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Chapter 1

Relationships

Families raise children but they are not the only source of influence or support. Particularly for girls, friends are crucial to happiness and sense of self-worth. Your daughter will be totally reliant on you in her early years. Together with her extended family, be they aunts, uncles and grandparents or step-families, you will nurture, guide and support her. She will find her friends in her neighbour-hood and her school, through her hobbies and interests. A warm, loving network is the foundation on which your daughter will grow and by which she will be shaped. She will take her role models from those closest to her as she grows until she begins to look wider afield. The overwhelming majority of girls say that their mothers are their most influential role models. This is a great tribute but with it comes a huge responsibility – to set the best possible example, to guide and direct, to communicate and explain. As she matures your daughter will also be greatly influenced by her teachers and, above all, by her peers. The media will also have an effect, one which you will probably want to moderate by discussing with her those aspects which you consider admirable . . . and those you don’t. It will not always be plain sailing. Everyone has to deal with disappointment and loss, with failure and heartache. At these times your daughter will rely on her relationships, with you and with others, to help her cope and to help her understand.

Family Relationships

The relationship between parents and their daughters can either be one of great stress and anguish throughout your daughter’s teenage years or it can be one of growing respect and developing friendship, as you both move from the parent-child relationship to the more sophisticated relationship of parent-adult. Watching your daughter blossoming into a young adult, who has her own feelings, thoughts, actions and values, is both daunting and exciting to a parent, but it is important to let her fly and to trust her. At the core of all relationships, especially the parent/daughter one, is open and honest communication. It is crucial to keep the channels of communication open at all times with the aim of developing a long term relationship based on mutual trust.

The importance of family

Girls’ relationships are typically far more complex than those of boys. In general, girls:

• talk more, and unconsciously pass all their thoughts through a powerful emotional filter

• are usually more emotionally manipulative than boys, and have advanced negotiating skills with their parents

• are likely to be ultra-sensitive to any personal comment, particularly during adolescence when their self-confidence can falter

All these factors can converge to make them outstanding managers as adults, but they can also lead to strain within the family relationships as girls grow up.

Your daughter needs to have an individual relationship with each of her parents, or parent-substitutes, whether she normally lives with these individuals or not. If you are an absent parent, use chatty emails or texts; the subtext here is that you still love her unconditionally, despite physical separation. If you live at home with your daughter, you can develop a good relationship with her by ensuring you have regular time just the two of you for relaxed conversation – for example, while doing the washing-up after supper one to one.

A girl generally needs to talk – a lot! Just chatting in an engaged way on a regular basis, from the time speech begins, will get her into the habit of talking things over. This will allow you not only to help with simple things, such as homework – but more importantly, to help steer her emotional growth, as well as to keep things going even when there are difficult times, especially at adolescence. It will enable trust to be built up between you during childhood, and for this to continue after puberty, when family relationships can become strained.

During adolescence, a girl is more likely to take up the values of her peer group than those of her family. Even if it can seem more like simply polite conversation at times, fraught with sensitive areas which must be skirted around, just keep on chatting. This way your daughter will know that, although she seems to be pushing you away, you are still there for her, and that the crucial unconditional love remains as she searches for her own personality and identity. She may often feel very lonely and lost during this stage, and it’s important that she knows she has not lost the secure love of which she was certain in childhood. Remember that in order for her to become an independent, mature adult, she first needs to separate from you.

If things get very bad, or you are worried that she is not in good emotional health, talk it over with your GP or another suitable professional. If your teenage daughter is caught up with others who are not well grounded, or whose family relationships are poor, she may need qualified emotional support – or perhaps a loved and respected grandparent, aunt or godmother can help. She may turn to a teacher or family friend for adult support; if she does, you should not feel you have failed – it is normal.

Our children teach us patience. Our daughters are usually immensely companionable at almost all ages, and while they can be emotionally demanding, they repay it a thousand-fold over time. As adults, should they have children, they will treat their own children as they were treated – generously with love, but with the courage to apply appropriate boundaries at each age, and the ability to defend them as necessary. We model the people our children become. By showing them that we like to spend time with them on a daily basis, we also demonstrate that they are worth everything to us.

Mums and daughters — highs and lows

It starts simply enough – that dear little baby who has stolen your heart. But as she grows up, it all gets more complicated, and your heart melts a bit less when she steals your shoes and your make-up, all the mugs are in her room and she and the car are AWOL.

Maybe she is like you, and maybe not. There is often a unique closeness, as if each seems to see the other as no other can, and they both know it. Over time, the relationship can be quite a rollercoaster, but as well as being the most demanding, it can also be the most rewarding there is. For many women, it is certainly the most important relationship in their lifetime.

The fluency of speech normally developed by girls at a very young age makes possible an exceptional exchange of ideas with their mothers. However, that will include the voicing of negative thoughts as well as deeply affectionate ones. The negotiating power of a 4-year-old girl, especially with her mother, can be astonishingly complex, effective and even manipulative. It can elicit similarly complex responses from the mum, which may not be entirely adult, especially when either or both is tired, as will commonly be the case. More sleep on both sides often cures most problems!

A girl’s mother is her model for life. If you want your daughter to be the best person she can be, you must model the values you wish for her. It helps you to be honest, kind, fair and rational, too, and it gives you the confidence to set appropriate boundaries within which your daughter can operate. After setting these boundaries, you must allow her to negotiate increased freedom over time, and look for reasonably safe ways by which she can become suitably independent, and make her own rules from sensible self-discipline and her own personal wisdom. It helps if you remember this relationship is there for the long term, and that, in time, it will become one of two adults, and later it may well be you who is dependent on her.

During your daughter’s childhood and youth, you should not abdicate responsibility to her just because she is demanding it before she is ready – the grown-ups are supposed to be in control. However, the recognition that even a young girl can make many choices for herself without harm, and that mum should not try to control her daughter, will help both sides to enjoy their lives together as well as separately. A shared sense of humour and confident certainty that all will be well, even though work is required on both sides, will address many eventualities.

It can also help if there is a granny or granny-substitute for you and your daughter to learn from, regarding generational differences and the enduring value of good manners, hard work and respect for others. In time, as the generations move forward, you yourself are likely to be the granny; then, your daughter will suddenly appreciate you all the more. You will have the time to better understand your relationship with your daughter, as she becomes the mum with your granddaughter, and then perhaps sees her own daughter become mum, in her turn.

The changing relationship between mums and daughters

The relationship between mother and daughter is often close until secondary school, when things start to change, and not always in a comfortable way. A larger school, longer journey with more independence, plus the start of puberty, will combine to bring about changes everywhere. You may feel a loss of control for the first time – you will know so much less of your daughter’s school life. The happy child who felt at the top of her tree in Year 6 is suddenly at the bottom of a much larger and more daunting edifice. She will get very tired, very fast. Typically, by the end of that first long term, she will be holding it together at school, but not so successfully at home, and everyone will know it!

You will need to get to know the person named by the school as your daughter’s pastoral carer, and share any worries with them and take their experienced advice. You should try to prepare yourself for a change in your relationship, sensitively offering help at the right time and in the right way, while showing total confidence that your daughter is managing it all very well herself.

Crucially, you must keep speaking with your daughter. This will lay down a structure of support during what is often an even more difficult time ahead. A daily family evening meal keeps things smooth, and can provide an opportunity for regular one to one chats as well. If it’s a school night, it helps if you can ensure that your daughter has a well-organised day. It is a parental responsibility to ensure a pupil gets to school in good time without rushing, is well prepared with all of her schoolwork ready and has eaten breakfast. It is also a parental responsibility to ensure there is a protected time and place for homework, and that she gets to bed early enough to have plenty of sleep, without watching television or using networking sites late at night.

Keeping firm boundaries, while allowing the chance for negotiation of more liberty when appropriate, will keep your daughter secure and confident. Adults must remain in control and model what they want their daughter to do – tell the truth, be open and affectionate, apologise when necessary and keep lines of communication open.

With adolescence comes a pulling away from family, which may carry a great hidden sense of loss of security, and a strong new association with a peer group. This is not a failure of family relationships, but a normal stage of progress. Ideally, an adult is there when your daughter comes home each day, and family values are re-encountered after the heady emotional dramas of school, with family chats over an evening meal. Even during the worst of times of adolescence, a mother is hugely important as a role model and steady rock. It will not always feel like that, but provided there is not a total sense of humour failure, the relationship will, unsteadily, change to one of mutual admiration and support between adults – a source of great contentment on both sides.

Dads — helping your daughter to be the best she can be

Being the dad of a daughter is a great privilege for any man, and it should be a joy. How you treat her and advise her will help to shape her opinion of herself and will affect her relationships with other men during the course of her life. Over the years, fathers invest a great deal in their daughters, but they can sometimes forget that the most important investment of all is time!

Your daughter’s happiness and success, in whatever field, are not mutually exclusive, but they are interdependent. Fathers can contribute greatly to ensuring that home is a secure, nurturing environment where their daughters can make mistakes and even fail occasionally, safe in the knowledge that they will continue to be supported and loved. Therefore, it is important that you make time to support your daughter and do all you can to encourage her to try new activities and seize new opportunities. Give her the confidence to have a go, be it to audition for a part in the school play or to strive for that coveted place on the netball team. Remember, however: it is also important not to impose your own hobbies and interests on your daughter; encourage her to invest time in the activities she is interested in so that she feels ownership of them. If you can discover an interest you both share, it will provide opportunities to deepen your relationship with your daughter; otherwise, get her to teach you about her own interests – you may discover a new interest and will have learnt something from her.

