Читать книгу Bare Devotion - Geri Krotow - Страница 11

Chapter 4

Sonja was relieved beyond measure when the business meeting with the McNeelys wrapped up early. She needed a break and ducked out of the office to meet her best friend Poppy Kaminsky for a quick cuppa.

The promise of Poppy’s soothing presence made her pick up her pace, eager for the solace only a best friend can give. Poppy wasn’t in the café yet, so Sonja gave her order at the counter. When Sonja turned to find a table, Poppy walked in the door and offered her signature full-wattage smile.

Sonja waved. “Hi, boo.”

“Hey, girlfriend.” Poppy enveloped her in a hug, and Sonja soaked up every last drop of affection from the woman who’d been with her through thick and thin. Poppy took a step back and gave Sonja a once-over.

“Geez, Sonja, you look good, really good. Even though I know you’re feeling like hell.” Poppy’s wonder was evident in her open expression, the way she looked Sonja up and down like she was some kind of suffering fool.

Which she was.

“I’m okay. I’ll save us a table while you get your order.”

They sat at the tiny table, and Sonja waited for Poppy to ask the obvious.

“So you haven’t told him about the baby yet?” Poppy didn’t disappoint as she eyed Sonja over the frothiest cappuccino Sonja had ever seen.

“I couldn’t this morning. I tried to, at the house. I stopped in to take a look at it, and Henry showed up. And then so did Deidre.” She filled Poppy in on the Deidre scene, and the more awful exchange she and Henry had in the master bathroom. Poppy took it all in, compassion evident in her large eyes. Sonja couldn’t stand the feeling of being pitied and squirmed in her seat. “You know, Poppy, if that foam was any higher you’d fall in it.” Sonja preferred to keep their conversation on the light side, but nothing was ever that simple with her college roommate and soul sister. Poppy saw through Sonja’s bullshit and was never afraid to call her on it.

“Stop deflecting.” Poppy’s eyes were sharp. “The baby. You should have told him by now. How do you know that crazy bitch isn’t going to try to move in on him? Or do something else to scare you?”

“You mean like leave a squirrel boiling on my stove?”

Poppy’s eyes widened in recognition. “Yes. It’s not funny, Sonja. You said yourself you think something’s not right with her. Take it from me, there’s a lot more going on there. I should know—I went pretty crazy myself when I found out my ex was cheating on me. She could be a real psycho, though. Look what she did showing up in front of you like that at the wedding.”

“You did your share of over-the-top tantrums in front of your ex’s family, too.” Sonja didn’t want to hurt Poppy, but it’d been all over social media. Poppy had quite the reputation as a wronged woman out for revenge before she’d found her happiness in New Orleans.

Poppy put her chin on her hand. “I did. And I’m telling you, if I hadn’t had your wedding—I mean, you know—to focus on and escape to, who knows when I would have stopped going after Will and that pathetic excuse for an assistant I had?”

“You were wronged.”

Poppy shook her head. “That’s my point. Deidre was wronged, too, even if it was a long time ago. And she has more than Henry as an ex, right? She’s got a lot of bitter to spew. Henry and you are her most convenient target right now.”

“It’s hard to reconcile the sweet Southern belle I met that day and just saw at the house with the woman who made his life a living hell. And I don’t think she’s actually crazy, just incredibly self-absorbed and used to getting her way.”

Poppy nodded. “Exactly. That describes me a few months ago, too.” Poppy stirred the dusting of cocoa into her coffee, making it look more like café au lait. “Henry’s one tough dude, if he put up with all of that in college and even Brandon never knew about it.”

“He and Brandon were estranged back then, remember? I know it looks to you like they’re the best of brothers, friends, but it’s only been since the we—since the rehearsal dinner. What, three, four weeks?”

“Almost four.” Poppy’s smile was back. The daze of new love.

“Feels like a lifetime ago.” Sonja sipped her seltzer water. It was all she could manage this afternoon.

“And you still haven’t told him you’re having his baby.” Poppy’s face was open, nonjudgmental.

“No. There hasn’t been a right time. And now with the house flooding, the fallout being more than I imagined it would be, it’s harder than ever to nail down the right time to talk to him. I tried this morning, like I said, but it was a no-go.” She sighed. “It’s making me wonder if I shouldn’t pick up and go.” Not that her bank account could support it.

“You’re kidding, right? You already took off from your wedding and Henry. How did that help anything, really? You have to tell him, Sonja. Henry’s not a monster. No matter how much you try to make him out to be one.”

“I’m not trying to make him anything. It’s all on me, I know that.”

“Your trust issues.” Sometimes Poppy’s frankness wasn’t refreshing. It was sobering, almost painfully so.

“Yes. My trust issues.” Sonja tore her cocktail napkin into tiny bits as she spoke. “What was I thinking, marrying that man, any man? You’ve known me the longest, Poppy. I was happy living with him. Why the hell did I agree to tie the knot?”

“There’s something else you’re not telling me. Does it have to do with his parents?” Par for the course, Poppy wasn’t going to let her veer off course again.

