Читать книгу Three Short Novels - Gina Berriault - Страница 8

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On the night of the day she was graduated from a girls’ school with twenty-three other girls in the same kind of virginal white gown, all floating under the trees with their ribboned diplomas in their hands, she demanded that her parents consent to her marriage to the brother of her father’s mistress. The young man was nineteen, extraordinarily handsome and on his way to Hollywood where, with the help of a cousin who was an actress, he would become an actor. He had no money and no job other than as an occasional waiter in a big, cheap restaurant frequented by Italian families, and he could not act, so he could not, her father explained to her, ever hope for much to happen unless his beauty was so great that nothing more would be required, and this, her father said, was doubtful, for wasn’t his head too large and his legs too thick, and wasn’t he a bit pigeon-toed? Her father was an elegant man with a fine profile, and he made a practice, in times of stress, of deriding and condemning the enemy by referring to physical deficiencies. But swayed by his daughter’s threats to accompany the young man anyway, and to bear a child to make matters worse, he consented to the marriage, and his wife consented also, and the wedding of Vivian Carpentier and Paul Cardoni took place in the Episcopal cathedral.

She had wanted as many guests as possible, for the greater the number the greater was the approval of her obsession with the groom, the more public the marriage the more assured was his future as an actor; that was the superstitious and substantive role the guests played. In Paul’s old Ford they drove down the coast, stayed a few nights with the actress, then found a small apartment of their own; he went to work as a waiter in a famous restaurant patronized by the movie crowd and there awaited discovery. When she became pregnant, a month after the wedding, she looked forward to the child as a unifier of the parents. The child was to make the marriage last forever, though she had no doubt that it would anyway. But the pregnancy lasted longer than the marriage. Toward the end of the pregnancy he was troubled by insomnia, brought on, he revealed one night, by his dread of her bearing a child. The advent of a child unnerved him; he had not realized what a shock a child could be to the parents. He felt that his chance for fame was less now, he felt that he was chained to a rock. Since he revealed his feelings only one time, one night, she believed that he felt the way he described only once, as a person has a case of nausea one night and then no more. Not long after that night, however, he failed to return from his job, and nine days after his disappearance a letter came from Chicago, instructing her to return to her parents and to wait to hear from him. He was on his way to New York to try to get on the stage. He would, he wrote, send her an address when he got there, and he wanted her to let him know when the baby was born.

After riding all night on the train, she arrived just as her parents and her brother were sitting down to Sunday breakfast. She had not eaten supper the night before, having been revolted by the thought of food, and was hungry now; but hunger was not the only reason she ate with a gluttonous concentration. She felt that her parents had construed as wholly selfish her desire to marry the young man who had now deserted her, and, in their care again, she mockingly accepted their view of her by obligingly demonstrating the same kind of selfish desperation over the meal. She had been prepared for the world by her mother’s celestial mauve ceilings and pale yellow satin sofas, yet here she was in her true nature: a girl with cheap, draggy pregnancy clothes given her by some neighbor’s sister; her hair dried by peroxide and bleached two colors, white edged with sulphur yellow; her high heels turning under; her fingernails unclean; and too insensitive to lift her head for even a moment to say a gracious word to her family.

She sat in her mother’s room while her mother spent an hour dressing and making up her face, apparently unaccepting of the reflection, patting her cheeks with rouge, twisting down hennaed curls to cover the cheeks. Vivian took cigarettes from her mother’s porcelain box on the dresser and smoked them the way her husband smoked—after a long draw on the cigarette, throwing back her head to let the smoke trickle out. She crossed her knees, hooked her arm over the back of the chair, and swung her foot, while she told her mother about the actresses and actors into whose homes and pools Paul and she had been welcomed. She said that Paul had got a part in a movie that was being filmed in the Arizona desert, and she had told him before he left that she was going to visit her parents because he had been afraid she would be lonesome without him. At that point she broke into tears, sobbing so loudly she felt that she was wrenching the child out of place.

She lay limp and manageable in her mother’s bed, babbling about cockroaches in the sink, grease-eating ants in the tub; blaming insects as the cause of her husband’s departure because insects had been a constant irritant during a time she could not begin to examine, and because to examine the marriage, even if she could, was to see her life as she suspected her mother saw it, as a great prevalence of mistakes. Her mother covered her with a blanket, her and the large hump of her child, and went off to church.

Four days after her return, her father drove her late one night to the hospital, and the child was born in the early morning. She named the boy David, not in honor of any relative or friend but because the name had always appealed to her for its calling up of the youth who had slain the giant and in his manhood had become king, for the eternal youthfulness of it. The child had dark, downy hair and eyes like narrow luminous beads within plump lids, eyes of a deep yet indeterminable color; his feet were wrinkled and tinged with purple as if they were two hundred years old; and everything possessed that perfectness of miniature objects of art.

She was surprised by how her body responded to the child’s cry when she herself was doubtful in response, unsure of how she felt about him—whether she would grieve if he were to be taken from her or whether she would be relieved, or whether she would both grieve and be relieved at once. When the child cried to be fed, a minute ferment started up in her breasts, an activity like that which might go on inside a fruit when the hot sun concentrates on it. The milk seeped through the cloth of the nightgown, and, when she lay on her side to feed him, the trembling draw of his mouth on her nipple tugged the womb upward in a most inward, upward pulling that made the sucking a pleasure for her and almost a reason for having borne the child. At these times she would caress his small, round head and his limbs of no angles, no joints, that had a curve like a doll’s rubber legs, trying with her touch to perceive who he was, what manner of person he was to be, touching with a feeling of dread the hair that lay over the soft fontanel where the soul seemed to be contained. And even when, gazing down at his small face, she was disturbed by the inanity of his hunger, by the animal simplicity of his need to be fed and of his satisfaction while he fed, by this simple demand upon her because it forecast unknowable, more complicated demands, even as she felt in her spirit a shrinking away from his demands upon her and her future, her breasts responded to his mouth, her body enjoyed the secret and yet unsecret, the known to all upward pull within, and she was pleased with his dependency on her body.

Once, toward the end of her stay in the maternity ward, as she sat in the chair next to the bed, nursing him, it seemed to her a ludicrous mistake that a man should ever be in the condition of infancy. She wondered if he might be ashamed of her later—of the time of his infancy, and look at other male infants, even his son, and be ashamed for them. The time of his infancy seemed so absurd because there was already present in his person the time when he would be of significance beyond her—the girl who held him at her breasts, her two hands spanning his length. She was so amused by the absurdity of his infancy that she lifted him high to press her laughing face into the almost weightless combination of small dangling body and soft garments.

After one week she packed her few things, nightgowns and bathrobe and slippers. Her father carried her overnight case for her and she left the hospital, holding her baby wrapped in a blanket. She was careful of her step over the elevator threshold because she was wearing very high heels and taking some satisfaction in the fact that the shoes opposed the baby, that they hinted she was not in any girlish elation over the real baby in her arms, that the time of her delusion was over. In the walk along the corridor of the main floor and down the broad steps and out through the parking lot to her father’s car, she fought an urge she knew she would never give in to and yet feared—to stumble in her heels and drop the baby. When her shoe turned a little, out by the car, she clutched the child closer in terror.