encounter, it was as easy as falling off a log – which is what she did, if you follow me, after a mere five minutes, wailing with satisfaction. Well, I wasn’t having that, so I picked her up and bulled her round the room until she hollered uncle. Then I let her have the minute between rounds, while I oiled her lovingly, and set about her again – turning the time-glass in the middle of it, and drawing her attention to the fact, although what with drink and ecstasy I doubt if she could even see it. She was whimpering to be let alone, so I finished the business leisurely as could be, and damned if she didn’t faint – either that or it was the booze.

After a while she came to, calling weakly for a drink, so I fed her a few sips while I debated whether to give her a thrashing or sing her a lullaby – you must keep ’em guessing, you know. The first seemed inadvisable, so far from home, so I carried her to and fro humming “Rockabye, baby”, and so help me she absolutely went to sleep, nestling against me. I laid her on the divan, thinking this’ll give us time to restore our energies, and went into the wash-room to rid myself of the oil – I’ve known randy women have some odd tastes: birches, spurs, hairbrushes, peacock feathers, baths, handcuffs, God knows what, but Jeendan’s the only grease-monkey I can recall.

I was scrubbing away, whistling “Drink, puppy, drink”, when I heard a hand-bell tinkle in the boudoir. You’ll have to wait a while, my dear, thinks I, but then I heard voices and realised she had summoned Mangla, and was giving instructions in a dreamy, exhausted whisper.

“You may dismiss Rai and the Python,” murmurs she. “I shall have no need of them today … perhaps not tomorrow …”

I should think not, indeed. So I sang “Rule, Britannia”.

a Chief.

b The ten-day festival in October after which the Sikhs were accustomed to set out on expeditions.

c Sudden attack.

d The Afghan nickname for George Broadfoot.