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UNDERSTANDING CONFIDENCE

Success comes in cans, not can’ts. —

Author unknown

Confidence is a belief that something can and will happen. You may be confident that your team will win. You could be confident the train will arrive on time. Whether the team does actually win or the train does arrive on time is another matter!

Self-confidence is believing that you can do things.

Self-confidence is not about what you can or can’t do. It’s what you think and believe you can or can’t do. You might believe that you can sky-dive or pass an exam. Whether, when the time comes, you can jump out of the plane or pass the exam is also another matter!

When you’re feeling confident, you have a positive attitude towards yourself and your abilities and you believe that events and experiences are likely to turn out well. But when you’re not feeling confident, you’re likely to believe that things will turn out badly. And because you believe things won’t turn out well, you often feel that there’s no point in even trying.

Furthermore, you only see or even look for evidence that confirms that you can’t do something while avoiding or ignoring evidence that, actually, you could do something. So if you weren’t feeling confident about passing your driving test, you’d focus on the weaker aspects of your driving abilities – reverse parking or three-point turns – as evidence that you weren’t going to do well.

And, when setbacks do occur, if you lack confidence you’re likely to feel discouraged and give up. Whereas if you’re feeling confident, you’re able to work at overcoming the difficulties, believing that things can get better.

In Practice

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. – Norman Vincent Peale

Be more aware of how you think and what you do. When you’re lacking confidence in a particular situation, what are you thinking? Do you think things like, ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘This is going to be so difficult’? Do you tell yourself, ‘It’s not going to turn out well – it’s going to go wrong’? Do you avoid taking part in or back out of events and situations because you think you’re going to feel awkward or fail?

What about when you are feeling confident? What thoughts pass through your head? Do you think things like, ‘I can do this’, ‘I’m looking forward to this’ or ‘Things will work out fine’? Do you tell yourself ‘If things don’t work out, I’ll be able to deal with it’? Maybe, when you’re feeling confident you don’t even give it any thought – you just get on with doing it.

Identify the evidence. Think of something you would you like to do but don’t have the confidence. For example, you might want to learn a new skill, start your own business or go to a social event. Don’t believe you can do it? How do you know you can’t do it? Write down the evidence – the reasons why you think you can’t do it. Now write down the evidence – the reasons – that maybe you could do it. Which would be more helpful for you to believe – the evidence you could do it, or the evidence that you couldn’t do it?

Remember: confidence is not what you can or can’t do, it’s what you think and believe you can or can’t do.

UNDERSTANDING SELF-ESTEEM

Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on. —

Maxwell Maltz

Just as your self-confidence is affected by what you believe about yourself, so is your self-esteem. Confidence rests on what you believe about your abilities. Self-esteem rests on what you believe about your worth and value as a person.

Confidence and self-esteem influence each other. If, in a variety of situations, you don’t have confidence – if you don’t believe you are capable of doing something – you may also feel bad about yourself; about your perceived inability to do something. You’ll have low self-esteem. When your self-esteem is low, you see yourself in a negative and critical light; you see or even look for evidence that confirms that you’re not a worthy person while ignoring evidence that you have worth and value. You’ll also feel less able to take on the challenges life throws at you, and that just undermines your self-esteem further and you feel bad again. It’s a negative dynamic.

On the other hand, building your confidence helps you feel good about yourself. And if you feel good about yourself, you feel more confident about your abilities and life in general. It’s a positive dynamic; a win-win situation.

Are you born with self-esteem? Not exactly. You’re born with the ability to think and therefore to judge your worth and value; to feel good, bad or somewhere in between about yourself. As you live your life, what happens to you – your experiences, what you do and don’t do, and how other people treat you and behave towards you – will influence your self-esteem, for better or worse.

In Practice

You are what you think you are. And what you think, you are. – Author unknown

The judgements and opinions you have of yourself reflect your levels of self-esteem. Read the statements below. Tick each one you think is true about the way you think.

■ I think I’m as good and likeable as other people.

■ If I do well at something I feel pleased with myself.