Of course, there will be times when your daughter fails to make the team or is not top of her class; however, this is about your daughter, not you! Avoid direct comparisons with your own ability or school career. Regardless of how well meaning you are, imposing your own academic expectations and choices on to your daughter, or comparing her with a sibling, cousin or colleague’s child, is unlikely to be helpful and can even be hurtful. Instead, support her in setting her own achievable standards and goals.

Praise is inevitably more effective than criticism, especially with girls. Never miss an opportunity to nurture your daughter’s self-esteem; after a setback, provide the loving support that will enable her to pick herself up and rise to meet her next challenge. We sometimes forget that the timing of those important or sensitive conversations can be crucial if there is to be a positive outcome. Just because you happen to be free from life’s pressures momentarily, it might not be the right time for your daughter, so judge this carefully. Take the lead from her; if she wants to discuss something vital to her at 11 pm, try to prop your eyelids open and listen. Do not expect your daughter to tell you everything – there is a subtle difference between dad ‘showing an interest’ and interfering.

Time with your daughter is time well spent, but never forget how important your daughter’s friends also are to her. Take the time to know them well; they are vital to your daughter’s happiness, just like her dad. Celebrate your daughter’s every success with her; after all, you have given her the confidence to throw her hat in the ring and to be the best she can be!

Dads and daughters — your questions answered

Q: My daughter hasn’t achieved the grades she should. As her dad, what can I do to help?

A: It is so important that your daughter does not feel that her lack of success is a disappointment to you and that you do not think any less of her. It might be that she has reached her potential and you are overestimating her ability, or perhaps your daughter is a little too ambitious. Talk to her teachers; they will tell you whether your daughter is working effectively and achieving her full potential or whether there is still more to come. Either way, it is great that you are there to support her as she picks herself up. Make it as easy as possible for her to have another go, but do keep an eye on reality; it may be that your daughter has done exceedingly well and should be congratulated for doing so!

Q: As a family, we have always been open and have brought up our children to not be ashamed of their bodies. Now my teenage daughter wants to lock her bedroom door and locks herself in the bathroom for hours. What’s going on?

A: It is perfectly natural for your daughter to become modest, even secretive, while her body is developing. It will take her time to get used to the changes that are happening, and she is not, and may never be, ready to return to the easy confidence of childhood. She may be particularly shy around you, a male, and it is important that you do not tease or mock her natural modesty; after all, it is something you want her to develop. She may also feel that her bedroom should now become her private space into which she can invite people, including her family, rather than it being ‘invaded’. Respect her wishes unless you have very good reasons to suspect negative motives for wanting this privacy.

Q: My daughter, aged 8, seems to love play-flirting with every man she comes into contact with. Should I be worried?

A: Hopefully not — practising her feminine wiles is one element of growing up. However, you will not wish your daughter only to relate to the opposite sex in a ‘flirty’ way. It is vital that your daughter is encouraged, particularly by her father, to value herself for who she is: her interests, talents and personality, rather than for her physical attributes. If she can learn this from an early age, she will respect herself and make wise choices later. If you are seriously concerned about her behaviour — for instance, if she shows inappropriate knowledge of sexual matters — you should consider talking to your GP about your concerns.

Q: My daughter has always had a good relationship with her mother, but now they are constantly rowing. She and I are getting along really well, but I’m uncomfortable about this friction between the two women in my life.

A: Your final phrase explains it all! Your daughter (probably aged around 14?) is challenging her mother for the ‘alpha female’ role in your household, questioning and testing her in her own quest to work out what sort of woman she herself is going to be. In the process she will also be vying for your attention and testing her female charms en route to womanhood. Not an easy time — but very normal! For each of you, the key to getting through this phase unscathed is for you and your partner to maintain a united front and appropriate boundaries — particularly regarding acceptable behaviour from your hormonal daughter. This is even more important if you are living apart. In this case, you could be tempted to believe everything your (currently) adoring daughter is telling you about her mother’s perceived imperfections. Try to remember that this is just another developmental phase.

Family Issues

Every parent wishes for and strives to give their child a happy, nurturing and secure framework in which she can grow and thrive but inevitably your daughter will encounter setbacks and difficul-ties on her path to adulthood. Failure and loss are part of life and she will need your support as she comes to terms with and learns to assimilate whatever difficulties come her way. Within the family she may have to cope with bereavement or divorce, sibling rivalry or any of the other stresses and strains which are a normal part of life. It is important to separate your emotions from hers and to understand her perspective; to remember than you are the adult, she is the child. Your daughter’s friends may come and go but her family should give her unconditional love and support.

Divorce and separation

The personal relationship between you as a couple may be over. You may be contemplating or have embarked upon separating or divorcing, and yet your role as parents continues.

At this difficult time never forget that your daughter still needs you. The strain of a failing emotional relationship can impact upon yours with your daughter. It is vital that you both continue to communicate clearly with her.

The key messages for parents at this time are:

• neither of you should undermine the other in front of your daughter

• both of you should avoid blaming her for the breakdown of the relationship

• both of you should set up consistent messages about boundaries with each other prior to separation

• both of you should reassure her that while your relationship has failed, your love for her is constant and continuing

Some parents seek the support of a family mediator to facilitate their communication with each other and with their children. A family mediator usually has legal or therapeutic training. They are completely independent, as they do not advise either parent individually. They do not judge the issues or impose solutions. Instead, they are able to work with both parents face to face to help see issues from the viewpoints of each child and to focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past. Mediation can help to manage the practical arrangements associated with children keeping in contact with the parent they no longer live with. While mediation is a confidential and private process, just think what a powerful message you send to your daughter by demonstrating that to sort out difficult issues, the best way is to sit down and talk about them rather than to fight.

If your daughter is having significant problems handling your relationship breakdown, consider finding someone for her to talk to, perhaps a friend of the family or a counsellor. Do keep her school informed of the situation so that her teachers can support her. They will have experience of the potential impact on your daughter and will be able to provide a safe environment for her.

Bereavement

Death is an unavoidable part of life. With death comes loss and grief, anger and disbelief.

Most of us think of bereavement as occurring primarily on the death of a loved one, but there are other kinds of bereavement. These can include difficult situations, such as when parents separate or divorce, when chronic illness becomes a reality in the home, when physical, sexual or emotional abuse is happening to a child, or even when a good friend moves away.

Feelings of bereavement can also happen when seemingly wonderful circumstances cause big changes to children’s lives, such as adoption into a family, the birth of a new sibling, or the arrival of a step-parent.

Be aware that every child will respond to situations of change and loss quite differently. Your daughter may appear to adjust on her own to a significant bereavement such as the loss of a grandparent, or she may be devastated by a seemingly minor loss like the death of a pet.

Although children see loss, death and disaster on television, in films, on the internet and in books and magazines, we tend not to talk to them about the fact of death. Our generation doesn’t ‘do’ death.

The guidance below should help in dealing with bereavement with your daughter. There are some further suggestions for sources of support at the back of this book.

• Never assume that your daughter will react to loss in the same way as you. Don’t think that if she isn’t crying, she isn’t sad. We each have a different way of handling bereavement, and this should be respected. This is particularly important if you are also grieving.

• Don’t feel as though you always need to say something deeply meaningful to her; it’s enough just to be there, simply to listen or to hug her. Laugh with her; give her a chance to rant and rage; sit quietly next to her; let her cry without embarrassment or even cry with her. Ask her what she needs. She will appreciate being asked, even if her response is, ‘I don’t know yet.’ Accept that, and let her know that you’ll still be there when she does.

• Don’t forget to look after yourself while you are looking after your daughter in bereavement, because every carer needs a carer.

• Try to resist saying, ‘I know what you are going through; I understand what you are feeling.’ Although you are trying to sympathise, your daughter is likely to say, ‘No, you don’t understand how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand how I am feeling. And you don’t know what I’m going through.’ And if you get it wrong and say or do something which upsets your daughter, apologise, say sorry and begin again.

A word about pets:

Don’t forget that your daughter’s first brush with deep grief may be the death of a pet. Don’t tell her she can get another kitten, however logical that may seem. Be aware that her bereavement is very similar to the bereavement encountered at the passing of a beloved person.

A word on grieving children attending funerals:

Every family must decide whether to allow a grieving child to attend a funeral. A child may feel real anger if she is prevented from attending a significant funeral ‘for her own good’. Children appreciate ritual; they need a chance to express grief publicly, as well as an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one. Sit down with your child, tell her what happens at a funeral and what she might see and hear at one. Do try, if at all possible, to include your child in the decision-making process of whether or not she should attend.

It is very important to inform your daughter’s school if she suffers any significant loss. Staff will be experienced in supporting grieving children and can offer both of you support and advice. How and what you would like the school to reveal to your daughter’s classmates needs to be carefully considered and will depend on her age.

There is a wealth of material about loss, grief and bereavement in children and young people, including Good Grief: Exploring Feelings, Loss and Death with Under Elevens by Barbara Ward and associates. Other resources on bereavement care can be had by contacting your NHS Trust and specialist groups like Winston’s Wish. Additional useful leaflets and educational documents on childhood bereavement are also available from many local children’s hospices and county bereavement networks.

