Читать книгу A Straight Road with 99 Curves - Gregory Shepherd - Страница 7

Life is a challenge. Meet it.

—Mother Teresa

KAMAKURA, JAPAN—

It took me a while to find it again after so many years, especially since there were no street signs, and my sense of direction had never been any good. That very morning I had had a dream of trying to drive my car up a steep hill with the gearshift stuck in reverse, not a good omen for the day ahead. Now I felt as though I had been walking around in circles for over an hour.

Finally, I came upon a narrow lane that looked vaguely familiar. I entered it and stopped in front of a two-story building half hidden by a cinderblock wall. This was it, I was sure of it. For the fourth or fifth time that morning I riffled through my old, expired passport from years before until I reached the photo inside, a nervous habit I had developed in the days leading up to this short trip to Japan. My signature was scrawled across the bottom of the photo, but the glowering and intense face that stared back at me from across the years seemed almost like a previous incarnation. A faded red stamp on one of the inner pages, once the color of the rising sun, now the color of rust, read “Port of Entry: Haneda Airport, August 16, 1972.” How could it possibly be that long ago, I wondered. But there was no denying the fact that over three decades had passed since I first stood, as I did now, in front of this small temple where my life had changed, for better and worse, in so many ways. And it was over eighteen years, a generation by some definitions, since I had taken my last bittersweet steps away from it.

A tall wooden gate partially obscured the temple, a building of traditional Japanese design that a time-worn sign in Japanese indicated as “San Un Zendo.” San=three, un=cloud, zendo=Zen-practice center. I was standing in front of the “Three Cloud Zen Center,” one of several zendo that had been my spiritual home during the years of my youth. The gate was unlocked, and I could have easily walked in but didn’t. Instead, I peered through the lattice-work at a familiar sight. There above the doorway to the zendo, on the other side of the gate, I could see a large, black-framed calligraphy of the Chinese character 関 kan, ink-brushed with a flowing hand. The character kan translates as “barrier.” I remembered it well. It had been written by “The Master,” the lay abbot of the zendo with whom I had studied koans, those bafflingly paradoxical Zen statements and stories, on and off for over twelve years, and about whom I still thought on an almost daily basis. With a face as impassive and imposing as an Easter Island moai when he was serious, The Master was reputed to be spiritually enlightened on an epic scale, a supernova of spectacular magnitude in the Zen firmament, and he had always scared the daylights out of me just by the solidity of his presence and seeming ability to see into my head, heart, and soul. I had left his Three Cloud Zen Center under something of a cloud of my own all those years ago, and we never spoke again. Now he was dead.

As had happened so often during the years since I left, I again felt a deep sense of regret that I had not lived up to his expectations of me, expectations that I too would one day become a Zen master, one of his successors in a line that reached all the way back to Shakyamuni Buddha. I was flattered at the time, but thought myself far too young and wholly unworthy. Now I was middle-aged and feeling it, the horsepower of youth fading fast behind me. I arched my back forward and backward to relieve the pressure on my lumbar discs, and began an inner dialog.

Had I failed him? Had I failed myself? Or was it the other way around? Was it I who had been failed? What could have been done differently by all involved? I wondered all this in a feverishly compulsive way, maintaining the gist of the inquiry but rephrasing the essential question again and again in different forms, as if by doing so I might somehow come to a more satisfying answer, an answer that might even deflect a measure of responsibility for my shortcomings and failures. But there was no deflection to be had.

For what did I now have to show for my life, as intimations of my own mortality were becoming less and less abstract? My mind wandered through the years of my spiritual quest, the only thing that really mattered to me (or at least this had once been the case). What had I done with my life, I wondered, the sweat of August mingling with the anxiety rivulet on my neck and back. I was now nearing the age at which Master Dogen and Master Rinzai, the founders of the Zen schools in which I had studied, had died hundreds of years earlier. They had died full men, consummately attuned to the essence of existence. And what about me? I had never judged myself by what I had accomplished in material terms; but had I at least made some spiritual progress as a result of all the meanderings my life had taken?

I recalled one of the paradoxical koans I had worked on with The Master: “Go straight along a road with ninety-nine curves.” It now seemed that my life had been just like that, this way and that way—but always with a mind attuned to “The Way,” the Buddhist Eightfold Path. Or had it been? Maybe I had just been a fake, a term I had used so glibly in the past to describe others who failed to measure up to my exacting (and often cynical) standards of honesty. Maybe my life had been just a series of turns with no discernible direction or destination, like getting lost in Kamakura that very day. Maybe, as in my dream, I was trying to drive up a steep hill with the gearshift stuck in reverse.

What had I been looking for all those years, anyway? Peace? Happiness? Or had it just been personal distinction, spirituality as credential, or “spiritual materialism,” as another Buddhist teacher had memorably phrased it? The ego as Buddha: contradiction of contradictions.

I had once read the words “To be human is not to know one’s self”: It is fundamental to the human condition to wander through life without any real mooring of identity, the ego being just a bundle of thoughts and concepts that must be constantly propped up and reestablished from moment to moment, as opposed to being a separate, permanent, inherently existing self. But I knew this declaration to be only partially true. For, yes, the ego is an illusion; but when it drops away for even a moment (the “goal,” if any, of Zen practice), then one is able, in the words of another koan, to “see your face before your parents were born.” One’s Original Self, in other words. During my San Un Zendo years, The Master had said that I had had an insight into this identity beyond ego, in the form of the Buddhist enlightenment experience. But now, standing in front of the kan/barrier of the little temple, I wasn’t even sure of that experience anymore. Had he been wrong about me? Was I really enlightened? Had I ever been? Had my enlightenment died? Was it now out of reach or, worse, just an illusion of my youth? This dense tangle of questions spread throughout my psyche like the creepers of ivy twisting around the lattice-work fence of the temple.

I longed to open the gate again and go back into the meditation hall, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do so, not yet anyway. For one thing, The Master’s wife had to be at least ninety years old now and wouldn’t remember me, of this I was certain. For another, I was just too frightened to reopen that part of my life again. It had been too intense, too fraught with the inner turmoil that accompanies deep introspection. Still, part of me desperately wanted to step through that gate again, the part of me that hungered anew for answers to the fundamental spiritual questions: Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? And just by asking these questions again, I found my course set. On the inside cover of my old passport, I carefully copied out the Chinese character kan, a fitting symbol for the barrier of time I was about to cross.