Читать книгу The Self-Esteem Team's Guide to Sex, Drugs and WTFs?!! - Grace Barrett Natasha Devon & Nadia Mendoza - Страница 8
ОглавлениеGRACE
I’ve been thinking about this question of arrogance for a few weeks (well, longer because we’re asked it a lot). I’ve been thinking about it while I’m on the bus or in supermarkets or in dance class (I nearly fell over in class actually because I wasn’t concentrating on my feet enough… in fact, I fall over quite a lot *blush*) and every time I think about it, the answer that comes into my head is: ‘No, you won’t, it doesn’t work like that. Just… no.’
But I realise that’s not really enough of an answer, so try this…
High self-esteem is really easy to spot when you know what it looks like but it’s also really easy to confuse for other stuff when you don’t – a bit like love. True love is kind, caring, freeing and not jealous. Infatuation can look a lot like love but it’s completely different. It is caring, to a point, but it’s restricting instead of freeing and it is jealous beyond belief. This analogy is almost exactly the same as self-esteem vs. arrogance.
People who possess self-esteem are able to be kind and caring to others because they know that doing that won’t mean they have any less kindness and care for themselves. They feel free to be themselves but not to impose that on other people and, most of all, they are not jealous, because they have no need to be – difference is exciting to them and unintimidating. Yes, that person may be hotter than me and have qualities I don’t possess but that works both ways. I’ll have qualities that they don’t and that’s enough for me to know I have value.
When you feel that way, there’s no need to put anybody else down or prove your worth in a room.
It’s also important to remember that high self-esteem rarely happens by accident. It’s a safe bet that someone with loads of it has had to go on a bit of a journey in order to acquire it (and they’ll constantly be doing things to maintain it too), so they can normally empathise and see things from someone else’s point of view.
I could ramble on like this endlessly because there are so many reasons why arrogance and self-esteem are completely different. But for now, I’ll just say ‘No, you won’t because it just doesn’t work like that,’ and hand over to Nadz…
NADZ
If Self-Esteem and Arrogance were people, they’d probably hang out in the same circles and know the same folk but they wouldn’t be close. Arrogance would be pals with Cocky, Ego and Smug, while Self-Esteem would be mates with Hope, Positivity and Fuck-Yeah. While both parties seem to be on a yellow-brick road to confidence, there is a glaring difference: Self-esteem smiles, Arrogance smirks.
Having self-esteem then catapulting into arrogance territory is about as likely as Kim Kardashian surrendering selfies forever. Ain’t gonna happen. Self-esteem means having self-awareness, liking yourself but also having respect for others. It means knowing you still have things to learn, listening to other people, being open-minded and optimistic, as well as realistic.
Arrogance, however, lacks self-awareness. It means a disrespect for others, not listening and not learning from people, nor being open-minded. It means being unrealistic, conceited in opinion and pessimistic in outlook, with the arrogant person believing they are always right. In a nutshell, the two are polar opposites.
Just as a self-aware person is unlikely to be struck by arrogance, the arrogant person is unlikely to have self-esteem. In fact, they probably have a deep fear of exposing their vulnerability (something the person with self-esteem would not mind, as they understand it doesn’t make them look weak). It teeters on bully mentality; putting others down to big themselves up. Think of a cyberbully: the arrogance they have to lash out online may make them seem confident but it’s highly unlikely they have much self-esteem if they have to slate others.
Also, self-esteem doesn’t mean being so confident that you never worry again. I have self-esteem in that I wear what I want, don’t really follow a crowd and don’t post a lot on social media to get reassurance from likes, but I am also insecure over what people say behind my back, if I look ugly on a ‘bad face day’ and if I sound stupid when I speak, as I’m not particularly good at articulating myself.
Note from Tash: Nadz is incredibly good at articulating herself and has been asked to see me after school for Self-Esteem Detention.
Self-esteem is accepting what you cannot change, having the courage to change the things you can and having the wisdom to know the difference.
Arrogance is thinking nothing needs changing.
TASH
I get asked the arrogance question a lot, usually by slightly sneery TV journalists who think it’s funny to say, ‘Some people would argue that young people today have too much confidence and no respect for their elders – they don’t need a self-esteem class, they need a big dose of humility. Bring back the cane, I say!’ *mwahhahahaha SNARF SNARF SNARF*.
Let us be clear: self-esteem means having the confidence to be yourself, whether you are naturally outgoing or more reserved. The person with the most confidence in a room isn’t necessarily the loudest or the person who is quickest to challenge authority. Sometimes, the person with the highest self-esteem is the one who can just sit and listen to what everyone else is saying and take a moment to enjoy being alive.
When I was at my lowest, self-esteem wise, I was an absolute bitch. I used to walk around with my nose in the air, pouting, judging everyone else and secretly wondering why no one liked me. I used to seek attention in the worst possible ways because I didn’t care why everyone was looking in my direction, just so long as I was the focus.
From the outside, I have no doubt that people thought of me as ‘arrogant’, yet all I wanted was to feel like it was OK to be me and that I could relax. I remember saying to my dad, ‘I just want to be someone,’ and him looking confused and replying, ‘But you are someone, love.’ And that was the issue: I couldn’t see that I was even a person – I felt like an angry mess of pent-up emotions and incidents of fuckuppery, surviving from moment to moment.
Self-esteem doesn’t just give you the confidence to strive for the things you really want, it’s also what allows you to be content with what you have. Self-esteem is the thing that makes you understand what drives and motivates you, to be genuinely happy for other people’s triumphs and to forgive yourself, learn and move on from your failures. (It is also sexy. FACT.)
Gaining self-esteem was, for me, realising that I am truly unique, brilliant and special… and so is everyone else.
In essence, you can never have too much self-esteem and anyone who tells you differently doesn’t actually understand what it is. So there.