Bereavement and the role of schools

Every time we hear about the untimely death of a parent or child – for example, the victim of a fatal car accident, a heart attack or the fight lost to a terminal illness – our thoughts are very much with the surviving parent and the children who have lost a mother or father.

We try to imagine the enormity of the loss, of the disappearance of the source of love, of the need to come to terms with the fact that life will never be the same. Some people have a strong extended family; others have a close network of friends who provide emotional and practical support. But in spite of this, understanding and dealing with loss can be a lonely and bewildering business, even for the best-supported individual.

According to Winston’s Wish (a remarkable charity which exists to support children who have lost a parent or a sibling), every 22 minutes a child in Britain is bereaved of a parent. This equates to 24,000 new children each year learning to live with a powerful range of confusing and conflicting emotions. Bottled up, these emotions can have damaging consequences in later life for the individual, their family and society as a whole.

Schools have an important role to play in supporting children who have been bereaved. The familiar routine of school is in itself a consolation to the bereaved child whose life has ceased to be normal. At the same time, teachers and other staff in caring roles, together with friends, need to accept that bereaved children, especially adolescents, will have mood swings and periods during which they challenge the importance of studying, rules and making much of an effort to look neat. This loss of drive and purpose is completely understandable and may also be accompanied by a sense of anger at the sibling or parent who has gone and resentment that they are now ‘different’ from their peers. The challenge for staff is to judge how much and for how long to tolerate sullen or uncooperative behaviour. Great patience and empathy are required when a child has retreated into herself, and these barriers are hard to penetrate. Time, of course, is a healer, but ensuring that a child has grieved with the support of bereavement counselling is incredibly important. Good communication between staff is vital so that, for example, Religious Studies and English teachers are mindful of the sensitivities associated with studying certain topics or texts while being aware that these may provide a helpful vehicle for expressing emotions. On a more practical level, schools are adept at providing additional coaching, from assisting with catch-up work to writing to the examination boards to seek special consideration for their candidate.

Schools also need to support the friends of someone who has experienced bereavement, and on rare but tragic occasions to cope with the death of a current pupil. Friends can be the mainstay of someone’s emergence from grief, their loyalty being a source of hope, but these friends need the discreet support of the pastoral staff in handling their friend and her mood swings. Friends can sometimes be the ones to alert staff to worrying behaviour – for example, bleak thoughts posted on Facebook – but they must also not feel guilty if they need to detach themselves from the bereaved friend and get on with their own lives. They may be more use to her in this way.

When the whole school is involved in a tragedy, staff and pupils will invariably be magnificent in thinking and acting with moving sensitivity, reaching out to the extended family, as well as being resourceful. Depending on the situation, the support needs to extend through the months ahead, and it can be some time before life is back to anything resembling normal. Although no one would ever wish for such tragedies, they can bind together a community, reaffirm our humanity and remind everyone of a school’s role in giving hope, even in the face of grief and adversity.

Sibling rivalry

Children frequently learn about emotions through their relationships with their siblings. Issues of conflict, friendship, social skills and, above all, how to form relationships with others are developed in childhood and can have far-reaching consequences for your daughter throughout her childhood, teenage years and indeed whole life. Sibling rivalry can last into adulthood and can be acted out over and over again in future relationships. Therefore, as parents it is important to consider your actions and how your behaviour impacts upon your daughter and your other children. This is why it is essential for parents to demonstrate consistency within the rules and structure of a family and to avoid favouring any one child.

Noel Janis-Norton, cited in Cassandra Jardine’s How to be a Better Parent, believes that sibling rivalry is natural, and indeed even beneficial, in ensuring that children learn to share, take turns, learn tolerance and know how to handle disagreements. She advises parents not to intervene in sibling squabbles, but to tell children to take their arguments elsewhere and sort out the problem themselves, alongside the basic rule that no throwing is allowed so that nothing can be turned into a weapon of any kind! This may sound like radical advice, but children do need to learn the skills to sort out their own problems and need to learn how to resolve an argument amicably. If an argument becomes too great and there is violence and real aggression, then try doing as schools do – get the children together, with you as a facilitator, and spend some time talking through the disagreement, listening to your children and helping them to listen to each other, resolve the argument and apologise to one another.

As a parent, it is important to make time for each individual child and to give her quality time with you, ideally doing something you both enjoy. If you treat your children as individuals in their own right, they will have less need to compete for your attention with their siblings.

A new sibling

The first child is always the trailblazer, but she is also the one with whom parents first learn how to be parents. New parents are often anxious with their first child and perhaps also a touch overindulgent. It is important to teach your first child to be self-reliant, to learn how to play by herself and how to enjoy her own company. When you know you are going to have a new sibling for your firstborn, ensure that you prepare her for this. Then, once her sibling is born, give your older child even more attention so that she does not feel marginalised.

All siblings need to be treated as individuals and have their different temperaments recognised and appreciated. Older siblings will often take on the role of the teacher/helper. An older sister can often be bossier than her siblings and enjoys telling her younger brothers and/or sisters what to do. She may continue this role into later life.

The second child is less likely to get as much attention as the first and has to adapt more readily to her role as the additional child within the family. This tends to mean that the second child can be more amenable and tolerant than the older sibling. She has to fit in with the already established routines of the family and she also learns very early on that there is another child with needs and requirements.

The rules around consistency are key here. It is imperative that you ensure your daughter knows which behaviour is acceptable and which behaviour is not and that you are firm and clear about this. For example, if your toddler bites her new sibling, you may choose to punish her by giving her a ‘time out’ on the naughty step. However, older toddlers may like to be helpful and can be keen to assist by bringing you things to help you with the baby. Do ensure that you make time for both your children – for example, while feeding the new baby, you could read a story to your toddler. There are many books on this subject (e.g. New Toddler Taming, by Christopher Green) and your health visitor can also offer useful advice.

Try to continue to give quality time to each of your children. It is hard work, and some quality time for the adults doesn’t go amiss either.

Older children

As your children grow older and reach school age, family patterns can become even more entrenched. The squabbles and fights between children will continue and can be over all sorts of things: television watching, toy ownership or whose turn it is to use the computer. As the parent, you must ensure that the rules are clear to the children – rules about bedtime, television watching and computer access – and you must ensure that your sanctions are consistent. Work with your partner so that the children know not to play you off against one another. Children will cleverly look for any chinks in their parents’ armour – unite with your partner so that the children know that the adults remain in charge.

Younger children often mimic older ones. So, for example, in a family with more than two children, where there are teenagers beginning to push the boundaries, with different rules because of their ages, a younger sibling may begin to feel that she, too, should be allowed to do the same. As a parent, you need to make it clear that the older children have privileges because of their ages, and that she has different rules.

Your children are all different from one another and you need to celebrate those differences while maintaining harmony within the family. Simple in theory, but in practice, there will be arguments, fights and jealousies and these are part of normal family life. Consistency at all times and quality time for each individual child are essential.

Consistency and communication

As in any relationship – parent to child or parent to parent – of key concern is communication. Parents need always to maintain communication with their children as well as with one another. Parents need to try to remain impartial when there is sibling conflict, while retaining sensitivity to the needs of each individual child. They also need to be aware that the dynamic within the nuclear family affects each relationship within it as well as all the relationships that will stem from it in the future.

Struggling?

There are numerous ways in which you can gain extra help or support with your children. Your first port of call is likely to be your partner, parents or close friends. Do talk to them and ask for advice. Also, read widely, talk to your friends with children of a similar age and scour websites, such as www.MyDaughter. co.uk or www.Mumsnet.com. Perhaps attend a parenting class if you are finding parenting difficult. Finally, if you find that sibling rivalry within your family is having a detrimental impact on you all, ask your GP to refer you to a family therapist for some help and support.

Although relationships between siblings can be complex, they can also be incredibly rewarding and supportive. Siblings can form a close bond and develop friendships that last a lifetime. Hopefully your children will be able to form positive and happy relationships with their siblings, in turn enabling them to develop secure, warm and fulfilling relationships with others in the future.

The role of grandparents

The role of grandparents in your daughter’s life cannot be underestimated. A grandparent – and often the grandmother, in the case of a daughter – can be a crucial support for both daughters and mothers, as she straddles both generations and can be a useful provider of both wisdom and experience.

At various stages in your daughter’s life, grandparents can take on a significant role. Today, it is relatively common for grandparents to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives from an early age, as grandparents are asked by their daughters to take on childcare responsibilities, instead of resorting to a nanny or daycare. Although this can be exhausting for the grandparents, it can also bring huge rewards. This set-up also provides a continuity of childcare throughout the generations as well as the passing on of a similar value system and moral code. A close relationship is forged between the child and the grandparent during the child’s formative years, and this bond lasts a lifetime.

As your daughter grows up, grandparents can offer advice and support to you as a parent on the challenges of parenting, especially during the teenage years. It is also helpful as a parent to be reminded of your own teenage behaviour once upon a time! Girls can call on their grandmothers for advice about any number of things – from asking questions about various homework assignments, to calling up to chat about issues that they do not necessarily want to discuss with their own parent. A grandparent can offer a more objective voice at times and will often back up the parent in a subtle and supportive way.

