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Preface

Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember.

Oscar Levant

15 September 2006

I suppose we are never angrier than when we feel ourselves to be at fault. In only the third game of this season – my final season – I played as badly as I’ve ever done in my career. I was playing for the Border Reivers down in Wales, and we succumbed to another defeat – this time against the Ospreys. However, my own disappointment was much greater than that of my team-mates. This wasn’t entirely to do with my error-strewn performance. The match also forced me to admit an undeniable truth – my rugby career was all but over.

Throughout my career, I would set myself goals of getting into club, Scotland or Lions teams, but my real focus was on trying to improve every time I got my hands on a rugby ball, trying to play the perfect game. A few months previously I had announced publicly – and set as a goal – that I was going to retire at the end of the season. It wasn’t the most positive of targets and for the first time in my career, I began to feel demotivated. Now, showing signs of being unable to reach the standards I had set for myself, I feared that I’d lose the respect of others, never mind my own self-respect.

Professional sportsmen never know when the best time is to retire. The preferred option is to ‘go out at the top’, when you are still at the height of your powers. I couldn’t see the logic in that – surely you would want to achieve as much as was possible? Another option is to wait until injuries force you out of the game. My body had been crying ‘enough’ for some time – a broken ankle, torn shoulder ligaments and a cortisone injection in my neck were some of the things I’d faced in the previous two years – but I couldn’t resist working myself back to some sort of match fitness and playing once more. In the weeks following the Ospreys game, I realized just when the right time to take your leave was – when you start to feel that rugby has become a job. When the exciting becomes mundane and challenges mere chores, then it is time to call it a day.

My last two years back in Scotland have had precious few highlights, as the overriding memories are of recovering from a stream of injuries and of striving to just make it through the day, whether it was a weights session, rugby training, video analysis or rehab work. At times I was getting by on the bare minimum, and I knew it. It’s not a sentiment I want to associate with the sport I love, especially as I’ve felt blessed at the opportunities that rugby has given me.

For the past seventeen years I have been playing, thinking and living rugby. It has taken me from the Scottish Borders to the great playing fields of the world: Twickenham, Stade de France, Lansdowne Road, Stadium Australia and Eden Park. I have crammed in eighty-two Tests for Scotland and two more for the British Lions and I have been in a privileged position to witness the incredible changes that have taken place in the game over the last two decades, as rugby has transformed into a fully professional sport. I have also been in the unique situation of playing club rugby in five different countries, and my experiences in France, South Africa, England, Australia and Scotland have not just helped my rugby but enriched my life.

Rugby has given me so much and has had a hold over me for over half of my life. I’ve found the game compelling and, if given a choice, I wouldn’t have wanted to play any other sport. I believe that, at its best, there isn’t another sport that comes close in terms of excitement, commitment and spectacle. Rugby demands bravery from its players and can contain unforgettable moments of individual brilliance and equally momentous passages of immense team effort. What is it that gives rugby its special qualities? For me it’s no single thing, but the sum of its wonderfully diverse parts – its history, its personalities and its camaraderie.

One of the best quotes I’ve heard about rugby was from a TV interview with Philippe Sella I saw when I was playing in France. He said that to be a true rugby player you have ‘to take the game, but not yourself seriously’. Most of the people I have met during my rugby career would fit this description, although it seems to be less of a prerequisite now that the sport has been chiselled down from a fun-loving amateur game to a hard-nosed, image-conscious professional sport.

Throughout the book you will see that I am an avid collector of quotes. I can only apologize for borrowing from others so much, but as Michel de Montaigne once said, ‘I quote others only the better to express myself.’

My rugby career has been a series of experiences and lessons and it has been the main source of my misery and joy. I’ve had highs and lows, triumphs and disappointments and through playing for Scotland and the Lions I have experienced the whole range of sporting emotions. The spine-tingling combination of fear and excitement before an international match is something you don’t experience in other walks of life. There is a sense of adrenaline and anticipation that is the equivalent of arriving at church on your wedding day; the moments before you turn over an exam paper; and attending a job interview – all rolled into one. It is something I will yearn for each year come the Six Nations.

There have been times when I’ve been able to step out of the moment and see that rugby has taken me to the pinnacle of sporting intensity and achievement. These are memories that stay with you forever, private recollections that make you realize how lucky you are. Standing facing an All Black ‘Haka’ with hundreds of camera flashes going off around the stadium made me aware how far-reaching the game had become. And I’ll never forget standing arm-in-arm with my Lions colleagues at Newlands Stadium in Cape Town as we approached kick-off time in the First Test. It was a balmy evening and there was a gentle breeze in the air. I was incredibly focused, but I felt myself become an onlooker as the crowd began to sing the new South African anthem ‘Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika’. It is a beautiful, mesmerizing song and I couldn’t help but hum along with the thousands of proud supporters as I realized that this was going to be one of the most significant nights of my life.

In addition to the memories, it is the people you meet over your career that make it all the more special. There are too many to mention but rugby seems to have so many ‘good guys’ – people like Derek Stark, Neil Jenkins, Tabai Matson, Jason Leonard, Anthony Hill, Carl Hogg, Tony Stanger, Francois Duboisset, Lisandro Arbizu, Semo Sititi and A. J. Venter. This book is a tribute to these and the many others that have helped me over the years. In putting this book together, I’ve been reminded of just how many people have been involved in my journey, and I would like to thank those, especially my family, who have shared in and contributed to the many wonderful times I’ve experienced.

There will no doubt be many occasions in the future that I will be wishing I was still part of a squad on tour or preparing for a Test match somewhere, but the thing I’ll miss most is the vision of a scrum-half fizzing a pass through the air into my outstretched arms, and the thrill of running on to that ball with a world of possibilities stretched out in front of me.