“No. Yes. Yes, they don’t help matters. But I can’t blame their racist view of the world on my decision to leave Henry.” As she mouthed the words, her stomach curdled but not from morning sickness. From regret, sorrow, the grief she’d yet to process through.

“I really thought you two had worked through all that. But if you haven’t told him about how awful they’ve been to you, Henry wouldn’t see anything to be concerned about.”

The Boudreauxs had left New Orleans proper after Katrina and made the family firm headquarters in Baton Rouge. Henry’s father had opened a satellite office in New Orleans that he assigned to Henry right after Henry passed the bar. It enabled the legacy of the law firm to continue, and to in fact expand their client base. But Henry’s father didn’t have to sully his hands with working through a post-Katrina New Orleans, or the racism it unveiled in all its depravity to the world.

“It’s more complicated than that. It’s about his entire future, the firm’s future. And let’s face it, if we were meant to be I would have been able to tell him about it all right away. Who did I think I was, protecting him? His mother?”

“You still care about him.” Poppy’s soft words sent her heart hammering.

“Of course I do. I always will care about his welfare. But we’re not ever going to be a couple. We’re through.” She blinked furiously, trying to keep the tears from falling. Oh boy, she did have a lot of grief to still work through.

“Even with the baby surprise?”

“Don’t throw that at me. We both know I don’t need a man to be a good parent.”

“I’m not saying that. You’ll be the absolute best mother. Which is why I know you’ll want the baby’s father involved. Especially when the father is Henry. Henry, Poppy. Not some dude you hooked up with in a one-night stand, or a guy who’d been abusing you that you had to leave. Henry.” Poppy’s steady gaze at once nailed Sonja to the spot, making her see how foolish her actions were, while also conveying the depth of respect Poppy had for her ex.

“You lost your objectivity when you fell for Brandon.”

“Maybe. A little. But do you know what’s really happening with me, Sonja? I’ve realized that in order to make the most of my life, I had to shed everything I knew before. Not because I was a bitch in my previous life, which we both know I was.” They shared a laugh, which Sonja treasured. Even in the midst of her personal crisis, Poppy still made her laugh with little effort.

“What did you shed, besides your career in New York?” Sonja was loath to bring up what she knew had hurt Poppy deeply. Not only did her fiancé cheat on her, but because of Poppy’s over-the-top temper tantrum at The Plaza Hotel, the entire social media world had been privy to her unprofessional behavior. It had cost Poppy the contract of her dreams, and the promise of financial freedom, when a major chain department store canceled its design contract with her last minute.

“I let go of the overly heavy expectations I put on myself. I expected to keep going in the same business forever. Even though I knew I wanted to reach out to the world in a more local community way, I had no idea how to implement it or make it happen. By falling on my butt, I landed here in New Orleans at the perfect time. The boutique downtown that I work in was looking for extra help, and it gave me an office and apartment where I had space to think and figure out my next steps.” Poppy had given Sonja the apartment key as soon as she committed to move in with Brandon. Sonja was grateful for the place to call home since the river house was gutted.

“I have to figure out my next steps now, I suppose. Not just with me, or my job, but the baby. How am I going to manage the hours I work and raise a kid? It’s one thing to say I can do it, hell, we have a lot of friends doing it. But putting it in motion...”

“Which is why you need to tell Henry. You’re not in this solo, even if you don’t want to marry him.”

Poppy had her there. But with sharing parenting came the reality of having to see Henry regularly, as he helped raise his child, which he would. Henry did nothing in half-measures. She snorted, thinking about how he’d insisted on a full-scale society wedding ceremony. She’d gotten her way with the more casual entertaining during the days leading up to the wedding, but Henry would accept nothing less than being married in front of the entire world in the cathedral downtown.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m thinking about how far from myself I went to attempt a marriage with Henry.” Poppy stayed silent, so she went on. “I never wanted all the fancy stuff. I’m getting rid of my car, going for something more economical, environmental. Why didn’t I do that right away?”

“There’s no sin in enjoying nice things. You’d worked and studied so hard for so long. Stop beating yourself up.” Poppy had been her strongest supporter when she’d decided to apply to law school their senior year in college.

“If I don’t look at myself, then I have to look at Henry, and I don’t know why he didn’t trust me enough to tell me the full story on Deidre.”

“Ask him.”

“That’s my point. I shouldn’t have to ask him.”

Poppy snorted. “Did you think that just because you found the right guy for you that everything else about it would be easy?”

Sonja blinked. Had she?

“You lived together for almost three years, Sonja. You knew him, you know him.” Poppy was in her wise sage mode, which Sonja usually found humorous as Poppy had wild curly blond hair, big amber eyes that were offset by her porcelain skin, making her look a little like a Celtic witch. Today it only made Sonja want to curl up under the covers. There was too much to process.

“I knew Henry well, yes. But he did change, in some ways. I don’t know, it’s like the minute we moved into the big house it all went to shit. That’s about the time we started the wedding planning, too.” The disappearance of the long talks they’d have on the small porch of the cottage they’d lived in as their house was built the first time. It was on the property they’d bought for the river house, and they’d converted it into a functioning guesthouse. How had they gone from that intimacy to her jilting him? She was awash with emotions too heavy to number. Nothing she wanted to talk to Poppy or anyone about, not yet, maybe not ever. “I’ve got to get back to the office.” She fished around in her designer bag for change.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do for a place to live?” Poppy tilted her head. “I mean, if it was up to me you could have the downtown apartment as long as you need it, but Bianca has already rented it out again.”