In an ideal world, it is recommended that you try to ensure your daughter spends regular and quality time with her grandparents. The grandparent–grandchild relationship is an especially precious one and it should be nurtured and developed into a mutually rewarding experience for all parties concerned.

Tricky situations

Separation

In the case of a recent separation or divorce between two parents, your daughter is often suffering greatly and she cannot always understand the problems of an adult world. At this time, grandparents can step in and offer valuable additional support, as well as the provision of another place where your daughter can feel safe and secure. Encourage your daughter to turn to her grandparents when necessary; allow her to simply be a grandchild, to feel loved and occasionally spoilt; and let her know there is somewhere else where she can go and process her emotions. If you are going through a marital break-up as a parent, do allow your own parents to support you and your children. Their support for the whole family cannot be underestimated. Swallow your pride and allow them to take on this role for all of you. Your parents love you, just as you love your own children, and they will do their utmost to help you through the most difficult of situations.

Difficult grandparents

The world is made up of very different people with different expectations and value systems. Sometimes, your child’s grandparents do not share your views on life and parenting techniques. This can occasionally be the case with the ‘in-laws’, but it is important to try to forge a relationship with your child’s grandparents, even if they are difficult. Establish ground rules as early as you can and try to stick to them. For example, try to set up a monthly visit to allow them to see their grandchildren. You can decide where and when you should meet. Try to agree on a set of rules regarding your parenting rules and theirs.

If there are difficulties with your in-laws, do discuss this with your partner as sensitively as you can so that you both work together for the benefit of your children. However, if you find that the visits are unbearable, try to seek some professional help– for example, from a family therapist – to see whether you can facilitate some regular contact for the sake of your children. As your children grow older, you don’t want them to criticise you as a parent for depriving them of their grandparents; equally, as your children grow into their teenage years and beyond, they will begin to be able to make their own decisions about whether they want to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Geography

Gone are the days when extended families lived close together, and distance can make the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren very complicated. If your daughter’s grandparents live far away, encourage them to maintain regular contact by telephone, email or even Skype or Facebook! Your daughter can teach her grandparents to work out the new technologies – just as a 10-year-old girl can teach her 70-year-old grandmother to text!

As with all long-distance relationships, when your child’s grandparents live far away, the time spent together is often intense due to the infrequency of the visits. Do make allowances for the visiting grandparents and try to make the visits as enjoyable as possible. Research local activities in your area, find out what is on at the cinema and save up some enjoyable outings to do together whenever a visit comes up. In this way, both parties can look forward to the visit with excitement.

As your daughter grows up, try to develop a relationship in which she can spend quality time with her grandparents, such as a weekend away. In addition to a lovely time between granddaughter and grandparents, this also provides the additional perk of some much needed respite for the parents!

Working grandparents

Many grandparents still work full time, which means that their time is limited and they may not be able to take on the additional responsibilities of looking after grandchildren. It is important to respect working grandparents and not to assume that they are available at your beck and call. They have done their childrearing and they are not obliged to do it a second time around! Most working grandparents will be amenable to being the ‘back-up’ and will welcome quality time with their grandchildren, but on their own terms. Remember, what is crucial in all relationships is the need to communicate clearly and to be respectful of one another.

Family Life and Homework

Maintaining happy families – how to avoid the homework fights

From her very first reading book to her A level essays, your daughter will have work to do at home. But how best to help her without it becoming the all too familiar burden that can blight the whole family’s evenings and weekends? Bearing in mind that perhaps your daughter may have a long journey to school, she needs to eat and have time for other interests and the opportunity to ‘flop’ – and there are family commitments that need to be fitted in. How can you make homework work for both her and you?

As with many situations as a parent, you need to perform a balancing act – to be supportive but not to interfere! Here are some tips to help keep you on track:

• Remember, each of us works differently. Some like to get work out of the way and then relax, others work better if they’ve relaxed first. If your daughter is one of the latter, no amount of nagging will get her to work efficiently before she’s had a chance to relax.

• Ensure she has an appropriate place to work – and, yes, curled up on the sofa with the television on in the background may be fine for some work, as may an MP3 player.

• Ensure she has some time each evening to relax, and time during the week for other activities apart from homework.

• Show an interest and offer to help if she wants you to.

• Don’t insist on checking her work and giving unasked-for advice on improving it.

• Don’t do it for her. If she’s really struggling, it’s better to discuss with her when she can see the relevant teacher, preferably before the deadline to hand it in.

Be particularly careful with work for public examinations. Exam boards will penalise a candidate severely if they think the work is not their own.

Try to prevent homework becoming a battleground, as this might ultimately harm the relationship between you and your daughter. If you find that your daughter really isn’t coping with homework, then talk to the school. As much as you, they want her to be able to achieve her best, and homework is an integral part of that.

Thoughts from a Head — stop bashing parents . . .

Being a parent has to be the hardest job in the world. A Head Teacher was struck by a comment from a parent who pointed out that when you are at work, you have regular feedback about the job you’re doing — a review with a line manager, a pat on the back for a task well done, even a bonus in the good old days. But a parent gets very little in terms of positive reinforcement, and listening to the news can suggest that all of society’s ills can be laid at the parents’ door.

While it can be the hardest job in the world, it can also be one of the most joyful and rewarding. Parenting can certainly be made easier if schools and parents work together in the best interests of the children, and this is something at which many schools are adept.

It is the dual responsibility of parents and schools to ensure that children are properly prepared for life, encouraged to achieve their best inside the classroom and outside it and taught to develop a healthy sense of social responsibility. This will involve instilling in young people a conviction that they should do the right thing because it is the right thing, rather than in hope of reward or out of fear of punishment. We want our children to aim for a life well lived, involving sensitivity to and care for others (rather than a pure focus on self), speaking out against bullying in all its forms and showing disapproval of blatant injustice or prejudice.

There are many ways in which schools and parents can work in concert to ensure that the children at the heart of this relationship receive the support and guidance they need to be their best, during their years at school and in their lives beyond. Good schools and responsible parents provide young people with a secure framework within which to make their own choices and decisions, as well as their own mistakes. We know we cannot live children’s lives for them. We cannot prevent them from occasionally getting it wrong, and it can be disheartening for parents to see their children making the same mistakes that they themselves made. But these are their mistakes to make, painful though that might be, and a loving parent has to help their offspring deal with the disappointment of such experiences and move forward. Parents cannot be held responsible for the unwise choices their children may sometimes make.

A school governor suggested that, in a sense, we erect scaffolding around our children, but, as they grow older, we need to begin to dismantle it. By the time they are 18 and about to leave home for university or join the world of work, they should be standing tall and secure without the degree of structured support they may have needed when they were younger. They may find that they are now living independently and caring for themselves without parents on hand and without the monitoring and guidance they will have received at school. They will need to be sufficiently organised, motivated and self-disciplined so that they can pace their work and get the balance right. Some may be tempted to work too hard; more will be tempted not to work hard enough. By this stage, schools and parents together should have equipped them with the skills they will need not only to survive, but also to flourish in their new state of independence.

So how can we work together to provide the framework and to give the girls and boys in our schools the tools they need to do the job? Firstly, we need recognition that education, in its widest sense, is the job of all of us. It is naive and misleading to suggest that schools educate academically and parents instil moral values. It is impossible to see education in a narrow sense as somehow divorced from moral values. Schools and parents need to work together to ensure these young people live well, achieving their best within the classroom and outside it and developing a healthy sense of social responsibility.

Secondly, parents need to ensure that their children are able to take responsibility, including for those things they get wrong. If your son or daughter is in trouble at school, leaping to their defence isn’t necessarily in their best interests, however comforting it might feel. If a child has made an unwise choice, working with the school to give clear messages and to ensure that your son or daughter knows where the parameters are (and which boundaries they have crossed) will help them far more than being ‘in their corner’. With a truculent teenager at home, it seems like too good an opportunity to miss being on their side against the perceived common enemy at school. A Deputy Head reported an incident of dealing with a girl who was suspected of being responsible for writing graffiti in a school toilet. The father waded in, outraged that his daughter would ever be accused of doing such a thing. It took the wind out of his sails somewhat when the Deputy Head told him that she had openly admitted she had done it before he arrived.

Returning to the comment of the parent who yearned for positive feedback on her parenting, this is something that Heads quite frequently offer. When we sit down together to discuss a particular issue, especially if the parent is trying to set boundaries and meeting resistance, Heads will quite often say, ‘You are doing the right things.’ It is important to tell parents not to apologise for caring about and worrying about their children, even when this occasionally makes them overly passionate. Parents are encouraged to be strong, to appreciate that, despite the resistance, children do want and need boundaries, as boundaries reassure them that they are loved. And, of great importance — Heads try very hard not to bash the parents. We are all on the same side — which is, of course, the children’s.

Family Q&A

Fraught families – keep talking . . .

Q: My 12-year-old daughter had a terrible row with my mother-in-law (her grandmother) a month ago and said some terrible things, calling her names, etc. She is going through a bad time: her father and I have recently separated and she had some friendship issues at school. Her grandmother now doesn’t want anything to do with her and has written a letter criticising my parenting. What should I do — just let the dust settle or write back?

