Читать книгу Sober & Out - Группа авторов - Страница 9

FEBRUARY 1987

In Alcoholics Anonymous the importance of identification and honest sharing cannot be overemphasized. When I arrived at the doors of AA, I was isolated, frightened, and convinced that life would never improve. I had a vague hope that there could be something in AA for me—something that could make a sober and drug free life perhaps bearable—but I was not convinced. I have certainly found that “something,” however, and much more, but only over a period of years and with much soul-searching through inventory and risk-taking through honest sharing.

It seems that so many of us on entering AA have our own reasons why the program will not work. If one is married, it is because of a truculent spouse. If one is single, it is because there is no supportive partner. If one is employed, it is due to a demanding, overbearing boss. If one is unemployed, it’s due to the lack of funds. In my case I was gay. No one would want me in meetings and even if I were tolerated there, I would not be allowed to speak of my lifestyle. And if I did listen in meetings, the identification would not be present for me.

Two statements in our literature flash in my mind at this point. One is in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. “Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.” The second statement is from the pamphlet “A Member’s Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous.” “I am personally convinced that the basic search of every human being, from the cradle to the grave, is to find at least one other human being before whom he can stand completely naked, stripped of all pretense or defense, and trust that person not to hurt him, because that other person has stripped himself naked, too. This lifelong search can begin and end with the first AA encounter.” These, and many other statements in AA literature, gave me the hope that AA might work for me.

After I had about six weeks of sobriety, I talked with a man who had many years of sobriety. He told me that if there were anything standing between me and my God, I must get rid of it or risk drinking again. He also said that a man could not act contrary to his particular nature and remain comfortable. Each of us interprets such things differently, depending upon his or her emotional and spiritual status at the time, and I interpreted them as meaning that I must be stark raving heterosexual, and happy with it! I threw myself wholeheartedly into the AA program, my marriage, and my work, expecting that the “cure” would happen at any moment. I became so busy with work, meetings, inventories, housing and furnishings for my family, having children and raising them that I had no time to discover me. Finally, after about three years of frenzied sobriety, I slowed down enough to get in contact with me—with my sadness and emptiness caused by trying to be someone other than who I was. (Really, trying to be who I thought you wanted me to be.)

Because of the pain involved in my self-discovery, I was forced to talk in AA meetings about who I really was, and slowly, over several years, I have discovered a beautiful human being inside this skin. I had to let go of the notion that everyone must like me or approve of my lifestyle. I also needed to realize that when speaking in AA meetings, I must be honest but sensitive to the feelings of others. I had to learn to use the telephone for “one-on-one” conversations, but when my sobriety was at stake, I could not be deterred from honest and open sharing in meetings. (I defend the right of any member of AA to talk in an AA meeting about anything he feels is necessary to keep him from taking a drink.)

Old-timers in AA repeatedly told me that when I became comfortable with me, others would become comfortable with me as well. I find that to be true today. Much has transpired over the last seven and one-half years of my sobriety and abstinence from mind-altering chemicals. I have a very close relationship with my children and my ex-wife, closer than was ever possible when we lived together. We see one another often in a spirit of openness and honesty. I do not hide my homosexuality from my children. Likewise, they have expressed their concerns to me and we deal with our feelings completely “up front.”

My relationships in the gay community are wholesome, loving, dignified. I have had the opportunity to help several gay friends become involved in AA. They are now beginning the journey which I began. They would not have had the identification necessary to begin this journey had someone not been willing to take a risk and be honest and open in an AA meeting.

Finally, I have found in my own way that AA is my solution for sober living. The Steps work in my life for all sorts of problems. In meetings I identify with nearly every person who shares—we are all alcoholics and have similar feelings even though the details of our experience may differ. I listen now to the heart, from the heart. I have learned to trust that God, as I understand him, loves me just as he made me. I walk in life everywhere—at home, at work, in and out of AA—with my head up high, grateful for the inner peace which God has given me through AA.

M. B.

Cardiff by the Sea, California