“As she should have.” Although Sonja desperately wished she’d been able to secure the efficiency, she truly couldn’t afford it. She was lucky Poppy had been able to let her stay there, gratis.

“It’s got to be hard, being so close to him after all of this. Are the sparks still there?” Poppy slipped in the kind of quiet, unassuming yet jarring, thought provocation she’d been good at since they’d met as freshman in college.

Sonja placed four quarters on the table and sighed. “Yes.”

* * * *

Henry helped himself to his second bourbon after work. He stood at the tiny kitchen counter in the cottage they’d lived in for six months while the house was built. The riverfront property was hauntingly quiet since their breakup. That was about to change when the contractors came in to do the flood repair and restoration. The guesthouse had become his home again, as it was untouched by the flood. At night though, he still found himself wandering around through the ravaged house, facing the memories of what he and Sonja had shared. Wondering how he fucked up so royally.

He carried his drink with him as he walked across the property to the main house, through to the expansive back deck. As he took the wooden steps down to the short pier, he recalled how, only a few weeks ago, his brother had pulled up in one of his eclectic boats and offered the entire wedding party a ride into NOLA to celebrate the upcoming nuptials.

The bite of the liquor hit his tongue, and he savored the burn as he swallowed his drug of choice. Bourbon had been his nectar and he its lovelorn bee as he nursed his aching heart. He grunted out a bitter laugh at the moving water, the current evident in the small eddies that formed around the bank and large tree trunks that floated along as easily as a fiberglass kayak.

How stupid he’d been, to think he’d be lucky in love. To fall for Sonja’s act. He’d believed her, thought she’d really fallen in love with him, too. But then she’d changed, right before his eyes. All of the wedding planning replayed much uglier in his memory as he walked himself through each stage of their relationship.

He’d fucked up, yes, forcing Sonja’s hand on the wedding. He saw that now. She’d wanted something much more casual, laid-back. Something her family would be comfortable with instead of the over-the-top event he wanted to announce how much he loved her. By the time Deidre showed up as an “extra” guest invited by his parents, it was too late.

Even his family didn’t know about the crazy ex in his back pocket. They knew Deidre and knew they’d been engaged, briefly. But they didn’t know how batshit crazy she was. Some of it through no fault of her own—Deidre was a spoiled rich girl from way back. Her parents had appeased her every whim, and when she’d met him, she assumed he would, too. When he told her they were done, she’d gone insane with jealousy, rage. She sharpened her stalking skills over the next couple of years, ending in him seeking a restraining order against her.

He’d told Sonja about his short engagement in the early days of their relationship, because he didn’t want Sonja to think he was ever holding anything back from her. But he’d held back the crazy stalking parts. The dark memories of feeling he’d never be able to have a normal life again. It’d been a source of pride for him to not tell his parents the full Deidre story—he’d needed to handle it on his own. And part of him had been ashamed that he hadn’t seen her coming a country mile away. He’d been a kid back then, comparatively, but there was nothing he’d do differently, looking at it from ten years out. The restraining order had been a step toward his maturity and a way to set a healthy boundary.

Regret gnawed at him. Maybe he should have told Sonja all of it. Every last ugly bit. But shouldn’t the woman who loved you accept you completely, no matter what you told her? Or didn’t tell her? And while he was certainly guilty of not sharing the entire Deidre past with her, how was it that an ex ended up axing their big day?

There was something else, something she wasn’t telling him. He thought maybe his parents had said something to her, made her think twice. But even if they had, it underscored the sad state of their bond if she didn’t come to him with her concerns.

It wasn’t just the wedding, or the day, or the fact that he’d kept some of his past from Sonja. He’d not fought harder to keep the initial connection they shared alive. He swirled the bourbon in his glass. Working for relationships wasn’t his strong suit—he’d proven that with his parents, hadn’t he? Instead of fighting them like Brandon and Jena had, he’d ignored what needed to be done. A tug of recrimination forced him from his pity party. His parents—had he been too willing to overlook their worst character defects because he’d been so desperate to throw the huge society wedding he felt Sonja deserved?

Christ, Sonja was the love of his life. If she wasn’t, this wouldn’t be so hard. But he could never, ever let her see it. The last thing he ever wanted from the woman who’d jilted him at the altar was pity. Compassion was pushing it, too. And if he didn’t have much else, he did still have some fucking pride left.

It’d taken being jilted for him to realize what he’d always feared. He wasn’t worthy of Sonja, never had been. The fact that he’d started to believe he was, to the point he’d been slayed by her wedding escape, made him question his sanity.

He wanted nothing from Sonja but for her to go away and let the good memories somehow remain intact, unsoiled by the ugly anger, resentment, and bitterness his runaway bride had left in her wake.

God damn his conscience.