A: It’s important to keep communicating, even when relationships are not going smoothly. Try writing to your mother-in-law, apologising on behalf of your daughter and explaining how difficult she is finding your recent separation. Then you could say how sorry you are that she doesn’t want to see her granddaughter at the moment. Emphasise the importance of a grandparent’s role, particularly when parents are separating, and remind her of how awkward teenagers can be, even at the best of times. Finally, state that, of course, you will respect her wishes but will welcome her back when she feels the time is right, wishing her well in the meantime.

Q: My partner and I are going through a difficult patch but are trying to protect our daughter from any effects of our dispute. Is this possible?

A: Parents’ individual problems can influence the dynamic within a family, and a child can often ‘act out’ when the conflict gets too much. So, for example, it is often the case that younger siblings will mimic parents’ arguments, using the same language and tone of voice, and often will be physically aggressive with one another to express their frustrations. Your older daughter may start to develop faddy eating habits or perhaps begin to self-harm. All these are examples of ways in which children will aim to divert attention away from the arguing parents and instead become the focus of the attention themselves. Teenagers will often do this subconsciously as a way of ensuring that their parents will have to come together, even if only to talk about the troubled teenager.

Do not underestimate the effect of what you do as parents and how this can impact upon your daughter and your other children. Children are very sensitive to arguments, and they pick up on conflict in relationships and may act this out within their play or with their friends. For example, if your daughter starts having complex friendship issues with her school friends, perhaps think of what could be happening at home that is upsetting and unsettling her.

Above all, keep the lines of communication open both with your children and with each other, and don’t be afraid to turn to external sources for help. There are some listed in the back of this book.

Q: How do I keep the channels of communication open without my daughter thinking I am neurotic?

A: It is important that your daughter knows how to communicate with you and for you to know the best ways in which to communicate with her. Talk to your daughter about what she would prefer — whether you should check in with her in person, by phone or by text. Try to do it in an unobtrusive way, but remind her that you are checking up on her as you are concerned about her personal wellbeing and safety. It may also be useful to have the mobile phone numbers of some of her friends so you can drop them a brief text if you are unable to get hold of your daughter. However, be careful only to use these numbers in an emergency.

Q: Why is my daughter always so horrible to me, yet can wrap her father around her little finger?

A: The relationship between mothers and daughters is probably both the most fruitful and the most fraught there is. The daughter often overidentifies with the mother and feelings of hate and love are frequently intertwined. The mother is fully aware of the perils and pitfalls that may occur during her daughter’s teenage years and she feels deeply protective of her. A father, on the other hand, sees his beautiful daughter emerging and is charmed by her. Both parents (whether living together or apart) should agree ground rules for their daughter (and, of course, other children) and stick to them. Giving a daughter a consistent message and setting realistic boundaries is vital and she will thank her parents for it.

Q: How do I handle my daughter’s mood swings?

A: Show an interest in your daughter’s schooling, friends and hobbies, but not to the extent of smothering her. Communication is vital; spend time listening to her and try to be flexible over some things and aim to avoid confrontation. If she continues to shout and rant and rave, try not to shout back; remember, you are the adult in the situation, even if your daughter knows how to push all your buttons. Walk away if you can and try to restart the conversation when you are both calm. Try to think of teenage tantrums in the same way as toddler tantrums, as this may make it easier.

Q: What boundaries should I set for my daughters regarding curfew/time to be home at night?

A: Teenagers need boundaries. They may not like being told to be home by a certain time, but as responsible parents you are showing that you care, and ultimately your teenager will value this and feel secure. Agree a time and then ask her to text you so that you know she is on her way home. This is less intrusive than a phone call, but can be equally reassuring. If your daughter is travelling by public transport, ensure that she is with others, even if this means a couple of additional teenagers staying over for the night. Alternatively, agree where and when you will collect her, and make sure that you are always there on time. Try to ensure that you are discreet when you pick her up. Don’t cross-examine her about her evening; wait and allow her to tell you what she has been up to. If possible, it is helpful to do a rota with some of your daughter’s friends’ parents, as this takes the pressure away from you.

Q: How do I know if I should trust my daughter when she tells me where and who she is going out with?

A: You have to build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. You need to be aware that trust has as much to do with your relationship with your daughter as it does with her behaviour. When extending trust, you need to make it clear that when giving it, you require the truth. Your daughter needs to know for certain that you can survive the truth — even if it is occasionally ugly — and that so can she. Talking to her regularly about concerns regarding school work, friends, social situations and potential pitfalls lets your daughter know where you stand and why. All relationships in life are predicated on trust and honesty. Your daughter needs to know that actions have consequences, but if she is honest, your relationship will survive.

Q: How do I respond when my daughter tells me the ‘ugly truth’?

A: If your daughter has the guts to tell you at the age of 13 that, for example, she got drunk at a party, the fact she has told you means that she has been frightened by this and is asking for your support to help her make better decisions. It may not feel like this at the time, but if you severely punish her, then why would she continue to confide in you? You need to help your daughter move on from unfortunate incidents and ensure that she knows how to be safe and secure the next time. It isn’t easy; but if you keep the doors of communication open, she will confide in you. Always remember that you are instilling in your daughter a moral code for her future. If your daughter tells you that she thinks she may be pregnant, take a deep breath and remember that she has told you because she wants you to help her. Take her to the doctor and try to support her through the situation.

Friends

Girls’ friendships can be lifelong and your daughter is likely to need your help and guidance as she acquires the skills necessary to form healthy friendships. She may have to deal with bullies or with over-intense relationships, with jealousy, rivalry and perhaps betrayal. As she grows up her peer group will become increasingly influential and you will want to help her maintain her personal integrity while integrating with her group. Your daughter’s friendships will shape her identity, affirm her sense of worth and will also affect the sort of young woman she grows into. But they are also the source of great joy, strength and, above all, fun!

Best friends for ever

From a young age, girls start to develop friendships, and their importance grows as they get older. As with family relationships, they are usually multi-layered, very complex and heavily charged with powerful emotions.

Girls typically talk – and talk and talk. They can end up talking about each other, and this can translate to ‘bitchiness’. This is all the more distressing when carried out by text or email, and your daughter needs to learn not to get involved in such things, and to only talk about others if it is kind, true and necessary (or at least two of these things).

In general, friendships are especially important for identity-development during adolescence, and group-loyalty can be extreme. Girls’ friendships can be lifelong, and can be even closer than those of sisters. For the most part, these friendships develop through communication, shared experience and the development of loyalty.

Loyalty to friends can be paramount, and when a friend is disloyal, it can be the sudden and immediate end of that relationship, with no second chance. This may seem extreme to us as parents, but the point works both ways, and the needs of a friend may trump any obligations within a family, for fear of being seen as disloyal.

Typically, there comes a stage in many girls’ lives when they have, or would like to have, a close best friend, to whom they appear completely joined, emotionally. Lovely though this can be, it can exclude the development of other friendships, leaving a girl exposed to immense emotional loss should the friendship founder, as it probably will at some point. You may become aware that your daughter is being harmed by a manipulative and emotionally needy friend, and it can take skilled conversations over a period of time to help your daughter retain the friendship at a less deep level. This will help her to tell the friend that she still likes her and enjoys her company, but she retains her own identity and self-authority so will not always do what her friend wants. This may strengthen the healthy side of the friendship, or it may cause it to fade.

Top tips:

• Get to know the families of your daughter’s close friends. If a school has receptions or parents’ meetings, it is worth seeking out the parents of your daughters’ friends; you will be glad of each other’s support with respect to behavioural guidelines as your daughters travel through adolescence together, but even before that, play-dates, birthday parties and shared lifts are appreciated on both sides.

• If your daughter finds it difficult to make friends for any reason, tell her teacher, and ask for ideas as to what you can do, and what the school can do, to help her in this. If it is not successful, you may find that you have to arrange social gatherings with other families so at least your daughter knows other children or young people. Some girls do find it hard to make friends and may not achieve it easily until the sixth form, if that. For more on this, read ‘My daughter doesn’t have any friends’, also in this section.

• Most parents encourage their daughter’s friends to visit. If taken on holiday, however, you may find a week can sometimes be as much as girls’ friendships can cope with.

• Encourage your daughter to have several good friendships, even if there is one special friend.

• Enjoy your daughter’s friendships – for many parents, one of the great unsung joys of parenthood is getting to know their daughter’s friends, right into adulthood.

When friendships go wrong

Why are friendships so important to girls – and why is it the end of the world when they go wrong?

Most girls want to have friends – someone to share secrets with, who looks out for them each morning and who’ll miss them when they’re absent. But, beyond that, your daughter’s choice of friends says a great deal about her, both to her and to others.

Alongside how she dresses, her choice of friends is a large part of the image she wants to portray – she’s popular, part of the ‘in-crowd’. In short, she’s worth knowing. And here’s the proof: other girls like her, and the ‘cooler’ they are, the greater her standing in the wider social group.

Within the group, it’s a safe place for her to try out ideas and opinions. It builds her confidence to know that her friends agree with her, be it about world issues or that must-have shade of nail varnish. There’s also a lot of sharing of concerns. Worries about health, parents, boys, exams – all are shared, and frequently in great detail, with friends often sworn to secrecy. And because, for many girls, the need to belong is so strong, their groups tend to become exclusive and, although they may be friendly towards other girls, there are often very clear boundaries between friendship groups.