■ If someone criticises me I deal with it and then move on. I don’t let it knock me back too much.

■ I can say no to others’ needs and demands – especially if they’re unreasonable.

■ I think most people I know like me and think I’m a good person.

■ I don’t let others treat me unfairly.

■ I feel that my opinions and needs matter as much as anyone else’s.

■ If I make a mistake I don’t think I’m completely hopeless.

■ I don’t avoid taking part in things because I feel I’m not good enough.

■ I think I have several good qualities.

■ I think I am as deserving of respect and happiness as anyone else.

■ I have achieved things that I feel proud of.

■ I don’t constantly need others’ approval.

The fewer statements you ticked, the more likely it is that you have low self-esteem. The good news is that you can develop new, positive ways of seeing yourself and your abilities!

AVOIDING THE COMPARISON TRAP

Comparison is the thief of joy. —

Theodore Roosevelt

Confidence and self-esteem are concerned with what we believe about our abilities and our self-worth.

But how can we judge our worth and abilities? Using what standards and criteria? By comparing our abilities and worth with those of other people.

The problem is, there’s always someone you know, meet, see, listen to or read about in magazines, newspapers and on Facebook, who you could see as being ‘better’: more successful, better looking, more capable or who has more and has done more than you.

You can always find ways that you don’t match up. Of course, it’s natural to want to know where you fit into the scheme of things. But measuring your worth and your abilities against other people and concluding you don’t match up can only lead to feeling inferior, disappointed and even ashamed.

How often, though, do you compare yourself with someone less fortunate than you and consider yourself blessed? Too often, we compare ourselves with someone who we think is ‘better’ or has more; better skills, abilities or personal qualities and better or more resources and possessions. We compare what we think is the worst of ourselves to the best we presume about others.

You may even look for further evidence to support and confirm what you’ve decided is true; the negative ways in which you don’t match up, what you don’t have, can’t do or will never be. But these sorts of negative comparisons only create resentment and feelings of unfairness and deprivation.

In Practice

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self. – Hindu proverb

Break free of the negative comparison habit. Ask yourself, ‘How does comparing myself or my situation to others make me feel?’ If comparisons leave you feeling resentful, discouraged and feeling bad about yourself, then clearly it’s not helpful to think like this.

Focus on you. Comparing yourself to someone else puts the focus on the wrong person. Your skills, abilities, contributions and value are entirely unique to you. They can never be fairly compared to anyone else. Your time and effort could be better spent thinking positively about yourself. Compare yourself to yourself. Focus on what you have done and are doing rather than what everyone else has done and is doing. Reflect on what you’ve experienced, achieved and/or overcome. See how far you have come compared to last week, last year, two years ago, five years ago. And if you’ve suffered a setback, focus on how you can move forward and gain ground again.

Instead of comparing yourself with others, be inspired by others. Rather than compare yourself with other people who are ‘better’ or have more than you, see others as role models to learn from and inspire you. When you allow yourself to feel inspired by others, you can feel motivated to achieve and do well according to your own abilities, skills and resources.

Compare less. Appreciate more. Being more aware of what you do have rather than what, compared to others, you don’t have, is a far more positive direction to take. Identify the good fortune, privileges and qualities you have and build on them.

BEING WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. —

Dr Seuss

Confidence and self-esteem come not just from what you believe about yourself and your abilities but also what other people – family, friends, colleagues etc. – think and believe about you and how they behave towards you and respond to you.

If you believe something about yourself – it could be positive or negative – and other people believe that about you too, then together you make it a reality. In a variety of situations, being positively noticed, encouraged or praised by others can help you build a positive view of yourself. However, not being valued by others and receiving negative responses from other people can make it more likely that you will lack confidence and have low self-esteem.

Throughout your life you come across all kinds of people, different in many ways. But when it comes to how they impact on your self-esteem and confidence, other people can fall into one of two camps: they are either ‘drains’ or ‘radiators.' People who are radiators emanate warmth and positivity, while drains can leave you feeling … drained. Their negativity can drain your self-esteem and confidence.