So, when it goes wrong, it is the end of the world for your daughter because now she’s lost part of her identity, she’s lost her place in the social order and her support structure for her ideas. Those shared secrets are now regretted. The former friends know everything about her. Now that the bond is broken, they might tell. Worse, they might be laughing at her. And the fact that she’s been part of an exclusive group means that it’s harder to join a new group, at least for a while.

So, when the worst happens, how can you help your daughter through the experience?

• Don’t underestimate how important this is to her. It is the end of her world, as she knows it.

• Let her know you understand that – and how hurt she feels – and be prepared for her to show real grief over the loss.

• Ask her if she thinks there’s any way back. Did she upset them in some way? Does she need to see if she can put that right? What would be the best way to do that?

If the distress is extreme or prolonged, it’s worth letting someone at school know – perhaps her form tutor or Head of House or Head of Year. It may be appropriate for them to get involved but, if nothing else, they can offer support as she finds her way through.

Do resist the temptation to contact the parents of the other girls involved – unless she has asked you to and you’re offering an olive branch on her behalf. One more layer of involvement usually makes it even harder for the girls to work things out themselves. And afterwards, whether or not the friendship is restored, take the opportunity to speak with your daughter and to help her to learn from the experience. Those lessons will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life.

My daughter doesn’t have any friends

Seeing your daughter unhappy because she doesn’t have friends is heart-rending as you watch her confidence ebb away and send her off to school each day after the enforced cheerfulness of breakfast.

How can you best support her?

• Acknowledge that not having friends at school is tough. Don’t be dismissive of how she feels and, if appropriate, share your own experiences with her – most of us can think of times when we felt we didn’t ‘belong’.

• If she has friends outside of school, make sure she has plenty of contact with them so that she knows she has people who like and accept her.

• Talk to her about her day at school. Which times are the most difficult? Before school? Breaks? Lunchtimes?

Offer some practical suggestions:

• If being in the form room before school means everyone else is chatting in groups, where else could she go? The library? Another room? Can she make sure she’s got something to do so she’s keeping herself busy?

• At breaks and lunchtimes, what clubs or extracurricular activities could she go to? Art club? Spanish club? Table tennis? She may claim not to know what’s on offer and you may need to contact the school to get the details but, if she can find something to do for most lunchtimes, it will help fill that lonely void between lunch and the start of afternoon school – and she might find a like-minded friend.

• Are there any opportunities for her to help other pupils? Listening to younger ones read? Helping to coach sports? Helping in the library?

• Can she get involved with a drama production? Volunteering to help backstage if not actually performing, or handing out programmes?

• Can she identify any other girls who seem to be by themselves? They could agree to meet up at break. They may not become close friends, but there’s comfort in having the arrangement.

• Are there any new girls who seem to be on their own and might like someone to help them settle in?

As a parent, the real difficulty is that your daughter’s confidence is likely to be very low. She may find making the kind of approaches mentioned above too difficult and may just say no to anything you suggest, not least because she’s afraid of failing again.

If you’ve reached that stage, you probably need to speak with the school, specifically with one of the staff in charge of pastoral care. They are best placed to quietly help your daughter in school and they can unobtrusively arrange things for her to be involved in. Hopefully, her confidence will then increase and she’ll be able to make friends for herself.

Friendship Q&A

No way to treat a friend

Q: My 12 year old daughter has a group of friends, and at the moment when she walks up to meet them (at break, for example), they giggle and run off. Two of these ‘friends’ usually get the school bus home with her but lately are getting a different bus and not telling her. I just do not know how to help. She is not a giggly, silly girl but her friends are; I don’t think she joins in when they are being silly. She has told me that sometimes she finds them a bit boring but obviously wants to be part of the group. She is a bright girl and does want to do well, but sadly this is not seen as ‘cool’. She says she does not understand why they run off, as ‘it’s no way to treat a friend’. Can you offer any advice? Children spend a lot of time at school and I hate to think of her being unhappy.

A: This situation is very common indeed. In each year group in every school, there will be girls who exert their in uence by controlling who can and cannot be part of their group. This is agony for girls in Years 7, 8 and 9 and needs help and intervention. In each year group, there will be quite a large number of girls who wish to be ‘cool’ and belong to this type of friendship group. However, there will be others who are sensible, kind and caring and just want to get on with their work and activities. Your daughter needs to join a group of more similar-minded girls. This might be helped by joining in with some new extracurricular activities or finding different places to sit in class and at lunchtimes.

You may need to ask for the help of your daughter’s Head of Year or tutor who should talk to the girls involved and explain that this behaviour is unacceptable. If you are not happy with the outcome, go to a member of the senior leadership team. If change is to happen, adult intervention will be needed. In addition, your daughter may need your help to stand up to the girls and tell them that their behaviour is unpleasant. You might suggest what she could say the next time they ignore her.

She’s my best friend, but am I hers?

Q: My 14-year-old daughter likes school, but she seems generally unhappy and I think it is to do with problems she has being accepted by some of the other girls. She has a best friend and they do things together, but the friend is very popular and gets invited to lots of parties and sleepovers by other girls while my daughter never seems to get invited. She says she hates it when they are all talking any advice? Children spend a lot of time at school and I hate to think of her being unhappy. about what they did the night before and she wasn’t there and she thinks they do it deliberately to spite her. Do you think there is anything I or her teachers could do about it without showing her up in front of others?

A: Girls’ friendships are crucial to their sense of themselves, their con dence and their wellbeing. When friendships are not going well, every other aspect of their lives can be affected. Some girls have the happy knack of making friends easily; others need support and guidance on how to gain, nurture and keep friends, as well as how to be a good friend. This is where you, as her mother, can offer your own experiences.

From what you say, your daughter knows how to make and grow one special friendship but has not yet appreciated that having a wider circle is healthier. This is most probably why she feels that these other girls are deliberately excluding and mocking her. It’s far more likely that they are simply being thoughtless rather than that they are trying to make her unhappy.

The problem is that, just as you cannot force children to eat, you cannot force them to be friends. As her mother, what you can do to aid your unhappy daughter is to help her to develop strategies for surviving disappointment and for making a wider range of friends. It is dangerous for her to be so dependent on just one friend. As people grow up, they evolve and change, so having lots of friends is safer. After all, your daughter may not always want to be close to her current ‘best friend’, even if she cannot imagine such a situation right now. Has your daughter tried asking a wider group of girls to join her in an activity? Has she quietly asked her friend why she is not being invited on these sleepovers?

Ask her to try both these strategies, as well as encouraging her to develop new interests, perhaps ones that her friend doesn’t have, so that she can meet a whole new set of potential friends. If she is still feeling isolated, try contacting her form teacher to ascertain whether she appears to be isolated at school. If so, her school should be able to suggest further strategies for you both. Nobody would claim that the teenage years are easy; good friendships can really help.

My daughter’s best friend is too clingy

Q: My 10-year-old daughter has had a best friend for over a year now. However, she is starting to find her a bit clingy. She still likes her but she wants to spread her wings a bit and is not sure how to do this without upsetting her. Any advice?

A: The intensity of ‘best friendships’ can be a double-edged sword — a source of tremendous happiness, but also the cause of real anxiety when things cool off a bit, or the two friends mature at different rates, and therefore begin to want different things. Quite understandably, your daughter wants to be really kind in separating a bit, and it would certainly be kinder if the impetus for this separation isn’t seen as coming from her. You can do a lot to help mastermind this, and she will bene t from your help. Start looking at times when they meet outside school and think about cutting these down. There may be all sorts of reasons that you can find to need your daughter at home more, or out with you more often. If your daughter is able to say to her friend, for example, that she is sorry she can’t see her after school on Thursdays now because you want her to do some-thing else, then you will start to break the dependence. Talk to your daughter’s school as well, as they will be able, unobtrusively, to engineer things so that your daughter and her friend are not always together, and are put in different groups and perhaps do different activities, so that they spend more and more time with others. Together, these strategies, with everyone working diplomatically in the background, will ease their separation and yet should mean that they can remain really good friends — the ideal outcome.

Why does my daughter sabotage her friendships?

Q: Since my daughter was a little girl (she is an only child), she has been in constant ghts with her friends. As a result, she is now 15 and has no friends. Her pattern is to make a friend and after a few months there are always comments such as ‘My friend is not very nice’ or ‘She did this or that.’ An argument then occurs, and after she leaves this friend, or they leave her, my daughter goes on to another friend and so on. I have talked to her on many occasions about this. We have moved countries often, but I have always tried to make her feel secure. Is it because she feels insecure that she sabotages her friendships?

A: One of the hardest things about friendships is learning that other people rarely do exactly what we want them to do. When we were little, our world revolved around us, and we played with toys that stayed where we put them and acted as we wanted them to act. Real-life friends are much more interesting, but also very much more their own people. Until we realise that our friends are not just toys, or extensions of ourselves, and until we accept that there must be lots of tolerance and negotiation in any friendship, then we never really make lasting friendships. It sounds very much as though your daughter is still caught in a more immature approach to friendship — not because she feels insecure, but because she just hasn’t yet learnt the value of not being able to control other people, but just accepting them for who they are. She may be a perfectionist — not at all uncommon! — and she would bene t from realising that imperfection is sometimes much better than perfection, certainly when it comes to relationships with other human beings. It is worth you speaking to her in these terms, showing her that you understand, and if you have any ‘wise mentors’ around to whom you think she might listen (e.g. your friends, aunts, her teachers and tutors and other parents — possibly even a counsellor), then talk to them and see if they can help you to reinforce these messages. You all want her to be happy, and friendships most de nitely will be a part of this happiness, when she learns to ‘live and let live’.

Friendships with boys

Q: My daughter is moving to an all-girls’ school in September, but I am worried about how she will retain her friendships with boys or create new ones as she gets older. She doesn’t have a brother and I don’t want her to become awkward around boys as she hits adolescence. Any ideas?

A: On a practical level, both you as a parent and your daughter’s school can, and should, create opportunities for natural friendships to occur. If your daughter’s school has a ‘friendly brother school’, then these opportunities are part of the natural pattern of a school: music, drama, Combined Cadet Force, careers events, etc. all provide the natural openings for friendships to develop.

At home, you can also help by ensuring that activities are not just girl-friendly — for example, badminton or tennis clubs, drama groups and orchestras — and holidays could involve activities with others: adventure holidays, skiing, camping, etc.

If we teach our girls to be con dent and self-assured, they should be able to create and maintain healthy relationships with anyone they come into contact with later in life. Of girls who attended all-girls’ schools or mixed schools, with and without brothers, it is their inherent character that dictates how they will handle relationships — all we can do is give them the experiences that will teach them how to develop.

Sexual relationships

Your daughter will face unprecedented pressures as she enters her teenage years – to conform and to compete – and the advice you give her and the example you set her will be crucial. Raising girls in today’s world can seem a daunting prospect. Unsuitable role models, media obsessed with sex and size . . . no wonder your daughter feels under pressure. While every parent would like to shelter their daughter from too much knowledge and experience too soon, it is just not possible to protect her forever. You will want your daughter to make informed decisions and to take care of herself. Although sex is an emotive, sensitive and potentially embarrassing subject it is important that your daughter can turn to you for information and advice.

Sex education by the wised-up parent

When Wet Wet Wet sang ‘Love Is All Around’, they probably meant not love but sex. Yes, it’s everywhere – TV, films, magazines, adverts, music, newspapers, novels, the internet – there’s hardly any escaping it, and most of it is aimed at the teenage market.

Sex is so flaunted, it can’t be a surprise to anyone that many bright youngsters are keen to try it out as quickly as is reasonably possible. When Mae West said of men, ‘I feel like a million, but one at a time’, she was regarded as very ‘outré’. In the 21st century, there’s no need to snigger at the double entendre. It’s all out there, from the casual acceptance of frequent one-night stands in Friends, to the full frontal nudity of Sex and the City (actually rated 15, but the film treat of choice for many 12 to 14 year olds’ birthday parties on its release).

A striking feature of even the most intelligent teenagers is their inability to foresee consequences. So what can the concerned parent do to help them handle the immense pressure to want too much too young? It’s not easy, without nagging or sounding like the harbinger of doom, but that old chestnut of ‘keeping the lines of communication open’ really is the answer:

• Watch their soaps with them and give your opinion, then listen honestly to theirs.

• Check that they really do have proper information – what did the school nurse say about contraception in Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE)?

• What can your daughter tell you about sexually transmitted infections? (There are lots of new ones since most parents were young. Let your daughter be the expert in giving you that information.)

Tell them about some of your anonymous friends’ experiences. Was X’s abortion really painless and hassle-free? How did your colleague cope with the news that she had chlamydia, or worse? The papers are full of stories about ‘love cheats’, but how did that feel when it happened to you?

Let them know why and when you are worried. Sex was designed by nature to produce babies. Pleasing a current boyfriend is one thing; raising his child for the next 20 years is quite another. On the other hand, pelvic inflammatory disease can lead to infertility, and no babies at all, ever, can be devastating.

Don’t sit down for a two-hour ‘birds and bees’ session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can and your daughter will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues that might well be worrying her too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom she doesn’t have to impress. You will never stop her having sex but if she can keep you in the loop, it is much more likely to be safer and more at a time when she’s ready than it might otherwise be.

What should I be telling my daughter about sex, and when?

The recent debate about sex education and what should/shouldn’t be taught in schools, including the discussion about how much choice faith schools should have in what they teach, may have struck a chord with parents who are themselves debating what they should be talking to their daughters about, and when.

Sex and relationships education is recognised as one of the trickiest subjects for parents to broach. A 2009 survey commissioned by the Girls’ Schools Association entitled ‘How Well Do You Know your Daughter?’ identified that across the sample of the 1,000 parents of girls who responded, sex education was the most difficult topic of conversation of all. Nevertheless, most of us will recognise that nothing is as dangerous as ignorance, and failing to address the subject, or leaving it too late, could be a high-risk strategy. So what should you tell your daughters, and when, and how might this dovetail with what they may be learning at school?

Firstly, ensure you know what your daughter’s school is covering and at what stage. Usually, Sex and Relationships Education (SRE), as it is now often called, will be included in Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE). This will be complemented by what pupils might learn about reproduction in Science or Biology, but it is important that young people receive more than just the biological facts. It is in the emotional repercussions of becoming aware of, and interested in, the opposite (or same) sex that is where the real need for learning and information arises. If we do not provide this in our schools and families, girls, in particular, will turn to some of the dubious teenage magazines on the market, or ‘soaps’, in their attempt to find the answers.

PSHE is a subject focusing on a range of issues beyond the formal curriculum that young people need to learn in order to lead healthy, balanced lives. The content of a school’s PSHE programme will be suited to the pupil’s age and stage of development. A well thought out and professionally delivered PSHE programme will help young people to develop their skills so that in time they can make their own informed choices. It should provide accurate information and a safe forum within which to explore values and attitudes, guarding against misinformation and intolerance. Ask your daughter’s school for details so that you are aware of how SRE fits into the overall PSHE scheme.

At junior school level, perhaps from Year 3 (age 7) onwards, it may be that SRE focuses on the ‘relationships’ element, building on what the children know about friendships and families. They may be encouraged to reflect on and learn more about feelings and behaviour. When discussing families, they may well have the opportunity to consider the different kinds of family that we find in contemporary society, and there may be some exploration into how to cope with changes in our families, something that growing numbers of children need to learn. At age 7 onwards, children may also be taught the correct names for all parts of the human body. Later in the primary school years, girls may learn about growing and changing, about puberty and what this means, the onset of menstruation and how feelings change with the arrival of adolescence. By the end of Year 6 (age 11) and the last year of primary education, it is probable that pupils have received lessons about love and what a loving relationship is, the part that sex plays within a loving relationship and basic information about sexual intercourse, ‘safe sex’, birth control and birth itself.

If you have a daughter of junior school age and you know what is being discussed in SRE and at what stage, you can supplement this in your own conversations with her, find out what she feels about the things she is learning and whether she has any questions about them. It should be possible to do this naturally and relatively easily, without the sense that you are having an ‘important discussion’ and telling her things for the first time.

Parents can request that their daughters are withdrawn from SRE lessons if they feel uncomfortable about what is taught, how it is taught and at what age, and parents who wish to do so should contact the school to discuss it – but be careful. We may feel a natural impulse to protect our children and to worry about them growing up too quickly. However, we do have to accept that ignorance is much more harmful than knowledge, that this curriculum is all about giving children information to help them to make wise choices, and that ultimately we have to educate children rather than try to shield them. We need our daughters to have the skills and knowledge to enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep it at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation; in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children. In addition, consider how your daughter might feel if the other children realise she is sitting out of these lessons.

As girls move through the secondary school years from age 11 onwards, these topics are likely to be revisited in an age-appropriate way so that girls are helped to understand the changes in their bodies and emotions. They need to develop healthy self-esteem and the confidence to resist negative peer pressure, or pressure they may feel from the way in which sex and relationships are portrayed in the media. They should develop the range of skills they need to make choices and decisions they feel comfortable with at the right time for them. They will learn about contraception, sexually transmitted infections, homosexuality and women’s health issues. Again, talk to your children about what they are learning and how they feel about it. You may well find they are far better informed than you were at the same age.

In summary, good schools and caring parents help to construct a responsible framework within which our sons and daughters will make their own choices and decisions, and even, at times, their own mistakes. Parents know we cannot live their lives for them, but by communicating openly with them and working together with our children’s schools, we can educate them wisely, and nowhere is this more important than in their education about happy and healthy relationships.

Why haven’t I got a boyfriend?

Why do girls feel the pressure to have boyfriends earlier than parents might wish? The problem may be that girls often want to conform. They don’t want to stand out, which can lead to them wanting to wear the same clothes, follow the same music and share the same enthusiasms as their peers. Having a boyfriend can seem like a badge of honour – something those they admire and look up to have – and they want to be included in this particular club. They want to prove that they’re ‘normal’ – that they are as popular and attractive as other girls. It’s also a trend, like following a fashion. It gives them something to talk to other girls about. It adds drama to their lives and it imitates adult behaviour.

Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause girls such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends (and attracting the envy of those who are still outside this ‘magic circle’) is important to them. But as is the case in later life, being with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly attracted to each other (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together. It isn’t a question of first wanting a boyfriend and second seeing who is available who might fill the vacancy.

Girls have to be able to feel sufficiently good about themselves, to value themselves enough, to wait until the time is right. They need to be supported to resist the pressure to measure their popularity according to whether or not they have a boyfriend. Help them to see what you value them for – to appreciate their own qualities – and how they owe it to themselves to wait for the right person and the right time. It will be worth it.

I’ve got something to tell you . . .

‘How can I tell Ben I don’t want to see him any more?’ It’s easy, isn’t it, to respond to this question in a supportive and practical way. ‘How can I tell him I like somebody else?’ This takes more careful thinking. ‘How do I tell him that “somebody else” is another girl?’ This may be more challenging than anything you have experienced before.

When you have already seen your daughter through several romances, of varying levels of seriousness, this one may come as a shock, to say the least. The young person that you thought you ‘knew’ suddenly shows a facet to her personality that is totally unexpected and alien. The temptation is to think that she is not the daughter you thought she was. This is, of course, not true. She is still ‘yours’, still the same person, still the same member of your family. She has merely taken a different turning off the road that you had envisaged for her. It might be a little rockier, but that’s all! It is your role to make sure that she knows you are still there to help her to navigate.

It is a fact that teenagers inwardly question their sexuality and struggle to find what ‘fits’ them best. This struggle can be a painful one for some young people who cannot reconcile their feelings to what is regarded as ‘normal’. As parents, we have grown to have expectations of our children in all aspects of life. We expect them to exhibit social behaviour that is acceptable; we expect them to achieve their full educational potential; we expect them to develop personal and social skills that will help them to make their way in society. How much of this is expecting them to ‘conform’ to the traditional conventions of society that were relevant in our teenage years? It has taken a long time for our society to learn to accept other ‘differences’ within our midst – disability, gender and race equality. Why should a person’s sexuality be any different?

There is a strong need for young people to know that we understand their feelings and are willing to help them through what is, inevitably, a confusing time for them. We have to be comfortable in helping them to explore or come to terms with how they feel about themselves. In doing so, we may also need our own support. Feel safe in the knowledge that you are not the first parent to be faced with this challenge; there are many local and national support groups, or you may even find unexpected reassurance from friends and family. Parents of gay and lesbian young people are a great ‘listening ear’. They have heard all the worries, concerns, prejudices and anxieties before and have probably experienced them themselves.

Don’t expect an easy journey. There will be times when doubts and fears come to mind – but these will always come as part of being a parent. In the long run you must be secure in the knowledge that your daughter will be with someone she cares for and who cares for her and that she has the confidence to deal with some of the difficult issues she may face. After all, not everybody she meets will be as understanding as parents are. Never close the conversations that need to be had, ask to hear the truth from your daughter, and make sure that she is happy to hear the truth from you. For more information and support see the relevant websites listed at the back of this book.

Sexual relationships Q&A

Q: My 13-year-old daughter says she has a boyfriend — isn’t she too young?

A: It all depends on what your daughter means when she says that she has a boyfriend. Relationships with the opposite sex will blossom from puberty onwards; what is important is that your daughter has the tools both to deal with the attendant strong emotions and to say ‘no’ to the development of a sexual element at this early age. Parents often find it difficult to talk to their daughters about sex; try reading a down-to-earth leaflet for parents produced by Parentlineplus, entitled Keeping your Teenager Safe: Talking about Relationships. If you find that you need further support, consult their helpline at www.parent-lineplus.org.uk.

My daughter’s boyfriend is taking over her life

Q: My daughter has a boyfriend who has completely taken over her life. She doesn’t see any of her school friends socially, which means that she now feels ‘isolated’ at school, and this has led to truanting. The school has been very understanding, but I am afraid that they will eventually lose patience. The teachers have given her a great deal of support, and she was set a lot of work to catch up on over the summer. I was hoping that the summer holiday would give time for her to reconnect with her friends, but instead it has made the position worse! She self-harms, which, coupled with the fact that she is incredibly emotional, makes trying to have a sensible conversation about any of the issues lead to shouting, slammed doors and her storming out of the house. She has now started her GCSE year (Year 11) and keeps trying to reassure me that she will work hard, but I have heard these promises before, and they have been broken every time. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

A: Try to engage external help in the form of counselling, as this is not really about your daughter’s boyfriend, but rather about how she feels about herself and her life — her lack of self-love — and neither you nor she is going to be able to resolve this situation alone. How, though, can you make your daughter see a counsellor? Firstly, go to the school again, and talk about the issues that most concern you. You certainly need the school to adopt a tougher line with your daughter, in order to help support you — they should be less understanding about the truanting and more insistent upon her following the rules; if she truants, she should make up the time — she has to see that her actions have consequences. Does the school know about your daughter’s self-harming? If not, you should tell them — some schools have a policy of not permitting pupils to be in school if they self-harm until they have a proper counselling course in place to support them and help them to recover. You need all the pressure you can find to bring to bear on your daughter to ensure that she sees a counsellor — sometimes the threat of not being allowed in school can be enough of a shock to make girls toe the line in this respect. In the past, you may have found yourself apologising for your daughter’s behaviour to the school, and asking for their forgiveness and understanding, and they may have taken their lead from you; now, however, is the time for rm boundaries, which your daughter will actually crave, and together you will be stronger. Moreover, the school may have some good ideas about potential counsellors experienced in dealing with teenagers; failing this, ask your GP. Don’t blame yourself— teenagers are complex beings, and she needs someone who is trained to help her see why she is behaving in the way she is, and to help her address how she feels. This is worth investing in — and now.

Vampire books — harmless fantasy or an inappropriate subject?

Q: My 14-year-old daughter has just been given the book Marked by P. C. Cast (it’s a vampire novel — she likes the Twilight series). I’ve just read it and don’t like the fact it has some sexual content. Also, like some other vampire books, blood lust and sex are connected, and I think it’s inappropriate for her age. I’m not sure how to deal with this, as someone else gave it to her. Am I being naive in assuming she won’t understand the sexual references?

A: Discuss your concerns with your daughter. The book does have some bad language and sexual content but, rather like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it’s the combination of a high school setting and teenage preoccupations with the supernatural that makes it appealing to young readers, and many girls of your daughter’s age are likely to be reading this type of book.

On the positive side, the book does contain a moral message about the inadvisability and dangers of casual sex, drink and drugs — but there is some titillation, too, and girls will be attracted to it because of the risqué nature of some of the references. It’s similar to the issue of what girls need to be taught about sex and relationships. Ignorance is the most dangerous thing of all, and at least the book isn’t presenting casual sex as ‘cool’. Girls are interested in the emotional repercussions of becoming interested in the opposite sex and they will enjoy the vicarious thrill of the romantic episodes. It is likely that many 14-year-olds will understand the sexual references, though younger girls might not and should probably be discouraged from reading it.

If the book was a gift from a family friend, perhaps let the buyer know of your reservations — especially as this is one of a series of six books and if they think the gift is a success, this might happen several more times! However, censorship is a dif cult issue — and we can’t protect our children from the realities of the world. We just have to educate them and communicate clearly and openly so they make their own choices as best they can.

I think my daughter and her boyfriend are getting serious

Q: My daughter (aged 15+) has just started going out with her first boyfriend. Although we have discussed sex issues in the past, it has only been about Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). How do I broach a chat about sex in relation to her own ideas of how she might behave in a relationship? I don’t want to embarrass her, but I feel it would be irresponsible not to speak to her.

A: This is indeed a test of your courage. You could start by telling her it is not an easy conversation, as you do not want to invade her privacy, but that you love her, and each generation can at least consider the advice of the one before, even if they do not take it.

She will do what she and her boyfriend want to do — but if he is young, too, and you get the feeling that they are contemplating sex, you could point out that they might both prefer to wait — discuss in what other ways they can enjoy time together. If he is older, it is even more important to discuss why it is illegal for them to have sex, and be much more discouraging generally, as she is at risk of being persuaded by a more mature sexual partner. Do discuss the age of consent with her and ensure that she realises it is there as a child protection measure. It is helpful for her to know your views, as long as she also knows that you are not trying to control her. She may well share her own views, and such a discussion may increase her confidence in expressing them to him in a discussion.

Encourage her to think about the emotional issues that come with a romantic and sexual relationship, and how she and her boyfriend can protect themselves from the possible downsides (loss of freedom in deciding how to spend their time without reference to the other, likelihood of collapse of the romance as they each grow up, worry over pregnancy and possible disease, etc.) and think about the fun of romance without a full sexual relationship, which can have most of the advantages without the snags at this age.

Don’t give them too much time alone together — parents have real responsibilities here. Warn her about the impact of alcohol on decision-making and that a large minority of pregnancies result from occasions when no sex was planned, but instead happened when one or both partners were a bit drunk. Her reputation matters here, too — other people respect someone who respects their own behaviour, and news spreads. Whatever the result of open discussions like this, you would be wise to be prepared and suggest they visit the Family Planning Association website (www.fpa.org.uk) or similar websites.

It sounds as though you have correctly realised that it is the way we all treat each other that matters. As such, your daughter should ensure she is making her decisions in the emotional context of not putting pressure on her boyfriend, or he on her, and that the two of them can together behave in ways that give them the greatest happiness in a sensible form, and do the least damage to each separately when things change for them in the future. Make sure you emphasise that she can always ask you for advice or support, however embarrassed she might be. You will have shown her that you love her enough to have this first conversation now, however embarrassed you were to start it.